Forty-eight. College dreams.
When I'm having a really bad time of things, my subconscious likes to treat me to recurring dreams that loop together to form a continuous story. I call them my 'college dreams', because although I've never gotten to attend a college or university, they all seem to revolve around me being at a college of some kind. Living in a dorm, getting books, studying, the whole nine yards...except it's the University of the Day After the Apocalypse. The lights in the dorms don't work, the students flee to bomb shelters, there's a strange religious cult on the campus, and paper is so rationed that the students of one class sell off sets of notebooks of lecture notes rather than throwing them away when the class is done. I'm always worried about failing, I'm always forgetting my classes, the teachers seem to hate me and I get lost in the maze of classrooms and underground steam tunnels.
Outright nightmares are better than the college dreams, because of the sense of dread that pervades them, and the underlying hopelessness of them. I realized why when I woke up from one this morning: they're inescapable, a scenario I can't get out of. These dreams never let me get off campus, get ahead, get a break, and the people in them are invariably people who intimidate me or whom I can't bring myself to associate with normally for various reasons. It's like my very own under-educated version of "No Exit".
Make of this what you will.
Here in the light of day, with things changing around me, I'm summoning up college brochures. Sometimes they say the way to work your way out of a phobia or mental issue is to confront it head-on, so I'm being serious about my options. I hope the time will present itself next year, the way things are panning out.
In other news, I love this song. The chorus "You fucked your way in, now you can fuck your way out"? My words to live by and to offer to some people I could mention.
Outright nightmares are better than the college dreams, because of the sense of dread that pervades them, and the underlying hopelessness of them. I realized why when I woke up from one this morning: they're inescapable, a scenario I can't get out of. These dreams never let me get off campus, get ahead, get a break, and the people in them are invariably people who intimidate me or whom I can't bring myself to associate with normally for various reasons. It's like my very own under-educated version of "No Exit".
Make of this what you will.
Here in the light of day, with things changing around me, I'm summoning up college brochures. Sometimes they say the way to work your way out of a phobia or mental issue is to confront it head-on, so I'm being serious about my options. I hope the time will present itself next year, the way things are panning out.
In other news, I love this song. The chorus "You fucked your way in, now you can fuck your way out"? My words to live by and to offer to some people I could mention.