if you're looking for thrills / then get coffee!
do we laugh about these things
'cause we know they'll never happen?
do we plan for these things
'cause we know they're impossible?
There's so much I want to say that sometimes I wish I had one single word that expressed everything I feel and think and need to get out. Unfortunately, that word would probably be something like "GAHHHUGHHHH!", which is the noise I make when things on TV get me riled up and I forget English. (Please see "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" season finale for more information.)
So I guess I'll start at the beginning, until my headache swallows me up and I have to go to bed.
Today I got my invitation to Kate-sham's wedding in the mail. I cannot go to this wedding, and it is a fact that pokes me in the eye with frustration. There are several reasons for this. First, my job, my new job, my job where Gordy is my boss, ends that day. The day of the wedding. And the wedding is in Washington. Second, I would have to buy a plane ticket to Washington with the money I'm going to make this summer. And the two things are irreconcilable. As awesome as I am, I cannot transcend laws of time and space. And employment.
I find myself thinking about school more and more. I am not getting into that tonight, because if I do I'll be awake for hours, and I am that kind of tired where I have no idea what I'm watching on TV, but just know it's been on my mind a lot lately.
I am starting to get a little nervous about my new job. I leave Tuesday morning for a week of orientation. It's not the job that I'm worried about, because I figure that the work will be similar to the things I've done before, but I am worried about going to new places and meeting new people. The work doesn't frighten me, but the moving and the newness and the entire transition is now on my horizon, tickling the edge of my consciousness, and while I haven't given into it yet, I'm aware that it's coming.
Tonight when I was driving home from game I thought of Julia for some reason, and the missing-her swept over me until I felt like I was drowning in it. It's been almost a year since I've seen her and for some reason that feels so funny. I keep telling myself I'll play some songs on the piano and record them and send them to her but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Last year at this time I was preparing my case to take to her IEP meetings, and preparing to go to camp at the end of the summer with her. And tonight I thought about Wassailing Weekend of last year, when we went to the nursing home to sing, and how I love to watch her face light up. I remember going down the aisle in Meijer that was full of light-up, moving toys and turning them all on so she could get swept up in the noise. I remember sitting on the edge of her bed at the end of nap-time, stroking her back and reveling in her warmth, singing "Jingle Bells" and the "Firefly" theme song to wake her up. I remember watching her sleepy face move into a smile, and then she brought her hand up and tapped along on the bed. I remember that in that moment I felt like I had never loved anyone quite as much as I loved her at that very moment. And then I remember being at camp with her on the first day of art camp last summer, and we were sitting at Center Island and I was singing every song I could think of, even songs I didn't know all the words to, belting them out like there was no tomorrow, because there really wasn't. I remember putting my forehead to hers, and feeling her hand tap the back of my neck, and feeling her smile into my hair, and feeling her give me a big sloppy kiss on my forehead, and hearing her hum into my ear.
And all I want is one more day like that, one more set of moments just like those, to prove to me that anything I have to go through will be worth it.
'cause we know they'll never happen?
do we plan for these things
'cause we know they're impossible?
There's so much I want to say that sometimes I wish I had one single word that expressed everything I feel and think and need to get out. Unfortunately, that word would probably be something like "GAHHHUGHHHH!", which is the noise I make when things on TV get me riled up and I forget English. (Please see "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles" season finale for more information.)
So I guess I'll start at the beginning, until my headache swallows me up and I have to go to bed.
Today I got my invitation to Kate-sham's wedding in the mail. I cannot go to this wedding, and it is a fact that pokes me in the eye with frustration. There are several reasons for this. First, my job, my new job, my job where Gordy is my boss, ends that day. The day of the wedding. And the wedding is in Washington. Second, I would have to buy a plane ticket to Washington with the money I'm going to make this summer. And the two things are irreconcilable. As awesome as I am, I cannot transcend laws of time and space. And employment.
I find myself thinking about school more and more. I am not getting into that tonight, because if I do I'll be awake for hours, and I am that kind of tired where I have no idea what I'm watching on TV, but just know it's been on my mind a lot lately.
I am starting to get a little nervous about my new job. I leave Tuesday morning for a week of orientation. It's not the job that I'm worried about, because I figure that the work will be similar to the things I've done before, but I am worried about going to new places and meeting new people. The work doesn't frighten me, but the moving and the newness and the entire transition is now on my horizon, tickling the edge of my consciousness, and while I haven't given into it yet, I'm aware that it's coming.
Tonight when I was driving home from game I thought of Julia for some reason, and the missing-her swept over me until I felt like I was drowning in it. It's been almost a year since I've seen her and for some reason that feels so funny. I keep telling myself I'll play some songs on the piano and record them and send them to her but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Last year at this time I was preparing my case to take to her IEP meetings, and preparing to go to camp at the end of the summer with her. And tonight I thought about Wassailing Weekend of last year, when we went to the nursing home to sing, and how I love to watch her face light up. I remember going down the aisle in Meijer that was full of light-up, moving toys and turning them all on so she could get swept up in the noise. I remember sitting on the edge of her bed at the end of nap-time, stroking her back and reveling in her warmth, singing "Jingle Bells" and the "Firefly" theme song to wake her up. I remember watching her sleepy face move into a smile, and then she brought her hand up and tapped along on the bed. I remember that in that moment I felt like I had never loved anyone quite as much as I loved her at that very moment. And then I remember being at camp with her on the first day of art camp last summer, and we were sitting at Center Island and I was singing every song I could think of, even songs I didn't know all the words to, belting them out like there was no tomorrow, because there really wasn't. I remember putting my forehead to hers, and feeling her hand tap the back of my neck, and feeling her smile into my hair, and feeling her give me a big sloppy kiss on my forehead, and hearing her hum into my ear.
And all I want is one more day like that, one more set of moments just like those, to prove to me that anything I have to go through will be worth it.