(copy from journal - pointless complaining about how much life sucks)

[memoryanddream]

This and That
I keep thinking of little blurbs of things to post but they're (A) not enough to do on their own or (B) things I think about at times that I'm not ready or able to post. I'm going to try to remember some though now and update.

• Sewing Machine So I've managed to get some non-loopy stitches out of my machine last night. Not sure which was the problem, though it might have been the bobbin not being loaded into the tension thingy right. Not sure though because I tried so many different things that were suggested to me, I'm not sure which one worked.
  
  
• Retail Me Not When you're 16, it's really easy to get a simple, part-time retail job. When you're 31? Not so much. Today, I followed back up with Target ("I'll look up your app from like three months ago and call you if interested but since you're not willing to work 24/7, we probably won't call you."), checked back in with Michaels' ("We're, like, not hiring right now at all.", filled out yet ANOTHER useless computerized application at the supermarket despite NOT wanting to work there at all ("I don't think we're hiring, but hey, you can fill out the useless thing that takes like 30 minutes and asks stupid questions and doesn't offer you a chair right next to the door and if we're interested, we'll call you in a week") and even stopped in a new massage place next to the supermarket and asked if they needed part-time clerical help. ("We just hired two people but email us your resume." At least they were professional. It was weird not being treated like scum like when applying for retail. I mean, you don't even see anyone, you just sit at the pc and answer idiotic multiple choice questions and wait to see if they call you. No, I'm sorry. I'm NOT willing to work every single night and weekend for $6.50/hr. I may need the money, but I'm also a real person with a real life and I need that too.
  
  
• Sure, The Economy Is Great! Money sucks. Or rather, lack of money sucks. I need cash like, a week ago and none is coming for another week and a half. At this point, Love literally doesn't have enough gas to get home from work tomorrow. And we've got about a total of $5 to our name. Not sure how this is going to work out. And I do mean literally don't know.
  
  
• My Poor Mother In other happy-joy news, looks like Mom broke her wrist today. We were supposed to get together tomorrow, but instead she called to tell me that thrilling news. Her dog, Kylie, is a sweetheart. But she's also really hyper sometimes and knocked Mom down once before when she came running back to Mom at too high a velocity. Guess what happened today? Yup, she came charging back, all excited and happy....and knocked Mom down. Huge bruise apparently on her leg, hurt her knee, and broke her wrist when she fell. She had x-rays and it's in a temp cast, and she'll know for sure when the radiologist confirms the break. How shitty is that?
  
  
• Boob Tube Summer tv sucks. It's like, we just got our shows back after the strike....and then the season's over. Now there's nothing to watch, so we've been going through the Angel: The Complete Series dvds I got for my birthday. (We're already on disk five. Of 30 though, so plenty more to go.) I'm glad we have them to watch, but still. Man does tv suck right now. We can't even afford to re-join Netflix or Blockbuster right now. I even have a month free trial that a friend sent me but I don't have enough on the PayPal card for the authorization. (Even though it's free, they check to make sure you have $20 in funds which I don't.)
  
  
• Orders - Or Lack Thereof I love people's enthusiasm and appreciation of my jewelry but when you literally don't have three dollars to your name to buy dinner, it's hard to feel good about the "Oh, your work is great!" comments if they're not followed up with orders. I know that sounds cold, but I'm just so frustrated right now about finances and it's so hard when you're just not getting a lot of sales. Especially when you really, really need them.
  
  
• Fatigue All Time Highs I've been so tired lately. I don't mean like sleepy or drowsy, I mean like, if I sit down for ten minutes, it's almost impossible for me to stay awake. And, I fight for an hour or two just to get out of bed. Lately? I've been waking up around 10am which is when I should get up if I went to bed around 2-2:30am, but...I literally can't fight my way out of sleep and the next thing I know, it's 11:30am. Gods, I'm sleeping until almost noon every single day now. And yesterday, I had to lay back down for another hour after I took a shower and today, I uncontrollably fell asleep for a half an hour just sitting on the couch this afternoon. What gives?? And my dreams are so vivid and exhausting, though I don't remember them when I wake up, they feel like I'm living days, weeks, months and more of time. I wake up sometimes unable to remember if something was real or a dream.
  
  
• Welcome to Florida The heatwave amuses me. Not in the funny ha-ha sort of way, but in the kinda ironic, but this is EVERY DAY for me sorta way. All my friends are talking about the heat and how it's in the 90's and how the humidity is high and all the health warnings and weather advisories and stuff and it's so weird to me. Because we've been in the 90's since mid-May. (We were at Disney on Saturday, May 10th and the actual high was 93F that day. Not including the humidity, the UV index, or the feels-like temp. Just the actual air temperature.) And we'll be here every single day until at least the beginning of October when, if we're extremely lucky, we'll go down to the mid-80's. We live at least six unbroken months of the year in this hellish heat. And yet, people are always dismissive of the impact and the seriousness of our summers. They always say things like, "yeah, but we get blizzards." They fail to realize the intensity of our summers are EXACTLY the same as the intensity of terrible winters. When other parts of the country have a taste of what most of our year is like normally, I can't help but say to myself, "See?? I wasn't kidding about the seriousness of it! Or how horrible it is!" You don't "get used to" the heat here, you just learn how to limit your exposure to it as much as possible. I just wish people would remember how miserable and dangerous and horrible these heat waves are the next time I hear shit about Florida summers being no big deal.
  
  
• Fuck Off With Father's Day Already I can't tell you how sick I am of getting sales emails for Father's Day.
  Get Dad a Nintendo DS for Father's Day!
  Take Dad out to lunch at Bennigan's with this special offer!
  Food & Family: Special Menu for Dad!
  Buy John Adam's on DVD - in time for Father's Day!
  
  Oh fuck off already! Jesus fucking christ, I don't want all this bullshit sales pitch. It's all such crap. They'll find any absurd excuse to send out something for a supposed "holiday" just to try to drum up sales. But I don't need fucking emails from Nintendo or Sephora trying to get me to buy some man-friendly item. Look, assholes, not everyone has a fucking dad and not everyone wants to be reminded of the day. Pushing your crap just annoys me and makes me LESS likely to buy shit from you in the future.
  

I better stop. I've gone into full rant mode. Did I mention how upset I am about the whole not-a-penny-to-my-name broke thing? Or the can't-get-a-fucking-$6.50-an-hour-job-to-save-my-life one? Yeah? Well, there you have it then. Deep blue funk, welcome back. Haven't seen you for awhile, but I know you're familiar with this place so make yourself at home again.

Anyway, stomach's killing me (as usual though it's been far worse than normal last couple days again making me question why I'm bothering to try to find a job anyway since even if the world ended and someone did hire me, I'd just fail at it again anyway because of my stomach) so I need to close. Not that anyone will have read this (nor do I blame them) nor cared that I'm upset/depressed again (because tell me something else that's new.) And I wonder why no one comments on my journal. Ha. It's happy entries like this I'm sure. Oh wait. I'm sure I'll get some comments. Like the trolls who always leave helpful things like, "get a job." Wow. Why didn't I think of that?

Bah. I'm working myself even deeper. I'll just shut up now, hit post and crawl back under the rock I belong under.