So........
It must be mentioned that AOL is being shitty again, I haven't abandoned you lot, I promise.
Secondly, I've heard from a friend that my ex is back on the site that we used to socialise on.
Yes, the ex who was the first and only person I ever truly loved. Yes, the ex who tried to kill himself, then left without a trace or note two days before our six month anniversary last summer. The ex who broke me, who I'd convinced myself was dead, who I've been quietly grieving for for the past nine months.
Only this morning I woke up and thought to myself, hey, maybe I'm almost ready to move on.
Now he's suddenly shown up again, so I've heard.
I've been sitting here for the past hour or so, maybe more... trying to figure out how I feel about this. Whether I even want to speak to him.
My mind is a mess of contradictions.
The person he knew and said he loved... that person died a long time ago, when he left. I doubt he would even recognise me anymore.
If I speak to him I don't know what I'll do.
The warring impulses in me are driving me insane. I can't decide if I want to smash his pretty face in and make him pay for what he did to me, or wrap him in my arms and never fucking let him go again.
I don't WANT him back... I don't want to speak to him, I never fucking want to see those sugared lies on my screen ever again... but god, there hasn't been a single day go by in the past nine fucking months where I haven't remembered him, seen his face in my mind and just...wanted to know that he's OK.
Every second I spend with his image in my brain saps the strength right out of me. I can feel myself growing weaker just thinking of him.. wanting to give in to all the old insecurities.... catching myself just thinking how nice it would be to just be in his arms again and let him lie to me, make all the bad things go away.
Fuck... whats wrong with me? I don't want this. Where did these tears come from?
Get this fucking pain OUT OF ME. Let me go, you bastard! Why won't you just fucking let me go? Just when I think I'm over you, you pull a fucking stunt like this?
I am not that weak little bitch anymore. That person is dead. And the man that grew in their place is ten times stronger.
You will not break me again, you hear me, Ashis?
I miss you... so fucking much.
I would have done anything for you. And you abandoned me without even a fucking goodbye.
You were the kindest, sweetest, most loving person I have even known... my goddess.
But I cannot trust anyone again. Even if I wanted it... I'm not physically capable of feeling that anymore.
And I'm glad.
Thankyou for freeing me.
Secondly, I've heard from a friend that my ex is back on the site that we used to socialise on.
Yes, the ex who was the first and only person I ever truly loved. Yes, the ex who tried to kill himself, then left without a trace or note two days before our six month anniversary last summer. The ex who broke me, who I'd convinced myself was dead, who I've been quietly grieving for for the past nine months.
Only this morning I woke up and thought to myself, hey, maybe I'm almost ready to move on.
Now he's suddenly shown up again, so I've heard.
I've been sitting here for the past hour or so, maybe more... trying to figure out how I feel about this. Whether I even want to speak to him.
My mind is a mess of contradictions.
The person he knew and said he loved... that person died a long time ago, when he left. I doubt he would even recognise me anymore.
If I speak to him I don't know what I'll do.
The warring impulses in me are driving me insane. I can't decide if I want to smash his pretty face in and make him pay for what he did to me, or wrap him in my arms and never fucking let him go again.
I don't WANT him back... I don't want to speak to him, I never fucking want to see those sugared lies on my screen ever again... but god, there hasn't been a single day go by in the past nine fucking months where I haven't remembered him, seen his face in my mind and just...wanted to know that he's OK.
Every second I spend with his image in my brain saps the strength right out of me. I can feel myself growing weaker just thinking of him.. wanting to give in to all the old insecurities.... catching myself just thinking how nice it would be to just be in his arms again and let him lie to me, make all the bad things go away.
Fuck... whats wrong with me? I don't want this. Where did these tears come from?
Get this fucking pain OUT OF ME. Let me go, you bastard! Why won't you just fucking let me go? Just when I think I'm over you, you pull a fucking stunt like this?
I am not that weak little bitch anymore. That person is dead. And the man that grew in their place is ten times stronger.
You will not break me again, you hear me, Ashis?
I miss you... so fucking much.
I would have done anything for you. And you abandoned me without even a fucking goodbye.
You were the kindest, sweetest, most loving person I have even known... my goddess.
But I cannot trust anyone again. Even if I wanted it... I'm not physically capable of feeling that anymore.
And I'm glad.
Thankyou for freeing me.