Sorry about the iconfailing, my internet's being tetchy so I have to tag from my phone.fromtherackSeptember 13 2012, 00:55:04 UTC
[Didn't Cas get it? If you have to make yourself thoughtless, if you drive off of instinct and shove down knowledge, shove down emotions, that's what makes you inhuman. That's what makes you just another supernatural thing striving for power. This is worse than going back to the hammer he used to be- this is becomming something...
Something bad. God, Cas, don't do this. Don't do this to him, or to yourself. He'll take the pain and the fighting, because nothing's worth that.
Maybe he's selfish. Or maybe he's just been through this life long enough to trust his gut, and his gut's screaming that this is wrong.
He met Cas's broken gaze, and good. Let it hurt, let it be broken, because at least he was goddamn feeling something for once. He hesitated, and then with a slow, pointed move, he stepped over the threshold of the panic room and moved into the danger zone. Cas's personal space, away from the protective ring of wards. If Cas wanted to, he could slam Dean up against a wall just like he'd done in that alley, could beat the ever loving shit out of him until he took down the wards and let the angel free.
He tried not to think about that, tried to believe Cas wouldn't do that, tried to trust him in spite of all the shit raining down. Because he had to believe it was still his friend in there, and not the idiotic, blind machine he was turning into.]
I don't want you to say anything. I want you to just stop for a second, stop thinking about your mission, about the world, and just feel. I know you've got a heart, I know for a fact that it's in there, I know who you are. And I know that if you'll just stop for just a second to listen to it, it's gonna tell you what you're doing is wrong.
Its all good! Sorry for the slow respnse holy_hand_printSeptember 14 2012, 04:20:11 UTC
[Castiel wasn't built to feel emotion. He was made to follow orders, and after meeting Dean Winchester he turned against his Brethren in heaven and stopped the apocalypse. He learned to feel, cared for the people around him and that was his greatest downfall. Castiel cared, would rather see himself burn then to risk Dean losing something else in this cruel world.
Dean, Please understand, hes doing this for you. Castiel will battle all of heaven, turn against his brothers once again just so you don't have to fight as well. Just so you have some peace with your new family.
Castiel is selfish as well. He doesn't understand why he just knows that he didn't want Dean involved. If there was any way to fight this war with out Dean knowing Castiel would of. He doesn't want Dean losing anyone else.
Damnit , Castiel just wants his Dean to be happy.
It is saying something that when Dean steps through the threshold to get close, Castiel doesn't move. He doesn't go to attack, he doesn't back away, he just stands there. Waiting for Dean. Always waiting for Dean. The angel closed his eyes, taking a deep breath when the hunter spoke. And after a beat he opens them and looks up at Dean.]
... I was never made with a heart, Dean. You are dreaming for something that isn't there. I am saving your kind. Understand that.
Same here- grandmother had health issues and I've been distracted forever. I'm so sorry!fromtherackOctober 6 2012, 23:36:59 UTC
[Dean doesn't have a new family. Dean doesn't have Lisa and Ben- not in the way that most people would in his situation. Not anymore, anyway, not after what he did to Ben. And it didn't matter- it had always been a hollow thing with them, lacking the deep pull and bond that he'd had with Cas and with Sam. He'd felt indebted to them, he'd felt responsible for them, and he'd cared about them viciously, but it just... He was never mean to have that life. And he's alright with that, as long as he's got Cas and Sam and Bobby. He's okay with that.
But now, this shit with Cas, and Sam's been fucked up for so long...
Dean is losing someone else. He's losing Cas. And that's just... un fucking acceptable. No.
His steps were slow and careful as he moved forward, stopping less than a foot from Cas, mouth drawn down in a pleading grimace. He just... he wasn't getting it. He wasn't listening.]
That's not true. We both know it. If you weren't made with a heart, you never would have prayed to spare that town. Just because your angelic dick brothers tried to squash it all outta you doesn't mean it wasn't there. You're not a goddamn robot, Cas, you're... Fuck, you're so much more than that.
[A beat, and he curls his hand around Cas's upper arm.]
If we're gonna save 'em, we do it together. You didn't want me back in- well too bad. I'm in, whether you like it or not, so you might as well get over it and let me help.
I hope your grandmother is alright. Sorry for my later response as well, im traveling. holy_hand_printOctober 16 2012, 17:30:54 UTC
[Castiel wanted so bad to retreat, to step away and disappear in his well know flutter of wings. Yet he was held in, trapped in the panic room because Dean cared and was trying to stop him. Damn it, Dean cared and it made this all the more difficult. The angel shifted in his spot, looking uncomfortable and watching Dean carefully like a horse with a history of abuse. ]
My prayers were useless in the end. God doesn't listen.
[The angel nearly sucked in a breath when he felt Deans hand curl around his arm. The spot... so close to the one where he marked Dean. His mark on the chosen man, his grace burned in to the soul. And then there was pain in his eyes, he looked wounded, his voice broken.]
Dean No. No. You can not do this, it is so beyond you- You can not help me.
She's much better. I hope your trip is fun.fromtherackOctober 16 2012, 23:57:21 UTC
[Yeah, well, this wouldn't be the first time Dean caring about someone made them pissed off, made them want to leave. Join the long line of people that had fucked off to get away from Dean's 'care', Cas. Try not to die in the process, because that seemed to happen to all of them, too.]
Doesn't matter. It's the point, man.
[Yeah. Cas looked wounded. He looked open. He looked real for the first goddamn time since he showed up all those months ago and told Dean he couldn't afford to feel things. Fuck that. That's not his Cas. This is.]
Beyond me? I stopped a friggin' apocalypse. I think I can handle it, and as always, thanks for your moral support, Mister Chrysler Building. Lemme know if my insignificance factors in again in the future. I can help you, Cas, if you'd stop being so god damn arrogant.
Im happy to hear it! Yes, its been lovely so far. holy_hand_printOctober 17 2012, 22:42:30 UTC
[It wouldn't matter, Castiel would be brought back to life as his punishment. He can never die it seems, every sin he makes brings him forward for further wrath. And Dean. Poor loving Dean. You have no idea how much Castiel really cares for you, wishes that you never discovered his treachery.]
It's my brother, the archangel Gabriel. He is a force to fear, his followers even more so. You can not ask me to put you in the line of fire again. I won't. You mean so much-
[The angel paused, wincing at the realization of what he was about to say. Castiel was arrogant, it was his downfall.]
....to the world. I can't risk your life so carelessly. Raphael would show no mercy.
[He throws his hands out wide, indignation bleeding off of him. This whole fucking thing has been jerking them around in circles, and it's like Cas is plugging his ears and going 'lalala I can't see the great big obvious fucking problem with this stupid, idiotic, selfish fucking plan!'
He jerks away from the angel and passes a hand over his face. Paces a few feet away toward the door and then stops again, back still turned.
They're fighting over him, over his involvement, and obviously he's not making any ground there. So maybe he'll switch tactics to the less selfish, more global issue.]
You don't get permission to unleash that kind of force into this planet. I don't care how big of a fucking angel you are, you're not allowed to put the entire fucking human race at risk, without knowing the consequences, just by virtue of being on the right goddamn side of a war. Just because no one can stop you doesn't mean no one should stop you. If you're prideful enough to think that you- hell- anyone- can hold in billions of souls without any negative repercussions, you need to seriously back up and reexamine your flaws, because I guarantee you they're going to be the first to be exploited by that kind of power.
<3 I put Gabriel when I meant Raphael. Stupid angels.holy_hand_printOctober 20 2012, 08:47:42 UTC
And I am not yours.
[Castiel grew quiet, staying in place as Dean stomped off across the room and turned his back to him. There were problems with the plan, yes, but what choice did he have? Raphael needed to be stopped. He needed to and there were no other solutions. No other way to get him to stop. Castiel was trying to win this war but his older brother had dragged him across the floor, made a fool out of him. He just wasn't strong enough on his own.
Castiel was between a rock and a hard place and he saw no way out with out being crushed to death.
The angel grew even more quiet as Dean ranted on about the damages and what would happened to Castiel when he did unleash purgatory. He lowered his head, shoulders slumping as his voice grew soft.]
Do you not think I've taken that in to consideration?
[The angels hands hung lifelessly by his sides, his eyes searching the ground.]
I am an angel of the lord. Chosen by him and resurrected time and time again. I can contain the power, and if I can not then I will make sure it is only I that it destroys. There is no other way, Raphael must be stopped.
<3 It's cool, dawg!fromtherackNovember 22 2012, 07:48:24 UTC
That's where you're wrong, god damn it!
[He can't help but shout it, jerk forward and point at Cas seriously.]
You are mine, you're--
[He cuts himself off and falters. Steps back, and rubs a hand over his mouth, weary of what he was about to say. To be honest, he's not sure. It came out before he realized his mouth was moving. His eyes hit the wall and he glares at the symbols spray-painted onto them.
God damn it.
Cas has taken it into consideration, and he's still planning to go through with it. That's all the answer Dean needs. He can't stay down here, can't keep trying to force Cas to see reason or change his answer. It's not going to happen. No matter what Dean says or does, no matter how hard he begs, no matter what.
That's what he was afraid of. He turns on his heel and stalks toward the door, shoulders tense and drawn and angry. He stops just before the threshold and turns, leveling the angel with a serious look.]
[The angels breath hitched a moment when Dean burst out, shouted at him that Castiel was wrong. A flash of hurt rang through the angels eyes. Luckily, always on the defensive the hunter cut himself short of what he really truly wanted to say. The angel grew grim. He watched Dean, watched him as he always did. A slight tilt in his head, his gaze ever so slightly narrowed.
No, focus Castiel. You can not allow your affection for Dean Winchester to cloud your judgment. This was for his benefit. So he could have a better life. Be safe. Why couldn't Dean see that this sacrifice was well worth it?
A frown crossed his lips, he was tense shifting the weight in his feet as Dean left the room. Left Castiel in his cage. When Dean declared that the angel must be stopped Castiel pushed the feeling of agony down to the pit of his stomach. He ignored the voice in his mind screaming to him 'No'. Castiel simply set his gaze, looking just as cold as Dean.]
[Cas was his, though. He didn't have many things that were really, truly his. Sam, his car, and that's... pretty much it. Cas, though- Cas was always his angel. His friend. His only friend. The only person he'd ever really...
Fuck. It didn't matter now. No matter what Dean felt, no matter how much he wanted to- not that they ever would have, because Cas-
It doesn't matter. Cas is on the opposite end of this battle, and he'll fight tooth and nail to make sure he bests Dean and severs all ties. He's leaving. It might not be to go to college, to search, to die, but this is the moment Cas leaves him. They always do.
You'd think he'd be used to it. As much as he reminds himself that it's the only inevitable outcome, you'd think it would suck less.
It doesn't.
He kicks the door to the panic room so hard, his toes ache in his boots, then slams it shut behind him. It's a struggle not to glance back through the open sneak window, but he manages to trudge upstairs without a backward glance.
He should just focus on something else. Finding a way to de-power Crowley, to end Raphael, anything, but all he can really find himself doing is glaring at a bookshelf and wondering where he's gone wrong.
It's nearly ten hours later when he decides he should bring Cas some food.
Not that the angel eats, but that's just what you do when you're keeping a prisoner captive. He's an angelnapper, he's not an asshole. There's a difference.]
[Castiel did belong to Dean. More then the Winchester could ever understand. It was part of the problem, really. Castiel was so loyal, so dedicated to the older brother that the angel put his own safety at risk. He placed his own morals on the line. Castiel didn't want to work with Crowley but if it meant once less battle that Dean Winchester would have to fight then Castiel was in. He was there. He couldn't let Dean fight his wars anymore, he just couldn't.
Not when Dean could be put at risk. Not when he could die.
Lord, hadn't this man suffered enough?
So the angel feigns indifference. He becomes cold, unflinching when Dean storms out of the room and kicks the door closed. He can hear the echos of the hunters angry stomps up the stairs through the roof of the panic room. Castiel gaze follows the sound of footsteps before they disappear on to the second floor.
And now Castiel was truly trapped. True to loyalty he didn't attempt to escape. Instead he stayed in the panic room, moving every so often as he thought about the current problems and risks that Raphael would bring upon this world. When Dean returned downstairs with a plate of food he would be walking in on Castiel sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands folded to his forehead and his eyes closed softly. He was praying silently, asking- no begging- for guidance from his father. Castiel was so lost he didn't know what to do. The angel prayed, and prayed, and then prayed some more before his eyes opened and he stared forward, not looking at the door.]
[If Dean truly understood that Cas was doing all of this for him, he might hate himself a little. Well... a little more. Everything he's ever tried to teach Cas, everything they've done together, all the morals he's learned and rebelled for... It's the complete opposite of this. It isn't Dean that's worth fighting for, it's humanity. It's keeping all these 'supreme forces' from making choices for humanity, and letting humans handle their lives. Their futures.
It's doing the right thing. It's doing good. Working with Crowley? Taking these chances? Taking these liberties, seizing them simply because he had the power to? That's... Dean's taught him wrong. He's done something wrong. Maybe if he'd tried harder with Cas, maybe if he took the time to sit down with the angel...
It's too late for that, now. Maybes aren't going to accomplish shit.
Dean wasn't surprised to see Cas praying. Even after God left, told them he didn't care, Dean's sure a part of Cas still thinks he had a hand in it all, in making sure they all lived to see and avoid the apocalypse.]
Yeah, well. Maybe you should every once in a while. I liked you better when you were going native.
[Really, the closest he's ever felt to Cas was when he was becoming human. Not that he'd ever wish for Cas to Fall, to lose his grace, not for Dean's sake, but... Well, if it weren't for all the shit happening then, if it weren't for Cas's suffering and feeling lost, maybe...
He just thinks things could have been good. Between them.
He strides into the room, once again pointedly ignoring the fact that on this side of the threshold, Cas could pretty much destroy him, and sits down on the edge of the bed. As far away from Cas as space will allow, but he's still there. He holds the plate out.]
I get that it's like nine at night, but breakfast is really all I can cook. And no matter what anyone says, it's always a good time for bacon.
[Stop thinking that way, Dean Winchester. Sometimes you can not save everyone, especially when they do not want to be saved. Castiel knew the risks, he knew what he was doing and he would still do the same because Dean was at risk, and when Dean was at risk the rest of humanity was as well.
Castiel couldn't allow Raphael to undo all the work 'team freewill' had suffered to fix. He wouldn't. The angel already messed up so greatly when he brought Sam back with out his soul, now it was time to fix things. It was Castiels responsibility. If he died in the process then... so be it.
The angel knew that God wasn't listening. He didn't know if his prayers were out of habit or for the fact he really truly hoped that God would help him one of these days.
It was a foolish belief, he knew.
Castiel narrowed his eyes when Dean said that. How could Dean say that? That time was absolutely miserable for the angel. There was nothing worse then feeling your grace slowly slip away inch by inch and being unable to do anything about it.]
Forgive me, that was not one of my favorite moments.
[The angel watched Dean cross the room once again trusting the fact that Castiel would not attack him. The hunter held out the plate to him and Cas took it, his eyes falling on the contents of his meal.]
[Dean would argue that he'd be at risk in both scenarios. Call him selfish, but losing his best friend is not something he's willing to risk. Aside from Sam, Cas was the most important person to him in the world. The difference? Sam was programmed to be that way. It was who he was. Cas was that way because Dean chose to let him be. That just doesn't happen with him. Not ever.
This can't be happening.
He's not going to let it.
He ducked his head at the narrowed eyes, guilt rushing through him immediately.]
Shit- not like that, Cas. It really... sucked, knowing how much that hurt you, how much you hated it. It's just- I don't know. You were becoming your own person, feeling shit and eating things and just... being around more. Really felt like...
[He shrugged a shoulder and leaned back on the bed, resting it against the metal headrest.]
Tell me what you want. Tell me anything else we can do, and I'll do it with you. Seriously. You want me to do a wrestling match with Death, I'm in. You want me to do naked yoga chant sacrifices to God or whatever, yeah, sure, I'm your guy. I'd let you wear my meatsuit up to heaven if you asked, I'm begging you. Find another way. Anything but this. This is the wrong path. You gotta trust me.
[It was a sacrifice Castiel was more then happy to make, if it meant that Dean would be safe. That the world would be. Dean Winchester meant more to Castiel then the angel could ever even fathom. Dean taught Castiel free will, the angel would gladly throw himself in the life of fire for the hunter.
Which was what he was doing now.
Cas poked at the bacon and eggs with his fork, focusing on the plate in front of him so he wouldn't have to look at Dean.]
I was falling.
[Castiel corrected.]
I was losing everything I had ever known. I was changing because I was being punished.
[The angel tried to ignore the guilt that settled in his stomach when Dean mentioned that Cas had been around more back then. Dean was happy with his family, or so Cas thought, the angel kept his distance for an entire year because he did not want to mess things up for the hunter. It seemed that it didn't matter because Castiel just managed to mess it up anyways.
Sighing, Cas placed the fork back down on the plate. The lengths that Dean was willing to go ... it was touching, really. But Castiel had to remain cold, cut the hunter off because this was for the good of world.]
There is no other way, please believe that. Raphael already destroyed me before. I'm not strong enough. This is the only option.
Something bad. God, Cas, don't do this. Don't do this to him, or to yourself. He'll take the pain and the fighting, because nothing's worth that.
Maybe he's selfish. Or maybe he's just been through this life long enough to trust his gut, and his gut's screaming that this is wrong.
He met Cas's broken gaze, and good. Let it hurt, let it be broken, because at least he was goddamn feeling something for once. He hesitated, and then with a slow, pointed move, he stepped over the threshold of the panic room and moved into the danger zone. Cas's personal space, away from the protective ring of wards. If Cas wanted to, he could slam Dean up against a wall just like he'd done in that alley, could beat the ever loving shit out of him until he took down the wards and let the angel free.
He tried not to think about that, tried to believe Cas wouldn't do that, tried to trust him in spite of all the shit raining down. Because he had to believe it was still his friend in there, and not the idiotic, blind machine he was turning into.]
I don't want you to say anything. I want you to just stop for a second, stop thinking about your mission, about the world, and just feel. I know you've got a heart, I know for a fact that it's in there, I know who you are. And I know that if you'll just stop for just a second to listen to it, it's gonna tell you what you're doing is wrong.
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Dean, Please understand, hes doing this for you. Castiel will battle all of heaven, turn against his brothers once again just so you don't have to fight as well. Just so you have some peace with your new family.
Castiel is selfish as well. He doesn't understand why he just knows that he didn't want Dean involved. If there was any way to fight this war with out Dean knowing Castiel would of. He doesn't want Dean losing anyone else.
Damnit , Castiel just wants his Dean to be happy.
It is saying something that when Dean steps through the threshold to get close, Castiel doesn't move. He doesn't go to attack, he doesn't back away, he just stands there. Waiting for Dean. Always waiting for Dean. The angel closed his eyes, taking a deep breath when the hunter spoke. And after a beat he opens them and looks up at Dean.]
... I was never made with a heart, Dean. You are dreaming for something that isn't there. I am saving your kind. Understand that.
[I'm saving you, damn it.]
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But now, this shit with Cas, and Sam's been fucked up for so long...
Dean is losing someone else. He's losing Cas. And that's just... un fucking acceptable. No.
His steps were slow and careful as he moved forward, stopping less than a foot from Cas, mouth drawn down in a pleading grimace. He just... he wasn't getting it. He wasn't listening.]
That's not true. We both know it. If you weren't made with a heart, you never would have prayed to spare that town. Just because your angelic dick brothers tried to squash it all outta you doesn't mean it wasn't there. You're not a goddamn robot, Cas, you're... Fuck, you're so much more than that.
[A beat, and he curls his hand around Cas's upper arm.]
If we're gonna save 'em, we do it together. You didn't want me back in- well too bad. I'm in, whether you like it or not, so you might as well get over it and let me help.
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My prayers were useless in the end. God doesn't listen.
[The angel nearly sucked in a breath when he felt Deans hand curl around his arm. The spot... so close to the one where he marked Dean. His mark on the chosen man, his grace burned in to the soul. And then there was pain in his eyes, he looked wounded, his voice broken.]
Dean No. No. You can not do this, it is so beyond you- You can not help me.
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Doesn't matter. It's the point, man.
[Yeah. Cas looked wounded. He looked open. He looked real for the first goddamn time since he showed up all those months ago and told Dean he couldn't afford to feel things. Fuck that. That's not his Cas. This is.]
Beyond me? I stopped a friggin' apocalypse. I think I can handle it, and as always, thanks for your moral support, Mister Chrysler Building. Lemme know if my insignificance factors in again in the future. I can help you, Cas, if you'd stop being so god damn arrogant.
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It's my brother, the archangel Gabriel. He is a force to fear, his followers even more so. You can not ask me to put you in the line of fire again. I won't. You mean so much-
[The angel paused, wincing at the realization of what he was about to say. Castiel was arrogant, it was his downfall.]
....to the world. I can't risk your life so carelessly. Raphael would show no mercy.
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[He throws his hands out wide, indignation bleeding off of him. This whole fucking thing has been jerking them around in circles, and it's like Cas is plugging his ears and going 'lalala I can't see the great big obvious fucking problem with this stupid, idiotic, selfish fucking plan!'
He jerks away from the angel and passes a hand over his face. Paces a few feet away toward the door and then stops again, back still turned.
They're fighting over him, over his involvement, and obviously he's not making any ground there. So maybe he'll switch tactics to the less selfish, more global issue.]
You don't get permission to unleash that kind of force into this planet. I don't care how big of a fucking angel you are, you're not allowed to put the entire fucking human race at risk, without knowing the consequences, just by virtue of being on the right goddamn side of a war. Just because no one can stop you doesn't mean no one should stop you. If you're prideful enough to think that you- hell- anyone- can hold in billions of souls without any negative repercussions, you need to seriously back up and reexamine your flaws, because I guarantee you they're going to be the first to be exploited by that kind of power.
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[Castiel grew quiet, staying in place as Dean stomped off across the room and turned his back to him. There were problems with the plan, yes, but what choice did he have? Raphael needed to be stopped. He needed to and there were no other solutions. No other way to get him to stop. Castiel was trying to win this war but his older brother had dragged him across the floor, made a fool out of him. He just wasn't strong enough on his own.
Castiel was between a rock and a hard place and he saw no way out with out being crushed to death.
The angel grew even more quiet as Dean ranted on about the damages and what would happened to Castiel when he did unleash purgatory. He lowered his head, shoulders slumping as his voice grew soft.]
Do you not think I've taken that in to consideration?
[The angels hands hung lifelessly by his sides, his eyes searching the ground.]
I am an angel of the lord. Chosen by him and resurrected time and time again. I can contain the power, and if I can not then I will make sure it is only I that it destroys. There is no other way, Raphael must be stopped.
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[He can't help but shout it, jerk forward and point at Cas seriously.]
You are mine, you're--
[He cuts himself off and falters. Steps back, and rubs a hand over his mouth, weary of what he was about to say. To be honest, he's not sure. It came out before he realized his mouth was moving. His eyes hit the wall and he glares at the symbols spray-painted onto them.
God damn it.
Cas has taken it into consideration, and he's still planning to go through with it. That's all the answer Dean needs. He can't stay down here, can't keep trying to force Cas to see reason or change his answer. It's not going to happen. No matter what Dean says or does, no matter how hard he begs, no matter what.
That's what he was afraid of. He turns on his heel and stalks toward the door, shoulders tense and drawn and angry. He stops just before the threshold and turns, leveling the angel with a serious look.]
No, Cas. You must be stopped.
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No, focus Castiel. You can not allow your affection for Dean Winchester to cloud your judgment. This was for his benefit. So he could have a better life. Be safe. Why couldn't Dean see that this sacrifice was well worth it?
A frown crossed his lips, he was tense shifting the weight in his feet as Dean left the room. Left Castiel in his cage. When Dean declared that the angel must be stopped Castiel pushed the feeling of agony down to the pit of his stomach. He ignored the voice in his mind screaming to him 'No'. Castiel simply set his gaze, looking just as cold as Dean.]
You are welcomed to try.
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Fuck. It didn't matter now. No matter what Dean felt, no matter how much he wanted to- not that they ever would have, because Cas-
It doesn't matter. Cas is on the opposite end of this battle, and he'll fight tooth and nail to make sure he bests Dean and severs all ties. He's leaving. It might not be to go to college, to search, to die, but this is the moment Cas leaves him. They always do.
You'd think he'd be used to it. As much as he reminds himself that it's the only inevitable outcome, you'd think it would suck less.
It doesn't.
He kicks the door to the panic room so hard, his toes ache in his boots, then slams it shut behind him. It's a struggle not to glance back through the open sneak window, but he manages to trudge upstairs without a backward glance.
He should just focus on something else. Finding a way to de-power Crowley, to end Raphael, anything, but all he can really find himself doing is glaring at a bookshelf and wondering where he's gone wrong.
It's nearly ten hours later when he decides he should bring Cas some food.
Not that the angel eats, but that's just what you do when you're keeping a prisoner captive. He's an angelnapper, he's not an asshole. There's a difference.]
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Not when Dean could be put at risk. Not when he could die.
Lord, hadn't this man suffered enough?
So the angel feigns indifference. He becomes cold, unflinching when Dean storms out of the room and kicks the door closed. He can hear the echos of the hunters angry stomps up the stairs through the roof of the panic room. Castiel gaze follows the sound of footsteps before they disappear on to the second floor.
And now Castiel was truly trapped. True to loyalty he didn't attempt to escape. Instead he stayed in the panic room, moving every so often as he thought about the current problems and risks that Raphael would bring upon this world. When Dean returned downstairs with a plate of food he would be walking in on Castiel sitting on the edge of the bed, his hands folded to his forehead and his eyes closed softly. He was praying silently, asking- no begging- for guidance from his father. Castiel was so lost he didn't know what to do. The angel prayed, and prayed, and then prayed some more before his eyes opened and he stared forward, not looking at the door.]
... You needn't do that. You know I do not eat.
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It's doing the right thing. It's doing good. Working with Crowley? Taking these chances? Taking these liberties, seizing them simply because he had the power to? That's... Dean's taught him wrong. He's done something wrong. Maybe if he'd tried harder with Cas, maybe if he took the time to sit down with the angel...
It's too late for that, now. Maybes aren't going to accomplish shit.
Dean wasn't surprised to see Cas praying. Even after God left, told them he didn't care, Dean's sure a part of Cas still thinks he had a hand in it all, in making sure they all lived to see and avoid the apocalypse.]
Yeah, well. Maybe you should every once in a while. I liked you better when you were going native.
[Really, the closest he's ever felt to Cas was when he was becoming human. Not that he'd ever wish for Cas to Fall, to lose his grace, not for Dean's sake, but... Well, if it weren't for all the shit happening then, if it weren't for Cas's suffering and feeling lost, maybe...
He just thinks things could have been good. Between them.
He strides into the room, once again pointedly ignoring the fact that on this side of the threshold, Cas could pretty much destroy him, and sits down on the edge of the bed. As far away from Cas as space will allow, but he's still there. He holds the plate out.]
I get that it's like nine at night, but breakfast is really all I can cook. And no matter what anyone says, it's always a good time for bacon.
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Castiel couldn't allow Raphael to undo all the work 'team freewill' had suffered to fix. He wouldn't. The angel already messed up so greatly when he brought Sam back with out his soul, now it was time to fix things. It was Castiels responsibility. If he died in the process then... so be it.
The angel knew that God wasn't listening. He didn't know if his prayers were out of habit or for the fact he really truly hoped that God would help him one of these days.
It was a foolish belief, he knew.
Castiel narrowed his eyes when Dean said that. How could Dean say that? That time was absolutely miserable for the angel. There was nothing worse then feeling your grace slowly slip away inch by inch and being unable to do anything about it.]
Forgive me, that was not one of my favorite moments.
[The angel watched Dean cross the room once again trusting the fact that Castiel would not attack him. The hunter held out the plate to him and Cas took it, his eyes falling on the contents of his meal.]
...This was unnecessary, but thank you.
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This can't be happening.
He's not going to let it.
He ducked his head at the narrowed eyes, guilt rushing through him immediately.]
Shit- not like that, Cas. It really... sucked, knowing how much that hurt you, how much you hated it. It's just- I don't know. You were becoming your own person, feeling shit and eating things and just... being around more. Really felt like...
[He shrugged a shoulder and leaned back on the bed, resting it against the metal headrest.]
Tell me what you want. Tell me anything else we can do, and I'll do it with you. Seriously. You want me to do a wrestling match with Death, I'm in. You want me to do naked yoga chant sacrifices to God or whatever, yeah, sure, I'm your guy. I'd let you wear my meatsuit up to heaven if you asked, I'm begging you. Find another way. Anything but this. This is the wrong path. You gotta trust me.
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Which was what he was doing now.
Cas poked at the bacon and eggs with his fork, focusing on the plate in front of him so he wouldn't have to look at Dean.]
I was falling.
[Castiel corrected.]
I was losing everything I had ever known. I was changing because I was being punished.
[The angel tried to ignore the guilt that settled in his stomach when Dean mentioned that Cas had been around more back then. Dean was happy with his family, or so Cas thought, the angel kept his distance for an entire year because he did not want to mess things up for the hunter. It seemed that it didn't matter because Castiel just managed to mess it up anyways.
Sighing, Cas placed the fork back down on the plate. The lengths that Dean was willing to go ... it was touching, really. But Castiel had to remain cold, cut the hunter off because this was for the good of world.]
There is no other way, please believe that. Raphael already destroyed me before. I'm not strong enough. This is the only option.
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