Because You're Fat
Me: You know…you really remind me of someone…
Her: Really? Who…?
Me: I don’t know. That’s what’s bothering me. I can’t remember…
Her: Oh…
Me: Yeah…
Her: …..
Me: …..
Her: …..
Me: …..
Me: (overly excited) OH!
Her: What?
Me: I just remembered!
Her: What?
Me: The person that you remind me of! I just remembered!
Her: Oh! Really!? Who is it…?
Me: You remind me of a slightly less attractive version of this girl I used to know….her name was Marie.
Her: (looking like she is going to cry or else slap me) Oh…
Me: (trying to be as consoling as possible) …don’t be so upset…. It’s not like I think you’re ugly or anything…it’s just that Marie was REALLY good looking…
Her: (looking away) hmph….
Me: (angry) Jesus…listen…I think you’re cute too, ok? It’s just that…there's…levels…
Her: Levels?
Me: Yeah. Of cuteness.
Her: ???
Me: It’s like this. There are four levels of feminine beauty ok?
Her: ….
Me: There’s: ugly, moderately attractive, cute and finally, HOT.
Her: So---what? I’m ugly?
Me: No. No not all. You’re definitely moderately attractive.
Her: Gee thanks…
Me: (annoyed) Well…fuck. What do you want me to say?
Her: Nothing. Forget it…
Me: No---I’m serious. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to lie and say you’re pretty?
Her: No…I want you to lie and say I’m HOT!
Me: Oh…
Her: I don’t know how you have a girlfriend…
Me: Well for one…she actually is cute---so I don’t have to lie to her about that.
Her: (she just glares at me)
Me: (glaring back)
Her: You don’t know anything about women…do you?
Me: (lying) Listen. You couldn’t fit half the shit I know about women on a bookshelf.
Her: (knowing that I’m lying) whatever.
Me: Yeah. Whatever.
Her: …..
Me: …..
Her: Do you really think I’m ugly?
Me: I never said that!?
Her: Yes you did. You said I was ‘moderately attractive’.
Me: Yeah---but not ugly.
Her: What’s the difference?
Me: (losing all my patience) One is fuckable…the other isn’t.
Her: Oh…so that’s what it all comes down to?
Me: More or less.
Her: You’re such a typical asshole. Such a man.
Me: Fuck you.
Her: …..
Me: …..
Her: Why don’t you think I’m pretty?
Me: (getting up and walking away) because you’re fat.
Her: Really? Who…?
Me: I don’t know. That’s what’s bothering me. I can’t remember…
Her: Oh…
Me: Yeah…
Her: …..
Me: …..
Her: …..
Me: …..
Me: (overly excited) OH!
Her: What?
Me: I just remembered!
Her: What?
Me: The person that you remind me of! I just remembered!
Her: Oh! Really!? Who is it…?
Me: You remind me of a slightly less attractive version of this girl I used to know….her name was Marie.
Her: (looking like she is going to cry or else slap me) Oh…
Me: (trying to be as consoling as possible) …don’t be so upset…. It’s not like I think you’re ugly or anything…it’s just that Marie was REALLY good looking…
Her: (looking away) hmph….
Me: (angry) Jesus…listen…I think you’re cute too, ok? It’s just that…there's…levels…
Her: Levels?
Me: Yeah. Of cuteness.
Her: ???
Me: It’s like this. There are four levels of feminine beauty ok?
Her: ….
Me: There’s: ugly, moderately attractive, cute and finally, HOT.
Her: So---what? I’m ugly?
Me: No. No not all. You’re definitely moderately attractive.
Her: Gee thanks…
Me: (annoyed) Well…fuck. What do you want me to say?
Her: Nothing. Forget it…
Me: No---I’m serious. What do you want me to do? Do you want me to lie and say you’re pretty?
Her: No…I want you to lie and say I’m HOT!
Me: Oh…
Her: I don’t know how you have a girlfriend…
Me: Well for one…she actually is cute---so I don’t have to lie to her about that.
Her: (she just glares at me)
Me: (glaring back)
Her: You don’t know anything about women…do you?
Me: (lying) Listen. You couldn’t fit half the shit I know about women on a bookshelf.
Her: (knowing that I’m lying) whatever.
Me: Yeah. Whatever.
Her: …..
Me: …..
Her: Do you really think I’m ugly?
Me: I never said that!?
Her: Yes you did. You said I was ‘moderately attractive’.
Me: Yeah---but not ugly.
Her: What’s the difference?
Me: (losing all my patience) One is fuckable…the other isn’t.
Her: Oh…so that’s what it all comes down to?
Me: More or less.
Her: You’re such a typical asshole. Such a man.
Me: Fuck you.
Her: …..
Me: …..
Her: Why don’t you think I’m pretty?
Me: (getting up and walking away) because you’re fat.