The world through a broken heart
DISCLAIMER : I DO NOT OWN ANY PART OF SME NOR SUPER JUNIOR NOR THEIR MUSIC. the story is fictional. no copyright infringement intended. The boys own themselves ;]
Title : The world through a broken heart
Type : Sequel to The World through The Shattered Glass
Genre: Angst/Romance
Pairing : HanChul, Siwon POV
Rating : PG-13 (Boys Love)
Summary : A tragic accident that tears apart two lovers.. and a one sided love that died before blooming.
A/N: this story is based on the situation created after Hangeng leaves SM. But the after the SuJu accident where Heechul and Kyuhun oppas got seriously injured T_T
Warnings: character death
“The flow of time cleanses the past and heals the wounds in people’s hearts. But…there are some wounds you can’t speak of. This room is just like it was then. Time has stopped.”
~Nana
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(3 years ago)
He staggered back onto the sofa staring dumbfounded at his hyung. Behind him, the voices froze in mid sentence as conversation died and all attention turned to the marble faced man at the front of the room. Shindong looked pale, his hands clenched to his sides - the knuckles losing color to the lack of blood flow; the shoes strewn haphazardly behind him as he had broken into the room with the message of a nightmare.
The silence that enveloped the room was disturbed by a single scraping chair, as he heard heavy footsteps approaching him and Shindong at the door.
It happened too fast. One minute Shindong was standing infront of him, pale like death itself. The next, he was awkwardly pulled forward as strong hands grabbed at his shirt collar.
"what did u say?" the Chinese man demanded, fingers tightening their grip on his shirt.
Shindong stood silence a moment, as his eyes scanned the room overflowing with Kyuhun's loud game music. He could see it on their faces. The looks of horror. Some of disbelief. The shock on Kyuhun's face as the video game floated into the background of the frozen room.The look of utter terror on Leetuk's, Yesung's and Siwon's faces. The disbelief written so obviously on Donghae's and Hyukjae's faces. The twisted pain in Ryeowook's, Sungmin's and Kangin's face. He could see Kibum frozen in movement as a script slipped his grip and tumbled to the ground. He could see it all. He paused once more as a sigh escaped his lips. His eyes then turned to the Chinese man before him. He could see the terror, the disbelief and the torment in the deep depths of his tired eyes.
"he's dead" he replied.
Another split second before Hankyung smashed him to the wall along the door. Then he knew he had to stop them both , before another gets hurt. He reached out strong arms and wrapped them around Hankyung, prying him away from Shindong as he crashed to the floor, a motionless pile. He searched him for a moment to confirm his safety.
He was fine. Physically. Not mentally.
Hankyung struggled and squirmed in his grip. He screamed. He cussed. He questioned. Then finally- he fell apart.
"he's not gone. He can't be. He won't be. "
Muffled sobs bounced off the walls as the clock struck 1. he could hear the reality of the nightmare dawning on him. On them. His grip unconsciously tightened around his hyung, as the older man hurled one curse after another at nobody in particular. Any other day, he would have requested against profanity. He would have preached to them of God. Then he uttered a single name.
"heechul"
But not today. Today, God has forsaken him.
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Everyone wanted to know. Know why. Why he wasn't there. Why he didn't survive. Why he is dead.
And only he- he got to find answers.
The doctors refused to give answers. But he had his ways. He wanted answers. No. He needed them.
"he left a single note" the doctor finally spoke up, after days of refusal. He set his pen down on the table as he turned around to face the young man.
"siwon-sshi. I'll could lose my job for this. Heck I could be sent to jail for telling this. This is very private information. "
Siwon wanted to talk back. Wanted to ask how his hyung's life was less important than his job. the job that couldn't save him. But he didn't. For the sake of finding the truth. He didn't. He couldn't. So he simply nodded.
"he-" the doctor paused as he the look in his eyes hardened.
Siwon leaned in closer, his gaze unwavering. Th doctor sighed once and gave in.
"he overheard the other doctors talking bout his condition. "
Siwon stiffened, his heart racing from within his ribcage.
"what about his condition?" He inquired. He dreaded any answer that the doctor would give and unbeknown to him, his heart sped up as his palms started to sweat.
The doctor paused once more, inquiring eyes searching his face, and he didn't dare flinch nor look away. This was his only chance. He was so close to knowing the truth.
"his leg. He required an operation to remove the metal rod.. " the doctor averted his eyes, his head falling wearily onto his palm, as a finger subconsciously tapped against his forehead. " But even if he did, he was never going to be able to dance. " he finished, his eyelids fluttering close heavily.
He dreaded the worst. But his worst didn't include this. As his heart froze momentarily from within his ribcage, he knew in this moment that terror could kill. He knew it. He was in little danger of losing the end of this story. The doctor's words bounced off of every corner of his mind as the reality of the nightmare drowned him in it's vast suffocating pain.
"he- " his voice caught dry in his throat as the words formed slowly in his head. " he killed himself? "
He watched in suffocating terror as the doctor's head lifted once and dropped into his hands once.
His eyes watered as he gave into his emotions. His fists clenched in a desperate attempt to keep him from shaking, but he couldn't. The tears escaped helplessly. Then there was warmth. The doctor placed a comforting hand on his shoulder as he placed a neatly folded piece of paper into the palm of Siwon's unclenched hand.
He doesn't remember where he found the strength to unfold the paper. But he did somehow. And he fell apart helplessly at the sight of the two words written within. He felt weak and useless. Like his existence in this sinful world no longer mattered. He felt worthless because he couldn't help. Help someone so precious to him. And now, he was gone. He stared through streaming eyes at the paper that had been the last in his hand. The last to touch his fingers. He helplessly clutched it to his heart as the tears filled out.
"I'm sorry"
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He didn't tell anyone. He couldn't tell anyone. The doctors had said something about his physical condition deteriorating because of his weak mental condition. And as unwilling as they were to believe, it sounded so acceptable as they said that he rejected medicine and that he continued to starve himself. They believed. Maybe because they wanted something to believe in. Maybe because at the back of their minds they knew that somehow something went wrong and he inflicted this on himself, but they didn't want to believe it. Maybe.
He felt it was selfish of the hospital. At first he wanted to point an accusative finger at the "criminals" for their insensitivity towards their patients. But he didn't want to let his emotions take over and hurt the image that the world had of Kim Heechul. He didn't want a tainted comment of how he was weak all plastered on the web. The world wasn't fair. And the truth doesnt always bring justice. Sometimes the truth can hurt. And he didn't want it. He didn't want to hurt him.
The dorms were dead. Schedules were cancelled. Leetuk broke out into sudden bursts of tears at the sight of Heechul's clothes- left where he had last left them. Heebum sprawled across the living room. He could sense the absence of his master as he would stare at the full bowl of cat food. But he wouldn't eat. He missed him. They all did. Hankyung would wake up early as usual and drag himself to the kitchen to make breakfast and Ryeowook would offer to help. On days that they made Beijing fried rice, the Chinese man would break apart. He would cook as tear after tear slid down his face. Siwon watched from a distance. He couldn't help. He didn't know what to do. Some other times, Kyuhun would crawl out of his bedroom with two game consoles. Yet he would only play with one. He would win game after game of a two player game winning by himself. And at the end of each game, talk to him as if he were there, until his voice broke with a cry.
They were all broken.
He broke them.
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Super junior and the subgroups took a leave of over 5 months, canceling each and every work request they received. They couldn't move on together anymore. They did one last performance together after his death, but it wasn't the same. The crowd. The lights. The songs. They were all missing his harmony. His antics. His playfulness that had the fans screaming and squealing. It wasn't the same. It was like playing on broken strings. Like the instrument wasn't tuned. Like it was all a bad nightmare.
Then they stopped.
They dropped all work for long periods of time, and the company was worrying about their future. They didn't care anymore. What initially started off as individual goals had summed up to a group ambition.
And without him, super junior was no longer existent.
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The lights burned into his eyes as one click after another unrestingly rippled through the studio once more. Siwon lifted the plastic bottle to his lips once before drowning half of the water, and handing it to the brunette beside him.
His eyes swept the props to the model at the front of the room, forging fake smiles and hiding his pain behind the same old jokes.
Pathetic.
He mused over the simplicity of deception. Deception that deceive and hide what is true, is still the deception that people seek, that they hope to find refuge in. He watched as the crew shifted and adjusted the same studio lights that he sees everyday, the same crew, the same familiar faces. Adjusting, coordinating their deception.
Puppets, he thought as his eyes once again shifted to the man at front, moving and posing to coordination.
It's been coming for a while now- this thought of their empty reality. But he pushed it to the back of his mind for the sake of living through. He couldn't erase this emptiness. But he knew he could try to replace it. And as disgusting as it seemed, deception was the only way.
His eyes scanned the studio once more. Smiling Faces. Admiring Faces. Enjoying Faces. Demanding Faces. Familiar Faces.
All Except one.
"it's been 3 years" he spoke up after the long silence.
Donghae stiffened beside him, before slowly lowering the bottle from his lips.
" when are you visiting today?" he asked.
It's been pretty much a habit to each of them, the former super junior. Regardless of how busy of a schedule they were forced to cope with, they all managed to find time to visit. They wanted to spend each second by his side if they could, but they couldn't, not anymore. So a day like today would give them more than one reason to trail down that familiar road, flowers in hand. It's been like that for the past 3 years, it's a habit they can't live without.
"later this evening. You?"
" I went earlier today, around 3am " Donghae replied placing the water bottle on the floor, as he got up on cue for his turn.
" Puppets in a mad, mad world " he stated to no one in particular before heading off.
Siwon watched as donghae pulled out his usual "working" smile, before posing for each shoot. He leaned back into the chair, arms spreading out over the chair rest.
Time had dragged on pretty fast for them and they had started to fall Into new routines. Leetuk and Hyukjae would do their radio show as they did 3 years ago. Shindong got an offer for "young street" and he rejected it at first, before Hankyung had broken apart begging him to help keep him alive in the world's memory. Shindong couldnt reject, so he took on the offer. Kibum fell into acting and it had been over a year since Kangin left for the military. Eetuk had cried, but he didn't have the heart to make him stay. But he missed him, they all knew it. Donghae, Sungmin and him were hired for modeling and they had accepted. Kyuhun, Yesung and Ryeowook had formed Super Junior KRY. Their album came out after a while with a title track of emotional torment. Coagulation.
And Hankyung, he broke apart from SM Entertainment and went back to China. He disappeared from the public for over 9 months. He faded away, but there were rumors of sightings. All telltales of one having seen him on the road, in the streets.. and sometimes on tall cliffs overlooking vast oceans.
He was sure that Hankyung was also possibly looking for a long walk off of a short pier, but he knew for a fact that the Chinese man had little courage in hurting others, especially his beloved parents. He couldn't possibly leave them alone in this cruel world like he was left behind. Like he left him behind.
He watched Donghae signaling him to come over, so he dropped his painful thoughts on their reality, and walked over to the set.
He flashed his best smile towards the camera and posed.
He was never his. And now he was never going to be. Ever
Sometimes deception was good. Sometimes you can escape. From yourself.
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(Credits to owners)
(Credits to owners)
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SOOOOOOOOO.. lemme know if i should continue and i hope y'all like this? and SPOILER ALERT!!! I'm thinking of doing the next chapter (?) in Heechul's POV :) Keep checking back for updates :]