(no subject)
i've been thinking a lot about my faith and my spirituality lately. about how i've always felt different than my spiritual peers, and how i've been judged and told i was a bad christian because of the trials and hardships i've faced in my life. afterall, if i were a good christian and prayed enough, god wouldn't allow these things to happen. yeah, right. i've realized who in my life is on the same page as me as far as my beliefs are concerned, and who in my life loves and accepts me regardless, and wouldn't judge me for not believing exactly like them.
i've been thinking a lot about mental illness and stigma. it seems that the stigma of crazy even includes the sometimes less severe mental illesses like depression and anxiety. of course most who have truly gotten inside my head would agree that i am try crazy, even just knowing that i am depressed, and nothing else, as caused a lot of people to pass harsh and unkind judgments and think very differently and even less of me. people who haven't felt the stigma of crazy are quite lucky and should count their lucky stars.
i've been thinking about the things ways i've learned to cope. most were harmful and surprisingly, lately, i even miss some of them. i don't miss pills. i take them everyday and never think of abusing them. i don't miss cutting. sure, sometimes i think of it when triggers come up, but i never actually get triggered. i never actually think of cutting myself. it simply isn't an option. i sometimes think of drinking, though i know i can't do it. not on a physical level before i'm lacking a pancreas and other organ, or a mental level because of my depression. i'm mostly just still a little bitter that i didn't get to make the choice about quitting drinking. but i think about it less and less as time passes, and i know it's not something that i need in my life. i think at times of hitting and bruising myself, or pulling out my hair. both things i used to do. both things i still do at times. both things i find that i miss and that help.
i miss being on the cusp of healthy and underweight. i miss being able to go days without food. i miss surviving on water and coffee. i miss watching the weight fall off. i miss watching the number drop and my body shrink. i miss the small clothes. i miss the euphoria of starvation. i miss the sense of control. i miss the bones. but i don't miss it all. i don't miss being constantly cold. i don't miss my hair falling out. i don't miss being weak, and having no energy. i don't miss having poor memory and concentration. i don't miss the hunger pains. i don't miss the growling stomach. i don't miss being out of control. i don't miss the questions, assumptions, and accusations. i miss it. but i don't. it's confusing. and complicated. i sometimes think steve would kill me if i went back. i sometimes think it would kill me if i went back. i sometimes think i'm not even strong enough to go back. i just want to be thin. i want to be happy with myself.
anyway, i'm shivering... and it's like 6am. i have to be up in three hours! i got on here because i'm battling insomnia and it was winning but hopefully i'll be able to sleep now. but i don't know. i needed to get this shit out of my head.
p.s. i love you and i just thought that you should know.
i've been thinking a lot about mental illness and stigma. it seems that the stigma of crazy even includes the sometimes less severe mental illesses like depression and anxiety. of course most who have truly gotten inside my head would agree that i am try crazy, even just knowing that i am depressed, and nothing else, as caused a lot of people to pass harsh and unkind judgments and think very differently and even less of me. people who haven't felt the stigma of crazy are quite lucky and should count their lucky stars.
i've been thinking about the things ways i've learned to cope. most were harmful and surprisingly, lately, i even miss some of them. i don't miss pills. i take them everyday and never think of abusing them. i don't miss cutting. sure, sometimes i think of it when triggers come up, but i never actually get triggered. i never actually think of cutting myself. it simply isn't an option. i sometimes think of drinking, though i know i can't do it. not on a physical level before i'm lacking a pancreas and other organ, or a mental level because of my depression. i'm mostly just still a little bitter that i didn't get to make the choice about quitting drinking. but i think about it less and less as time passes, and i know it's not something that i need in my life. i think at times of hitting and bruising myself, or pulling out my hair. both things i used to do. both things i still do at times. both things i find that i miss and that help.
i miss being on the cusp of healthy and underweight. i miss being able to go days without food. i miss surviving on water and coffee. i miss watching the weight fall off. i miss watching the number drop and my body shrink. i miss the small clothes. i miss the euphoria of starvation. i miss the sense of control. i miss the bones. but i don't miss it all. i don't miss being constantly cold. i don't miss my hair falling out. i don't miss being weak, and having no energy. i don't miss having poor memory and concentration. i don't miss the hunger pains. i don't miss the growling stomach. i don't miss being out of control. i don't miss the questions, assumptions, and accusations. i miss it. but i don't. it's confusing. and complicated. i sometimes think steve would kill me if i went back. i sometimes think it would kill me if i went back. i sometimes think i'm not even strong enough to go back. i just want to be thin. i want to be happy with myself.
anyway, i'm shivering... and it's like 6am. i have to be up in three hours! i got on here because i'm battling insomnia and it was winning but hopefully i'll be able to sleep now. but i don't know. i needed to get this shit out of my head.
p.s. i love you and i just thought that you should know.