(no subject)
In social situations, I try to develop counter-shame. I'm usually on edge, never really relaxed. How do I sound? How do I come across? I feel my social deficiencies so sharply, it's like knives in my belly. I feel the constant pull to develop an image, a self, that I am publically, socially, but I can't get there. I'm sure I have a personality that reveals itself despite whatever shenanigans my all-too-important anxiety gets up to, and maybe it's all a part of my true personality -- because if I'm expressing it, if it's coming out of my mouth and shows itself in my behavior, isn't that by definition who I am? -- or at least part of who I am? -- but no, I have to find my authentic self, my best self. I have to find some order in the tumult, some attitude that suits me that I can put on in social situations, some skin I can be proud of, like a safe extension of me, bait on the hook, a gloved hand.
I haven't found her yet.
I'm still so unsure of myself in social situations. "I'm still trying to figure out what dress I want to wear," is what it comes down to. I think it's part of what made me fall in love you, right there in one line. I resonated so strongly with the idea of still trying on multiple selves, of not having landed on the one that was really, truly, beautifully ME yet. But you helped me love myself anyway. You made me feel like it was completely okay not to have chosen, to still be in uncertainty. I don't even know, honestly, what you meant by that line, but it strung a thousand chords with only one.
Anyway, it hurts. I'm isolated socially, trapped in awkward self-consciousness. I can never be loose, heavens no, except maybe with people who have known me so well and so long that they've become part of the way I think and behave, part of me, to a point.
And I hate it! It's so painful for me socially, so, so painful. I enjoy many people, I want to seek them out as friends, I want to have a social circle to whom I belong, but I don't foresee it ever really happening for me. It gets me down, too, because I've never really figured out if I'm socially awkward because I'm inept or if I'm socially awkward because I'm just AWKWARD. AS FUCK. The awkwardness, of course, stemming from my self-consciousness and a few other related neuroses.
Now it seems to me that I'm just so self-conscious and anxious that who would expect me to be my waggish, silly, affable self? I just get downhearted when I see people being silly and carefree socially, people who do it effortlessly and without thought -- and this includes pretty much everyone I know. As much as I enjoy seeing people like that, it contrasts wonderfully with my awkwardness. On a daily basis, several things I'll say sound somewhat rehearsed to me, almost forced, like I'm putting on a show or I'm too tense to have a real response. Why is that? I'm not a disingenuous person -- in fact, I've been called genuine by more than one person -- but I've also been called intense, and it's not difficult to see why.
Sigh.
Oh, well. I'll leave it for now.
I haven't found her yet.
I'm still so unsure of myself in social situations. "I'm still trying to figure out what dress I want to wear," is what it comes down to. I think it's part of what made me fall in love you, right there in one line. I resonated so strongly with the idea of still trying on multiple selves, of not having landed on the one that was really, truly, beautifully ME yet. But you helped me love myself anyway. You made me feel like it was completely okay not to have chosen, to still be in uncertainty. I don't even know, honestly, what you meant by that line, but it strung a thousand chords with only one.
Anyway, it hurts. I'm isolated socially, trapped in awkward self-consciousness. I can never be loose, heavens no, except maybe with people who have known me so well and so long that they've become part of the way I think and behave, part of me, to a point.
And I hate it! It's so painful for me socially, so, so painful. I enjoy many people, I want to seek them out as friends, I want to have a social circle to whom I belong, but I don't foresee it ever really happening for me. It gets me down, too, because I've never really figured out if I'm socially awkward because I'm inept or if I'm socially awkward because I'm just AWKWARD. AS FUCK. The awkwardness, of course, stemming from my self-consciousness and a few other related neuroses.
Now it seems to me that I'm just so self-conscious and anxious that who would expect me to be my waggish, silly, affable self? I just get downhearted when I see people being silly and carefree socially, people who do it effortlessly and without thought -- and this includes pretty much everyone I know. As much as I enjoy seeing people like that, it contrasts wonderfully with my awkwardness. On a daily basis, several things I'll say sound somewhat rehearsed to me, almost forced, like I'm putting on a show or I'm too tense to have a real response. Why is that? I'm not a disingenuous person -- in fact, I've been called genuine by more than one person -- but I've also been called intense, and it's not difficult to see why.
Sigh.
Oh, well. I'll leave it for now.