understand we'll go hand in hand but we'll walk alone in fear
I'm in love. All over again. A torch I've carried since middle school, a flame that excites me and thrills me and gives me goosebumps. I feel like I'm put together perfectly every time, like I was incomplete for the series of moments I went without.
Now that I've got your attention, I'll tell you what I'm in love with - the "Buffy" musical.
(No, seriously.)
I remember in high school being such a passionate "Buffy" fan. Like "Alias" it was a constant in my life. I had lots of episodes on tape. I followed the fan magazines valiantly, especially in the year when it switched from The WB (remember The WB?) to UPN (remember UPN?). I knew then there was something special about Joss and his worlds, and though I could in no way express these thoughts, something brought me back to "Buffy" again and again.
I had the three gigantic volumes of episode commentaries and cast member biographies and quotes and trivia references, tons of the little "fanfic"-y novels, and anything else I could get my hands on. I quoted it like a maniac, even though no one had the slightest idea what I was talking about. I spent countless hours outside making up stories in which an ordinary girl teams up with the Scooby Gang and helps them banish some evil. (I now know that such an ordinary girl would be referred to as a "Mary Sue", but at that point Mary Sues didn't even exist.)
No matter how many times I got up at 6 am on the weekends to watch episodes on FX, no matter how many times I read the "Buffy" reference volumes in clothing stores (no, seriously; anything to get out of shopping), even these light-years and miles away from where I was when I first became a fan, there's one episode I always come back to.
"Once More With Feeling." (aka the "Buffy" musical)
I still remember every single fact I read in a critique in "Entertainment Weekly." Like, Joss taught himself to play the piano so he could write these songs. And like, Alyson Hannigan was embarrassed about being a bad singer, so they tried to give most of the singing to the other cast members. (For instance, the Willow-Tara love number is sung by Tara instead of Willow.) I remember that Michelle Trachtenberg, who played Dawn, was actually a dancer, so that's why she got a dance number. I even remember what the author of the article said was his least favorite part - Willow's lyric "I think this line's mostly filler" in "Walk Through the Fire." He thought it was silly and pedantic. (Was he ever in poetry? Seriously.)
Now, you may be saying to yourself, isn't an Aspie's memory a great thing? It's been at least seven years, three psych hospitalizations, countless med changes, and other various upheavals later, but I can still remember these little factoids. Yes, but I attribute this more to the fact that I adored "Buffy", just as I continue to adore Joss and his worlds. And I loved music. I loved singing songs from "So Weird," one of my first obsessions. Soundtracks were like gold to me.
So, for all you mathematicians out there:
Buffy + love of Whedon + music = one happy me
I still get goosebumps everytime Anthony Stewart Head sings out "Tell me!" in "Where Do We Go From Here?" I considered doing "I've Got a Theory / Bunnies / Nothing We Can't Face" for my sign language final last year. And my soundtrack? The very first music I ever downloaded possibly illegally off the Internet. (This was before iTunes, boys and girls, a dark period in human existence.)
What I liked about "Buffy" was that while she was a superhero, she had ordinary friends. And sure, Willow was a genius who turned out to be a super-witch in the end (sorry, spoiler), and Spike was a vampire and so was Angel, and Harmony, and Anya was a demon, and Faith was another Slayer, but Giles? A librarian. And Cordelia? A total "bitca." And Xander? Pretty much just a normal guy. And Dawn, Buffy's sister? Well, okay, that's one where things get a little weird, but go with me here - she was a normal teenage girl. And the message that superheroes need normal friends was heartening to someone like me, who needed friend, normal or otherwise.
And I guess if you have to boil it down to just one thing (although why do you have to?), that's what I like best about Whedon. He takes people who are maybe just a bit too smart, a bit too closed off, a bit too "special" for the rest of the world to understand, and he gives them a voice. It's why I fell so deeply in love with River (in a non-platonic way, obviously). It's why I love Olive in "Little Miss Sunshine" and Ivy in "The Village" and Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter series and Temperance Brennan from "Bones." They are outsiders, smart girls who are maybe just a little too smart, who stand outside the norm.
The other thing that mattered to me was that Whedon believed that ordinary people could change the world. Ordinary people who laugh and cry and bleed and suffer and triumph are the ones who change the world. Slayers might have superhero-ish powers but they're human like the rest of us.
And, apparently, they sing like the rest of us too.
So I'll raise my metaphorical glass tonight to Joss Whedon as I fall in love all over again, drifting off to sleep with his lyrics in my ears. Thanks, Joss... you made an outsider feel like she had somewhere to belong, even if that place is in her room, belting out the lyrics to "I'll Never Tell," dancing in her pajamas. But to be fair, you make it pretty easily to fall head-over-heels in love. I hope that someday I get to tell you exactly how you've changed my life, but since that day isn't coming any time soon, this journal entry and others like it will have to suffice.
To Whedon - for making the real world a little more bearable for (Browncoats, Spuffy gals, Fred/Wesley shippers, Willow/Tara lovers, I-Do-Not-Have-Puppet-Cancer fans, quote mavens, Dolls, Glory haters, Bad Girls, Companions, Snoopy dancers, Glau fanatics, fanfic writers, Potentials, wannabe ballerinas, stargazers, Fangirls4Fillion, and just plain fangirls) the rest of us.
Now that I've got your attention, I'll tell you what I'm in love with - the "Buffy" musical.
(No, seriously.)
I remember in high school being such a passionate "Buffy" fan. Like "Alias" it was a constant in my life. I had lots of episodes on tape. I followed the fan magazines valiantly, especially in the year when it switched from The WB (remember The WB?) to UPN (remember UPN?). I knew then there was something special about Joss and his worlds, and though I could in no way express these thoughts, something brought me back to "Buffy" again and again.
I had the three gigantic volumes of episode commentaries and cast member biographies and quotes and trivia references, tons of the little "fanfic"-y novels, and anything else I could get my hands on. I quoted it like a maniac, even though no one had the slightest idea what I was talking about. I spent countless hours outside making up stories in which an ordinary girl teams up with the Scooby Gang and helps them banish some evil. (I now know that such an ordinary girl would be referred to as a "Mary Sue", but at that point Mary Sues didn't even exist.)
No matter how many times I got up at 6 am on the weekends to watch episodes on FX, no matter how many times I read the "Buffy" reference volumes in clothing stores (no, seriously; anything to get out of shopping), even these light-years and miles away from where I was when I first became a fan, there's one episode I always come back to.
"Once More With Feeling." (aka the "Buffy" musical)
I still remember every single fact I read in a critique in "Entertainment Weekly." Like, Joss taught himself to play the piano so he could write these songs. And like, Alyson Hannigan was embarrassed about being a bad singer, so they tried to give most of the singing to the other cast members. (For instance, the Willow-Tara love number is sung by Tara instead of Willow.) I remember that Michelle Trachtenberg, who played Dawn, was actually a dancer, so that's why she got a dance number. I even remember what the author of the article said was his least favorite part - Willow's lyric "I think this line's mostly filler" in "Walk Through the Fire." He thought it was silly and pedantic. (Was he ever in poetry? Seriously.)
Now, you may be saying to yourself, isn't an Aspie's memory a great thing? It's been at least seven years, three psych hospitalizations, countless med changes, and other various upheavals later, but I can still remember these little factoids. Yes, but I attribute this more to the fact that I adored "Buffy", just as I continue to adore Joss and his worlds. And I loved music. I loved singing songs from "So Weird," one of my first obsessions. Soundtracks were like gold to me.
So, for all you mathematicians out there:
Buffy + love of Whedon + music = one happy me
I still get goosebumps everytime Anthony Stewart Head sings out "Tell me!" in "Where Do We Go From Here?" I considered doing "I've Got a Theory / Bunnies / Nothing We Can't Face" for my sign language final last year. And my soundtrack? The very first music I ever downloaded possibly illegally off the Internet. (This was before iTunes, boys and girls, a dark period in human existence.)
What I liked about "Buffy" was that while she was a superhero, she had ordinary friends. And sure, Willow was a genius who turned out to be a super-witch in the end (sorry, spoiler), and Spike was a vampire and so was Angel, and Harmony, and Anya was a demon, and Faith was another Slayer, but Giles? A librarian. And Cordelia? A total "bitca." And Xander? Pretty much just a normal guy. And Dawn, Buffy's sister? Well, okay, that's one where things get a little weird, but go with me here - she was a normal teenage girl. And the message that superheroes need normal friends was heartening to someone like me, who needed friend, normal or otherwise.
And I guess if you have to boil it down to just one thing (although why do you have to?), that's what I like best about Whedon. He takes people who are maybe just a bit too smart, a bit too closed off, a bit too "special" for the rest of the world to understand, and he gives them a voice. It's why I fell so deeply in love with River (in a non-platonic way, obviously). It's why I love Olive in "Little Miss Sunshine" and Ivy in "The Village" and Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter series and Temperance Brennan from "Bones." They are outsiders, smart girls who are maybe just a little too smart, who stand outside the norm.
The other thing that mattered to me was that Whedon believed that ordinary people could change the world. Ordinary people who laugh and cry and bleed and suffer and triumph are the ones who change the world. Slayers might have superhero-ish powers but they're human like the rest of us.
And, apparently, they sing like the rest of us too.
So I'll raise my metaphorical glass tonight to Joss Whedon as I fall in love all over again, drifting off to sleep with his lyrics in my ears. Thanks, Joss... you made an outsider feel like she had somewhere to belong, even if that place is in her room, belting out the lyrics to "I'll Never Tell," dancing in her pajamas. But to be fair, you make it pretty easily to fall head-over-heels in love. I hope that someday I get to tell you exactly how you've changed my life, but since that day isn't coming any time soon, this journal entry and others like it will have to suffice.
To Whedon - for making the real world a little more bearable for (Browncoats, Spuffy gals, Fred/Wesley shippers, Willow/Tara lovers, I-Do-Not-Have-Puppet-Cancer fans, quote mavens, Dolls, Glory haters, Bad Girls, Companions, Snoopy dancers, Glau fanatics, fanfic writers, Potentials, wannabe ballerinas, stargazers, Fangirls4Fillion, and just plain fangirls) the rest of us.