Ache
"These days the people I love are spread so far apart (all out of reach)."
It's kind of funny in that rock bottom way, how life isn't too bad all in all, but still the thoughts that lurk are all my recent shortcomings and failures. Sure, I'm at a point in life where I absolutely need to save literally ever dollar I make and use a credit card/bridge card to slowly crawl from the debt pit I've dug for myself by being reckless with my finances. But at least I have that opportunity which is more than most people have.
I may be working at two shops now that may be making it hard for people to find me but I am learning a lot- formally, with my skills finally growing it is a little intimidating but satisfying. But also socially, I've gotten to know some great people in this industry. I know too that I have this opportunity almost solely from my personality and willingness to learn as well. I should be more grateful.
But my mind keeps dragging around the cognitive dissonance of recently falling in love, very unexpectedly, and finding someone who kept me grounded as best she could. Who didn't make me feel so existentially alone. And then how quickly it all fell apart.
To what extent I may have unconsciously sabotaged myself it is hard to say, in addition to her psychiatric and emotional problems playing a role. All I know is the girl who used to play guitar and sing to me, who was capable of holding fascinating conversations and surprising in many ways, now acts as if I am nothing to her.. and it hurts. It really is so adolescent but I can't help it I guess.
She claims that she just wants to "slow it down" and still has hope for some far flung future. I can't help but feel like this was just her pitying acknowledgement of my sensitive disposition, trying her best to cushion the blow of telling me it's over. If she hesitated for hours to even consider possibly still going to a public event that we rsvp'd for, where once the response was immediate and enthusiastic, that is pretty telling.
Perhaps I cursed myself by recalling the old saying "the brightest flame burns out the fastest" in front of her once when telling a story. Those words stuck with her.