on my spirit world
speaking with john knapp in the cafeteria today touched off a long chain of associations already started by other things, morrisey songs i listened to in my room off of mixes i made in high school, talking to stephanie and will last night. i'm so far from that isolated lonely place where I was then (in hs); where johns kind, gentle self seems to be; maybe i am overextrapolating from how he looks and the interactions i've had wioth him so far, but he seems like such a sweet person, which brings me to almost guilt that i'd rather eat alone than with him (or anyone, really; i'm so comofrtable in my own thoughts, being alone is as welcome as the changing of the season). and of course, that is because i am not left in them (my thoughts) too often, i have a sea full of friends and a memory bank full of past things. so that now when i watch fassbinder, last time i did was in high school- then i was fascinated by the emotional world depicted as a foriegn entity, now i laugh bitterly in recognition. it is so painful to feel alone, lonely, though; whether he really does feel that way or not, that fact flashed to me with such precise cold truth when i spoke to john.
i was thinking apropos of all of this of how choosy i am and one needs to be and how i got here(away from emotional promiscuity), with how few people i really let into my spirit world, into touching the things that mean a lot to me (mostly reminded because of how much i would like to share those things with stephanie, and i gingerly uncover dusty layers of self that haven't been unfolded in many months, like taking the velvet dropcloth off of a piano; i'm surprised by how earnest much if that forgotten part of me still is). Its a hard thing to do, to be able to do, to assume the weight of permanently connecting yourself to another- (edit:on rereading this, it seems implied that I was contemplating that hanging out with stephanie; thats not what I am saying, rather that abstractly, those connections ARE great and contemplating forging new ones reminds me of that).and time has borne out that those connections are more or less permanent; who, other than conner lacy (and even he, who i havent seen for years, i reprogammed the phone number of into my phone as i got one a week ago) have i really stopped knowing of, who i have ever deeply cared for? -that might sound silly, i am only 20 (for at least 2 weeks more) but thats still years of emotional connections preserved; everyone of those high school people. johnny reminded me of the strange fact when he was up here that our original friendship, before we shifted into this limbo of letters and fortuitious encounters and strained-to-make-happen visits, only lasted a few months. or adam; a summer of throwing natty light cans off the roof has transformed into a yearslong freindship and brohood between two fairly dissimilar people. thats why i toast to bros for life all of the time; it isnt sarcastic or facetious, that friendship is the most sacred thing i know of, and in talking to someone who seems to want to form a new one, who i feel mutually about, i am more excited than- really, than at any other time imaginable. but it is menacing to me also; a bro for life, is a deep silken thread that bounds you to another through continents and time; so that when you're woken up by a bail bondsman at 8 AM, you go to the ATM to take out money; so that when you get an email from someone you havent spoken to for months, you put everything in your schedule in a concentric web around that person's hint of presence, like a spider in the center of a web of misty irrelevant facts; the spider is the deep, dark core of love that lies between two people who have shared those bubbly excited conversations in someone elses kitchen, years ago or last night.
i'm very optimistic about myself these days. i've high hopes. looking at the pictures tagged of me on facebook, i thought; 1, my face has changed! become heavier, sterner, much less boyish. 2, i'm so so so excited for the 20s that stretch ahead of me; as important as this time is to me now, i suspect that after college it will be a forgotten triviality, just as the substance of my high school is. lo que quedare es estos amigos muuuuuy importantes, thats certain.
i was thinking apropos of all of this of how choosy i am and one needs to be and how i got here(away from emotional promiscuity), with how few people i really let into my spirit world, into touching the things that mean a lot to me (mostly reminded because of how much i would like to share those things with stephanie, and i gingerly uncover dusty layers of self that haven't been unfolded in many months, like taking the velvet dropcloth off of a piano; i'm surprised by how earnest much if that forgotten part of me still is). Its a hard thing to do, to be able to do, to assume the weight of permanently connecting yourself to another- (edit:on rereading this, it seems implied that I was contemplating that hanging out with stephanie; thats not what I am saying, rather that abstractly, those connections ARE great and contemplating forging new ones reminds me of that).and time has borne out that those connections are more or less permanent; who, other than conner lacy (and even he, who i havent seen for years, i reprogammed the phone number of into my phone as i got one a week ago) have i really stopped knowing of, who i have ever deeply cared for? -that might sound silly, i am only 20 (for at least 2 weeks more) but thats still years of emotional connections preserved; everyone of those high school people. johnny reminded me of the strange fact when he was up here that our original friendship, before we shifted into this limbo of letters and fortuitious encounters and strained-to-make-happen visits, only lasted a few months. or adam; a summer of throwing natty light cans off the roof has transformed into a yearslong freindship and brohood between two fairly dissimilar people. thats why i toast to bros for life all of the time; it isnt sarcastic or facetious, that friendship is the most sacred thing i know of, and in talking to someone who seems to want to form a new one, who i feel mutually about, i am more excited than- really, than at any other time imaginable. but it is menacing to me also; a bro for life, is a deep silken thread that bounds you to another through continents and time; so that when you're woken up by a bail bondsman at 8 AM, you go to the ATM to take out money; so that when you get an email from someone you havent spoken to for months, you put everything in your schedule in a concentric web around that person's hint of presence, like a spider in the center of a web of misty irrelevant facts; the spider is the deep, dark core of love that lies between two people who have shared those bubbly excited conversations in someone elses kitchen, years ago or last night.
i'm very optimistic about myself these days. i've high hopes. looking at the pictures tagged of me on facebook, i thought; 1, my face has changed! become heavier, sterner, much less boyish. 2, i'm so so so excited for the 20s that stretch ahead of me; as important as this time is to me now, i suspect that after college it will be a forgotten triviality, just as the substance of my high school is. lo que quedare es estos amigos muuuuuy importantes, thats certain.