If you grew up in Redding or have lived here an appreciable amount of time, there are certain unwritten rules and codes that are unimpeachable and unchallengeable, God's Laws Of The Shasta County Universe which are eternal truths forever and ever world without end amen.
* It gets hot here in the summer.
* If there is six feet of snow on the ground, you will still see someone in shorts, flip-flops, and a tank top.
* Jack's Grill has the best steaks in the world.
Redding does get hot. Steering-wheel palm-blisteringly, bum-burning, plimsoll-meltingly, fry-an-egg-on-the-sidewalk hot. (But it's a dry heat.) Drive downtown or go into the Mt. Shasta Mall the day before Christmas or during a January cold snap, and there will be someone wearing the bare legal minimum of clothing. Invariably it is a person you would not wish to see naked, who sports copious underarm fur and tattoos on their calves.
But now, Mlle. de Joie is going to do something few people dare to: she is going to dis Jack's Grill. Mlle. de Joie understands this is like spitting in the Pope's eye, but yet, she must speak it as she sees it.
The history and the legendary status are what draw people in - that, and the admonishment that "If you're ever in Redding, you HAVE to go to Jack's. Best steak in the world." And you do go in because, well, you're in Redding and this place has The Best Steak In The World. Everyone says so.
Ooops. Did anyone tell you The Rule? Unless you arrive at Jack's at 4 PM to secure a table for 5 PM, you will have a two-hour wait. Mlle. de Joie doesn't know about you, but she is seldom interested in dinner at 5 PM. So you show up around 6:30 or 7 PM, determined to experience The Best Steak In The World, and suddenly you have a two-hour wait. But you're an optimist and think, "oh, it won't be that long," and decide to stick it out. Probably you will choose to wait at the bar. Mike the bartender is justifiably legendary for his skills, his memory, and mixing a fine drink. So you perch on a barstool and order up, and after a while you notice your glass is empty and you order again.
Around the hour and a quarter mark, you might feel the need to use the restrooms, so you carefully climb down off the barstool and totter toward the back of the restaurant into the toilet. It's a good thing that you have been steadily consuming alcohol: it will kill any germs you encounter and will help lessen the shock. The toilets at Jack's are bare-bones, one step removed from a Porta-Potty. The towel is one of those pull-for-fresh-towel dispensers; the person before you evidentally was cleaning the grease from under his fingernails. You do what you came in to do and get the hell out, trying not to touch any surfaces as you exit.
But hey, you think, I'm not here for the toilets, I'm here for The Best Steak In The World, so you reclaim the barstool and get another drink. Three, is it by now? Or four? Who knows? But I'm going to be eating steak so that should absorb the alcohol. Right?
Eventually time passes because it always does, and you are escorted to your table. By now you know you're intoxicated, so you smile graciously at the waitress and try to not run into any chairs or tables as you walk. Your table - which seems rather small, but you aren't in any condition to ask for a bigger one and anyway, there aren't any bigger ones - is adorned with a plastic lamp from the Dollar Tree with a 5-watt bulb (the 25-watt bulb having created a scorch mark on the back side of the lamp, which has been turned to the wall). The waitress hands you a menu.
The least expensive item is the ten-ounce top sirloin at $12.25. But then you notice Jack's "Steak" Ground Steak - "One pound of ground Filet, New York, and Top Sirloin, Chopped onions upon request.(When available) $12.55." Now if you hadn't had the last two whiskey sours, you might notice that what is essentially a hamburger patty constructed from trimmings off the steaks costs thirty cents more than an actual steak. "Tender Ocean Scallops," $12.80, but who orders scallops in a steak restaurant? "Southern Fried Chicken," $14.55 - why is chicken priced higher than beef? And why are the scallops cheaper than chicken? What's going on with the pricing here?
You came here for Meat, so that's what you order. You decide to go for "16 oz. New York. Jack Young's Personal Favorite. $21.55." Hey, good ol' Jack - if it's his favorite, then it's good enough for me. (According to the restaurant website, Jack was a WWI flying ace, which surely guarantees his discerning taste in steaks.) Presently the waitress brings you a small plastic basket with garlic bread - dry and skimpy on the garlic - and a plastic bowl with pre-mixed salad. It's chopped iceberg, canned green beans, and dressing. There's enough for two servings, depending on how you feel about canned green beans.
Then comes The Best Steak In The World. It will be placed on a plain white plate with either French fries or a baked potato. There are no other options except a side of mushrooms ($4.75) - no creamed spinach or au gratin potatoes (both steakhouse standards). You wonder if this is all there is, and when it becomes apparent that this is it, you dig in.
It will be, well, steak. Steak that's heavily salted and grilled so the exterior has a nearly-burnt taste. Steak you are eating in a dingy, dark, crowded matchbox of a restaurant that hasn't had a facelift since they moved the beds out of the whorehouse upstairs back in the '40's.
But is it the Best Steak In The World?
Mlle. De Joie says No. By the time you get your dinner you are so drunk you would eat a medium-rare basketball, retread fries on the side. Even if you held the line with your drinking, the steak is still not any better than a steak at any number of other area restaurants. A person with a modicum of backyard barbecue skills can purchase a decent cut of beef for a reasonable price and easily grill up a dinner that surpasses anything Jack's can turn out. As she types this, Mlle. de Joie has in her freezer a 4.98-pound package of filet mignon, purchased for $18.77 - more than enough filet for five people. A single ten-ounce filet mignon dinner at Jack's costs $25.65.
There is plenty of money being made at Jack's so they obviously are catering to The Faithful. They see something in Jack's that Mlle. de Joie does not - they can look past the scary toilets, the overpriced menu, the retro-without-the-humor atmosphere, the nonexistent cheap decor, and are True Believers in The Best Steak In The World myth. For the price of dinner at Jack's Grill, Mlle. de Joie expects more than they deliver.
- Femme de Joie
Jack's Grill, 1743 California Street, Redding. 530-241-9705. Bar open 4-11:30 PM; dinner served 5-11 PM. Closed Sundays. Credit cards accepted, no checks. See menu & website at
http://www.jacksgrillredding.com