My sisters

[memorycatcher]

I'm such a screw up. Two days this week my sister Jess has been reeming me about how I screw everything up. And she is so right. I screwed it up with my other sister. I screwed it up with everyone. Some days I wonder why anyone ever talks to me anymore. I can barely look at myself. I'm so tired. I've been trying really hard to be a better

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[memorycatcher]

I really love my sister. She is literally my entire family. I have spent every day trying to make sure she is safe and loved. In a lot of ways she is like my own child. I raised her. But it hurts me and angers me that she would ask something so selfish of me. I wish I could just forget what they did. I wish I could sit there and be comfortable. I can't. I don't know if I ever will. I finally did though have a good christmas with them and my sister ran off and told them what she thinks I'm feeling. I know she was trying to help but now I'm back to square one with my grandparents. But I think I would die if my sister and weren't really close. She is such a part of my heart.

I want her to have a relationship with my grandparents, I honestly do. I can't. She said "Why can't you accept them for who they are?" I said, "I do accept them for who they are and that is why I can't have a relationship with them." We are just so different and she can't seem to accept who I am.

And I have a hard fast rule about forgiveness. Forgiveness is mine to give and never before it is asked for. If you give forgiveness before someone asked, it is submission, and that isn't ok with me.

I do feel like what she says has merit because she has a family and i have only her. I wish I could be like her and forget it all. I wish I had more room to be hurt again. I don't. I'll never ever be happy go lucky or cheerful. That isn't who I am. I'm very serious. She sees that as sullen.

She spent so much time telling me how unhappy I am. I finally feel like I can have a life with out pain. I feel like I am worth loving even if I'm broken. I found love in someone who accepts me fully. Writing is finally taking off. My relationship with Ludwig's family is finally working. I feel hopeful. She thinks I'm sad? I'm unhappy? I haven't been so happy in a really long time. And her way to make me happy is to spend three days yelling at me? I just don't get it. I wish I could make her happy, but I can't. That hurts my heart too.

Anyways. Thank you for, like always, saying something that makes me feel so much better. I'm so lucky to have you reading my blog. I'm sorry I haven't been commenting too much lately. I'll do better soon.