Fic : The Case of the German Porn
Title: The Case of the German Porn
Characters: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1073
Genre: Humour, Parody
Summary: When Wilson is stuck in a hospital bed he sends House on an important mission - to clear his apartment of porn.
Author's Note This was written for a prompt by discofunction inhw_prompts. Prompt can be found here.
Wilson groaned as he adjusted his position in the bed. The bullet wound in his shoulder was killing him, as was the second one that had grazed his ribs. He groaned again, as dramatically as possible, and finally House looked up from the magazine he was reading.
"You should get that looked at." He looked straight back down to his magazine, turning a page, and examining the next as if it were the most interesting thing he had seen in a long time. He was sucking on a red sucker he'd stolen from the clinic and Wilson watched, mesmerized, as House's lips and tongue worked away at it. Damn. He adjusted his position in the bed again.
He didn't know what else he had to do to get the message through to House. He'd thrown himself in front of a crazed gunman, taken two bullets for him and House still appeared oblivious!
The moments after Wilson had been shot had been everything he had dreamed about for so long. House had dropped his cane and rushed the few steps to his side. He'd collapsed onto his knees and held - cradled! - Wilson as he had examined the wounds. He'd even made reassuring sounds. Despite the burning pain Wilson had been thrilled at the contact.
House had ridden in the back of ambulance with him, barking orders at the hapless paramedics and attending to Wilson's wounds himself.
Back at the hospital he'd hovered protectively in the ER, and had to be practically pushed out of the way as Wilson had been wheeled away for treatment. And after Wilson had been assigned a room House had turned up, and had been occupying the sole chair in his room ever since. In this room without even basic cable. If that wasn't love Wilson didn't know what was.
And yet House's love seemed to remain determinedly platonic. Despite all of Wilson's best efforts over the years (he'd proposed to the man for God's sake!) House still had him in the friend's zone. Well, it was time to change all that.
"I need you to do something for me," he said, putting all his best acting ability into the effort, his breath coming in small pathetic wheezes.
House looked up at him, those heavenly blue eyes focused straight in on him. This had to work. Wilson couldn't stand much more of this.
"I need you to go to my apartment and clear out all the porn. My parents are coming for a visit tomorrow and they want to stay in my apartment. I won't have a chance to do it myself. I can't have them finding my porn."
House took the red sucker out of his mouth and then inserted it again, sucking on it thoughtfully. Wilson held his breath.
"Afraid you'll lose your Saint Jimmy image? Okay, but I get half of it. The best half."
"What do you need half of my porn for? You're a founding member of half the internet porn sites."
House shrugged. "I don't, and I'm sure your porn is about as tame as a church newsletter anyway, but I can't do something for nothing - I have a reputation to protect. Take it or leave it."
"Okay, you can have half. But make sure you get it all. I'll give you a list of places to look."
House stood up. "You're talking to the porn king here - I don't need a list, I know all the best places to put it."
"And don't bring it here. Just take it back to your place or something. I don't want half the hospital seeing it. "
"Now Jimmy, would I do that? A man's porn should stay between him and his right hand. Or in your case his left hand."
House swaggered out of the room and Wilson lay back with a sigh of relief, his hand creeping down underneath his blanket. House couldn't possibly miss his hidden stash. Soon, very soon, House would know his secret.
When he next woke up it was to the sight of his hospital room decorated with porn of every type. There were stacks of magazines on every surface, including all over the bed. DVDs with lurid covers were displayed prominently on his rolling table and there were pinups stuck to the inside, and outside, of the glass walls of his room. Frantically he scanned it all. It wasn't there.
House was sleeping in the chair, a centrefold of a particularly buxom woman spread over him and Wilson hollered at him.
"House!"
House jerked awake and when he saw Wilson's angry expression he smirked.
"Something the matter, Jimmy boy?"
"You missed some."
From the expression on House's face it was apparent that wasn't the reaction he was expecting.
"You've got to be kidding me. It took two u-hauls to bring this lot in here. I completely cleaned that apartment out of anything that even looked like a naked woman."
"Did you look under the floorboards in the kitchen?"
"I'm a pervert not a builder."
"That's where the good stuff is."
"The good stuff?"
Wilson looked around to make sure they weren't being observed and then whispered dramatically. "The German porn."
House's eyes widened and then he hustled out of the room without another word.
When he woke up again it was to the sight of another person in bed with him. A male person. House. Finally.
House was reading yet another magazine. Only this time it was in German. Wilson looked over his shoulder and saw that the page it was open to featured a well-built man, a very well-built naked man, his body wrapped around another extremely naked man. Wilson knew that page well.
"This is my half of the porn," House said, his eyes never leaving the picture. "And when you're out of here we're trying out page 87, and page 45 and most especially page 61."
"We can do page 37 right now, if you pull the blinds," Wilson suggested and House nearly ripped the magazine apart getting to that page.
"Good people, the Germans, very flexible," House said after a long study of the page in question. He got up to lock the door and pulls the blinds.
"I've always liked them." Wilson agreed.
As they happily replicated page 37, Wilson vowed to show House his French porn as soon as possible.
Once he'd bought the handcuffs.
~ End
Characters: House/Wilson
Rating: PG-13
Words: 1073
Genre: Humour, Parody
Summary: When Wilson is stuck in a hospital bed he sends House on an important mission - to clear his apartment of porn.
Author's Note This was written for a prompt by discofunction inhw_prompts. Prompt can be found here.
Wilson groaned as he adjusted his position in the bed. The bullet wound in his shoulder was killing him, as was the second one that had grazed his ribs. He groaned again, as dramatically as possible, and finally House looked up from the magazine he was reading.
"You should get that looked at." He looked straight back down to his magazine, turning a page, and examining the next as if it were the most interesting thing he had seen in a long time. He was sucking on a red sucker he'd stolen from the clinic and Wilson watched, mesmerized, as House's lips and tongue worked away at it. Damn. He adjusted his position in the bed again.
He didn't know what else he had to do to get the message through to House. He'd thrown himself in front of a crazed gunman, taken two bullets for him and House still appeared oblivious!
The moments after Wilson had been shot had been everything he had dreamed about for so long. House had dropped his cane and rushed the few steps to his side. He'd collapsed onto his knees and held - cradled! - Wilson as he had examined the wounds. He'd even made reassuring sounds. Despite the burning pain Wilson had been thrilled at the contact.
House had ridden in the back of ambulance with him, barking orders at the hapless paramedics and attending to Wilson's wounds himself.
Back at the hospital he'd hovered protectively in the ER, and had to be practically pushed out of the way as Wilson had been wheeled away for treatment. And after Wilson had been assigned a room House had turned up, and had been occupying the sole chair in his room ever since. In this room without even basic cable. If that wasn't love Wilson didn't know what was.
And yet House's love seemed to remain determinedly platonic. Despite all of Wilson's best efforts over the years (he'd proposed to the man for God's sake!) House still had him in the friend's zone. Well, it was time to change all that.
"I need you to do something for me," he said, putting all his best acting ability into the effort, his breath coming in small pathetic wheezes.
House looked up at him, those heavenly blue eyes focused straight in on him. This had to work. Wilson couldn't stand much more of this.
"I need you to go to my apartment and clear out all the porn. My parents are coming for a visit tomorrow and they want to stay in my apartment. I won't have a chance to do it myself. I can't have them finding my porn."
House took the red sucker out of his mouth and then inserted it again, sucking on it thoughtfully. Wilson held his breath.
"Afraid you'll lose your Saint Jimmy image? Okay, but I get half of it. The best half."
"What do you need half of my porn for? You're a founding member of half the internet porn sites."
House shrugged. "I don't, and I'm sure your porn is about as tame as a church newsletter anyway, but I can't do something for nothing - I have a reputation to protect. Take it or leave it."
"Okay, you can have half. But make sure you get it all. I'll give you a list of places to look."
House stood up. "You're talking to the porn king here - I don't need a list, I know all the best places to put it."
"And don't bring it here. Just take it back to your place or something. I don't want half the hospital seeing it. "
"Now Jimmy, would I do that? A man's porn should stay between him and his right hand. Or in your case his left hand."
House swaggered out of the room and Wilson lay back with a sigh of relief, his hand creeping down underneath his blanket. House couldn't possibly miss his hidden stash. Soon, very soon, House would know his secret.
When he next woke up it was to the sight of his hospital room decorated with porn of every type. There were stacks of magazines on every surface, including all over the bed. DVDs with lurid covers were displayed prominently on his rolling table and there were pinups stuck to the inside, and outside, of the glass walls of his room. Frantically he scanned it all. It wasn't there.
House was sleeping in the chair, a centrefold of a particularly buxom woman spread over him and Wilson hollered at him.
"House!"
House jerked awake and when he saw Wilson's angry expression he smirked.
"Something the matter, Jimmy boy?"
"You missed some."
From the expression on House's face it was apparent that wasn't the reaction he was expecting.
"You've got to be kidding me. It took two u-hauls to bring this lot in here. I completely cleaned that apartment out of anything that even looked like a naked woman."
"Did you look under the floorboards in the kitchen?"
"I'm a pervert not a builder."
"That's where the good stuff is."
"The good stuff?"
Wilson looked around to make sure they weren't being observed and then whispered dramatically. "The German porn."
House's eyes widened and then he hustled out of the room without another word.
When he woke up again it was to the sight of another person in bed with him. A male person. House. Finally.
House was reading yet another magazine. Only this time it was in German. Wilson looked over his shoulder and saw that the page it was open to featured a well-built man, a very well-built naked man, his body wrapped around another extremely naked man. Wilson knew that page well.
"This is my half of the porn," House said, his eyes never leaving the picture. "And when you're out of here we're trying out page 87, and page 45 and most especially page 61."
"We can do page 37 right now, if you pull the blinds," Wilson suggested and House nearly ripped the magazine apart getting to that page.
"Good people, the Germans, very flexible," House said after a long study of the page in question. He got up to lock the door and pulls the blinds.
"I've always liked them." Wilson agreed.
As they happily replicated page 37, Wilson vowed to show House his French porn as soon as possible.
Once he'd bought the handcuffs.
~ End