Wow, been a long time.
I doubt anyone I know really reads this anymore. Thats probably a good thing.
I just feel right now that I need to write some things down, and facebook is way too public for this.
I feel like I'm just getting right to the heart of why Marvel!Loki triggers so many intense Feels with me.
I honestly couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something more than just the connection to Actual Loki, something about his character that seemed to be right under my skin.
He's grown up trying to fit into this role that he wasn't born for, not knowing why he was so different from those around him. Feeling disconnected, empty and unworthy. Then he finds out that he isn't what he thought he was, that his entire existence was a lie.
Disgust and disgrace at whats lurking under his skin, at the true nature of where he comes from. What he is.
I'm not articulating this very well.. My thoughts are jumbled and fractured as usual. But his story reminds me of what it felt like to live with my body before I transitioned, and the darker moments that I still go through. Feeling empty, putting barriers between my mind and the rest of the world, hating the wretched thing that I knew I was despite how many layers of man-coloured wallpaper I plastered my cracks over with.
I talk as though it's all about gender, though, but I feel like it goes even deeper. Into something sick and disgusting thats clinging onto my soul. The part of me thats always hated myself without needing a reason to. Conjuring reasons almost as an excuse.
He turned his hatred outward, before it could consume him. I've never had that much self-preservation.
I honestly don't know whats brought this mood on in me, tonight. The piece of fanfiction I read does seem to have been a catalyst, of sorts. But I could feel this building. Whether it really is my T cycle that kicks off this depression, or if I bring it on myself, I don't know.
I just hope it stops soon. I don't know if I can go through another one like last time.
I just feel right now that I need to write some things down, and facebook is way too public for this.
I feel like I'm just getting right to the heart of why Marvel!Loki triggers so many intense Feels with me.
I honestly couldn't put my finger on it, but there was something more than just the connection to Actual Loki, something about his character that seemed to be right under my skin.
He's grown up trying to fit into this role that he wasn't born for, not knowing why he was so different from those around him. Feeling disconnected, empty and unworthy. Then he finds out that he isn't what he thought he was, that his entire existence was a lie.
Disgust and disgrace at whats lurking under his skin, at the true nature of where he comes from. What he is.
I'm not articulating this very well.. My thoughts are jumbled and fractured as usual. But his story reminds me of what it felt like to live with my body before I transitioned, and the darker moments that I still go through. Feeling empty, putting barriers between my mind and the rest of the world, hating the wretched thing that I knew I was despite how many layers of man-coloured wallpaper I plastered my cracks over with.
I talk as though it's all about gender, though, but I feel like it goes even deeper. Into something sick and disgusting thats clinging onto my soul. The part of me thats always hated myself without needing a reason to. Conjuring reasons almost as an excuse.
He turned his hatred outward, before it could consume him. I've never had that much self-preservation.
I honestly don't know whats brought this mood on in me, tonight. The piece of fanfiction I read does seem to have been a catalyst, of sorts. But I could feel this building. Whether it really is my T cycle that kicks off this depression, or if I bring it on myself, I don't know.
I just hope it stops soon. I don't know if I can go through another one like last time.