Plagued by thoughts
Two Crying Kitties in a row. Somehow I think that it's just going to be one of those weeks in my LJ. I'm scared shitless at the moment and it's for the stupid reasons as mentioned Yesterday. I mean First of, I'm a 20 year old selfish, spoiled rotten brat. I know this, I know this so well, I warn people about this, ahead of time. I've shared my life with my live in boyfriend, which has been a great adjustment for the both of us, and it's working well. I used to be a very solo kinda person. I was one of those people who, while accepting my Single status in high school, I longed to be with someone. I mean, I don't know, being alone with only my friends was almost normal. Instead of having boyfriends, I had gay boys to be affection towards me. *Shrugs* Just the way things were, and I guess I subsitiued their love and affection, as plutonic as it was, for the symbalance of a truly frail and lust high school relationship. I mean, why put up with Teenage drama and breaking up with someone only to find out that it's all over the Quad at lunch, when you can just sit around with a bunch of gay guys, get attention, affection, be called sweetie, doll, love, and get kisses? Made sense in my faghaggish mind I guess. Either way, the point is, now i'm living with someone, I've given my heart and soul to him. Granted it's been a little hard for us because we're both used to just having our lives be our own, but we've worked most of the kinks out. NOw, there's this question and as tiny as it is...it's still a question. Can I be pregnant? Yes, of course I can. We've had sex, we HAVE sex, and on a regular basis. Do we have unprotected sex? No, not ever. But Condoms aren't 100%. So yes, there is that chance, as miniscule as it is, it's still here, and I can't shake the thought of what if. What if I am Pregnant? What does all of that entail. And as my deceptive tratiorous mind runs off upon a tangiented list, I find myself more and more aftaid of the possiblities and the options concerning those possiblites. Am I a coward? No. I don't think that I am, because of my self-awareness. I know, without a doubt that I don't want and can't take care of a child the way that I think a child should be cared after. Should I necessity demand it of me, I know that I could, but only in the event that push came to shove. *Sighs* Thoughts are so heavy, and I must return to work. I'll write more later. I've got alot to get off of my chest apparently.