Seeing red right now.... maybe clear skies later?
I made a decision, for what I believe are the right reasons. Today I have to live with that decision. There was two main reasons why I made the choice I did and I can live comfortably with all of them.
1. In the long-term it was not a direction I wanted to walk in.
2. If I had solely made my choice based on self-interest and self-preservation it would have not served the common good, making sure 'I'm-all-right-jack-screw-the-rest-of-you' is not the way I try to do things. Yes I can be selfish but I chose the path I walk for a reason, it is something I believe in, so I have to support that belief, even if it does not benefit me.
That is not why I am fuming right now. Over the last few days a third reason for not playing the game has emerged and I am so angry because for all the flaws in my personality, I have a well-developed sense of fair play. But that does not suit other peoples' version of reality of the person I am.
In this instance I am not allowed to represent on the field of competition and win. I could have been trapped on a desert island for the last 4 weeks, turned up today and given it my best shot, and had I been successful, the memory of the event would have not recorded this. Had I tried my best, showing all my knowledge and skills to their best advantage it would have been disallowed. The only way I could have possibly been a contender, if I had added my name to the list, would be due to partiality, favouritism and bias. I would only succeed because of who I know, not because of the years of experience and knowledge I have collected and can recall when asked the questions!
To my face I was told these facts in a polite and friendly way, when my back was turned I am very aware that the tone of conversation was framed so very differently. There was no doubt that I would succeed, top of the class, because I apparently have much more time to prepare and absorb knowledge, because I don't face the challenges others do in daily life, because of who my friends are!
The only way I could have been accepted today was to fail, to come last, so that others could commiserate and gloat. But I won't do that. If I am stepping up to the challenge I will do my best. That does not guarantee me any place on the podium but I will give it my all and hope. It is not down to time to prepare, or daily routine or who I know.
You want to compete with me? You feel threatened by what I do? Stop bitching, whining and complaining. Remove your head from your rectum and focus on the goal! You waste all your time on the petty trivial matters , if you in fact spend your time on anything constructive at all, and then say I have more resources than you, better connections. If four weeks ago you had decided to try another method for success you wouldn't have to worry about me and my imagined network of power. If when you first took up the challenge, you had actually wanted to achieve the goal and were willing to work hard to get there, you wouldn't need to be running around bitching about the competition.
There was no guarantee of my success. Those in authority went out of their way (and then some) to ensure impartiality. Everyone had their strengths and weakness, including me. But that still wasn't good enough was for you guys was it? No, I would have to lie and cheat my way to being a winner.
So I made it easy. I did not compete. You can keep your insecurities, you will never have to test yourself. You will never know how you measure up against your perceived greatest threat. You now have your security and your titles, use them to make good! But please shut the fuck up with your lies and trite platitudes of sorrow and upset that my future is so insecure and the changes that will have to happen and that you can't believe I made this choice.
I'll walk a different path and I do not deny I am scared by this. I have less confidence in my abilities than you would ever believe but at least then everyone will know, that when I do eventually win, it will be based on my own merits.
1. In the long-term it was not a direction I wanted to walk in.
2. If I had solely made my choice based on self-interest and self-preservation it would have not served the common good, making sure 'I'm-all-right-jack-screw-the-rest-of-you' is not the way I try to do things. Yes I can be selfish but I chose the path I walk for a reason, it is something I believe in, so I have to support that belief, even if it does not benefit me.
That is not why I am fuming right now. Over the last few days a third reason for not playing the game has emerged and I am so angry because for all the flaws in my personality, I have a well-developed sense of fair play. But that does not suit other peoples' version of reality of the person I am.
In this instance I am not allowed to represent on the field of competition and win. I could have been trapped on a desert island for the last 4 weeks, turned up today and given it my best shot, and had I been successful, the memory of the event would have not recorded this. Had I tried my best, showing all my knowledge and skills to their best advantage it would have been disallowed. The only way I could have possibly been a contender, if I had added my name to the list, would be due to partiality, favouritism and bias. I would only succeed because of who I know, not because of the years of experience and knowledge I have collected and can recall when asked the questions!
To my face I was told these facts in a polite and friendly way, when my back was turned I am very aware that the tone of conversation was framed so very differently. There was no doubt that I would succeed, top of the class, because I apparently have much more time to prepare and absorb knowledge, because I don't face the challenges others do in daily life, because of who my friends are!
The only way I could have been accepted today was to fail, to come last, so that others could commiserate and gloat. But I won't do that. If I am stepping up to the challenge I will do my best. That does not guarantee me any place on the podium but I will give it my all and hope. It is not down to time to prepare, or daily routine or who I know.
You want to compete with me? You feel threatened by what I do? Stop bitching, whining and complaining. Remove your head from your rectum and focus on the goal! You waste all your time on the petty trivial matters , if you in fact spend your time on anything constructive at all, and then say I have more resources than you, better connections. If four weeks ago you had decided to try another method for success you wouldn't have to worry about me and my imagined network of power. If when you first took up the challenge, you had actually wanted to achieve the goal and were willing to work hard to get there, you wouldn't need to be running around bitching about the competition.
There was no guarantee of my success. Those in authority went out of their way (and then some) to ensure impartiality. Everyone had their strengths and weakness, including me. But that still wasn't good enough was for you guys was it? No, I would have to lie and cheat my way to being a winner.
So I made it easy. I did not compete. You can keep your insecurities, you will never have to test yourself. You will never know how you measure up against your perceived greatest threat. You now have your security and your titles, use them to make good! But please shut the fuck up with your lies and trite platitudes of sorrow and upset that my future is so insecure and the changes that will have to happen and that you can't believe I made this choice.
I'll walk a different path and I do not deny I am scared by this. I have less confidence in my abilities than you would ever believe but at least then everyone will know, that when I do eventually win, it will be based on my own merits.