The Intimacy Meme
The Intimacy Meme
(Shamelessly taken from... all the rest's and modified!)
Intimacy is the glue of any relationship, albeit romantic or friendship. It's getting to the root of humanity, and expanding upon ourselves and letting others in.
Rules:
1. Post with your character.
2. Go to rng and roll from 1-6.
3. Post to others.
4. Profit
Scenes:
1. First Kiss. ( Read more... )
(Shamelessly taken from... all the rest's and modified!)
Intimacy is the glue of any relationship, albeit romantic or friendship. It's getting to the root of humanity, and expanding upon ourselves and letting others in.
Rules:
1. Post with your character.
2. Go to rng and roll from 1-6.
3. Post to others.
4. Profit
Scenes:
1. First Kiss. ( Read more... )
[He means it as a joke, but he knows it's true in more ways than one, and he almost regrets saying it.
Almost, because there's no room for that shit anymore.]
I'm not gonna pull a Jimi Hendrix. I'm careful.
[He is. He really, truly is. He may have stared death in the face on countless occasions as an angel and actually been dead for a short period of time, but Cas is in no hurry to lose his life for good. The idea of dying, once and for all, no do-overs or reprieves from his Father? Absolutely terrifies him. Enough that if he thinks about it too long it sends him crawling to the closest available substance.
He has no eternal soul, nothing that could find a resting place anywhere... He's reasonably certain that when he dies, he'll just cease to be, and it's a difficult thought to stomach for a creature who's lived millennia and who, until a few years ago, had always assumed he'd be around indefinitely in one form or another. Never mind that he's seen his brothers fall- has killed some of them himself, in fact- as Castiel he'd always believe that they'd gone... Somewhere else. He'd taken it on faith.
He doesn't have that anymore.
He picks up the whiskey and takes another drink. It's time for that train of thought to stop. He's glad Dean hasn't jerked away yet; he likes the feel of something solid when his thoughts take a turn for the morbidly metaphysical. Sighing, he drops the bottle again, stares out into the dark, and changes the subject.]
It's quiet tonight.
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It's easy to be the best whiskey when you're the only bottle. It's like how you're our best spiritual leader.
[It's a joke and he tries to keep the bite out of his voice, but he's just so tired of everything.
Dean winces at the Hendrix reference. It's more concerning to him that Cas makes pop cultures references now than that he does so many drugs. Dean can remember so clearly a time when Cas would scowl at him and get angry about not understanding half of what Dean would say to him. He used to wish Cas would get his jokes, but he'd take back that wish in a second if he could.
Dean's not thrilled about dying himself. He's pretty sure Heaven is just gone and he remembers Hell. He remembers everything from before he broke and everything after and he doesn't know how he'll survive if that's where he's heading after all this, because he knows he'll break again and he knows where that road leads. He's already torturing demons up here, so there's no way he wouldn't do it again down there. He doesn't expect he'll even catch a break again.
As for Cas dying, he tries not to think about that. He doesn't really get all of this soul business or even what Cas is now, but the idea of Cas leaving him terrifies him and the idea of Cas going to Hell leaves his stomach cold. For all Dean knows, though, they're already in Hell. Maybe they all died months ago and no one noticed.]
Who'd've thought the end of the world would be this quiet? I always expected a bang or something.
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They don't, thought, and really that's the only reason he keeps it up. He used to be an angel for fuck's sake. He knows what's out there- or more accurately, what isn't, and it's not group mind or karma or release or any of that-- it's emptiness, as far as he can tell. But who wants to hear that?
As unsavory as it is, Cas can't even hold the torture against Dean at this point. It's not surprising, nor is it new- that'd been the first facet of Dean'd he'd ever been presented with, after all. It's necessary, as necessary as getting information out of Alastair had seemed, and in fact the only problem Cas has with it is what it does to Dean... Though it's not like they really have a choice. There's no easy answer.]
Better me than Chuck, he'd have us making daily offerings to the last package of toilet paper. Charmin Extra Strong is a cruel and capricious god, I've spared us that horror.
[And an absent one too... Something it and his Father seem to have in common these days...
Swatting at a bug, he keeps staring off into the treeline as if he expects a horde of croates to come busting through now that they've jinxed it.]
Mm. All the signs are here, I guess that's as much a bang as we're going to get.
[Aside from the bang of Heaven's gates closing to him, anyway. He tries not to dwell.]
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Dean snorts.] I fucking hated those bears.
[He's pretty sure Cas had never seen a Charmin commercial, even when they still had TV. Cas had been too busy back then for anything that human. It's scary to think about how much he's changed in just a few years.
Sometimes Dean wonders if the people in the camp are the only humans left on the planet. He wonders if every other person out there isn't a Croat already, or dead, and he's not even sure which sounds worse.
He shakes his head. Fuck the signs. Fuck the end of the world. It's not supposed to be like this. He was just supposed to hunt monsters, die young fighting some ghost or werewolf. The world was supposed to go on without him. He's not supposed to be important. Hell, if he thought Michael was still around, he'd say yes in a heartbeat now. His freedom is useless, he knows that much.
He takes a long drink.]
You ever think maybe it's already ended and we're already Dead?
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Cas hasn't... Given much thought to the rest of the world. If he did, though, he'd imagine there would be groups, other pockets of survivors probably led by other hunters out there somewhere. He at least believes that much- they can't be the only ones left.]
Hm.
[He pauses. Could they be dead? He'd be lying if he said he'd never entertained that thought. Granted, it's usually when he's high as a kite and having thoughts faster than he can logically shoot them down, but... Nah, he's definitely thought about it.
He's quiet, staring seriously into the dark for a few moments, trying to work things out in his dreadfully sober mind.]
It's crossed my mind. But... I don't think that's the case. Couldn't be.
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Dean tries not to think too hard about any of it most of the time. He's not sure what he even finds preferable right now. Maybe there's some Utopian city out there somewhere where people are gathering and Dean just doesn't know about it. Maybe on some other continent, they are rebuilding the human race. All Dean knows is what's in front of him and it's pretty crappy.]
You don't think Hell has new games to try out on us? Whips and chains have to get old eventually.
[Dean doesn't really think they're dean, because he figures even if Hell had decided to change over to psychological torture, they could do better than this. For one thing, there's no way they'd let him have Cas here if this was Hell. He leans his leg more firmly against Cas', just to make sure he's real. Still, he has to ask.]
What makes you so sure?
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I wouldn't put it past them, but...
[Well, Dean, now that you mention it, Cas feels precisely the same way, and the knee pressing against his really just cements the fact that this couldn't possibly be hell, as hellish as it is.
Hrm. How best to say it without turning this into a 'click flick moment', as Dean would call it... He can't really think of a way, but since he'd asked...]
I don't think so. If this were my hell, you wouldn't be here.
[Huh. Not as awkward as he'd thought it'd be. To him, anyway. He grabs the bottle and takes a long drink, hoping the display of manly alcohol chugging will lower the level of touchy feely... Though it's more for Dean's sake than his, he isn't particularly bothered by it.]
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Dean snorts.]
Is it the drugs or the humanity that turns you into such a girl?
[He moves to slap Cas's knee, but his hand kind of just winds up resting there instead. The alcohol must just be making him sluggish. And that feeling in his chest? Must just be from knowing Cas counts on him the way he counts on Cas. It's good to have a friend in all this, even if it is about the worst thing Dean can imagine short of actual Hell. It would be so much worse without Cas here.
Messed up as Cas is and as much as it hurts Dean to see him like this, every ounce of him is still Cas and Dean just knows that. And he knows this can't be heaven, because even with Cas here, it still sucks, so it's gotta be Earth. He knows it's selfish and he should wish Cas could be somewhere better, but he's so thankful Cas is here, even if he does steal all the hot women.]
They would definitely separate us, though, wouldn't they? I am not looking forward to going back there when this is over.
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He rolls his eyes.]
Must be the amount of time I spend with the women around here.
[And he doesn't steal them. He attracts them. It must be the sandals.
Dean's hand lands on his knee in what Cas is assuming is an aborted knee slap. He's fine with it there, and so he says nothing about it.
Of course he counts on Dean. Dean is the only constant, really, aside from the pain, and Cas knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he'd be well and truly fucked without him. He's their leader, yeah, but it's more than that- he's... He's Dean, and Cas can't imagine living this life without him. It's miserable now, sure, but it'd be unbearable without Dean, and Cas is sure that as a mortal he probably wouldn't have lasted even this long without his guidance. Dean's watched out for him, in his own grouchy way, since day one, kept him alive until he'd learned how to do it on his own. Protected him, though he hates the way that thought makes him feel like a damsel in distress.
Really, though, there's no better word for it- protection- something that's so clearly at the root of Dean's very nature... Which is why he's so surprised by the resigned way Dean says going back there, like it's certain, unavoidable. Cas frowns and turns to face him, expression serious. Intensely so, almost like before, just rougher around the edges and with a good deal more scruff.]
You're not going back there.
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Of course Dean protects Cas. How could he not? He's never really gotten over the guilt of knowing what Cas gave up for him, but even beyond that, Cas has been good to him and he owes it to the former angel to watch his back. Even now when he should really be pushing Cas away, he still favors him. He's not even sure if Cas knows how much Dean lets him get away with that no one else ever would. Even just some of the things Cas says to him would get anyone else a punch in the face.
Dean's taken aback at the look Cas gives him. It's almost like... before. It's fucking frightening and welcome all at once and Dean squeezes Cas' knee without meaning to.]
Cas, I--Where else am I going to go? You said Heaven's gone and even if it wasn't, I'm not--it's where I belong.
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Cas would likely roll his eyes at that guilt, considering it was his choice to stay here. Sure, part of it had been because he hadn't wanted to leave Dean alone here, but that wasn't the entire reason. He could never have gone back to Heaven, back to the way things were, knowing that everything he'd believed in was either a lie, or absent to the point that it didn't matter anyway. He'd have questioned every order, every law, until eventually he'd have ended up just like Anna. He'd have come crashing back down to earth eventually, he'd just figured he'd avoid that whole mess and stick around from the get-go.
Of course, he hadn't expected his grace to diminish so quickly, but... He likes to think he'd have stayed even if he'd known he'd end up a snarky, dried up husk of an angel.
And speaking of that snark... He knows. He knows exactly what he gets away with, just like he knows exactly how to toe that line to keep himself from being clocked in the jaw. He takes full advantage of it, actually, although he'd admit to sometimes taking it a bit too far. He's no different from the rest of the people here in that regard- he can't help snapping every once in a while. His temper isn't quite as bad as Dean's, but he's far from mild-mannered.
Dean's hand tightens around his knee, and under different circumstances it might be distracting... But not now.]
Heaven's closed to me. I don't know what that means for human souls, or where they go from here... But I do know that Hell is the farthest possible place from where you belong. That was the whole point.
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And toe that line, Cas does. Dean's nearly punched him more times than he can count, though if he were pressed for an answer right now, Dean couldn't tell anyone why. Dean knows his temper has gotten worse. He figures it's the stress of running things and how much more he's gotta push down, but he doesn't worry much. It keeps most people afraid of him and if they're scared, they'll listen. He knows Cas isn't scared of him, but Cas still listens and that's all that really matters.]
I hope you're right, 'cause I got a sinking feeling all the time that I'm already sinking.
[He sighs and takes another drink.]
Why do you have so much faith in me after all the shit you've seen me do?
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Cas listens because he knows, most of the time, Dean's right. Sure there have been occasions when he hasn't been so sure- and he'd had no problem voicing those concerns- but for the most part? It's a good bet that if something is risky or dangerous, it's a necessity. He trusts Dean not to put anyone in harm's way unless there's no way around it. That's why he listens.
Usually.]
You're not alone in that.
[He reaches for the bottle once Dean's set it down, rolls it over in his hands before taking a drink as he considers that question.]
Blind faith is in my nature, I suppose. [There's a beat and the flash of a grin to take the bit out of the words- he's kidding, obviously- before his face returns to seriousness.] It's because it isn't your nature, but you do it anyway because that's what it takes to keep us all alive.
[As far as that's concerned, what Cas feels for Dean is on the knife's edge between admiration and pity, though he'd never outwardly express either. He knows what it does to Dean to be this way, closed off and keeping everyone at arm's length- even him- but he just keeps on going, because the camp needs a leader. It's a sacrifice of the highest order, and maybe it's foolish, but Cas can't bring himself to believe that it's meaningless, even after all of this.
He takes another drink.]
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Can you even--can you wind up there?
[The idea of Cas there leaves Dean's stomach cold. He can't let that happen.
He shakes his head.] Man, I have never had faith in anyone, forget blind faith, 'cept maybe you and--[He isn't going to say his name.
The mutual pity-fest he and Cas have going on is kind of pathetic, but at least Cas deserves it. He's lost so much and for what?
Dean steals the bottle back.]
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[As far as he's aware... Although, given his track record, it's possible he could be the exception. He shivers involuntarily at the thought of what would happen to bits of an angel in hell... If he were sent downstairs, well... Some of his brothers are down there, the handful that had sided with Lucifer during the first big family schism, and he does not relish the idea of meeting up with them. They'd probably hate him even more than the angels that had left with Michael- not only did he forsake heaven, he'd sided with the humans, the creatures those angels had loathed the most. He doesn't imagine that'd go over too well...
Suddenly, the prospect of checking out for good after this doesn't seem quite as bad.]
Me?
[That's unexpected. He can't understand why, he'd been nothing if not fickle and inconsistent in his dealings with Dean for much of the time they'd known each other, and prior to his fall he'd probably have been appalled that Dean'd placed his faith in him and not in his Father... He isn't sure how he feels about it now, to be honest. If Dean'd had faith in him, it almost certainly had been misplaced.]
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[Dean doesn't even know enough to think about all the other shit that could be waiting down in hell. The demons and the torture he'd gone through were more than enough to terrify him in a way that no amount of posturing and emotional avoidance could totally clamp down on. He knows he'll always be afraid of going back there. He knows he'd break faster this time and then it would just be a matter of time before he becomes a monster himself.]
Of course you.
[Dean squeezes Cas' thigh.] After everything we've been through, you really think I never had faith in you? You were the only angel who ever cared about any of us. Who the fuck else was I gonna have any faith in? You always came through for us, even when it took a little while. Hell, you died trying to help me stop Lucifer from getting out. It was very... Winchester.
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