Invisible Tears
This time away has made me put pen to paper more than any other time in my adulthood. When I was in my early teens I use to do it a lot. Express love and disdain in the same ... paper to pen. Paper to pen was my escape from the depth of my feelings, whether they were negative or positive. I find myself expressing a lot of built up negative, though, each time paper and pen kiss ... not caring the feelings that are drawn out from it. And for the most part ... I fall at peace.
For the most part. One did not respond as I thought the response would be and now ... our friendship seems to have wandered off somewhere in Never Never Land, as if it Never Never Was ... Maybe I am delusional.
Maybe I have imagined these sincere feelings of let go and I am frabricating a truth I wish to be real. That could be it. I could be wishing for a present so hard that in my mind, it is ... be it ain't.
No, you see ... after so many days and nights of ingenius creativity, it all rushes back and smacks me full throttle in the face. Reality looks me in the eyes and laughs at my stupidity. Laughs at my insanity ... repeating the same motions knowing the end result will be unmoved. I am unmoved.
I would have never fathom such things, but then again I most definitely would!
I wrote a letter last night to someone who will receive it within a month. In writing, I learned that I predestined myself by indirectly accepting my fate ... rather than my faith that stars can change alignment at the will of the one who created us all. And even as I bring that up ... I know my heart is not full as it should be even in that revelation of understanding.
So yet ... I continue to cry.
I continue to cry because the tears are never supposed to be that dry. They are not supposed to show the visibility of the mind state and face of what lies beneath ... literally lying to self.
Self?? It is time we had a talk. It is time we spoke to each other and at least came to some form of contract with one another. Thirty steadily knocks on our door, yet yearly we tend to revert back to our days of wreckless youth ... as if forgiveness is unlimited ... but with honesty, one realizes ... it is one of the hardest, yet most fulfilling things to do. Forgive.
So until then ... I bounce back daily, smiling and laughing and hiding the relative meaning of it all. I put on my face and take cover behind my façade, crying ... yet invisible to all that look.
For the most part. One did not respond as I thought the response would be and now ... our friendship seems to have wandered off somewhere in Never Never Land, as if it Never Never Was ... Maybe I am delusional.
Maybe I have imagined these sincere feelings of let go and I am frabricating a truth I wish to be real. That could be it. I could be wishing for a present so hard that in my mind, it is ... be it ain't.
No, you see ... after so many days and nights of ingenius creativity, it all rushes back and smacks me full throttle in the face. Reality looks me in the eyes and laughs at my stupidity. Laughs at my insanity ... repeating the same motions knowing the end result will be unmoved. I am unmoved.
I would have never fathom such things, but then again I most definitely would!
I wrote a letter last night to someone who will receive it within a month. In writing, I learned that I predestined myself by indirectly accepting my fate ... rather than my faith that stars can change alignment at the will of the one who created us all. And even as I bring that up ... I know my heart is not full as it should be even in that revelation of understanding.
So yet ... I continue to cry.
I continue to cry because the tears are never supposed to be that dry. They are not supposed to show the visibility of the mind state and face of what lies beneath ... literally lying to self.
Self?? It is time we had a talk. It is time we spoke to each other and at least came to some form of contract with one another. Thirty steadily knocks on our door, yet yearly we tend to revert back to our days of wreckless youth ... as if forgiveness is unlimited ... but with honesty, one realizes ... it is one of the hardest, yet most fulfilling things to do. Forgive.
So until then ... I bounce back daily, smiling and laughing and hiding the relative meaning of it all. I put on my face and take cover behind my façade, crying ... yet invisible to all that look.