748. it's always darkest before dawn

[mememaker]

HURT & COMFORT RP [EXPANDED 2.0]
Hurt/Comfort - Hurt/comfort is a fan fiction genre that involves the physical pain or emotional distress of one character, who is cared for by another character. The injury, sickness or other kind of hurt allows an exploration of the characters and their relationship.

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[wherever_i_roam]

[Hell memories fro years ago didn't seem nearly as crippling as the shit that kept getting dumped on them. Sometimes it was like he's never left hell--everything is taken away, everything goes to hell just as quick as they can solve one problem, and look now... Sam's crumbling and he knows it. He knows something has to be up because he'll barely sleep, he gets those spaced out, terrified looks like he's seeing horrible, awful things and he is.]

[Bobby's gone, the last thing they had to ground them, to help them. Some days, it still seems so tempting to strap Sam in and drive the off a pier... except he's got to get revenge. Got to get to Dick and tie this up... that means he's got to deal with all this shit, has pull himself up and keep Sam going too.]

[Pulling himself up didn't include whimpering like a kid in sleep, but that's what he did. Some broken, sad little noise before his eyes finally darted open and he saw Sam there. He didn't quite register it though, not at first and not in time before he was grabbing at his brother's wrist painfully tight like he thought he might be attacked.] Sam...?

[He breathed the other's name out, eyes going wide and instantly, his hold loosened.] M'sorry...

[hellunbounded]

[If Dean were any other human being, Sam would've at least tried to get away at having his wrist held like that - he doesn't do well with anything around his wrists nowadays - but since this is so obviously his big brother, so Dean, Sam doesn't even flinch.] It's okay, Dean. [Sam's hand moves to the back of Dean's neck, squeezing it comfortingly.]

[Lucifer makes some snide remark about spooning, but Sam just ignores him, as hard as it is. He settles down next to Dean on the bed, not asking if he's okay, because he's obviously not. He just stays like that, an arm around Dean's back - careful not to be too restricting - until Dean calms down or decides to do something.]

[wherever_i_roam]

[Maybe any other day, he'd be complaining and telling Sam to quit being such a girl, but tonight? He lets him settle in next to him, doesn't protest the arm around him.]

[He focuses and tries to slow his breathing down, leaning into his brother, eyes squeezing shut briefly.] ... You weren't asleep, huh? [Easier to focus on Sam. It's always been easier to focus on Sam than what a mess he is, especially right now.]

[hellunbounded]

[Sam notices the way Dean squeezes his eyes shut - of course he does, he's never stopped studying Dean, never stopped admiring him, not for a second since he a kid - and instead pulls him in closer, leaning his chin on top of Dean's hair. The fact that Dean isn't bitching at this point is testament to how out of it Dean is.]

I don't blame you, you know. [For Bobby dieing, for Cas dieing, for the fact that Sam is just barely holding on by a thread. Sam thinks it's total bull that Dean feels guilty at all, but he knows how his brother's mind words. He knows what the nightmare was about.]

[wherever_i_roam]

[There's a broken little noise at that. Doesn't blame him, huh? He should. He knows full and well he's being pathetic right now and he really... doesn't have the right to do it when Sam's reliving Hell, when he has Lucifer back on his shoulder for all he knows.]

[He feels his eyes sting and he covers it up with a laugh. Pathetic enough without adding tears to the mix. He refuses to do that at least.] I haven't been able to do a damn thing, Sam... everything keeps getting worse, man.

[hellunbounded]

Doesn't mean it's your fault. [He speaks seriously, not moving from his spot. He feels Dean shake a bit with his choked laugh beneath him, and Sam feels his heart squeeze. Dean's always been like this, blaming himself for shit that he shouldn't carry, but that doesn't mean it's okay in Sam's book.] Dean - I need to you listen, here, because even I have my limit of chick flick moments. But this is important.

[wherever_i_roam]

[Just like it's natural for him to carry blame, to let everything weigh on his shoulders like he should be fucking infallible... it's natural for him to want to draw back, recoil from crap like this. He starts to draw away, though it's half-hearted at best. He doesn't have the energy right now to move too far and Sam freaking takes up half the bed anyway.] Sam, can we not? [But he has no doubt Sam will power on and say whatever he needs to anyway.]

[hellunbounded]

I could be dead tomorrow, Dean. Or a Leviathan could kill me in two days. Or... [Or Sam could be locked inside his own head, a drooling mess, in Hell for the rest of his life.] I shoulda said this before we went after Lucifer, before I jumped, but - [He shifts so that Dean can see his eyes, know that he's not just saying this for Dean's benefit, but because he means it.] You've never stopped being my hero, Dean. Not for a goddamn second. Not even when I was so pissed at you I said total crap. Dean, not even the shit you did in Hell made me admire you any less. [He should have said that years ago, back before seals and trust were broken.] Fine, you're not perfect - you're even a self-righteous, self-destructive pain in my ass - but that doesn't change the fact that you're my big brother. You have to get that, Dean. You've - you've just gotta.

[wherever_i_roam]

Sam, you're not gonna die... [And he couldn't fall apart on him, not now. Not after all this, he just couldn't, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.]

[Besides, Sam got him to shut up with 'Shoulda said this before we went after Lucifer' and that gets his stomach to twist a little nervously. Big confessions rarely go so well for them.]

[But what he does say... he's not sure how to feel about it. He doesn't see anything worthy of hero worship or admiration, but he can tell Sam's being sincere. He laughs, it's light and softer than earlier and he brings a hand up to rub over his face. Never thought he'd hear Sam say that crap again, honestly. Things had changed so much, they'd changed so much...] Hey, hey. You're- the pain in the ass. [He didn't have the capacity for anything better as a come back than that.]

[Well, crap. He reaches over to put a hand lightly on the side of Sam's face, a comforting little gesture, trying to make sure he was looking at hi.] I get it, Sam, I do... You're the only thing keepin' me going, you know? If you weren't here, being a pain the ass and making way too many Dick jokes, I don't know if I could... you know, get out of bed. Doing this crap for you. [Because leaving Sam alone wasn't an option, no matter what.]

[hellunbounded]

[Sam leans into Dean's hand a bit, very subtly - these little touches are rare but significant between them, and Sam always has and always will soak them up for what they're worth.] Good. I mean - good that you don't want to do this alone, either. I just don't want you to run off and leave me behind for your kamikaze Dick revenge extravaganza. [There's a lot Sam doesn't want, but more than anything he doesn't want Dean to leave him alone and get killed without him. Or just - leave him alone, period.]

[He makes a 'scoot over' motion with his hand, settling in under the covers like a five year old who's brother is pushing him off the edge. Sam might actually get an hour or so of sleep in this situation.] My Dick jokes are fuckin' hilarious. They are the shining beacon in your life. [His tones a bit lighter, but the way he presses into his brother's side gives a clear message: I'm not leaving you.]

[wherever_i_roam]

Leaving you ain't even an option, Sam. [No matter what. If they died? They died together. He wasn't even going to pretend anymore that one of them could go on without the other... at least not easily and honestly, probably not for long at all.]

[He's pretty sure if Dad had said Sam was too big at ten to have to share beds with his big brother anymore, then twenty-nine was beyond weird and ridiculous, but he scooted over to make room for his Sasquatch of brother anyway. It was a little different when your brother was seeing Hell and Lucifer and when you felt like you were mostly already dead. They could use the comfort, he figured, and this was about the only time he was going to be willing to let touchy-feely shit slide.] He snorted, cracking a smirk.] Whatever. I think you're just obsessed with dick, baby bro. It's okay if you got something, uh, buried in the closet you want to tell me, you know...

[He gets the message and he sighs, relaxing back as he lturns his head to watch Sam.] You doing okay, Sammy? [Closest he could get to asking if Lucifer was anywhere in the room.]

[hellunbounded]

[Sam smacks him on the upside of the head at that, grimacing, but good-naturedly.] Hey, at least I haven't impregnated any monsters this month.

[Sam quiets down a bit at that. Yeah, Lucifer's still in the room, but the flames aren't so bright, his laughter not so loud.] I'm... [He pauses.] Not great. Shit kinda happened after that case... [Sam remembers what his brother said, that everyone who's crazy and tries to hide it has to be dangerous. He slinks a bit lower into the bed, and edges away a centimeter or so. He doesn't...want to hurt Dean. He wouldn't do is on purpose, but he almost shot his brother once. He can't trust himself.]

[wherever_i_roam]

[That gets a watered down glare of his own.] Brat, she didn't have 'Monster' tattooed on her freakin' forehead! I just thought she was the normal type of hot chick!

[But the goodnatured bickering died down when Sam slides away a little, slinks down like that. Shit... he scooted closer and onto his side to face his brother, that hand back on his face to get him to look up at him, to remind him what was really real.] Talk to me, Sam.

[hellunbounded]

[Sam shifts his jaw, biting his lip a bit before remembering that probably isn't a good idea - he doesn't want to bite clean through it. We've done a lot more with pain, Sammy. A lip-bite wont cut it. Lucifer's voice teases his ear, and Sam instinctively reaches for his old hand wound to press on it, forgetting that Dean is so close to see.]

[But that doesn't work anymore. Lucifer's still standing there, ready to wake him up from his time with his brother. Since all pretenses are pretyt much gone for tonight anyway, Sam almost launches himself into Dean's body, digging his head into the crook of Dean's neck, tears stinging his eyes.] M'sorry, Dean, I fucked up, m'sorry - [Dean said he wouldn't leave him, but Dean - he doesn't know. How shitty it is, how unsafe he is to be around. Sam doesn't want him to leave, wants to cling to him forever, but he knows it's only a matter of time.]

[wherever_i_roam]

Sam, are you seeing him now? [He saw the way he was prodding at his hand after all. He gasped quietly when he suddenly had his overgrown brother curling into him, pressed in tight.] Sammy, hey... hey, shhh.

[Shit. He doesn't know what to do beyond rubbing a hand over his back soothingly, making quiet shushing noises.] We'll figure it out, Sammy... come on, he isn't real. He's not. He can't really hurt you, not anymore. He's not there. I am though and you know I ain't gonna let anybody near you, not gonna let anybody hurt you.

[hellunbounded]

[Sam takes short, gasping breaths, trying his best to calm down, trying his best to focus on the way Dean is touching him, not Lucifer. He quiets down a bit after while, but he still doesn't move from his position. God, he shouldn't be doing this to Dean, not when he so fucking obviously has enough on his plate.] M'sorry...

[Sam still doesn't move though, and he laces his fingers around Dean's shirt, his body tense, and afraid of so many different things for different reasons. He doesn't want to be like this to Dean, but he - he has to ask. Because if he lingers in his doubts, Lucifer will just use it against him later.] ...D'you think I'm like Jeffery?