(no subject)
Rollercoaster, that is how life has been feeling lately. Rollercoaster of emotions, and right now I’m coming close to the bottom. Its all a blur on what sets me off and what gets me high. SO I’m such a school girl but at the same time I miss feeling that way. I miss feeling loved, or cared about. I guess there are things of Brett I miss a lot. I miss the good times, I miss the first time we said “I love you” to each other, remember that night clear as day. I remember calling Cynthia the next day at school passing the court yard of Uconn, telling her about it. I miss cuddling, CUDDLING, miss it so much. The last time me and Brett hung out like a month ago when we were saying good bye to each other all I really wanted and needed was a hug. Just one hug. Though I knew it wasn’t appropriate. I guess the worst part is I can’t remember a happy time in which I sat back and took the time to think “wow I better enjoy this cause this might be our last happy time.” Kinda feel like a carpet was swept up under me.
I sit here and cry but I really don’t think it’s for Brett. Because he isn’t the cause to all my sadness…. I guess my mom leaving hurts too. I don’t quite understand it, though I don’t blame her for it either. I know she’ll be happier down there, which is why I don’t even ask her questions about it. She might take that as a sign of not caring, or just being the selfish daughter I have always been. But its truly the fact that I know I can’t talk about it cause I know I’ll lose it.
It reminds me of when my mom was moving out and she picked up a basket and said she was going to take it. I lost it and started crying, not about the stupid basket but because I didn’t want here to leave and it kinda hit me at that moment that this was for real. But she assumed it was because it was a basket my dad used for laundry that I didn’t want her to take it. So she left it. Of course still to this day she probably thinks that I cried cause it was dad’s laundry basket.
I guess it just feels like I’m losing another person in my life. Brett use to be my rock, no matter how hard life got, he would was there and nothing else mattered. Not even my family or friends. Well I don’t have him anymore, and I feel like I’m losing my family more and more each day….
I sit here and cry but I really don’t think it’s for Brett. Because he isn’t the cause to all my sadness…. I guess my mom leaving hurts too. I don’t quite understand it, though I don’t blame her for it either. I know she’ll be happier down there, which is why I don’t even ask her questions about it. She might take that as a sign of not caring, or just being the selfish daughter I have always been. But its truly the fact that I know I can’t talk about it cause I know I’ll lose it.
It reminds me of when my mom was moving out and she picked up a basket and said she was going to take it. I lost it and started crying, not about the stupid basket but because I didn’t want here to leave and it kinda hit me at that moment that this was for real. But she assumed it was because it was a basket my dad used for laundry that I didn’t want her to take it. So she left it. Of course still to this day she probably thinks that I cried cause it was dad’s laundry basket.
I guess it just feels like I’m losing another person in my life. Brett use to be my rock, no matter how hard life got, he would was there and nothing else mattered. Not even my family or friends. Well I don’t have him anymore, and I feel like I’m losing my family more and more each day….