Rex Manning Day
In response to 10 Ways to Cope With Snow from the BBC News Website:
1. Salt is your friend.
In the wild, salt is the natural predator of snow. So embrace the sodium chloride you've long thought to just be what you sprinkle on tomato slices or buttered toast and and let it fly across your streets and driveway and watch as the terrible ice and snow is rendered useless through the wonders of SALT.
2. Never let your guard down.
Two words motherfuckers: Abominable. Snowman. He's out there, and he's got a taste for human meat. Wear lots of layers and cover yourself with cat pee to mask your scent.
3. Suck it up.
I don't hear people in Scandinavia bitching. Are you saying Finland is better than you? You're fucking ENGLAND, you ruled the world for the better part of a few centuries. Chin up, and don't let some fucking FROZEN WATER take you down.
4. You will fall on your ass in the snow.
And it's gonna suck. Again, does Finland cry when they fall in the snow? NO THEY DO NOT.
5. Buy an extra pair of socks.
Here's a trick, wear socks in your boots to keep your feet warm. Should snow get in there, CHANGE YOUR BLOODY SOCKS.
6. Know the drill.
Should a single flake fall from the sky, please do panic and run screaming through the streets tearing at yourself like some biblical prophet seeing the end of days upon you and then throw yourself off a cliff like a lemming and DO US ALL A FAVOR.
7. Build a snowman.
You can pretend he's Parson Brown. Or maybe he's the Uncle that touched you in your special no-no place when you were seven and you can have the satisfaction of stomping the snowy life out of him with your boots. Please heed tip #5 should snow get inside your boots whilst stomping.
8. Learn from the experience.
So the next time this happens you'll be like, "Oh, it's just snow, whatever, I have clean socks" and GET OVER IT.
9. Move the snow to where it's needed.
In 1863, Yohann Shövel of Transylvania gave to the world a wonderful invention called the SHOVEL. It can, through the use of basic physics and science and just a tiny pinch of magic, actually transport the cold, evil snow off of whatever it's covering, and over to somewhere else, without the user having to TOUCH the snow at all. Calloo Callay! Oh frabjous day! No longer will you have to remove snow from your driveway using your bare hands, or rolling your 8-year old children in it. BUY A SHOVEL.
10. Move to Singapore.
Seriously GTFO. I'm done with you and your irrational fucking fear of FROZEN WATER falling from the sky. Y'know what's fucking scary? Brown recluse spiders. One bite from them can turn your flesh black and have it peel off from your skin like an orange. That's fucking scary. SNOW IS NOT.
**
There's a show on tonight that I kinda like, with boys named Dean and Sam Winchester. I'll probably watch it, because I think they like to hold hands or something.
1. Salt is your friend.
In the wild, salt is the natural predator of snow. So embrace the sodium chloride you've long thought to just be what you sprinkle on tomato slices or buttered toast and and let it fly across your streets and driveway and watch as the terrible ice and snow is rendered useless through the wonders of SALT.
2. Never let your guard down.
Two words motherfuckers: Abominable. Snowman. He's out there, and he's got a taste for human meat. Wear lots of layers and cover yourself with cat pee to mask your scent.
3. Suck it up.
I don't hear people in Scandinavia bitching. Are you saying Finland is better than you? You're fucking ENGLAND, you ruled the world for the better part of a few centuries. Chin up, and don't let some fucking FROZEN WATER take you down.
4. You will fall on your ass in the snow.
And it's gonna suck. Again, does Finland cry when they fall in the snow? NO THEY DO NOT.
5. Buy an extra pair of socks.
Here's a trick, wear socks in your boots to keep your feet warm. Should snow get in there, CHANGE YOUR BLOODY SOCKS.
6. Know the drill.
Should a single flake fall from the sky, please do panic and run screaming through the streets tearing at yourself like some biblical prophet seeing the end of days upon you and then throw yourself off a cliff like a lemming and DO US ALL A FAVOR.
7. Build a snowman.
You can pretend he's Parson Brown. Or maybe he's the Uncle that touched you in your special no-no place when you were seven and you can have the satisfaction of stomping the snowy life out of him with your boots. Please heed tip #5 should snow get inside your boots whilst stomping.
8. Learn from the experience.
So the next time this happens you'll be like, "Oh, it's just snow, whatever, I have clean socks" and GET OVER IT.
9. Move the snow to where it's needed.
In 1863, Yohann Shövel of Transylvania gave to the world a wonderful invention called the SHOVEL. It can, through the use of basic physics and science and just a tiny pinch of magic, actually transport the cold, evil snow off of whatever it's covering, and over to somewhere else, without the user having to TOUCH the snow at all. Calloo Callay! Oh frabjous day! No longer will you have to remove snow from your driveway using your bare hands, or rolling your 8-year old children in it. BUY A SHOVEL.
10. Move to Singapore.
Seriously GTFO. I'm done with you and your irrational fucking fear of FROZEN WATER falling from the sky. Y'know what's fucking scary? Brown recluse spiders. One bite from them can turn your flesh black and have it peel off from your skin like an orange. That's fucking scary. SNOW IS NOT.
**
There's a show on tonight that I kinda like, with boys named Dean and Sam Winchester. I'll probably watch it, because I think they like to hold hands or something.