(no subject)
Alright, so it's been....forever since I've touched this thing. Mostly because I don't have any real time or use for it. I blame Phil-lip for me even touching this thing anymore. So.. Anyhow. Lets see life.
Well, Life's taken a series of overly interesting twists and turns lately that just make me think that life follows the same patterns as my disorder. I've had jobs, lost them, been on the very BRINK of being homeless, been on the very brink of being hospitalized for hunger. Been actually hospitalized for a surgery, gotten back on my feet, worked in a sweat shop and realized I needed something better.
Knave quit his job last November. AOL just couldn't do it for him, hell it didn't do it for him. He's a smart guy, really into computers and working for AOL was slumming it with a cheap two cent whore who's panties drop faster than the stock market in the 1920s. He wasn't happy, and I didn't like the fact that he wasn't. Hell when he moved out here I'd always wanted something better for him than what he had in Cali. So he quit his job, I wasn't working and it was so close to the holidays that getting another job that quickly would have been nearly impossible. I'd worked it out with my father that we'd get jobs, he paid the rent. Hell he'd left me with a fucked up house anyhow.
So..I got a job with a call center and a few odd jobs of temp agenicies in town. Nothing of solid income but it kept our nose above enough water to take a breath every now and again. It wasn't living, it was existing and a pitiful one at that. The months went by, mooched off of my mom, my dad, food and we made enough, and scrounged enough here and there to pay light (Barely) and hold off on the water. Hell even some friends had managed to toss me some cash so I wouldn't go without something or another. I felt horrible about it but I had no inclination to do something better for myself.
It was the VERY bottom PIT of what my exsistance had come to. Even now I'm just..utterly disgusted with the fact that I ever let myself get that far. My mother had even suggested that she was no longer going to help me and that if I wanted to, I could leave Knave and go live with her. I loved Knave far far far too much to do that so I'd toss her asside in some fight that she wasn't respecting my decisions, even though I'd respected her stupid decisions.
Even my sister, my one source of true solitude was suggesting that I needed to leave him. He wasn't my problem, he wasn't my reason for my life being where it was. Hell he was the reason I got up every day. My parents couldn't understand that where we were, -I- put us there really. It was selfish and stupid of both of us. On top of that, I'd always said that I wouldn't fight over money. I don't care about the damn currency enough to actually, honestly fight over it. I refuse and that's the way it is. I think though, being as poor as we were, being as...low as we were put a real strain on us.
It put so much of a strain of us that we started to just go at it with one another. Over the stupidest thing, over the littlest things. It was absolutely horrible just living like that, living with him like that. We lost. We lost in the end, a whole HELL of alot. We weren't talking, we weren't living togehter. We just exsisited beside one another. We fought so much, One day, I was just done. Absolutely and completely finished with fighting like this, or fighting at all. He wasn't my friend, and if the love of my life couldn't be my friend, then we had no right being together.
We broke up. For the first time in my life I couldn't remember hurtting so much. I'd had doubt about us before, The same girl insecurities, "Does he really love me?" "Why me?" "He could do better." things that had everything to do with me and nothing with him. We talked about it, we agreed that we were better friends...or at least better appart until we were friends, but sleeping near him every night, being with him all day, and not being able to love him because it seemed "Bad" because it interefered with us being "Friends" it just..it hurt. I cried..I was..just very very empty.
Almost two years of wondering why it was that we were together and yet when taken away I felt incomplete. We were together because we loved one another, because I loved him for completing me and he loved me because he did. Because he's a psychopath for putting up with my instabllity. While the seperation didn't last very long we tried again. Again nothing seemed to be right. We kinda just...left it where it was. Some limbo between loving the person we were with but not wanting to hurt them. Being together made us fight, being appart made us crazy, so we just left it where it would fall.
Relationship problems come and go but the money problem was a PROBLEM and one that we had to resolve. I went to a temp agency and the very LAST one I'd ever go to. FUCK THAT SWEAT SHOP BULLSHIT. Clothes counting for a catologue. Never again. Eight hours on my feet for six measely dollars an hour. It paid our light and gave us a little go get some food with, but that was about it. I did it for a week before I had to curl up in a ball and just die. I couldn't have done it anymore. I wasn't going to do it anymore.
Cue new job. One that I like. Knave and I work together for a company called AFNI. They do residential call center billing for Verizon Landline. Knave went to my second interview with me because well, it was damn time that the boy get a job. The day of my second interview was the same day as their open inverviews. We both slammed those interviews out of the park. Landed jobs. Good jobs.
It was just a waiting game from there for the money to start coming in. It has and life is good. We got over our issues, we got over our anger, our frustration with our lives for what they were and we're working on something better, together. We're planning on moving in the next month to somewhere closer to work and better. For the moment we're running a shit schedule, but we need to get to work on time. I"m tired, got no time, when I do there's housework, cleaning, packing, wal-mart runs, laundry and a whole host of other things waiting for me.
Oh yeah, somewhere in there I had a really HUGE pregnancy scare. Almost 8 weeks late...Negative on two tests..which doesn't look good for my having children future, even if Knave never admits that he wants to have kids. I know that somewhere I still wanted them. I still wanted them to be ours, something made half of me, half of him. Adoption, while always a option, and a course we'd take once we made the decision to have children, just leaves something more for me want from.
Oh yeah, I also had to have surgery last April. I apparently had a very infected, inflamed and painful gallbladder issue. Hospital for nearly a week. Man lemme tell you, that was fun. The scars still look sick to me and hurt. Knave's so cute he kisses them when I get self conscience about them.
Anyhow, so life is good, and should only prove to get better. Now if I could only get that boy to realize that someday soon he'd like to mary me. *Sigh* Ahh well, something to work towards I suppose.
Well, Life's taken a series of overly interesting twists and turns lately that just make me think that life follows the same patterns as my disorder. I've had jobs, lost them, been on the very BRINK of being homeless, been on the very brink of being hospitalized for hunger. Been actually hospitalized for a surgery, gotten back on my feet, worked in a sweat shop and realized I needed something better.
Knave quit his job last November. AOL just couldn't do it for him, hell it didn't do it for him. He's a smart guy, really into computers and working for AOL was slumming it with a cheap two cent whore who's panties drop faster than the stock market in the 1920s. He wasn't happy, and I didn't like the fact that he wasn't. Hell when he moved out here I'd always wanted something better for him than what he had in Cali. So he quit his job, I wasn't working and it was so close to the holidays that getting another job that quickly would have been nearly impossible. I'd worked it out with my father that we'd get jobs, he paid the rent. Hell he'd left me with a fucked up house anyhow.
So..I got a job with a call center and a few odd jobs of temp agenicies in town. Nothing of solid income but it kept our nose above enough water to take a breath every now and again. It wasn't living, it was existing and a pitiful one at that. The months went by, mooched off of my mom, my dad, food and we made enough, and scrounged enough here and there to pay light (Barely) and hold off on the water. Hell even some friends had managed to toss me some cash so I wouldn't go without something or another. I felt horrible about it but I had no inclination to do something better for myself.
It was the VERY bottom PIT of what my exsistance had come to. Even now I'm just..utterly disgusted with the fact that I ever let myself get that far. My mother had even suggested that she was no longer going to help me and that if I wanted to, I could leave Knave and go live with her. I loved Knave far far far too much to do that so I'd toss her asside in some fight that she wasn't respecting my decisions, even though I'd respected her stupid decisions.
Even my sister, my one source of true solitude was suggesting that I needed to leave him. He wasn't my problem, he wasn't my reason for my life being where it was. Hell he was the reason I got up every day. My parents couldn't understand that where we were, -I- put us there really. It was selfish and stupid of both of us. On top of that, I'd always said that I wouldn't fight over money. I don't care about the damn currency enough to actually, honestly fight over it. I refuse and that's the way it is. I think though, being as poor as we were, being as...low as we were put a real strain on us.
It put so much of a strain of us that we started to just go at it with one another. Over the stupidest thing, over the littlest things. It was absolutely horrible just living like that, living with him like that. We lost. We lost in the end, a whole HELL of alot. We weren't talking, we weren't living togehter. We just exsisited beside one another. We fought so much, One day, I was just done. Absolutely and completely finished with fighting like this, or fighting at all. He wasn't my friend, and if the love of my life couldn't be my friend, then we had no right being together.
We broke up. For the first time in my life I couldn't remember hurtting so much. I'd had doubt about us before, The same girl insecurities, "Does he really love me?" "Why me?" "He could do better." things that had everything to do with me and nothing with him. We talked about it, we agreed that we were better friends...or at least better appart until we were friends, but sleeping near him every night, being with him all day, and not being able to love him because it seemed "Bad" because it interefered with us being "Friends" it just..it hurt. I cried..I was..just very very empty.
Almost two years of wondering why it was that we were together and yet when taken away I felt incomplete. We were together because we loved one another, because I loved him for completing me and he loved me because he did. Because he's a psychopath for putting up with my instabllity. While the seperation didn't last very long we tried again. Again nothing seemed to be right. We kinda just...left it where it was. Some limbo between loving the person we were with but not wanting to hurt them. Being together made us fight, being appart made us crazy, so we just left it where it would fall.
Relationship problems come and go but the money problem was a PROBLEM and one that we had to resolve. I went to a temp agency and the very LAST one I'd ever go to. FUCK THAT SWEAT SHOP BULLSHIT. Clothes counting for a catologue. Never again. Eight hours on my feet for six measely dollars an hour. It paid our light and gave us a little go get some food with, but that was about it. I did it for a week before I had to curl up in a ball and just die. I couldn't have done it anymore. I wasn't going to do it anymore.
Cue new job. One that I like. Knave and I work together for a company called AFNI. They do residential call center billing for Verizon Landline. Knave went to my second interview with me because well, it was damn time that the boy get a job. The day of my second interview was the same day as their open inverviews. We both slammed those interviews out of the park. Landed jobs. Good jobs.
It was just a waiting game from there for the money to start coming in. It has and life is good. We got over our issues, we got over our anger, our frustration with our lives for what they were and we're working on something better, together. We're planning on moving in the next month to somewhere closer to work and better. For the moment we're running a shit schedule, but we need to get to work on time. I"m tired, got no time, when I do there's housework, cleaning, packing, wal-mart runs, laundry and a whole host of other things waiting for me.
Oh yeah, somewhere in there I had a really HUGE pregnancy scare. Almost 8 weeks late...Negative on two tests..which doesn't look good for my having children future, even if Knave never admits that he wants to have kids. I know that somewhere I still wanted them. I still wanted them to be ours, something made half of me, half of him. Adoption, while always a option, and a course we'd take once we made the decision to have children, just leaves something more for me want from.
Oh yeah, I also had to have surgery last April. I apparently had a very infected, inflamed and painful gallbladder issue. Hospital for nearly a week. Man lemme tell you, that was fun. The scars still look sick to me and hurt. Knave's so cute he kisses them when I get self conscience about them.
Anyhow, so life is good, and should only prove to get better. Now if I could only get that boy to realize that someday soon he'd like to mary me. *Sigh* Ahh well, something to work towards I suppose.