Big decisions.
I am standing on a ledge, wind in my hair. I know I have to jump. It is the only way to get to where I am going, but I don't know where I will end up when I jump. The only thing I do know is that I can't remain here and there is not much time left. Soon I have to jump.
That is how I feel about my life right now. Big choices. Big decision with enormous consequences. I have been begging for this moment to arrive. I have asked for it. I was so tired of waiting. I just wanted to be able to move forward. Now the decision arrived. Boyfriend didn't get his residental permit. Our life together in Switzerland is no longer an option. It was always a possibility but the finality of it all struck hard. I've had to re-evaluate everything. Before I could play with the idea of possibly following him to Cuba. Now I need to really consider it. And be honest with myself. Think things through with my rational brains and my heart.
I am not at all sure how the cards are going to fall here. I don't know if we can even survive the longer distance, lack of proper communication methods (as in no Skype), more time apart. This was supposed to be the decision that makes everything possible. The moment when we can put X in a calendar to mark the day when we can be together for real. And now there's no calendar. It could easily be two years before we could even imagine of living in the same country. I dont know if I can do that. My life has been stuck waiting for this decision. I haven't applied for work or into school that interests me. My dreams and future have been on hold. I can't let his life decisions and situations affect mine any more. Either the pieces will slot together or the puzzle falls apart. But I need to be able to do my thing.
I've been in such a turmoil for at least the past 5 years. Whenever I think things are moving to better direction, when I fear less, have beginnings of a new dream, something hits from the dead corner, unexpectedly and knocks the air out of my lungs. There are good surprises too, but even those tend to come in the worst moments.
Is it possible to run away from your on life? Or to hide for a moment? Pretend you are someone else with a clean slate and all these open possibilities instead of responsibilities?
Going to Cuba... It's such a dive into unknown waters. I have no idea if I could get work there. I would miss my friends so much and my family. I would be so far away. And right now I don't think I have enough trust in my relationship to say yes. Last summer was so hot and cold. Not that I need to decide now.
And then there is another thing. Another box of memories I opened and can't seem to close again.
That is how I feel about my life right now. Big choices. Big decision with enormous consequences. I have been begging for this moment to arrive. I have asked for it. I was so tired of waiting. I just wanted to be able to move forward. Now the decision arrived. Boyfriend didn't get his residental permit. Our life together in Switzerland is no longer an option. It was always a possibility but the finality of it all struck hard. I've had to re-evaluate everything. Before I could play with the idea of possibly following him to Cuba. Now I need to really consider it. And be honest with myself. Think things through with my rational brains and my heart.
I am not at all sure how the cards are going to fall here. I don't know if we can even survive the longer distance, lack of proper communication methods (as in no Skype), more time apart. This was supposed to be the decision that makes everything possible. The moment when we can put X in a calendar to mark the day when we can be together for real. And now there's no calendar. It could easily be two years before we could even imagine of living in the same country. I dont know if I can do that. My life has been stuck waiting for this decision. I haven't applied for work or into school that interests me. My dreams and future have been on hold. I can't let his life decisions and situations affect mine any more. Either the pieces will slot together or the puzzle falls apart. But I need to be able to do my thing.
I've been in such a turmoil for at least the past 5 years. Whenever I think things are moving to better direction, when I fear less, have beginnings of a new dream, something hits from the dead corner, unexpectedly and knocks the air out of my lungs. There are good surprises too, but even those tend to come in the worst moments.
Is it possible to run away from your on life? Or to hide for a moment? Pretend you are someone else with a clean slate and all these open possibilities instead of responsibilities?
Going to Cuba... It's such a dive into unknown waters. I have no idea if I could get work there. I would miss my friends so much and my family. I would be so far away. And right now I don't think I have enough trust in my relationship to say yes. Last summer was so hot and cold. Not that I need to decide now.
And then there is another thing. Another box of memories I opened and can't seem to close again.