I was thinking a mix of 1 and 7 if that's okay? Before Sam jumped into the pit?hellunboundedMay 24 2012, 19:21:53 UTC
[There's a letter folded neatly in the seat compartment of the Impala with Dean's name written on it. Later, Bobby will find a letter his is desk, and Castiel a letter in his coat jacket. But this one's for Dean, and Dean alone.]
[So he kind of figured he wasn't supposed to see this until after-
Well.
But he had, so Sam's little plan fell through like he hoped to God the whole jumping into the pit thing would. He knew that was selfish, he really did, but losing his brother... losing him to Hell wasn't something he wanted. It was going to kill him.
He swallowed a lump in his throat as he read the letter over for the fifth time, took it all in again and again.
He'd give up everything to keep Sam right with him. He didn't care how fucked up it was. Part of him was angry, pissed at Sam for leaving him again, even if he knew why. The kid was good, even with all the dark. He was a good person, was trying his damnedest to fix his mistakes.
He took in a slow breath when he heard familiar footsteps getting closer and looked over, waving the letter in his hand.]
So... guess I ruined your little good-bye letter. Sorry, man.
[Sam had a bottle of beer in his hand, walking over to the Impala, planning on just...sitting and thinking. Taking the quiet when he could. The Impala's been his only home, apart from Dean. He won't be around much longer to appreciate it.]
[His footsteps slow down when he gets closer and notices Dean leaning against the car...with that letter in his hands. He exhales, feeling his heartbeat stutter.] You...weren't supposed to read that until - after. [He speaks quietly, a small distance away.]
Well, maybe you should've hidden it somewhere else then. [He sighed, a little too exhausted to even get worked up, too depressed. He was losing his brother, couldn't take care of him... God, he'd fucked up so bad with him.] So, what... did you think reading this would make me feel better or what?
Dean - [He sighs, and walks the short distance between them, leaning against the car next to him.] I don't know, man...it was supposed to...I don't know, bring closure or something? Make sure I didn't leave everything fucked up? [Make sure his brother didn't think Sam hated him, too.]
Closure... [He gave a snort.] Sammy, there ain't gonna be any closure, man. You're gonna-- [He was going to die,in all likelihood and Dean didn't know how to deal with that.] Anyway, I don't know why the hell you'd want to be like me any time, Sammy... I'm not a hero. I shouldn't be yours.
I...I know. [He looks down, fiddles with the bottle in his hands. He shrugs, tries to be nonchalant.] It was worth a shot, I guess.
[Sam does look up at that, more surprised that he probably should be. And now he's kinda angry himself.] Shut up, Dean. You've - you've been my hero since before I could fucking walk, man. [Seriously, who else is supposed to be his hero?]
And look where that's got you, alright? [His tone is harsher than he wanted it to be, angry... he knew he shouldn't be taking it out on Sam, ruining their last moments together, but--]
[Fuck. It hurt. He didn't want to keep living, didn't want to go on if it meant his brother was dying for it, if it meant he wouldn't be there. He let out a breath, tried to calm himself down.]
Sam... Look- [He gave a shrug, not sure what to say here or where to go with it. He wasn't good at this crap.] You're a pain in my ass and yeah, we've said a lot of shit to each other, but... I think helpin' raise you is still one of the best things I've ever done in my life. You got that?
[That first remark stings, and he's half-tempted to yell back at him to stop being such a self-deprecating sonuvabitch, but...no. He breathes out, takes a swig of his beer. He's not gonna fight with his brother. Not now. Not when...]
[At his last words, Sam thinks he's forgotten how to breathe. His heart staggering, and he's pretty sure he's gonna wake up any time now.] You can't - there are better things t-to be proud of, Dean. [His hands and voice shake a bit, because...fuck, Dean deserved a better little brother than him. One that he actually could be proud of.]
[Dean's never had a good defense against that tone of voice when it comes to Sam. It reminds him too much of when he'd been a kid, when he'd been scared or worried and Dean hadn't known how to handle it.] I know you've fucked up, Sam, and I ain't excusing it... but so have I, man. Fact is, there's... so much good in you, Sammy. I know I haven't given you credit for it, but it's there.
[The guy was giving his life to save the whole damn world if their plan went right and he wasn't even gonna get so much as a thank you from anybody.]
[Sam lets out a sort of...soft, choked-up sound at hearing Dean say he's good. Christ, after everything he'd done...he had no right to be told such a thing. Dean's so much better than him, in a million different ways. But Dean...Sam knows his lying voice, and he's not using it now. That's probably what astounds him the most.]
[Some tears sneak up into the corners of his eyes. Truth of it is, he's so emotionally raw and...scared. This is why he wanted Dean to see the letter after. So Sam could just suck it up and be strong. Like his big brother. He wipes the tears away with his shaking hand, looking down at the ground, his throat almost tight enough to block out air.]
[Dean tossed the letter back into the Impala and took a step closer, reached out for Sam because he didn't know what the hell else to do. He couldn't fix this, couldn't make it different for his brother. He'd failed in so many ways, keeping Sam safe, doing this damn job...
He let his hand rest against Sam's shoulder and squeezed it lightly.] No crying, dude.
M'not...m'not crying. [He mumbles, wiping the even stronger onslaught of tears when Dean touches him like that, like he used to, like they were brothers. He takes a deep, shaky breath, trying to reign in his emotions. Still not ready to look at Dean yet, afraid that he'll just collapse if he does, he asks in a quiet, very vulnerable voice:] ...do you still think I'm a monster?
That's a pretty shitty lie, Sam. [And he started to say he knew Sam could do better than that, but he bit back that comment. No sense ruining this- well, whatever it was.] What?
[The question caught him off guard a little and all he could was look at Sam a moment.] No, Sam... You're just- you're my brother. [His brother who was dying soon, in all probability. It was driving him crazy and half of him wanted to withdraw, save himself the heartache, but the rest of him wasn't unable. He never was good at keeping away from Sam...]
Reply
Hey Dean ( ... )
Reply
Well.
But he had, so Sam's little plan fell through like he hoped to God the whole jumping into the pit thing would. He knew that was selfish, he really did, but losing his brother... losing him to Hell wasn't something he wanted. It was going to kill him.
He swallowed a lump in his throat as he read the letter over for the fifth time, took it all in again and again.
He'd give up everything to keep Sam right with him. He didn't care how fucked up it was. Part of him was angry, pissed at Sam for leaving him again, even if he knew why. The kid was good, even with all the dark. He was a good person, was trying his damnedest to fix his mistakes.
He took in a slow breath when he heard familiar footsteps getting closer and looked over, waving the letter in his hand.]
So... guess I ruined your little good-bye letter. Sorry, man.
Reply
[His footsteps slow down when he gets closer and notices Dean leaning against the car...with that letter in his hands. He exhales, feeling his heartbeat stutter.] You...weren't supposed to read that until - after. [He speaks quietly, a small distance away.]
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
[Sam does look up at that, more surprised that he probably should be. And now he's kinda angry himself.] Shut up, Dean. You've - you've been my hero since before I could fucking walk, man. [Seriously, who else is supposed to be his hero?]
Reply
[Fuck. It hurt. He didn't want to keep living, didn't want to go on if it meant his brother was dying for it, if it meant he wouldn't be there. He let out a breath, tried to calm himself down.]
Sam... Look- [He gave a shrug, not sure what to say here or where to go with it. He wasn't good at this crap.] You're a pain in my ass and yeah, we've said a lot of shit to each other, but... I think helpin' raise you is still one of the best things I've ever done in my life. You got that?
Reply
[At his last words, Sam thinks he's forgotten how to breathe. His heart staggering, and he's pretty sure he's gonna wake up any time now.] You can't - there are better things t-to be proud of, Dean. [His hands and voice shake a bit, because...fuck, Dean deserved a better little brother than him. One that he actually could be proud of.]
Reply
[The guy was giving his life to save the whole damn world if their plan went right and he wasn't even gonna get so much as a thank you from anybody.]
There's nothing better to be proud of, alright?
Reply
[Some tears sneak up into the corners of his eyes. Truth of it is, he's so emotionally raw and...scared. This is why he wanted Dean to see the letter after. So Sam could just suck it up and be strong. Like his big brother. He wipes the tears away with his shaking hand, looking down at the ground, his throat almost tight enough to block out air.]
Reply
[Dean tossed the letter back into the Impala and took a step closer, reached out for Sam because he didn't know what the hell else to do. He couldn't fix this, couldn't make it different for his brother. He'd failed in so many ways, keeping Sam safe, doing this damn job...
He let his hand rest against Sam's shoulder and squeezed it lightly.] No crying, dude.
Reply
Reply
[The question caught him off guard a little and all he could was look at Sam a moment.] No, Sam... You're just- you're my brother. [His brother who was dying soon, in all probability. It was driving him crazy and half of him wanted to withdraw, save himself the heartache, but the rest of him wasn't unable. He never was good at keeping away from Sam...]
Reply
Leave a comment