This open book yet to be read, this second look, this leap ahead.
I've been thinking about this entry for a while now. A sort of blanket "State of-a the Me" um... statement. Statey-ness-thinger. Anyway!
My internet life is a whole lot different now that I don't have a desk job, or a job that keeps me sedentary to begin with. Which is honestly, what I've come to realize is the best kind of job for me. One that doesn't give me time to ever really get bored or procrastinate or daydream because I'm just always in the middle of talking to the next person to cross my path. Which for some reason I not only thrive upon, but excel at because I like things moving at a fast pace.
I'm what they call a Kinesthetic learner. I need to touch and feel the world in order to understand it. I learn by doing, not by reading or being told something.
My LJ-hibernation has mainly been due to this lack of time in the middle of the day when lollygagging would usually commence in the form of random postings and commentings and fic-ings. But I have still maintained a presence in places like Twitter and Tumblr so it's really probably more likely that I am actually um...
I've stopped watching SPN. Not because of lack of enjoyment or whatever. I think of it and all I can manage is a shrug and a "meh?" I don't feel hot or cold towards show these days. During the week, I look forward more to the next episode of Batman or Avengers cartoons. My free time is occupied by trying to force myself to do chores and/or giving up to play videogames instead.
I do miss what fandom was to me, but not in a clinging, desperate need to get back to it anytime soon. More or less a wistful, "Oh, that was fun! We should do that again sometime." Like a bunch of old friends meeting up for a fun weekend partying before going back to their families and jobs and real lives.
My place in fandom might not be as close to the center as it was, but I'm really okay with that. This was fun. I'm taking out of this some very dear friends and people that have become incredibly important to me to have in my life. I had such fun and read and wrote and consumed and laughed and squeed and cheered and booed and did so amongst friends in a safe space where I could feel good about being a big huge dork.
This was an experience I needed to have. I have had some times when I look back and want to smack myself in the face. Times when I think I was a douche for no good reason. Times when I looked or clicked when I shouldn't have, times when I let myself care waaaaaay too much about something that really didn't mean that much. Comments and emails and words I can't take back, but y'know what? I wouldn't want to. I needed the humility, and I needed the reality checks and I needed the catharsis. It's given me the courage to try things even when I risk humiliation or failure; and the tools I needed to look back and laugh at the mistakes. I don't mind if I fall down with grace or aplomb, so long as I've given it an earnest try.
Maybe this isn't a real goodbye, I don't think it really has to be. Who knows, I could wake up tomorrow and start posting fic or watching and loving show, and this whole thing I just threw together would be the ironic frosting on the delicious cake of fandomish me. Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!
This doesn't have to be anything like a goodbye. Pretend it's my way of saying hello.
My internet life is a whole lot different now that I don't have a desk job, or a job that keeps me sedentary to begin with. Which is honestly, what I've come to realize is the best kind of job for me. One that doesn't give me time to ever really get bored or procrastinate or daydream because I'm just always in the middle of talking to the next person to cross my path. Which for some reason I not only thrive upon, but excel at because I like things moving at a fast pace.
I'm what they call a Kinesthetic learner. I need to touch and feel the world in order to understand it. I learn by doing, not by reading or being told something.
My LJ-hibernation has mainly been due to this lack of time in the middle of the day when lollygagging would usually commence in the form of random postings and commentings and fic-ings. But I have still maintained a presence in places like Twitter and Tumblr so it's really probably more likely that I am actually um...
I've stopped watching SPN. Not because of lack of enjoyment or whatever. I think of it and all I can manage is a shrug and a "meh?" I don't feel hot or cold towards show these days. During the week, I look forward more to the next episode of Batman or Avengers cartoons. My free time is occupied by trying to force myself to do chores and/or giving up to play videogames instead.
I do miss what fandom was to me, but not in a clinging, desperate need to get back to it anytime soon. More or less a wistful, "Oh, that was fun! We should do that again sometime." Like a bunch of old friends meeting up for a fun weekend partying before going back to their families and jobs and real lives.
My place in fandom might not be as close to the center as it was, but I'm really okay with that. This was fun. I'm taking out of this some very dear friends and people that have become incredibly important to me to have in my life. I had such fun and read and wrote and consumed and laughed and squeed and cheered and booed and did so amongst friends in a safe space where I could feel good about being a big huge dork.
This was an experience I needed to have. I have had some times when I look back and want to smack myself in the face. Times when I think I was a douche for no good reason. Times when I looked or clicked when I shouldn't have, times when I let myself care waaaaaay too much about something that really didn't mean that much. Comments and emails and words I can't take back, but y'know what? I wouldn't want to. I needed the humility, and I needed the reality checks and I needed the catharsis. It's given me the courage to try things even when I risk humiliation or failure; and the tools I needed to look back and laugh at the mistakes. I don't mind if I fall down with grace or aplomb, so long as I've given it an earnest try.
Maybe this isn't a real goodbye, I don't think it really has to be. Who knows, I could wake up tomorrow and start posting fic or watching and loving show, and this whole thing I just threw together would be the ironic frosting on the delicious cake of fandomish me. Just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in!
This doesn't have to be anything like a goodbye. Pretend it's my way of saying hello.