Hand Of Sorrow Series
Phase 6: To Love
The following few days, Donghae had opened up to him, and the awkwardness that had accumulated between them during the course of the last 2 years has started to slowly disappear. It eased him, that the distance between them is closing. But even with all the bliss bubbling within himself, he couldn't bring himself to ignore the shifting moods of his beloved.
The rest of Super Junior having busy schedules of MCing, talk shows and what nots, most evenings were spent with just Donghae and Siwon stuck at the dorms - not that he was complaining. And with the growing edge in his movements, he decided to find the root of the issue in hope of getting it out of the way of their already lacking intimacy.
"whats wrong?" he asked one such evening, while Donghae switched channels apparently irritated at the lack of a good show on the TV. Walking out from the kitchen with a carton of milk, he settled down next to Donghae on the couch, and slid his arm behind him..
"nothing"
Donghae dropped the remote and climbed to his feet, and walked away from the sofa- much to Siwon's surprise and dismay.
"oh?" He questioned, and looked inquiringly at Donghae who was now staring out through the glass doors leading to the balcony.
"mhm" he whispered, without as much as a glance in his direction - his eyes much occupied with the darkness seeping into the evening.
Frustration getting the best of him, Siwon stood up and walked over to Donghae, his each step an emphasis of his dissatisfaction. He noticed that he hasn't as much as moved a muscle, and this only added his growing annoyance. Annoyed and impatient as he was, he strode over to Donghae and slammed a hand against the very glass door that Donghae was facing.
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-SLAM-
The sudden action and the noise that came with it, broke the mental chain of thoughts racing inside his head.
"w-what??" he stammered. He could feel Siwon so close behind him - a nail's distance away, his every breath sending chills down his spine - and not the kind that screamed discomfort.
He could feel Siwon shift his body, closer to his own. Instinctively he cringed, his mind racing with thoughts of sinful pleasures; his heart threatening to break out.
"what.is.wrong.with.you.lately?" Siwon questioned, much forcibly, his every word overflowing with demand.
Either he noticed my discomfort and found it amusing, or it hasn't occurred to his thick head that such close contact was driving me crazy.
"what could possibly be wrong?" He retorted appearing much calmer than the storm raging within him.
If he knew, if he KNEW, it would hurt him. But i do hope he can understand. Its not easy pretending i'm f-
"oh NO. something is DEFINITELY wrong!" Siwon's voice demanded from behind, and Donghae cringed once more.
"tell.me" He ordered, snaking an arm around his waist and pulling him closer.
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Maybe THIS method would work?!
Siwon prayed in his head, as he slid an arm around his waist and pulled him closer.
GOD! this is driving me insane... he inhaled.. he's soo CLOSE, yet I cant MAKE ANY MOVE. he heaved an exasperated sigh.
"tell.me" He ordered, authority that he hardly felt inside of him, brimming his every word.
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Donghae exhaled - ever so slowly, to help him retain his senses, in hope of not losing his head to the mindless passion screaming within him.
"I-It's nothing r-" His words were cut short as Siwon's playful fingers ran down his torso, and snaked their way in, under his shirt. A slight shudder escaped him at the sensation of naked skin against naked skin.
"tell me~" His honey coated voice, breathed into the nape of his neck.
Oh. please no. I'm not going to be able to handle this with a clear mind. St-
His mind froze as Siwon's hand climbed its way up his torso to his chin, from under his shirt, tilting his face slightly upwards. He didnt spare him a moment to breathe before his teeth found their way to his ear lobe. Slowly, his tongue slipped out, tracing the curves of his ear. Shudder.
His mind's reasoning lost to his heart's growing passion, he swirled around to face Siwon, who stared at him, eyes screaming of yearning.
Oh it just did. His heart DID skip a beat at the sight of such eyes of his beloved.
His actions outdoing his thoughts - that were now non-existent - his hands climbed their way around his neck, as he pressed himself completely against the glass.
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The work load for the day had been crazy. From the moment his manager had come to pick him up for his drama recording for the day, the day had been dragging on forever.
Half past 7. He should be home.
Kibum thought to himself, glancing at his watch (a smile breaking out, at the thought of him) then at his schedule- all work done for the day.
Tightening his grip around the car keys safely in his pocket, he waved at his co-starts and the crew currently busy at the set, and made way to his car.
_______
He was at the verge of losing his mind, when he had swirled around, his arms snaking their way around his neck.
Surprise followed by longing, he closed the distance between them, his body pressing flush against his.
oh... he shivered.. and pulled him closer yet with the hand that was now finding its way to his waist, and pressed his other hand, firmly against the glass, next to his head.
He took his time to reach over, to find his lips, being cautious even at this moment, to not do what he wouldn't wish of him.
Apparently not.
Donghae's arms around his neck pulled him in faster and lips collided with lips, tongue finding tongue in a vicious battle for superiority. His hands snaked about him, and he could feel him moan into their kiss, with obvious satisfaction at the ensuing battle.
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Having pulled into the parking lot, Kibum grabbed a box of chocolates from the back seat that he had bought on his way, and climbed out. The autumn wind blew chilly against his exposed skin, and silently cursing himself for not having worn long sleeves, he ran the length of the stairway leading into the Super Junior dorms.
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It happened so fast.
One minutes it was just us two. Then the next.- He was there.
Mouth agape. Eyes widened in horror at the scene that was now paused in front of him.
"w-wha-WHAT THE HELL?!" Kibum yelled, his voice a howl barging into the living room, shoes on and tossing a box on to the sofa along the way.
His hands reached out to Siwon's shirt, pulled him down and next thing he knew, they were thrashing around the living room, arms flailing, one punch after another.
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He couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it.
His eyes flashed from Siwon lips to his lips, to his arms wrapped around Siwon, to Siwon's arm around his waist.
The sight that was Siwon and Donghae- HIS Donghae- entwined in a KISS?!
He cursed at the word, and his mind already lost to the frenzy, his arms landed punch after another against Siwon.
Swinging his arm back for greater impact, somewhere far away he could hear him screaming "STOP!" but, his mind had little authority over his own actions. Therefore, he was thrown over when Siwon finally decided to put in a punch of his own-against his rib cage.
Siwon knocked him over and he rolled to his side - the impact of the received punch screaming pain throughout his rib cage and around.
Clutching his sides, he climbed to his feet once more.
no.no.no.NO.NO.NO. YOU'RE NOT TAKING HIM AWAY FROM ME.
His mind screamed in fear of losing Donghae to Siwon ONCE again, and he scrambled towards Siwon once more, but instead knocked over Donghae who decided to intervene his fight to win him over.
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Watching felt useless. He knew he had to do something. But these two, he knew, were in a frenzy over what had just happened; Siwon of the sudden attacks, and Kibum of the shock of having seen him and Siwon together.
His body acted faster than his thoughts did, and he leaped forward as Kibum lunged for Siwon once more.
The hit was heavy. STRONG yet. and it threw him off his balance and he fell, head hitting the corner of the glass tea table in the middle of the living room, infront of the TV.
He could feel the world blackening out, but he knew that he had to be strong this moment, and he held on, and climbed to his feet, feigning ignorance over the throb in his head where the collision had definitely left a mark.
"stop." he insisted, eyes running between Siwon and Kibum, both now obviously more concerned over his wound than their own. He turned towards Kibum, grabbed him by the wrist and fled out the door, leaving behind a concerned and worried Siwon, who simply looked on, but didn't move from where he stood.
Outside, Donghae let go of Kibum's hand, and turned around to face him.
He knew the next few words will be painful for Kibum, but for their own sake, he knew, knew that it's time he faced reality- and his feelings.
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Kibum searched his face, partially concerned about the earlier hit, and also over what he knew was coming.
The dread of the situation was eating away at his heart, and he hasn't even spoken a word. Yet he knew, from the change in his eyes, to the sudden look of torment etched across the face that he loved so much.
he's- he's about to- he can't. I was HERE for him, when HE wasn't. We BELONG TOGETHER. BECAUSE HE KNOWS, HOW MUCH, OH HOW MUCH I L-
"Kibum-ah, I've been meaning to tell you this. I didn't want things to turn out this way. That is exactly why I've been thinking of how to- " his voice cracked once. " tell you -" gulp. " about my TRUE feelings." Donghae finished his sentence, and yet it felt like he had just pierced him with a sword, straight through his heart.
The dread of the moment was climbing from his heart to his throat, and shaped a lump, obstructing his words as he tried to speak up.
"Dongh-" he interrupted. " Let me finish"
"I've been - in love with Siwon " ah.. the pain.. " for as long as I can remember, and I've been meaning to move on. But I couldn't , because what he and I have is real" ah.. it kills. so much..
His words failing him, tears began to pile up, and without a second thought, he spat out the words that first popped into his head.
"I'VE ALSO BEEN IN LOVE WITH YOU FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER-" his face changed, paled per say- " AND I'VE BEEN MEANING TO MOVE ON TOO, BUT I COULDN'T. AND SO I SOUGHT YOU, AND YOU LET ME IN. AND YOU MADE ME BELIEVE THAT WHAT WE HAV-NO HAD- IS REAL!"
Donghae paled, significantly, with each words as much.
Good, he thought to himself, Donghae finally understand my feelings. Now that you do. Please. Please stay.
Donghae opened his mouth to reply, but thoughts having failed him, fell to his knees and sat there for a good minute, eyes fixed to the floor, before lifting his eyes to look at him.
He could feel his breath catch in his throat. Please. He begged mentally, but he could feel his world divide, as Donghae replied once more,
"I love him, KIbum-ah. I really do."
Tears streaming down his face, he lifted a shaking arm to sweep away the tears. Rational thoughts lost on him, on the verge of breaking down, he questioned, his voice barely above a whisper,
"Why him? He's hurt you so much, for so long, Obviously, he's not worth it. Why NOT me? I've loved you so much, for so long. Obviously I SHOULD be worth it."
Donghae slightly craned his neck to look at Kibum dead in the eye, and replied, his voice weak, yet steady
"He's the man I chose. You don't know him like I do. What right do you have to tell me he's not worth it?"
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Siwon's heart skipped a beat - no a FEW HUNDRED BEATS - as he slid on to the floor, back against the door.
"Why him? He's hurt you so much, for so long, Obviously, he's not worth it. Why NOT me? I've loved you so much, for so long. Obviously I SHOULD be worth it."
Kibum's question had left him speechless, much more, breathless, as he listened without a single movement to the answer that Donghae was about to give Kibum. He could feel his breath stop halfway down his wind pipe when Donghae barely whispered,
'He's the man I chose. You don't know him like I do. What right do you have to tell me he's not worth it?"
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He ran. He ran as far and as fast as his legs could take him. He only wanted to get away, away from him and his confessions of never ending love towards some other man. Halfway down the run, he found himself in a children's park and he pulled up his hoodie and slipped in- eyes still stinging with and endless flow of tears.
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Donghae watched as Kibum turned on his heel, teeth biting white knuckles, and ran down the stairway.
He sat there for a moment and cried. Wiping his tears he made way to the door, stopped to inhale deeply and turned the handle.
The door budged but didn't open, and he peered in through the space to find Siwon on the floor, arms around his head, head on his knee.
He hesitated once more, then stepped in through the crack, knelt down beside him, and wrapped his arms around in an embrace, as his hands slithered around his waist and brought him closer. He leaned his head on his shoulder and cried away, as he felt warm droplets on his head - the storm within Siwon, finally breaking free.
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Time is said to heal all wounds, and with time, they did heal, some more than others.
The accidental punch from Kibum to Donghae of back then, called for a full body check up after Donghae's headache lasted for more than a day, but the doctor assured the worried team mates (especially SIwon and Kibum) that he is indeed fine.
Kibum somehow sought to find justification from that accidental punch and decided to watch the one he love, love someone else. and that too, from a far. (His acting schedule only got tighter starting 3 days after the incident)
Siwon and Donghae resumed their love fest, and declared to each other their true feelings, and life started getting better for both.
Occasionally, the two went out to dinner with Kangin and Eetuk, or cooked together with Hankyung and Heechul.
On other instances, Kyuhun and Sungmin would drag them to the game store to help pick games, or Yesung and Ryewook took them shopping for soft toys (which they found extremely awkward, but Siwon loved seeing Donghae run around the store grabbing every stuffed fish he saw)
Eyunhuk found it rather amusing that Siwon and Donghae were together, and Shindong once congratulated them for "FINALLY being honest to yourselves".
The life in the dorms continued on, and their love story of Sihae, lived a secret within their group.