arashi fiction 17 - sho has always been a coward.
Title: Sooner or Later (Chapter Two)
Genres: Angst, Romance, Eventual Fluff
Ratings: PG
Who: Sho/Jun (Ohmiya - this chapter)
Summary: "The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished." -- George Bernard Shaw
Sakurai Sho only struggled when things were supposed to come easy to him. Writing his own rap section for several of Arashi's songs, earning a degree in economics from a top university, and now trying his hand at reading the news - all of those things felt natural, and that was truly a blessing. All of things he wanted to do, he could do, at least when it came to his career.
"Wake up."
It was a familiar voice. A voice that only served to remind him that he had no talent with feelings, no perfection in what mattered most.
Perhaps, if Arashi had been about success and rivalry and paying the bills, he'd be filled with personal worries. Instead he worries about everything and everyone else, about Aiba's health and Ohno's lunch, Nino's moods, and on one special occasion, Jun's hair. He can't help himself, really, because in spite of a few childhood acquaintances and friends of his family, somewhere deep down Sho knows that without them he'd be lonely. Without them he'd be someone totally different, and he doesn't want to know that person. He doesn't want them to even have the chance to consider leaving him behind, because he wants them to need him, even if he can't jump out of a plane without wanting to cry (and how many people in the world can?).
Sometimes he wants a bit more than that, but they've never, ever known.
He remembers when it started, back when he was a junior, a little more hotheaded and willing to show off. Meeting Ninomiya Kazunari, someone with the world in his eyes, younger but far more passionate. Sho was too young himself to really care about the deeper qualities of a fellow human being, and had never really noticed that Ninomiya didn't truly want to be there, but Sho understood with his entirety that with Nino... there was definitely a problem.
Nino had told a joke that made Sho laugh so hard that tea came out his nose, and that was when he knew. Aiba was amusing, Toma had his moments, and Matsumoto could bring out his smile now and then, but Nino was different, and Sho could sense that enough to decide that he would never say a word about it. Not to his parents, to the other juniors, to anyone. Because it was hard enough on his family that their eldest son wanted to dance and rap as a profession, and to Sakurai Sho, family was the most important thing.
"You think something's going on with those two?" he had asked Aiba shortly after their debut, sneaking glances at Nino and the oldest of their new group. Aiba hadn't said anything, but it hadn't really been needed. Sho could tell the difference between a first crush and a first love and had transferred his feelings to friendship within a month.
Looking back on it now, he thinks it might have been the only time he was ever confident in how to handle his personal life. From then on it was watching the adult channel and tossing magazines into his suitcase, moving forward with blinders on and never looking back. Falling in love, seemingly out of the blue, and fearing all it could mean. Keeping the youngest member at a distance because this couldn't happen for real.
It was probably his only secret, if he was honest with himself, and that was the reason for holding on that much tighter. As much as he loved Arashi, it was a bond that made everything "sooner or later", there wasn't any room for surprise. Things either happened sooner than expected, or later than was hoped, but never at random and never without attention. It was exactly the reason he should have been prepared for that inevitable moment, his mind telling him to tear them both down and bring them to reality, and his heart beating too quickly to allow it.
"We've held back as long as possible, but it just wasn't... I can't speak for both of us, but I really couldn't take it anymore," Nino announced, eyes shifting nervously from face to face as he spoke.
"I really love him," was all Ohno felt necessary to contribute, grabbing Nino's hand and holding it loosely in his own.
He barely registered the voices of the others, of Aiba's laughter and approval, of Jun's reluctance without real complaint. He wanted to tell them all immediately, of what he'd sacrificed, of what he'd made another sacrifice, in order to keep them going. How they couldn't happen, because they'd only prove he'd made a mistake, back when he'd had his chance and had pushed it aside out of fear.
"I need a moment," he told them instead, smile forced as he fled from the scene.
It wasn't about an old and forgotten crush. It wasn't about the work that they'd have to put into covering this up. He'd let go of those things, but far too late, and that was what made it unbearable.
Sho knew he was insanely jealous, and he couldn't tell a soul.
---
At first he simply thinks it's amazing that the youngest of them is now truly an adult. Jun had always been more mature than his age would suggest, an abundance of ideas for how the group should proceed and a natural ability to entertain. He'd stopped telling the world how much he respected Sho, and was focusing now on showing the world how much they should respect him. Sho finds it attractive, but he really hates that. No one should become that seductive just by doing his job.
That's why he thinks, sometime later, that it's really a huge relief that the boy has become a man. Maybe, just maybe, Sho can truly believe his affection to be unrequited now, no danger of possibilities, no sign of opportunities.
If all the things he daydreamed, if all the things he wanted, were somehow within reach? He wonders if he could resist, if he could stop himself from taking that risk. It's not fair to anyone, when Sho would still hide the truth. It's not fair to Arashi, who in crisis would gladly take the blame.
He doesn't realize that Jun has been waiting, is on a different track.
"Matsujun says he needs to ask you something," Aiba tells him, playfully attacking his face with a towel before he exits the rehearsal space. It doesn't even make his hands sweaty. Sho has learned by now that when Jun wants to talk, even when Sho has his suspicions (or hopes... or both), it's usually about concert plans. It's almost always an extension of work.
"I know what you're thinking, and I'm not giving you the okay. Ohno nearly stepped on one last time and none of us can afford to lose his leg," Sho states firmly as he throws the man a water bottle, laughing before he adds, "Ohno especially!"
It's the kind of thing that would normally make Jun smirk, but today it makes him smile, faintly and with hesitation, and Sho knows he shouldn't push further. If Jun wants serious discussion, Sho can try to give him that.
"You don't know what I'm thinking, but I give you points for trying. No one else would be comfortable with exploring my train of thought," Jun finally answers, slowly removing his baseball cap and running a hand through his hair.
Jun's always used humor to hide his doubt. Maybe it's why he thought comedy would be his strength. Sho really prefers when Jun isn't trying so hard.
"Then what can I help you with?"
"I have a confession to make," Jun replies, so straightforward that Sho doesn't suspect a thing.
"You do want to put more on stage?" Sho guesses, but only because he wants Jun to laugh. He wants Jun to laugh more than anything.
Jun only shakes his head.
Until he's suddenly right in front of Sho, reaching out to grab Sho's hands, and Sho knows that he's sweating again without any help from rehearsal. Maybe, if he wasn't so nervous that his eyes were the size of saucers, he could appreciate that he's so very close to getting everything he secretly wants. He feels the need to apologize before anything's been said. He's never once given Jun any indication... the risk Jun was taking by even...
"I have a confession to make to you," Jun repeats, voice strong though his eyes are on the floor. Sho still thinks he might be wrong. Sho still thinks that this might be wrong. His only reaction is to squeeze the man's hands, then gasp as Jun's lips touch his.
"I want to be with you, and I had to tell you now. It's been too long and I can't get anywhere without your help. I know I made it seem like... I was a fan or an idiot or... both or something, but really what I feel... right? I can understand why you might not be able to - "
"It's impossible, isn't it?" Sho hears himself saying, thinking of fame and fans and responsibility, though he's not exactly sure what he means.
But he knows what Jun thinks he means, and he's too ashamed of his weaker nature to bother correcting him at all. He wishes he'd confessed first, he needs to tell the man to wait for him, at least, but his mouth isn't moving and Jun has said enough. He knows his heart is breaking as Jun makes his apologies and hurries out the door, but in the moment he feels far more for Jun.
He's always felt so much more for Jun.
---
"I guess you don't want this. I could hand it over to Aiba. He's still behind, but I'm sure he'll get to this eventually," Jun teased as soon as Sho's eyes were open, laughing as Sho grabbed at his hand and managed to shake his head.
"I don't want to owe Aiba anything. I've still got a bunch of his DVDs," Sho whined, clutching at the manga and avoiding Jun's strong gaze.
It was a habit now, to look away. Years later and Sho was still afraid that Matsujun could see him. Not because he's hiding, but because he's already lost.
"You're not serious?"
"No, Sho-chan, I'm not serious," Jun answered with a grin, one that always made Sho's heart skip a beat, as he settled into the seat next to him and made no attempt to return to his place.
"Okay," Sho said softly, happily opening the volume as Jun placed it in his hands, reading the same page over and over with Jun's chin on his shoulder.
"We get to share a room in Shanghai," Jun informed him, eyes now closed.
Sho knows exactly why a shiver runs down his spine.
AN 1: Serious STILL makes me really, really nervous... bah. This chapter is so much longer than the last because with Sho I get carried away. At least we have background information and can move on toward that fluff! :D
AN 2: A reminder to anyone new, I opened this community up to membership if anyone is interested, in order to give me the ability to post things members only in the future (like my super secret plotting post that now you'll be able to see, oh noes!). It's not all that likely, but just in case. *shrug*
Genres: Angst, Romance, Eventual Fluff
Ratings: PG
Who: Sho/Jun (Ohmiya - this chapter)
Summary: "The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished." -- George Bernard Shaw
Sakurai Sho only struggled when things were supposed to come easy to him. Writing his own rap section for several of Arashi's songs, earning a degree in economics from a top university, and now trying his hand at reading the news - all of those things felt natural, and that was truly a blessing. All of things he wanted to do, he could do, at least when it came to his career.
"Wake up."
It was a familiar voice. A voice that only served to remind him that he had no talent with feelings, no perfection in what mattered most.
Perhaps, if Arashi had been about success and rivalry and paying the bills, he'd be filled with personal worries. Instead he worries about everything and everyone else, about Aiba's health and Ohno's lunch, Nino's moods, and on one special occasion, Jun's hair. He can't help himself, really, because in spite of a few childhood acquaintances and friends of his family, somewhere deep down Sho knows that without them he'd be lonely. Without them he'd be someone totally different, and he doesn't want to know that person. He doesn't want them to even have the chance to consider leaving him behind, because he wants them to need him, even if he can't jump out of a plane without wanting to cry (and how many people in the world can?).
Sometimes he wants a bit more than that, but they've never, ever known.
He remembers when it started, back when he was a junior, a little more hotheaded and willing to show off. Meeting Ninomiya Kazunari, someone with the world in his eyes, younger but far more passionate. Sho was too young himself to really care about the deeper qualities of a fellow human being, and had never really noticed that Ninomiya didn't truly want to be there, but Sho understood with his entirety that with Nino... there was definitely a problem.
Nino had told a joke that made Sho laugh so hard that tea came out his nose, and that was when he knew. Aiba was amusing, Toma had his moments, and Matsumoto could bring out his smile now and then, but Nino was different, and Sho could sense that enough to decide that he would never say a word about it. Not to his parents, to the other juniors, to anyone. Because it was hard enough on his family that their eldest son wanted to dance and rap as a profession, and to Sakurai Sho, family was the most important thing.
"You think something's going on with those two?" he had asked Aiba shortly after their debut, sneaking glances at Nino and the oldest of their new group. Aiba hadn't said anything, but it hadn't really been needed. Sho could tell the difference between a first crush and a first love and had transferred his feelings to friendship within a month.
Looking back on it now, he thinks it might have been the only time he was ever confident in how to handle his personal life. From then on it was watching the adult channel and tossing magazines into his suitcase, moving forward with blinders on and never looking back. Falling in love, seemingly out of the blue, and fearing all it could mean. Keeping the youngest member at a distance because this couldn't happen for real.
It was probably his only secret, if he was honest with himself, and that was the reason for holding on that much tighter. As much as he loved Arashi, it was a bond that made everything "sooner or later", there wasn't any room for surprise. Things either happened sooner than expected, or later than was hoped, but never at random and never without attention. It was exactly the reason he should have been prepared for that inevitable moment, his mind telling him to tear them both down and bring them to reality, and his heart beating too quickly to allow it.
"We've held back as long as possible, but it just wasn't... I can't speak for both of us, but I really couldn't take it anymore," Nino announced, eyes shifting nervously from face to face as he spoke.
"I really love him," was all Ohno felt necessary to contribute, grabbing Nino's hand and holding it loosely in his own.
He barely registered the voices of the others, of Aiba's laughter and approval, of Jun's reluctance without real complaint. He wanted to tell them all immediately, of what he'd sacrificed, of what he'd made another sacrifice, in order to keep them going. How they couldn't happen, because they'd only prove he'd made a mistake, back when he'd had his chance and had pushed it aside out of fear.
"I need a moment," he told them instead, smile forced as he fled from the scene.
It wasn't about an old and forgotten crush. It wasn't about the work that they'd have to put into covering this up. He'd let go of those things, but far too late, and that was what made it unbearable.
Sho knew he was insanely jealous, and he couldn't tell a soul.
---
At first he simply thinks it's amazing that the youngest of them is now truly an adult. Jun had always been more mature than his age would suggest, an abundance of ideas for how the group should proceed and a natural ability to entertain. He'd stopped telling the world how much he respected Sho, and was focusing now on showing the world how much they should respect him. Sho finds it attractive, but he really hates that. No one should become that seductive just by doing his job.
That's why he thinks, sometime later, that it's really a huge relief that the boy has become a man. Maybe, just maybe, Sho can truly believe his affection to be unrequited now, no danger of possibilities, no sign of opportunities.
If all the things he daydreamed, if all the things he wanted, were somehow within reach? He wonders if he could resist, if he could stop himself from taking that risk. It's not fair to anyone, when Sho would still hide the truth. It's not fair to Arashi, who in crisis would gladly take the blame.
He doesn't realize that Jun has been waiting, is on a different track.
"Matsujun says he needs to ask you something," Aiba tells him, playfully attacking his face with a towel before he exits the rehearsal space. It doesn't even make his hands sweaty. Sho has learned by now that when Jun wants to talk, even when Sho has his suspicions (or hopes... or both), it's usually about concert plans. It's almost always an extension of work.
"I know what you're thinking, and I'm not giving you the okay. Ohno nearly stepped on one last time and none of us can afford to lose his leg," Sho states firmly as he throws the man a water bottle, laughing before he adds, "Ohno especially!"
It's the kind of thing that would normally make Jun smirk, but today it makes him smile, faintly and with hesitation, and Sho knows he shouldn't push further. If Jun wants serious discussion, Sho can try to give him that.
"You don't know what I'm thinking, but I give you points for trying. No one else would be comfortable with exploring my train of thought," Jun finally answers, slowly removing his baseball cap and running a hand through his hair.
Jun's always used humor to hide his doubt. Maybe it's why he thought comedy would be his strength. Sho really prefers when Jun isn't trying so hard.
"Then what can I help you with?"
"I have a confession to make," Jun replies, so straightforward that Sho doesn't suspect a thing.
"You do want to put more on stage?" Sho guesses, but only because he wants Jun to laugh. He wants Jun to laugh more than anything.
Jun only shakes his head.
Until he's suddenly right in front of Sho, reaching out to grab Sho's hands, and Sho knows that he's sweating again without any help from rehearsal. Maybe, if he wasn't so nervous that his eyes were the size of saucers, he could appreciate that he's so very close to getting everything he secretly wants. He feels the need to apologize before anything's been said. He's never once given Jun any indication... the risk Jun was taking by even...
"I have a confession to make to you," Jun repeats, voice strong though his eyes are on the floor. Sho still thinks he might be wrong. Sho still thinks that this might be wrong. His only reaction is to squeeze the man's hands, then gasp as Jun's lips touch his.
"I want to be with you, and I had to tell you now. It's been too long and I can't get anywhere without your help. I know I made it seem like... I was a fan or an idiot or... both or something, but really what I feel... right? I can understand why you might not be able to - "
"It's impossible, isn't it?" Sho hears himself saying, thinking of fame and fans and responsibility, though he's not exactly sure what he means.
But he knows what Jun thinks he means, and he's too ashamed of his weaker nature to bother correcting him at all. He wishes he'd confessed first, he needs to tell the man to wait for him, at least, but his mouth isn't moving and Jun has said enough. He knows his heart is breaking as Jun makes his apologies and hurries out the door, but in the moment he feels far more for Jun.
He's always felt so much more for Jun.
---
"I guess you don't want this. I could hand it over to Aiba. He's still behind, but I'm sure he'll get to this eventually," Jun teased as soon as Sho's eyes were open, laughing as Sho grabbed at his hand and managed to shake his head.
"I don't want to owe Aiba anything. I've still got a bunch of his DVDs," Sho whined, clutching at the manga and avoiding Jun's strong gaze.
It was a habit now, to look away. Years later and Sho was still afraid that Matsujun could see him. Not because he's hiding, but because he's already lost.
"You're not serious?"
"No, Sho-chan, I'm not serious," Jun answered with a grin, one that always made Sho's heart skip a beat, as he settled into the seat next to him and made no attempt to return to his place.
"Okay," Sho said softly, happily opening the volume as Jun placed it in his hands, reading the same page over and over with Jun's chin on his shoulder.
"We get to share a room in Shanghai," Jun informed him, eyes now closed.
Sho knows exactly why a shiver runs down his spine.
AN 1: Serious STILL makes me really, really nervous... bah. This chapter is so much longer than the last because with Sho I get carried away. At least we have background information and can move on toward that fluff! :D
AN 2: A reminder to anyone new, I opened this community up to membership if anyone is interested, in order to give me the ability to post things members only in the future (like my super secret plotting post that now you'll be able to see, oh noes!). It's not all that likely, but just in case. *shrug*