ranting...whoa there..ok i think thats enough

[memorydive]

the worst feeling in the world
is supressing feelings

keeping them to yourself
but really honestly truely
there are now things about myself that i dont want to tell people

wow
id never think that about myself
im pretty much an all around
i can tell anyone anything
person

i'm moody lately
in one instance
my step dad will say something to me
in a tone that clearly makes him sound like an asshole
and i close the door
and it takes everything in me not to burst into tears
i dont know why
but anything he says can just push me over the edge when hes not faking a nice friendly conversation

and then in another instance im running on a tread mill
sweating
and i get off of it and feel great
take a shower
and its only when i put on clothes
that i hate my horrible discusting body.

and then there are of course
good instances
where people randomly call me and ask me to hang out
which makes me happy beyond belief
cause it means that someone wanted to do something fun
and thought of me...
i dont know i guess its just good to know someone cares
and little things like that express it

and then there are times when
i am calling eight million people and no one is responding
and i think
hm
this is just like high school...

i hate organizing anything
and i think its because of this
that this sememster i just wont see anyone anymore

which brings me back to all the other feelings
i have to sit with
and supress
and it brings me back to me feeling
finally ok with the whole situation
and then i realize that my twister board is at his house.

ok
so what?
you lost a twister board...

but no
then my fucking dreams have to remind me-
they not only bring me back to his house
but they bring me back to him
and honestly
i know i was all like
oh ok
i can be friends with him
but i think if i ever saw him in the street
i would have to resist the urge to punch him in the face

how
can you go through so much
with a person
and then have them
want to basically pretend that it never happened
by basically
not wanting to see you
again
or basically
removing themselves from your life?

...basssicalty.....

i dont understand people.

and the more i think about him
the more i am so angry at him
and so angry at myself

and i wish
i could have him erased from me
like in eternal sunshine
because
there is no part of me that wants to be with him
but just thinking about him hurts me

i just feel so
used
even though thats not the word for what we had
but i feel used up
and useless...empty even...
or more like i'm hollow.
theres nothing left in me.
and this is scaring me
because i havent felt that way for a long time
and i remember what it was like
and i really
really
do not want to go back to feeling completely bad about myself
because then i will go no where in life
and besides not knowing where i want to go in life
having no confidence to do so....
its just going to destroy me.

supress superss supress

and then there are everyday feelings
that seem so everyday
but when i start thinking about them
more it becomes
not just a feeling here or there
but i think its something deeper
and i really cant do this to myself
i really cant start to like anyone
not now
especially not the person that i'm starting to.
and dont even ask
cause i wont even tell

see what i mean?!!

thats not even me!
where have i gone?'

and why is everything moved over in my live journal!!
i cant read anything :(

so im going to boston tonight
to party with my brother
and honestly
i dont even feel like doing that

everything i feel like doing
i just cant do
cause life
is just not like that.

i need a moment or two
a really honest moment
something that i know is real.

wow...

im such a fucking hippy

suck it up kristen.
maybe i'm the one who just needs to be real.

yeah..

.