The Seahorse: Chapter 1
**
Chapter 1: Pseudocyesis
There's a knock at the door, and Jensen smirks.
"Timing is everything, huh?"
His patient nods and grimaces as Jensen sets down the speculum and leans his head towards the closed door.
"I'm in the middle of an exam."
"Sorry, Dr. Ackles, there's a priority call for you on line three," the nurse says from the other side of the door.
Jensen furrows his brow; usually he doesn't get calls during his clinic hours. "I'm almost done. Take down the number and I'll call back-"
"He said he'd hold if you were busy," the nurse interrupts, and Jensen hears her walk away. He turns back to his patient with a shrug, and she lets out a deep breath as he picks up the speculum and continues from where he left off.
"Sorry about that. Now try and relax, it really isn't going to hurt." Reassurances aside, his patient still scoffs.
When he's done with the Pap test, he takes her out to the clinic receptionist, telling her when her results should be in. All the while she keeps grilling him about STDs.
"HPV is really very common, don't let the commercials scare you into thinking it's cervical cancer when it's not," Jensen says. She takes a bunch of pamphlets from the front desk, and thanks him for the information.
"Dr. Ackles, I've still got that call holding for you on three," the nurse says. Jensen's just about to grab the phone when she adds, "It's Dr. Rosenbaum."
Jensen's hand freezes, and he pulls it back almost immediately. "I think I'll take this call privately, transfer it to Exam Room 6." She nods and he half-jogs back into the little room, grabbing the phone the moment it rings.
He doesn't skip a beat, says, "Mike, I keep telling you I'm not switching to endocrinology, so you'll just have to get your human growth hormone somewhere else. Now if you're interested in a pill that will give you a lighter period..."
Mike snorts, probably trying to stifle a laugh on the other end. "Hey, is this Dr. Jensen Ackles? The world's only gay gynecologist? You still able to spend all day looking at vaginas, or has your dick finally fallen off and run away screaming?"
"Mike, you've got to get over this jealousy thing, it's pathetic. Just because the last time you saw a vagina that wasn't in a fold-out was back when you had hair..."
They go back and forth until Mike clears his throat and says, "Look, I've got to talk shop with you, actually."
"Mmm," Jensen's tone switches to a more serious one, "so why'd you call?"
"I've got a patient suffering from," Mike pauses, sighing, "what has to be the strangest case of hysterical pregnancy I've ever encountered."
"Mmm-hmm, go on." Jensen pulls out his pocket notebook and pen. Mike, or Dr. Michael Rosenbaum as the case may be, works predominantly in abnormal psychology. So if something's strange to him, it's got to be an 11 on the weird scale.
"Well, it's somewhere between a case of hysterical pregnancy and, some kind of really, really strong delusion. And I was researching some new therapies the other day and one doctor reported some success when he took his patients to see an OB/GYN. It didn't work for everyone, but a few patients started to accept the truth after a visit and some more work with their doctors. And, well, I'm really starting to get worried that my patient might need a reality check before his family has him committed."
"...His family?"
Mike snorts, "Told you it was bizarre."
Jensen shakes his head, "Yeah, that's a new one for me too. So what exactly do I need to, uh, do? You sure you don't want me to recommend a proctologist?"
Mike's laughing again. "Oh God, I'm just picturing this guy trying to get into the stirrups, ugh. It's not a pretty picture."
"Oh, don't act like you don't like it."
"You're sick. You look at goddamn pussy all day, and then you get turned on by some bare-ass naked guy spreading his hairy legs for you. You've got such dementia, I could get a Nobel fucking prize for writing about it."
Jensen laughs. "I think there's some tests we could run, blood work, if my ultrasound nurse is free, she could help, let's see." Jensen runs down his schedule in his head. "Y'know, I think I can see him tomorrow afternoon, so long as no one goes into labor. I'm on call but I don't have clinic hours."
"Great, I'll call at one o'clock to confirm."
"Sounds good, talk to you soon."
"Enjoy the view," Mike adds before hanging up.
Jensen sighs. Sometimes he wonders himself why he does it.
**
Timing really is everything.
Because the next morning, Ms. Fredericks goes into premature labor, one week before her due date. He tells the nurse to call Dr. Rosenbaum and tell him he's going to run late. Ms. Fredericks is lying in the hospital bed, huffing and puffing with her panicking husband at her side. He keeps jogging out to the nurse's station for ice-chips and to get coffee and he keeps mixing the two up by accident, so when he reaches into the cup to give his wife something to chew, he burns his fingers.
Jensen remembers why he does this job when he's in the room. Ms. Fredericks on the bed, body straining and screaming, her husband at her side, letting her squeeze his hand until it's white. The nurse at her other side, telling her she's doing great, just great.
And there's this, well, it's a mess on the one hand. Jensen doesn't like to sugarcoat it. Pregnancy is messy and disgusting and there are parts of the anatomy that everyone should be glad never to see. It's not some flowery miracle of life and birth and the power of love and sex. It's bloody and there's the placenta and this little tiny shriveled, shrieking, wriggling mess in your arms, with a cord coming out of its stomach and a face pulled tight and sometimes blue, anger and sadness and fear as it takes its very first breath in the world outside.
But there's that moment when Jensen looks back at his patients, the mask covering him so no one sees it, the big dopey grin on his face. It's that moment Jensen realizes he's looking at the parents, not just patients. Mr. and Ms. Fredericks, father and mother. In an instant, a flash, their lives have completely changed, and you can read it on their faces. But they don't believe it, not right away. They just stare at him, holding their breath, like they're waiting for the curtain to drop.
And that's when Jensen says, "It's a boy." And suddenly it hits them and they cry or cheer or laugh, kiss, hug, scream, faint. There's a moment of euphoria in that little white room. He's seen couples fight each other tooth and nail all the way through the delivery, only to turn around and shout their love for one another once the kid is in their arms. Divorced couples, or one-night stands that hate each other, couples unable to look one another in the face, suddenly turn back to loving. Jensen thinks it's the secret to ending all conflict, holding a baby. You can't drop a bomb with a baby in your arms.
Well, you could, technically. But Jensen doesn't think anyone actually has.
**
Mike is in the staff lounge by the time Jensen finishes up in the delivery room. He's helping himself to a cup of coffee, flirting mercilessly with one of the first-year residents. Jensen smiles, it's just like back in med school, where they met; Mike with his bottomless libido.
Back in those days they were both on-track for focusing on internal medicine; and then Mike up and decided to switch to psychiatrics, and later psychology. Conveniently this all changed right before they began working with the cadavers in the "gross labs" of Anatomy 101. Jensen remembers hating Mike for weaseling his way out of that one, he got through the three hours wrist-deep inside a dead body, and he did it without gagging until the very moment the class ended. Then he ran out into the hallway and emptied his stomach on the floor, right in front of a group of smirking seniors. So maybe Jensen's still kind of bitter Mike wasn't there to share that experience with him.
"First year's always the hardest, you know, I can empathize with the place you're coming from." He takes her hand into his, giving her a sympathetic look.
"Mike!" Jensen's right at his side, putting his hand on his shoulder and turning him around. Stifling a laugh, he gives Mike a sincerely pained look, "I just got the tests back, baby. We've got the Clap."
The intern jerks her hand away and quickly leaves the room, not looking back. Jensen starts laughing under his breath.
"You? Are such an asshole."
"Aww what's the matter muffin? Does it burn when you pee?" Jensen says reaching out to pinch Mike underneath the chin and Mike slaps his hand away.
"Fucking asshole", Mike mutters, and Jensen ignores his retort, helping himself to a cup of coffee.
"So where's the little babydaddy?" Jensen asks, taking a sip.
Mike scoffs. "Little, right. He's waiting in exam 12. The nurse is taking his vitals."
Jensen motions for them to start towards the room. "So what exactly am I supposed to do? Besides bloodwork and an ultrasound?"
"Well, the study said the patient interviews with the physician helped. Ask him if he's feeling bloated. Missed his period."
"Ha!" Jensen grabs the clipboard from the nurses' station, the name at the top reading 'Padalecki, Jared'. "Pala… Pada?"
"Padaladadingdong," Mike offers. "Actually it's pronounced 'Smith'."
"Right." Jensen reaches for the doorknob. "You coming in?"
"Nah, call my cell when you're done; I'm gonna take a walk."
"You sure? I betcha I can get him into the stirrups."
Mike makes a series of gagging noises and walks away. Jensen laughs and knocks once on the door before going in, looking at the name on the chart again. "Jared Pada..?"
"Padalecki." A young man answers. He's sitting on the exam table, wearing the same paper-thin gown all Jensen's patients have to wear. But the thing is, all of Jensen's patients are women, and so it makes sense for said paper-thin gown to have the opening in the front instead of the back like typical paper-thin hospital gowns.
Jared is doing his best to stay modest, keeping his legs crossed together (very, very long legs, Jensen can't help but remark to himself) and maybe he's been waiting for a while so it's natural that he'd sort of kick his legs back and forth on the table impatiently. And wearing that paper-thin gown that opened in the front; his long legs, very long legs kicking back and forth. The paper-thin gown made for a woman, with room for an ample bosom-but instead of covering him, the sagging paper gown gives Jensen a full-view of Jared's chest; pectorals and nipples exposed, and the lean curve of his muscles, placing him somewhere in-between gangly and gargantuan.
But Jared looks less than uncomfortable, smiling at him, 100-watts and all. Smiling even though he's sitting there in a slightly cold exam room (his nipples, rock hard so Jensen can see them) in nothing more than a paper-thin gown that opens in the front, showing a little more than he means to.
Jensen becomes aware something's happening when Jared's smile fades and his lips start moving, and he doesn't know why but Jared's pointing at his shoes. That's when Jensen looks down to see he's pouring out the rest of his coffee onto the tiled floor.
"Oh, perfect," Jensen says, looking at the brown stains on his formally-white sneakers. "Sorry about that, you were saying?" Jensen asks as he juggles his coffee cup and clipboard around.
"I was just, y'know, nevermind." Jared clears his throat. "Hi, I'm Jared," he says and holds out his hand. Jensen steps out of the puddle of coffee and tosses the paper cup into the trash.
Jensen steps forward to shake his hand. "Hi, I'm Dr. Ackles, Dr. Rosenbaum told me you'd be coming, it's just that I really, really, have never had a male patient before. It was a lot to take in." Jensen's eyes might have wandered down toward Jared's crotch when he said that, but they quickly snap back up.
"You're telling me. I mean, I'm not exactly sure what I should, um, do here. My little sister made me watch some Lifetime movies so I know what those are for," Jared says, gesturing towards the silver stirrups attached to the exam table. "But, do I really have to use them?"
Jensen shakes his head no and Jared lets out a breath of relief. "Oh, yeah, don't worry about those. I'm just doing a routine check-up here. So, you think you're pregnant?" Jensen asks, taking a seat on the swivel-stool. He's so proud of himself for getting through that sentence without laughing.
Jared bites the corner of his mouth. "I am pregnant."
"Pseudocyesis-hysterical pregnancy, is very-"
"I've heard it before. In fact, I hear it every day, from Dr. Rosenbaum, my parents, my friends. This isn't hysterical pregnancy."
Jensen raises an eyebrow, and jots it down in the chart. "I see your vitals are fairly normal-" He flips to the blood work. Jared's been waiting long enough for it to be finished. "-huh."
"Huh?" Jared says, leaning forward, trying to read his chart. Jensen quickly pulls back and holds it to his chest.
Jensen clears his throat. "Just some elevated estrogen levels. All men and women have estrogen and testosterone naturally. The elevated estrogen is common in both pregnant women and hysterically pregnant ones. Nothing to worry about."
Jared rolls his eyes. "The nurse said it was the highest she'd ever seen in a guy."
Jensen holds his pleasant smile. It's true, but he's supposed to help Mike snap this kid out of this delusion, not reinforce it.
"Okay, let's do this the old-school way. So, why do you think you're pregnant?"
"Because I'm cursed." Jared sighs, leaning back on the exam table, resting his head against the wall.
"Excuse me?"
"When I was twelve, I went to this museum benefit, and my dad is one of the benefactors, so it was me, and my brother and my sister and my mom and this room full of Egyptian artifacts from a temple they exhumed. And like, these were the real things, not just cast models. I mean, like my dad said, 'For five thousand bucks a plate, they should have goddamn King Tut serving you himself!'" Jared says, making a stern face and crossing his arms in what must be an imitation of his father.
"So there I am, big old boring museum, wearing this stupid tie that my mom wouldn't let me take off. And I'm walking through the hall trying to undo it when there's like, this moment where I zig when I should have zagged or something-okay so I was actually playing freeze-tag with some of the other kids and my little sister, but it totally wasn't just me! I zig and I zag and whammo! Right into this little stand-thingy. And then I hear something break, so I make a run for it.
"They catch me, of course, Mom, Dad, the museum guards. They made my dad pay to help replace the statue I broke. It was this little sheep-headed figurine of the Egyptian God, Khnum. And the way the story goes, he's the god that molds babies out of clay and sticks them in their mother's wombs. At least, that's what the curator told me afterwards. And then he tells me-joking, of course he doesn't mean it but he says it anyway-he says: 'Khnum was one of the oldest gods of the Nile, and I wouldn't be surprised if he seeks out his vengeance on you when you least expect it.' And well, here I am."
Jensen stares right at him, trying to read his face for a hint of joking. Half-expecting Mike to burst in the door and yell April Fools, even though it's already passed.
"You, you think you've been cursed pregnant... by a statue of some Egyptian fertility god?" Jensen asks slowly.
"Well, put it like that, and it sounds kinda ridiculous." Jared laughs, scratching his head. "And I just, I know. I can feel it, somehow. You'd be able to tell if you were pregnant, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you just know, Dr. Ackles?"
"I... no, I don't think I would. I don't-" Jensen shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Look, never mind. So you believe you are pregnant because you were cursed when you were twelve, and it's just suddenly decided to start up now?"
"No I mean, I know it just doesn't work like that, Dr. Ackles. I mean, I know it takes two to tango, so to speak. And, well I fucked up, got really drunk on St. Patrick's Day, and I had unprotected sex. It was stupid, I know. Don't worry, we got tested for like, everything. Scariest fucking week of my life, waiting to find out," Jared says, taking his bottom lip in-between his teeth. Jensen does not find that adorable, at all. Really.
"We?" Jensen holds up his hand. "Ahh, you mean you and your... partner?"
"Yeah, me and the uh, well the father, I guess. But we're not, like that, really. It was an accident. I mean, not like his dick slipped on a banana peel but-" Jared laughs. "Never mind. We're just friends, and he doesn't know yet but I'm kinda not in the mood to have that particular discussion and um, you can just shut me up here anytime now, I'm a babbler. Give me five minutes and I'll tell you about every guy I've slept with-there's only two so it won't take that long, but I'll also go off on my pet goldfish from third grade and the fact that I've been eating rocky road with pickles and ketchup for lunch every day for the past week because it's the only thing that I can keep down." Jared ducks his head, trying to hide the flush of his cheeks. "Please, just stop me okay? I really will spill everything if you don't say something soon."
Jensen realizes he hasn't wanted to interrupt him at all, not only stuck on the words tumbling from his mouth, but the quirk of his lips, the way he wants to move closer and closer-fuck, he shouldn't be having these thoughts! Jensen decides he really, really does not like this completely foreign feeling of being attracted to his patients. It's part of why he decided to go for gynecology; at least it was safe from that.
"Mmm-hmm, okay, one final question. What was the date of your last period?"
Jared rolls his eyes. "Oh come on! I don't have a period."
"Not yet menstruating. Okay, not pregnant. Have a nice day."
"Hey! That's not fair!"
"Jared, unless you are a seahorse, then there is no way you are pregnant. It is scientifically and medically impossible." Jensen scoots over to his desk and pulls out a handful of condoms on lollipop sticks. "Here you go, they come in different flavors too. A gift from our friends at Planned Parenthood."
Jared pouts. "I knew Dr. Rosenbaum was lying. You weren't really going to be objective about it. You already judged me before you walked in the door. You all think I'm nuts."
And he's sitting there, hunched over, pouting, and looking like a kicked puppy. A kicked puppy wearing a paper-thin gown that's open in the front and showing off his rock-hard nipples, every shiver of his abdomen and maybe a little bit of his genitalia when he's relaxing those big, thick, thighs.
Jensen decides he really, really has to get Mike back for this one. Big time.
**
"You owe me for this. You owe me so much for this," Katie says as they turn down the hall.
"I know, I know and I promise I'll pay you back somehow," Jensen whispers.
"Do you know how many nights off I can manage to get myself, Jensen? My lunkhead boyfriend actually agreed to go see Penelope with me tonight and if I miss the 7 o'clock showing, I'll make you eat your stethoscope, I swear to GOD." Katie huffs and throws open the door to the tiny room where they do ultrasounds. Jared's waiting there flipping through a Parenting magazine while he sits on the reclining bed.
"Remember how I said I was done laughing about this?" Katie says through a clenched jaw.
"Go, I'll cover," Jensen mumbles, and Katie walks back out into the hall, high-pitched cackling coming from it.
"It's just-" Jensen tries to explain, but Jared holds up a hand.
"It's fine, really." Jared smiles at him. "Thank you for doing this."
Jensen forces a grin. God, it's really gonna disappoint Jared when they don't find anything. Jensen can picture Jared upset, and Jensen wrapping his arms around him for comfort, rubbing circles into his back, squeezing his shoulder tight.
Katie comes back in the room, and Jensen shakes off his daydream, mentally chastising himself again. She wipes the corners of her eyes, and sits down to warm up the machine before introducing herself to Jared. "Hi, I'm Nurse Cassidy. Now, Dr. Ackles tells me that based upon the date of," she takes a heavy breath, "um, conception, you ought to be-to-to-"
"Two months along." Jensen finishes.
"Yes! Which means if you are uhh, y'know," Katie gestures vaguely with her hand, "we should be able to see something." Katie nods to herself and takes out the lubricating gel. "I'll need you to, uh..."
Jared nods, "Right, right." He starts to adjust his hospital gown, and pulls down the sheet covering his lower half. At least there's that for modesty.
"I can leave the room if you'd rather?" Jensen offers out of habit. Sometimes his female patients can get shy around him during these procedures.
"No! Don't!" Jared snaps his head up as Katie starts squirting gel on his lower abdomen. And then Jared puts his hands on his mouth as he laughs.
"Yeah, it tickles, sorry." Katie smiles. It's such a lie. Jensen knows she actually loves it when people laugh and squirm like little kids. It helps break the tension sometimes, she explains.
"It's okay," Jared says moving his hands up to his forehead and his eyes, looking like he's just dying of embarrassment. Jensen feels sorry for the kid, and goes to pat his shoulder.
"Hey, it's okay."
Jared looks at him through his fingers. "No, I'm a gigantic freak."
"No, you're not." Well, you're not a freak, really. Jensen thinks to himself. Jared is gigantic. He's got big hands, and feet, and legs, and chest, and shoulders, and Jensen stops that train of thought right there, before he gets himself in real trouble. Wanting to cuddle a patient is one thing, fantasizing about the proportional sizes of their sex organs is taking it way too far. So Jensen just bites his lip, hard.
"I'm crazy, right? This is all going to just prove that I'm this crazy freak who believes in a crazy curse and you can totally go ahead and laugh at me, I don't mind."
Katie's got the ultrasound wand on him now, the machine making that familiar beeping and whooshing noise.
Jensen pulls up a chair right next to Jared. "If there's anything Dr. Rosenbaum's taught me, it's that the mind is a powerful, powerful thing. We can't control what it will do to us, what kinds of tricks it can play. But the mind can heal itself, Jared."
"So you don't think I belong in some padded cell somewhere?"
Jensen squeezes his shoulder. "Definitely not. You just-"
Katie interrupts, "Oh my God." She stops moving her hand and steadies the wand over Jared's abdomen. "Oh my God! Jen-Dr. Ackles! What is that?"
Jensen looks at the screen and stands up quickly, dropping the chair out from under him as he scrambles towards the monitor. "Holy..."
"Oh my God. Oh my God!" Katie scrambles. "Dr. Ahhh!" Katie is fumbling with her words; she's so excited. "Whatever your name is-Jensen! Hold this!" Jensen takes the wand and holds it steady.
"Jensen?" Jared asks carefully. Jensen turns to face him, he's this smarmy look on his face.
"Yes, uh, Jared. It's my name."
"That's a cool name," Jared says.
Jensen nods, mumbling a thank you. But his eyes are glued to the monitor in front of them, the cluster of what looks almost too much like-
"Is everything okay?" Jared asks.
"Uhhhhh." Jensen blanks. Katie's got her equipment out, taping nodes and monitors to Jared's stomach. She flips more switches and Jared's vitals go up on the screen, as well as the vitals of, whatever it is they're seeing on the screen.
"Oh my God, it is! Jensen! It's, it's!" Katie gestures wildly, grabbing at his scrubs.
"You're a goddamn seahorse," Jensen says to Jared.
**
Perinatology