Goodbye ... Until We Meet Again

[huffpuffblonde]

GOODBYE MY FRIEND.

Goodbyes are inevitable. Maybe someone is moving away, maybe it's that final battle, maybe you can't stand to see this person any longer. They're leaving and this is your final chance to see them, final opportunity to say all those words you've been hiding away.

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[redinmyledger]

Natasha sighed as she saw the smile, but tears pricked the backs of her eyes and despite all her training to the contrary her first instinct had been to get on that cot next to him and wrap her arms around him. Instead she turned to perch on the edge of it, her back to him as she clasped her hands in her lap and just sat there in silence since he hadn't answered her.

When he was Stetson close contact had never bothered either of them. Somehow it had become a thing that they had both subconsciously sought out. She still remembered each and every embrace, or the way they held hands as they walked. The way he'd taken care of her when she was sick, or put up with her taking him to dinner every once in a while.

She could feel the change in the air around him, the way that it didn't sit the same way as it had when he had been... playing agent. She could see the way his skin seemed to hang off his fingers and reached to splay hers between them. His skin was cold to touch and she shivered involuntarily.

After a moment her back straightened and she shifted to lie down next to him as she lifted up his arm and pulled it over her to effectively make him spoon her without even asking. She kept a hold of his cold hand, pressing it to her chest so that he could feel her heartbeat if there was any doubt as to whether she was a hallucination or not. "I'm alive despite your best attempts. You always said you'd be the death of me. I suppose you were right in a way."

[justabitoffun]

Loki's jaw clenched tightly as she touched him; his teeth ground together till it hurt his mouth as she wrapped his arm around her as if it were natural. His eyes bore into the back, top of her head as he glared at her balefully. Yet, he did not make a move against her.

He counted the number of ways in which he could kill her right here and now without batting an eyelash; then imagined in detail how each scene would play out. After he'd reached number fifteen in his list he breathed out slowly and relaxed the tension in his jaw. He blinked languidly and looked away from her to stare blankly at the far wall where the door sealed them in together, alone, with no way to escape. Only when the guards opened it from the outside would she be able to leave. When she gave some signal or the guards called time on this little encounter...

The god stared forward, and did not answer the Black Widow in his reluctant embrace.

[redinmyledger]

Natasha shifted once more after she felt his gaze leave the back of her head. It was impossible not to feel the tension in his body or the way he had been staring at her. She returned his arm to him as she rolled onto her other side so that she could look at his face.

Fingers brushed back the long strands of hair from his face and she thought about when it used to be so soft, and well-groomed. Not a hair would have been out of place. It seemed like a lifetime ago.

Now when she looked at him she saw the god that had killed Tony. The god that had tried to enslave the world. The god that snuffed out her life without any sort of regret. At least that was how it had seemed.

She missed the man, she couldn't deny that. She missed the man that had watched The Lion King with her countless times.

She stayed on her side just studying his face and trying to work out if any of it had been real to him, or if it was just one big joke she couldn't see the funny side to yet.

[justabitoffun]

Loki's gaze did not shift when the Widow did. He refused to meet her gaze, and he failed to move even to readjust his returned arm to a more comfortable position or swipe away her invading hand. He'd shut down entirely.

What else was there in the face of this. He had no answers for her. He had nothing for her.

He was pretty sure he never had.

[redinmyledger]

"Loki..." Her voice cracked on his name, her eyes not leaving his face and her fingers not leaving his hair as she slowly worked on getting the tangles out.

She couldn't take him not looking at her. She could handle anything as long as she had some kind of inkling of how he felt. Hatred, anger, love, regret...

Whatever emotion it was, she just wanted something. "Please look at me."

[justabitoffun]

His eyes narrowed at her request and for the longest moment he continued to lay utterly still, disregarding her entreaty. Then his eyes slowly shifted to look her in the eye--but whatever she was hoping for she wasn't going to find. The god held no expression, no emotion leaked from his eyes nor facial muscles, he was utterly unreadable. He didn't so much appear to look at her as through her, past her, beyond her. Whatever he was focused on it wasn't in this room, and it certainly wasn't her or even the memory of her.

[redinmyledger]

As soon as she saw that look she really did wonder why she'd even come here. She'd been an idiot to think that something would have stayed the same. Or rather changed for the better. But instead of leaving, or turning her back to him she moved in closer and curled up against him, her head near his chest.

[justabitoffun]

Loki stiffened and for a moment he forgot to school his expression as the surprise took over. He had not expected this. She shouldn't have reacted in this fashion...not the fierce Widow. Anyone but the strong, intelligent Black Widow. She was beyond this.

It was...somewhat of an eye-opener. He realized then that no matter the person there were simply some things that could not be avoided or blocked out no matter how hard one tried. Loki was an expert at ignoring or pushing back emotions from any situation. But that was only denial that they existed in the first place.

If he could not show them for fear of being hurt then the least he could do was admit them to himself.

But most of his emotions were full of rage and pain and madness. Revenge and strife. Love and caring were overwhelmed by darker emotions.

His hand trembled slightly as he lifted it and carefully placed it at the Widow's back, just between the shoulder blades, gently, almost imperceptibly pressing into her as if to hold her. It was all he could manage.

Slowly, he began to relax.

[redinmyledger]

Truth was Loki was the only one she could mourn Stetson with. He was the only one that even knew what she'd lost. But he was Stetson. He was the man she loved, the man she'd spent months with. The man she'd opened her heart for.

And her killer.

Her fingers reached out slowly as they ran over the stitching in his clothing; just the area directly in front of her as she stared at his chest.

She was fierce and strong until it came to the fact that she had died at his hand. That she had given her heart to someone everyone assumed was a monster, perhaps even himself. He was a god and she was just a mortal. She meant nothing to him and that hurt.

How easy it would be to lash out and let him feel her anger but right then she just felt alone. She couldn't talk to anyone about this. About him. How was she supposed to explain to her teammates that she loved the Trickster? The only one who had a chance of understanding was Thor, but he was struggling himself with Loki's fate.

Her short nails scraped against his clothing and the room seemed to fill with nothing but that sound. Even her own heartbeat seemed distant and coming from somewhere else.