Therapy
Something happened that made me post twice this week.
As some of you know, I have a working schedule that is horrible. No one I have talked to has said anything other than different variations on "How can you stand it?", and believe me, I have talked to a lot of people about this. One person (a nurse at my doctor's medical centre) even called it slavery. My boss agree with me and everybody else, the schedule is horrible!
This has affected me very much. I have trouble sleeping, my social life is down on zero, I feel apathetic. I don't have a life, all I do is trying to survive this day and the next. Sometimes I have had to call in sick just because I was overworked and depressed. I have physical symptoms (hard heartbeats, light pain in the chest, heavy breathing, numbness in fingers) and went to the doctor, he diagnosed it as stress because of no control over my life. It affects my family, too. Lately I have tried to pick myself up, and start writing fanfiction again. At least that's something creative to do.
But there are good things with my work, too. I am very appreciated, apart from the working hours it's not stressful, and it's an easy job. My pay isn't very good, but still in the upper quarter of what's usually paid for this kind of work.
For those of you who doesn't know, I work as a "personlig assistent" which means I take care of a mentally retarded , multi-handicapped woman in her home. She is "the customer".
Anyway, to try to make my life a little less pathetic, and to have the will to actually start living again, I thought I had to change job. I didn't really wanted to, but I saw no other way. I talked to the customer's parents, and I could see how sad they became. Of course, they wished me the best of luck, but they said that they didn't want to lose me. They suggested a change in schedule. I said there isn't much that can be done, unless some of the other assistants wants to change their schedule, and no one wanted that.
I talked to my boss, and and she asked me questions about what was realistic, and she talked to the customer's parents, and together we thought about a solution that would take the worst of it away. A solution that at least would let me breath enough.
The solution was that I would exchange one of my working periods with one of a colleague's working periods. If she was able to work my hours, of course. I had talked to her before about it, and at first she said "not permanently, but sometimes". Then when I started to ask her if she could switch hours this week, she said no every time. I kept asking, because she had said "sometimes". She sounded less and less willing, and then suddenly she said "I have a schedule that suits me, I don't want to change it". All this time I never made it a secret that I really wanted to switch permanently because it would mean that I could get part of my life back.
I have all my life let other people have it their way, instead of pushing for my own benefit. Many people have told me to start thinking a little of myself, too. Because my schedule is a health problem to me, I thought that maybe this time I should think of myself, before I break down completely. I thought that if it come to chosing between my colleague's convenience and my health this time I should choose myself. If it at all was possible, of course. She had never told me that she wasn't able to switch hours, only that she didn't want to.
My boss and the customer's parents thought so, too. Nothing was decided, though. So far it was only a thought. Of course, we had to talk to my colleague first. Before my boss could do that this happened:
Last night when I was at work, my colleague called me on the phone. She started yelling, screaming and crying in the phone. She said that what I was doing was the ugliest thing you could do to a person, she would never even have come to think about doing such a thing against me, she couldn't understand that I betrayed her like that. She accused me of stealing her working hours, wanting to get her fired, and ruining her life.
I tried to ask her what she meant. All I wanted to do was an exchange in hours, not taking any hours from her, and definitely not wanting her to get fired or ruining her life.
She didn't listen. She said the customer's parents had talked to her about getting another job, because she has been very ill lately. I knew they had concerns about her being so much away from work, and they thought this job (only working nights) was too much to her, and they thought about her health. BUT I HAD NEVER SAID ANYTHING AGAINST HER, I HAD NEVER STARTED THOSE CONVERSATIONS, AND I HADN'T EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHEN THE PARENTS TOLD ME THEY HAD SAID THAT TO HER. I didn't think it was my place to say anything. I might have nodded and said 'yes' the way you do when you don't really don't know what to say. But that's about it. I always try to say nice things about people. I don't go back-stabbing them. I know she has a lot of both health problems and financial problems. I wanted to help her, not get her fired. Me wanting the exchange the shifts, had absolutely nothing to do with what the parents had talked to her about. I tried to say that, but she was so sure I had talked to the parents and asked them to fire her that she couldn't listen to me.
She said she could absolutely NOT work my shift. I have never asked her before, but this time I asked her why not (I was quite worn down by all her yelling, and I wanted to at least get some answers). She never told me.
She still didn't listen. For half an hour she yelled and cried repeating all what I mentioned above, but in different words. And as I am the push-over I am, (my husband was quite angry with me for this) I finally agreed to promise not to exchange the shifts.
After that my body was shaking. I had to sit down. My other colleague (who I love) had arrived during the "conversation". And she had to listen to me telling her what had happened. I just couldn't, and still can't, understand what I did wrong. Coming with an enquiry for an exchange of shifts just can't be "the most ugliest thing you can do to another person".
If she kindly had told me "I'm sorry, I would like to help you, but unfortunately I can't work your hours", than that would have been the end of the story. Bad for me, but not this catastrophe.
When I came home, I cried and cried. (Of course, my husband was there to support me.) I went to bed, but I continued to shake. I usually turn of the heating element at night, because I like it cool when I sleep. But this night the heater was on, and I had extra blankets and was still shaking and freezing.
I called my boss this morning and told her about it all. She was very upset. She told me she was glad I had called her, that my colleague had gone way out of line, and that I had done nothing wrong. Unforunately I can't see that my colleague will understand that. If she firmly believes what she accuses me of, than she will see my phone call to my boss as another betrayal. I feel awful.
As some of you know, I have a working schedule that is horrible. No one I have talked to has said anything other than different variations on "How can you stand it?", and believe me, I have talked to a lot of people about this. One person (a nurse at my doctor's medical centre) even called it slavery. My boss agree with me and everybody else, the schedule is horrible!
This has affected me very much. I have trouble sleeping, my social life is down on zero, I feel apathetic. I don't have a life, all I do is trying to survive this day and the next. Sometimes I have had to call in sick just because I was overworked and depressed. I have physical symptoms (hard heartbeats, light pain in the chest, heavy breathing, numbness in fingers) and went to the doctor, he diagnosed it as stress because of no control over my life. It affects my family, too. Lately I have tried to pick myself up, and start writing fanfiction again. At least that's something creative to do.
But there are good things with my work, too. I am very appreciated, apart from the working hours it's not stressful, and it's an easy job. My pay isn't very good, but still in the upper quarter of what's usually paid for this kind of work.
For those of you who doesn't know, I work as a "personlig assistent" which means I take care of a mentally retarded , multi-handicapped woman in her home. She is "the customer".
Anyway, to try to make my life a little less pathetic, and to have the will to actually start living again, I thought I had to change job. I didn't really wanted to, but I saw no other way. I talked to the customer's parents, and I could see how sad they became. Of course, they wished me the best of luck, but they said that they didn't want to lose me. They suggested a change in schedule. I said there isn't much that can be done, unless some of the other assistants wants to change their schedule, and no one wanted that.
I talked to my boss, and and she asked me questions about what was realistic, and she talked to the customer's parents, and together we thought about a solution that would take the worst of it away. A solution that at least would let me breath enough.
The solution was that I would exchange one of my working periods with one of a colleague's working periods. If she was able to work my hours, of course. I had talked to her before about it, and at first she said "not permanently, but sometimes". Then when I started to ask her if she could switch hours this week, she said no every time. I kept asking, because she had said "sometimes". She sounded less and less willing, and then suddenly she said "I have a schedule that suits me, I don't want to change it". All this time I never made it a secret that I really wanted to switch permanently because it would mean that I could get part of my life back.
I have all my life let other people have it their way, instead of pushing for my own benefit. Many people have told me to start thinking a little of myself, too. Because my schedule is a health problem to me, I thought that maybe this time I should think of myself, before I break down completely. I thought that if it come to chosing between my colleague's convenience and my health this time I should choose myself. If it at all was possible, of course. She had never told me that she wasn't able to switch hours, only that she didn't want to.
My boss and the customer's parents thought so, too. Nothing was decided, though. So far it was only a thought. Of course, we had to talk to my colleague first. Before my boss could do that this happened:
Last night when I was at work, my colleague called me on the phone. She started yelling, screaming and crying in the phone. She said that what I was doing was the ugliest thing you could do to a person, she would never even have come to think about doing such a thing against me, she couldn't understand that I betrayed her like that. She accused me of stealing her working hours, wanting to get her fired, and ruining her life.
I tried to ask her what she meant. All I wanted to do was an exchange in hours, not taking any hours from her, and definitely not wanting her to get fired or ruining her life.
She didn't listen. She said the customer's parents had talked to her about getting another job, because she has been very ill lately. I knew they had concerns about her being so much away from work, and they thought this job (only working nights) was too much to her, and they thought about her health. BUT I HAD NEVER SAID ANYTHING AGAINST HER, I HAD NEVER STARTED THOSE CONVERSATIONS, AND I HADN'T EVEN SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT WHEN THE PARENTS TOLD ME THEY HAD SAID THAT TO HER. I didn't think it was my place to say anything. I might have nodded and said 'yes' the way you do when you don't really don't know what to say. But that's about it. I always try to say nice things about people. I don't go back-stabbing them. I know she has a lot of both health problems and financial problems. I wanted to help her, not get her fired. Me wanting the exchange the shifts, had absolutely nothing to do with what the parents had talked to her about. I tried to say that, but she was so sure I had talked to the parents and asked them to fire her that she couldn't listen to me.
She said she could absolutely NOT work my shift. I have never asked her before, but this time I asked her why not (I was quite worn down by all her yelling, and I wanted to at least get some answers). She never told me.
She still didn't listen. For half an hour she yelled and cried repeating all what I mentioned above, but in different words. And as I am the push-over I am, (my husband was quite angry with me for this) I finally agreed to promise not to exchange the shifts.
After that my body was shaking. I had to sit down. My other colleague (who I love) had arrived during the "conversation". And she had to listen to me telling her what had happened. I just couldn't, and still can't, understand what I did wrong. Coming with an enquiry for an exchange of shifts just can't be "the most ugliest thing you can do to another person".
If she kindly had told me "I'm sorry, I would like to help you, but unfortunately I can't work your hours", than that would have been the end of the story. Bad for me, but not this catastrophe.
When I came home, I cried and cried. (Of course, my husband was there to support me.) I went to bed, but I continued to shake. I usually turn of the heating element at night, because I like it cool when I sleep. But this night the heater was on, and I had extra blankets and was still shaking and freezing.
I called my boss this morning and told her about it all. She was very upset. She told me she was glad I had called her, that my colleague had gone way out of line, and that I had done nothing wrong. Unforunately I can't see that my colleague will understand that. If she firmly believes what she accuses me of, than she will see my phone call to my boss as another betrayal. I feel awful.