Choices...
Over the last couple years, I've had to make alot of tough choices. I was so miserable, so lost, that I had to do something. Sometimes I made the right choices, sometimes not. I guess it's all trial by error. I dunno. In the prossess of trying to pull myself out of the slump I had fallen so far into, I had to push some people away. I had to stop letting their bullshit be part of my life, because lets face it, I have enough ofmy own. I didn't do it very gracefully though. Any of you who have known me for very long know that back in the day, I'd give anything to anyone with no questions asked. I just gave and gave. I also would listen to anoones problems, and stand by them to the end. I forgave everyone for everything, no matter what. Well, in my recovery from the horrile place I had gotten to in my life, I had to be selfish. I had to do what was good for me, regardless of others. I couldn't keep putting other people before myself, espessially those who had hurt me. I couldn't just keep letting things go on in a whirlwind around me. The si effect of this is that I lost alot of "friends". I say "friends" rather than friends because I have no idea whether these people really ever cared about me, or if I only cared about them. Truthfully, I am better off without many of them in my life. he only thing is, I wish that when I buped into them at the mall, or at a party, we could still smile at eachother and be happy to hear that eachother was doing well. Three of the people I'm talking about, all with the same name, coincidentaly, are people who I loved. People who even now, I'd help if I got a late night call that they were in need. People who I still worry about, and hope the best for. People I miss. It's haard to change. You have to lose to gain sometimes. I can honestlly say that right now I am happier than I can remember being since maybe my Jr. year in highschool, which is about 4 years ago. And even then, I was medicated. I am about the size I was when I started my senior year, the last time I was hapy looking in the mirror. I get along with my parents, all 4. I have a job that pays me what I deserve, and it looks like I'm going to graduate and transfer this summer. No love life per say, but I don't really even mind. Things are good. I just wish that the last times I had spent with those people I will probably never talk to again were as happy times as they could be now. I dunno, I'm just having one of tose reflective days, and I suppose this is an apology to those that I've hurt over the last few years. The only thing is, the people who I'd say it to, would never listen anyway...