Hungover
So... I'm feeling tired, kind of happy, kind of sad and majorly surprised by myself. Oh god...
He said no problem, we are good, it was a joke, nothing serious... All good, fun and games.
I expected that. Because he is this free as a bird living in the moment kind of guy... But it was bit of a punch in the gut, a knock on my pride, whatever.
And it was nothing much... But somehow my life has turned upside down while he goes on partying. I am re-thinking my engagement and my whole future. Not that I'm so into him. But in general... He is the sign of something. Something that is not right in my relationship. Me perhaps.
I wish I could be more like him. So free, untied by life, flying all over the place. Perhaps I hoped it would all rub on me a little if I kissed him.
He wanted me. More of me. "I fucking want you so much" he said. Me too I whisper now to myself. I want you too. But the moment is gone. Life moves on. He is still free and I'm stuck in my suffocating life. It feels even more like a crushing weight over me now that I've glimpsed his reality.
I want to fly too. I need to fly. Not on his wings but my own. Damn how I envy his energy. How could he breathe a little bit of it into me?
There was once a guy with whom everything felt easy. He is another one of those rare guys. But he is not for me. I'm not sure if he is for anyone really. He is so larger than life.
I loved waking up from his arms. How he held me tight. I've missed that so much. The warm arms holding me to the strong chest. The breath in my hair. Legs intertwined.
Less than three weeks to seeing my long distance fiance. And suddenly everything has changed. A fucking mess.
He said no problem, we are good, it was a joke, nothing serious... All good, fun and games.
I expected that. Because he is this free as a bird living in the moment kind of guy... But it was bit of a punch in the gut, a knock on my pride, whatever.
And it was nothing much... But somehow my life has turned upside down while he goes on partying. I am re-thinking my engagement and my whole future. Not that I'm so into him. But in general... He is the sign of something. Something that is not right in my relationship. Me perhaps.
I wish I could be more like him. So free, untied by life, flying all over the place. Perhaps I hoped it would all rub on me a little if I kissed him.
He wanted me. More of me. "I fucking want you so much" he said. Me too I whisper now to myself. I want you too. But the moment is gone. Life moves on. He is still free and I'm stuck in my suffocating life. It feels even more like a crushing weight over me now that I've glimpsed his reality.
I want to fly too. I need to fly. Not on his wings but my own. Damn how I envy his energy. How could he breathe a little bit of it into me?
There was once a guy with whom everything felt easy. He is another one of those rare guys. But he is not for me. I'm not sure if he is for anyone really. He is so larger than life.
I loved waking up from his arms. How he held me tight. I've missed that so much. The warm arms holding me to the strong chest. The breath in my hair. Legs intertwined.
Less than three weeks to seeing my long distance fiance. And suddenly everything has changed. A fucking mess.