SO many tags. But I love this angst, had to get this one first.mightbebloggingOctober 15 2011, 01:49:22 UTC
[ John could hardly register the fact that Sherlock was, indeed, there, much less any changes in his appearance. There was nothing he could think to say in that moment. He really wasn't think much at all. It was probably a good thing that the detective strode forward to take him into his arms, because it was around that moment that his knees started to buckle and give out beneath him. He leaned into that embrace with a gasp, closing his eyes as he took in that familiar smell that was his Sherlock. Still, after all this time, it returned to him - and he realized, all over again, just how much he had really missed this man. His own body shook with the others', but he didn't move to wrap his own arms around him. It wasn't until the corners of his eyes were wet with tears that something finally snapped within him, and he came alive again.
John Watson shoved Sherlock Holmes away from him forcefully. The doctor almost fell over himself in the process but did not, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Eyes glazed with tears suddenly glared at him furiously. His voice was hollow, but there was no mistaking the anger and pain in it. ]
angst is just so much fun with these twodeducing_freakOctober 15 2011, 02:05:40 UTC
[That moment there, actually being able to hold John again, something he had taken for granted so long, it didn't last nearly as long as Sherlock had wanted it to. But those few short minutes was enough to cure his longing. It wasn't until he felt a sharp blow that forced the two of them apart that the detective had to fall back into reality again. The push had caught him somewhat off guard and he had to take a step back in order to steady his balance. The look on the doctor's face was something unlike anything Sherlock had ever come to witness before. The man was positively livid, but not without good reason, and he could not deny it. And an apology was simply out of the question. Again Sherlock would try to speak up for himself again, only to lose the words the moment they reached the tip of his tongue, and the man remained ever silent.]
That Sherlock icon. Gah. I just want to give him a hug.mightbebloggingOctober 15 2011, 02:28:26 UTC
[ The fact that Sherlock didn't even try to apologize, or fight back, or just do anything only fueled the doctor's anger even more. Didn't the man know what he had done? How could he just stand there? It wasn't fair... and John intended on letting him know that. It was as if the floodgates had opened, and everything he'd kept bottled up just came pouring out. He probably couldn't stop himself if he tried. Damn straight he was angry. ]
You think you can just waltz back into my life as if nothing ever happened? As if you didn't just leave me with a stupid little note and nothing else? No goodbye, no explanation, like the bloody coward you are, hm? [ John pushed him again, as if the initial shove hadn't been enough. Yes. He was very upset. ] Is that it, then?
[ His voice was fiercely low, but it still broke. ] You...don't... deserve that right.
sad Sherlock is sad D:deducing_freakOctober 15 2011, 02:38:47 UTC
[There really wasn't much of anything that he could say. He had no defense in the matter at all. Leaving was his own decision and he knew what he'd be coming back to. Though Sherlock wasn't quite prepared for the verbal assault that John was currently unleashing upon him right now. He kept quiet and still, even when the doctor pushed hm again, it was enough to cause him to take another short step backwards.]
I...
[For the moment, that was the only vowel he could muster. Sherlock would cast his eyes downward and looked away, not really focusing on anything in particular really but he couldn't take seeing John glaring at him in such a rage.]
[ It would have been a rare moment for the old Sherlock and John. The detective didn't normally cower before anyone, much less the doctor. But if words could really hurt, it would be from someone you cared about. Right now, John isn't feeling satisfied with his long-lost flatmate's words of excuse. He actually smirks dryly, but he is absolutely humorless. ]
Oh, right. Of course. You had to figure something out. I hope you bloody well cured world hunger and bought everyone a fucking puppy for taking over a year to figure something out!
[ And oh, he doesn't try to stop the tears. What's the point anymore? ]
[He deserved that. Sherlock deserved every last venomous word that came from John's lips and pierced his ears. Even now, he couldn't think to actually look him in the eye. What he did was absolutely unforgivable. Sherlock knew this because he still couldn't forgive himself for doing what he had thought was necessary.]
It was something much more important then that..
[Naturally, the ever stoic detective had mastered the skill of keeping his emotions hidden from view. Only John was permitted to see his weaker and more vulnerable sides. Now was not an exception to that. Sherlock would slowly lift his chin up some, feeling that dreaded shaking start up again but he managed to not let it take full control.]
Everything had started to become routine... too commonplace... it was, well it was boring. I couldn't handle it. Everything was so... just so domestic. I wasn't myself anymore..
[ Although John might have felt just the very slightest bit of guilt and pity for the man, it didn't last very long. After all, he'd been gone for over a year. Do you know how much can happen in a year, how much people can change in a year? Sherlock's words certainly don't help the matter. Of course the doctor takes it the wrong way, or at least the way he think its meant to sound. His anger intensifies with a deep pain he hadn't felt in some time. Oh, he'd never stopped missing him, not really, but after a while, the pain had numbed him. This was the most intense emotions he'd felt in a long time, since the detective had first left. ]
Boring? Christ, Sherlock... is that what you thought of me, of us? Of what we had? You couldn't stand it so much that you had to leave, had to go and find yourself somewhere else?
[ John is a strong man, but he can't take it anymore. Sherlock might as well have punched him in the gut with that verbal blow. He leans heavily against chair for support, trying his damnedest not to fall to the floor on his knees. He didn't like being seen as weak, either, but this... this was just too much. ]
[Emotions never were his strong suit and now was the worst time for that trait to be making itself known. Sherlock can only watch as John is practically falling apart in front of his eyes and the only thing he wants to do right now is to hold onto him again. Never the less, the detective doesn't make any attempt to move from his position. He was already treading on dangerous grounds as it is.]
I only took me about three months before everything had finally become clear. But... I needed to be certain....
[His voice eventually dulls down to a quieter tone. Sherlock lowers his head again, dark hair falling to shadow his face as he speaks more gently in order to hide the tremble in his voice.] There wasn't a single day that went by where I didn't think about you...
[ Its completely frustrating, but part of John also wants to hold onto Sherlock again, if only because his arms had longed for it for so long. But right now, his hurt and anger are stronger than anything else. He just can't give in and trust this man again, as much as he wants to take him back. He doesn't like seeing Sherlock like this. Broken, defeated, shamed. ]
...three months? Is that all?
[ Its those gentle, soft words that he has to strain to hear that really do him in, however. He runs a hand over his face and through his longish, gray-flecked hair... then kicks the chair. Hard. It hurts, but that's good. ]
So it took you a year after those three months to be certain? [ Oh yes, he'd been keeping count, too. ] You thought about me every day, but that wasn't enough to bring you back to me?
[The detective's voice is soft even still, doing his best to maintain his composure, though now would have been the acceptable time to finally let everything show. It was still such a foreign feeling to him and Sherlock found difficulty when expressing himself completely in such intimate situations.]
John... please just answer me this.. [His voice actually shakes when he mentions the other's name but he manages and lifts his head up slowly. It's a daring move but Sherlock finally makes eye contact with the doctor.]
Damnit, Sherlock. [ He hisses, meeting that gaze, after hearing that question. He doesn't want you to look at him like that, with that face, still so boyish and innocent and incredibly irresistible. As if he doesn't know that this thing he's done is actually a very bad thing, and that he's caused some actual damage here. ]
You don't deserve an answer, you know. I shouldn't be your problem anymore, I really shouldn't care this much. I could have married someone. I could have at least moved on enough that I might be dating someone, someone completely normal who wouldn't dare think of leaving me just for the sake of an experiment. [ He lets his head drop, voice quiet for a moment. ] I thought... I thought we really had something.
Funny thing is, I don't think I actually ever completely gave up on you. Do you know how absolutely mad that makes me, for hoping you'd come back, for so long? You could have found something else, or someone else much more interesting. Hell, you could have been dead for all I knew. I couldn't keep... I had to stop waiting, it was killing me inside.
[It would be difficult to tell if John had ever actually missed him at all, considering the man's obvious frustration and sheer anger. He was a mess of emotions even when he was doing his very best to try and hide them. But his answer does prove something of a point and there is a very subtle smile that forms on the corner of Sherlock's lips. Hard to see even with John's trained eyes, the doctor could always tell when he was smiling.]
You were never my problem, John. If anything... I was yours.
[Sherlock will let his head hang down again, casting his eyes to the floor. He really didn't like this carpet, never did actually.]
I understand that my leaving must have hurt... but you have no idea how much worse it was for me to have to do it.
[ Oh, John saw the smile alright, but he'll refuse to return it with one of his own. A year and three odd months is a very long time. He hasn't changed completely, but he's learned what its like to live with cynicism, disappointment, and longing that nothing could possibly fulfill except this same, infuriating detective. ]
My problem? Sherlock, being with you, chasing you down the streets of London and solving ridiculous mysteries... that's what truly made me feel alive! Before you, my life was rubbish - nothing ever happened. How does that make you my problem? Because I wasn't 'safe?' [ A snort. ] You knew I craved danger as much as you craved the puzzles.
[Yes, that was all very true, and he'll nod his head slowly in response. It had taken Sherlock some time in order to come to terms with the fact that John purposely put himself in the way of danger simply because that was where he actually wanted to be, and not because it was something that he had managed to accidentally drag the good doctor into.]
Well... in that case, I believe I have solved my biggest puzzle...
[He's hesitant again, and it shows, but Sherlock composes himself again as he lifts his chin up slightly. The other man may or may not have wanted to hear the detective's conclusion, but Sherlock would not have been satisfied if he did not reveal his final solution.]
[ John... honestly does not know what to say to that. He's caught off guard, to say the very least. Some part of him is overjoyed to hear Sherlock say that, knowing its the best declaration of love he'll ever get. But its been over a year. Lowering his gaze again, he forces himself to straighten, slowly releasing his hold of the chair. He's not entirely certain his knees won't buckle again, but at least he's almost gotten over the initial shock of seeing the detective again. His voice is pained, and the words are difficult to say, but he has to get them out. ]
Sherlock.
What took you three months to realize, and then an entire year to be certain of... I could have told you before you left. Hell, I could have told you as much not a week after we first met. I might not have been certain, but I was bloody well sure I didn't want to leave you to realize the rest of the world is nothing compared to what I had with you.
I don't... I don't know. Maybe its too late. How can I trust you again? How can we possibly just pick up where we left off?
...To be honest, I wasn't quite sure what I was looking for. I needed absolution. For the first time in my life I actually felt something, but I didn't know for the life of me what it was. I assumed it was the fear of commitment. To be tied down to an ordinary life, to slowly become dull and predictable..
I just... I needed to get away from everything. Everyone. I had to think without distraction.
[By this point he just can not resist. It had been far too long since he made any physical contact with this man, and that short lived embrace just wasn't satisfying him any longer. Sherlock stepped over, lifting John's chin up with his hand as he stared onto him longingly.]
But I realized... the world is a mediocre place,, it'll always be that way and there's very little anyone can do to change that. What matters is.... well... it's who you share your walk of life with.
John... please..... [There's a quivering sigh as he slowly takes his hand away, having to strain himself some from possibly making things worse by invading ones privacy.] ..please be the better man, and never leave me like I have you.
John Watson shoved Sherlock Holmes away from him forcefully. The doctor almost fell over himself in the process but did not, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. Eyes glazed with tears suddenly glared at him furiously. His voice was hollow, but there was no mistaking the anger and pain in it. ]
You left me! You... left me!
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You think you can just waltz back into my life as if nothing ever happened? As if you didn't just leave me with a stupid little note and nothing else? No goodbye, no explanation, like the bloody coward you are, hm? [ John pushed him again, as if the initial shove hadn't been enough. Yes. He was very upset. ] Is that it, then?
[ His voice was fiercely low, but it still broke. ] You...don't... deserve that right.
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I...
[For the moment, that was the only vowel he could muster. Sherlock would cast his eyes downward and looked away, not really focusing on anything in particular really but he couldn't take seeing John glaring at him in such a rage.]
...I had to figure something out.
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Oh, right. Of course. You had to figure something out. I hope you bloody well cured world hunger and bought everyone a fucking puppy for taking over a year to figure something out!
[ And oh, he doesn't try to stop the tears. What's the point anymore? ]
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It was something much more important then that..
[Naturally, the ever stoic detective had mastered the skill of keeping his emotions hidden from view. Only John was permitted to see his weaker and more vulnerable sides. Now was not an exception to that. Sherlock would slowly lift his chin up some, feeling that dreaded shaking start up again but he managed to not let it take full control.]
Everything had started to become routine... too commonplace... it was, well it was boring. I couldn't handle it. Everything was so... just so domestic. I wasn't myself anymore..
..I needed answers.
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Boring? Christ, Sherlock... is that what you thought of me, of us? Of what we had? You couldn't stand it so much that you had to leave, had to go and find yourself somewhere else?
[ John is a strong man, but he can't take it anymore. Sherlock might as well have punched him in the gut with that verbal blow. He leans heavily against chair for support, trying his damnedest not to fall to the floor on his knees. He didn't like being seen as weak, either, but this... this was just too much. ]
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[Emotions never were his strong suit and now was the worst time for that trait to be making itself known. Sherlock can only watch as John is practically falling apart in front of his eyes and the only thing he wants to do right now is to hold onto him again. Never the less, the detective doesn't make any attempt to move from his position. He was already treading on dangerous grounds as it is.]
I only took me about three months before everything had finally become clear. But... I needed to be certain....
[His voice eventually dulls down to a quieter tone. Sherlock lowers his head again, dark hair falling to shadow his face as he speaks more gently in order to hide the tremble in his voice.] There wasn't a single day that went by where I didn't think about you...
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...three months? Is that all?
[ Its those gentle, soft words that he has to strain to hear that really do him in, however. He runs a hand over his face and through his longish, gray-flecked hair... then kicks the chair. Hard. It hurts, but that's good. ]
So it took you a year after those three months to be certain? [ Oh yes, he'd been keeping count, too. ] You thought about me every day, but that wasn't enough to bring you back to me?
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[The detective's voice is soft even still, doing his best to maintain his composure, though now would have been the acceptable time to finally let everything show. It was still such a foreign feeling to him and Sherlock found difficulty when expressing himself completely in such intimate situations.]
John... please just answer me this.. [His voice actually shakes when he mentions the other's name but he manages and lifts his head up slowly. It's a daring move but Sherlock finally makes eye contact with the doctor.]
....how long did it take before you gave up..?
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You don't deserve an answer, you know. I shouldn't be your problem anymore, I really shouldn't care this much. I could have married someone. I could have at least moved on enough that I might be dating someone, someone completely normal who wouldn't dare think of leaving me just for the sake of an experiment. [ He lets his head drop, voice quiet for a moment. ] I thought... I thought we really had something.
Funny thing is, I don't think I actually ever completely gave up on you. Do you know how absolutely mad that makes me, for hoping you'd come back, for so long? You could have found something else, or someone else much more interesting. Hell, you could have been dead for all I knew. I couldn't keep... I had to stop waiting, it was killing me inside.
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You were never my problem, John. If anything... I was yours.
[Sherlock will let his head hang down again, casting his eyes to the floor. He really didn't like this carpet, never did actually.]
I understand that my leaving must have hurt... but you have no idea how much worse it was for me to have to do it.
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My problem? Sherlock, being with you, chasing you down the streets of London and solving ridiculous mysteries... that's what truly made me feel alive! Before you, my life was rubbish - nothing ever happened. How does that make you my problem? Because I wasn't 'safe?' [ A snort. ] You knew I craved danger as much as you craved the puzzles.
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Well... in that case, I believe I have solved my biggest puzzle...
[He's hesitant again, and it shows, but Sherlock composes himself again as he lifts his chin up slightly. The other man may or may not have wanted to hear the detective's conclusion, but Sherlock would not have been satisfied if he did not reveal his final solution.]
John... I simply can not live without you.
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Sherlock.
What took you three months to realize, and then an entire year to be certain of... I could have told you before you left. Hell, I could have told you as much not a week after we first met. I might not have been certain, but I was bloody well sure I didn't want to leave you to realize the rest of the world is nothing compared to what I had with you.
I don't... I don't know. Maybe its too late. How can I trust you again? How can we possibly just pick up where we left off?
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I just... I needed to get away from everything. Everyone. I had to think without distraction.
[By this point he just can not resist. It had been far too long since he made any physical contact with this man, and that short lived embrace just wasn't satisfying him any longer. Sherlock stepped over, lifting John's chin up with his hand as he stared onto him longingly.]
But I realized... the world is a mediocre place,, it'll always be that way and there's very little anyone can do to change that. What matters is.... well... it's who you share your walk of life with.
John... please..... [There's a quivering sigh as he slowly takes his hand away, having to strain himself some from possibly making things worse by invading ones privacy.] ..please be the better man, and never leave me like I have you.
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