(no subject)
So like no one reads livejournal anymore. So I will vent on it.
I feel like no one in my life is truely always there for me. I feel like it is mostly about everyone else. And what makes everyone else happy. I often find myself wonder what people would do with out me. And I often find myself thinking that most people would be better off without me. I complain to much. And when I am down I bring everyone down with me. Who needs that? No one. I feel like when I find something that makes me happy it goes away or something happens and it all changes. I ask myself alot what kind of friend am I? What in the hell was I thinking. Everyone said it would happen. Everyone still says it will happen one day, they only say it because they don't know it already did. Everyone claims to care. And no I am not talking about caring about me. I am just talking about in general. Everyone says "oh I care about this person or that person". But haven't people realized that actions speak louder then words, and yet they don't speak at all. How is that. And what does that say about me. I am not perfect. I claim to care to. And lately my actions probabloy scream I only care about myself and no one else. Thats no me. I am the person who puts everyone else first. This past week I have realized so much. No I take that back. The past 4 days. I met someone who I will probably never actually hang out with again. But in such a short time he showed me alot. In the 3 days that we did nothing I had fun. It was nice to have a conversation with someone that wasn't one sided. It was both of us talking. Not just me talking about me or him talking about him. But both. It was sharing funy stories. Or maybe not so funny stories, and some serious conversations. And for some reason it made me question why am I in some of the friendships I am in. When I say I love someone I mean it. Love isn't a feeling or a word I just throw around. Unlike some people I have grown to know. How can someone who claims to love you put you through so much pain? Why are people the way they are? It seems like everyone is different but yet so much alike. Every person will lie, cheat, use you, and stab you in the back when something better is presented in front of them. How are you supose to trust anyone in the world? How are you supose to believe in anything? I feel like I am just another one of those people taking up space in this world. I wish for once I could meet someone who I knew would not only stick around for awhile bu want to stay. I wish I could find someone who didn't think there could be another person better then me in the world. Who I was perfect for, and was perfect for me. I wanna love again, and for once truely be loved back. Why do I have to sit back and watch everyone else be happy. Why can't I ever find happiness. I have grown to hate work. My mom is thinking about making me put in my 2 weeks notice. Work is where I go to get away from friends and school and home. And now I might not even have that. I have grown to hate school again. And maybe its because my mom is thinking about moving my school. I don't want to have to start over. New people, new friends. I don't make friends easily. They just kinda happen. I don't always come across as the nicest person in the world. I actually come across as a very bitchy person most of the time. All I know is that if this is life and if this is how it is always going to be then I don't any part in it. This is how life has been for 3 or 4 years now. And i sucks. I find happiness and then I sit there and watch it get taken away from me but then again how can someone take someone from me that was never really mine to begin with. I just feel like i am alone in this world.
katie
I feel like no one in my life is truely always there for me. I feel like it is mostly about everyone else. And what makes everyone else happy. I often find myself wonder what people would do with out me. And I often find myself thinking that most people would be better off without me. I complain to much. And when I am down I bring everyone down with me. Who needs that? No one. I feel like when I find something that makes me happy it goes away or something happens and it all changes. I ask myself alot what kind of friend am I? What in the hell was I thinking. Everyone said it would happen. Everyone still says it will happen one day, they only say it because they don't know it already did. Everyone claims to care. And no I am not talking about caring about me. I am just talking about in general. Everyone says "oh I care about this person or that person". But haven't people realized that actions speak louder then words, and yet they don't speak at all. How is that. And what does that say about me. I am not perfect. I claim to care to. And lately my actions probabloy scream I only care about myself and no one else. Thats no me. I am the person who puts everyone else first. This past week I have realized so much. No I take that back. The past 4 days. I met someone who I will probably never actually hang out with again. But in such a short time he showed me alot. In the 3 days that we did nothing I had fun. It was nice to have a conversation with someone that wasn't one sided. It was both of us talking. Not just me talking about me or him talking about him. But both. It was sharing funy stories. Or maybe not so funny stories, and some serious conversations. And for some reason it made me question why am I in some of the friendships I am in. When I say I love someone I mean it. Love isn't a feeling or a word I just throw around. Unlike some people I have grown to know. How can someone who claims to love you put you through so much pain? Why are people the way they are? It seems like everyone is different but yet so much alike. Every person will lie, cheat, use you, and stab you in the back when something better is presented in front of them. How are you supose to trust anyone in the world? How are you supose to believe in anything? I feel like I am just another one of those people taking up space in this world. I wish for once I could meet someone who I knew would not only stick around for awhile bu want to stay. I wish I could find someone who didn't think there could be another person better then me in the world. Who I was perfect for, and was perfect for me. I wanna love again, and for once truely be loved back. Why do I have to sit back and watch everyone else be happy. Why can't I ever find happiness. I have grown to hate work. My mom is thinking about making me put in my 2 weeks notice. Work is where I go to get away from friends and school and home. And now I might not even have that. I have grown to hate school again. And maybe its because my mom is thinking about moving my school. I don't want to have to start over. New people, new friends. I don't make friends easily. They just kinda happen. I don't always come across as the nicest person in the world. I actually come across as a very bitchy person most of the time. All I know is that if this is life and if this is how it is always going to be then I don't any part in it. This is how life has been for 3 or 4 years now. And i sucks. I find happiness and then I sit there and watch it get taken away from me but then again how can someone take someone from me that was never really mine to begin with. I just feel like i am alone in this world.
katie