A Little Change Could Go A Long Ways
I listen to this song called Platano by Cassino a little too much. I don't know why, the way it sounds, I guess it's a reflection of how I am feeling, if that's even possible. Probably not but oh well, if you haven't heard it, it's been on my Myspace page for forever and a day.
Where to begin on this. I really don't know where to begin because so much has been going on and I don't think I could write it all if I really wanted to, because I don't think I could bring myself to type it out, even though not many people will read this. I really don't like writing in these things but oh well, I'll actually make an effort to make an actual entry in this thing for the first time, or an effort to make an actually entry on anything over the interweb. I have nothing to lose and I feel like venting, if this qualifies as venting.
Ever since the start of 2nd semester this school year, I have felt pretty horrible. I noticed I really started feeling extremely moot at the start of 2nd semester, and I am pretty sure I know the reason why, but I won't say here because... well because I am scared. Ha. But I noticed I have been going downhill as a person ever since then. I haven't been the same way around my friends, or to my family. I have really been neglecting both and treating them the way I shouldn't be. I really don't have the urge to speak with anyone, and when people speak with me, I guess I do my best to avoid the conversation or end it as quick as possible. The same goes for going out places, or when I am invited somewhere. I really don't feel like going anywhere most of the time with anyone. I know I've tried to avoid hanging out with friends at times, not because I was mad or upset with them, but because I really don't feel like being around anyone. I am pretty content sulking (Not literally, most of the time) in my room, just pondering away. Is this healthy? Not really. Should I be doing this? No, not at all, but I can't help it. I can't help this feeling I have within myself, about myself.
Other things which I am sure a few people know about such as me being in love with a girl who will never love me, and my pretty much non-existent relationship between my father and I don't make anythings any better.
Since my freshman year, I have been in love with this girl. She's never felt the same way, but I can honestly say I am not surprised and I am nothing compared to her. I would take Edgar's advice, but it's hard to move on. I've tried so many times before, believe or not to those who know, but God damn, I can't. I should take Edgar's and Kavon's advice, and I appreciate them being there to listen to me, and Eric as well, but I can't move on. I am such a fool. I really don't see anything about other girls that make them anything at all in my eyes. I could go on but, I have already said too much. Someone told me I have wasted enough time waiting for something that will never happen, that I am young and I should live it up, these are my high school years after all, but I don't give a damn about what most other high school students give a flying fuck about. In the end, it will be my loss as it's been pointed out. And I know all this, yet, I continue to do nothing about it. I don't think any of you know, will ever know how I feel about this situation. And I don't expect any of you to, or worry about me. I am not worth the time you all have already invested in me.
Then the whole situation with my father. There is nothing there between us anymore, or the family over there. I blame myself entirely for that one, and I can blame no one else for what happened between me and the family. I am a failure in my fathers eyes, and a disappointment for my brothers and sister. There's so much I want to say, but no amount of words will ever redeem myself in my fathers eyes. I am so sorry. I have failed him, and everyone else one too many times. I am so sorry.
I do not what to do, what to say, or what to expect out of my life anymore. All I can say is sorry for all that I have done to you all, and what I have not done for you all.
Where to begin on this. I really don't know where to begin because so much has been going on and I don't think I could write it all if I really wanted to, because I don't think I could bring myself to type it out, even though not many people will read this. I really don't like writing in these things but oh well, I'll actually make an effort to make an actual entry in this thing for the first time, or an effort to make an actually entry on anything over the interweb. I have nothing to lose and I feel like venting, if this qualifies as venting.
Ever since the start of 2nd semester this school year, I have felt pretty horrible. I noticed I really started feeling extremely moot at the start of 2nd semester, and I am pretty sure I know the reason why, but I won't say here because... well because I am scared. Ha. But I noticed I have been going downhill as a person ever since then. I haven't been the same way around my friends, or to my family. I have really been neglecting both and treating them the way I shouldn't be. I really don't have the urge to speak with anyone, and when people speak with me, I guess I do my best to avoid the conversation or end it as quick as possible. The same goes for going out places, or when I am invited somewhere. I really don't feel like going anywhere most of the time with anyone. I know I've tried to avoid hanging out with friends at times, not because I was mad or upset with them, but because I really don't feel like being around anyone. I am pretty content sulking (Not literally, most of the time) in my room, just pondering away. Is this healthy? Not really. Should I be doing this? No, not at all, but I can't help it. I can't help this feeling I have within myself, about myself.
Other things which I am sure a few people know about such as me being in love with a girl who will never love me, and my pretty much non-existent relationship between my father and I don't make anythings any better.
Since my freshman year, I have been in love with this girl. She's never felt the same way, but I can honestly say I am not surprised and I am nothing compared to her. I would take Edgar's advice, but it's hard to move on. I've tried so many times before, believe or not to those who know, but God damn, I can't. I should take Edgar's and Kavon's advice, and I appreciate them being there to listen to me, and Eric as well, but I can't move on. I am such a fool. I really don't see anything about other girls that make them anything at all in my eyes. I could go on but, I have already said too much. Someone told me I have wasted enough time waiting for something that will never happen, that I am young and I should live it up, these are my high school years after all, but I don't give a damn about what most other high school students give a flying fuck about. In the end, it will be my loss as it's been pointed out. And I know all this, yet, I continue to do nothing about it. I don't think any of you know, will ever know how I feel about this situation. And I don't expect any of you to, or worry about me. I am not worth the time you all have already invested in me.
Then the whole situation with my father. There is nothing there between us anymore, or the family over there. I blame myself entirely for that one, and I can blame no one else for what happened between me and the family. I am a failure in my fathers eyes, and a disappointment for my brothers and sister. There's so much I want to say, but no amount of words will ever redeem myself in my fathers eyes. I am so sorry. I have failed him, and everyone else one too many times. I am so sorry.
I do not what to do, what to say, or what to expect out of my life anymore. All I can say is sorry for all that I have done to you all, and what I have not done for you all.