Unforgivable
I didn't want to ever let this fic die. I still have some small hope that someday I will be able to continue it. (Think of it as in a very deep coma.)
I am currently learning to deal with my own trauma history and I don't think it's healthy (at least for the time being, possibly ever) for me to be exploring such similar things in my writing. I thought it was cathartic, but looking back it seems never to have helped things.
So I must leave you with what I have written so far for the next chapter and an assurance that it all works out in the end.
Chapter XI
Wolfram was woken in the middle of the night by his own sobs. He bit his tongue and tried to stop trembling until he got himself under control.
Yuuri was still sleeping soundly at his side. This was comforting.
They had fallen asleep right there on Greta's bed. Wolfram had a dim memory of half-waking to Yuuri trying to help him out of his uncomfortable pants. Remembered confusion and the beginning of a struggle-- just some squirming and a hand on the other boy's arm and a weak protest that came out as a sigh. Yuuri hadn't even noticed, as sleepy and disoriented as Wolfram was.
And of course Wolfram quickly realized that there was no need to fight or do anything at all. So he kissed Yuuri clumsily and was going to thank him but then Yuuri was tucking blankets over him as well and he was pulled back fully into sleep.
And then, sometime later, Anissina's tea must have worn off and now the pain of the nightmare had woken him.
In his dream Yuuri had been a child and crying, and Wolfram knew it was because his brother had hurt him and left him and Wolfram wanted to make it go away but there was nothing he could do because he didn't seem to exist in the dream. There was only Yuuri's tears, Yuuri's hurt-- only pain.
Now, wolfram shivered and shifted closer to his husband. Yuuri responded and tightened his arms around Wolfram's waist even in his sleep. Wolfram closed his eyes and focused on how good this felt.
He remembered the day before (or earlier that same day; Wolfram had no idea what time it was) as a haze of pain and relief. A strange kind of relief in which everything was far away and seemed so simple. With that tea warming his blood he'd felt no need or desire to examine his own thoughts or feelings, or even his words. He'd forgotten to hide things from Yuuri.
He'd forgotten not to be honest.
Wolfram almost laughed remembering some of the things he'd said. What Yuuri must have thought!
And what of the things he'd said earlier? The way he'd reacted to Yuuri's older brother and his hold on Yuuri...
When had Wolfram become this? So out of control that he forgot where he was or who was watching or what he must look like. So out of control that he had to be subdued with a powerful herb.
And despite how much he'd loved the way that herb had made him feel, it scared him now, not just because of the way he'd acted and the things he'd revealed, but because that same unconcern for censoring himself had kept him from paying much attention to-- or perhaps from being able to recognize-- Yuuri's reaction to it all.
He wouldn't find out until morning.
Yuuri had cried. Yuuri had said he didn't Wolfram if Wolfram didn't want him.
And Wolfram didn't know yet if that was true. Or what it meant, or if he wanted it to be true.
Why hadn't he asked?
It hadn't occurred to Wolfram to really doubt Yuuri. He remembered taking it for granted that Yuuri wanted him.
Wolfram didn't know how long he lay there wondering and thinking about how determined he'd been never to let Yuuri know...
There were so many things he'd never wanted Yuuri to know. Did he even have anything left to himself? Any part of him that wasn't laid open and raw for Yuuri?
At last, restless with too many thoughts-- all the kinds of thoughts he'd been so blessedly rid of yesterday-- Wolfram slipped from Yuuri's arms and went to the window, drawing back the curtains to see if it was anywhere near dawn.
The sky wasn't even turning grey yet. It was hard to tell here, though. It was never really dark in this world.
He looked back at Yuuri. The faint, endless light from outside fell across his face from where Wolfram had opened the curtain. He realized he wanted Yuuri to wake up, was even hoping to disturb his sleep. Was disappointed that his husband could fail even to stir at the loss of Wolfram from the small bed.
But Yuuri was so deeply asleep that Wolfram soon felt sorry for thinking of waking him. He must be tired, after all, from the journey between the worlds. And from everything Wolfram had put him through the day before...
Somehow, though, Wolfram didn't close the curtain. Instead, he sat on the floor, leaning against the wall by the window and guiltily waiting for Yuuri to realize he'd left his side.
Yuuri didn't wake until the rising sun had been shining on his face for some time. When he sat up, blinking, and saw Wolfram on the floor, his face fell into an expression of such disappointment that Wolfram almost felt it. "Are you okay?" Yuuri asked quietly.
Wolfram stood and walked over to the bed, arms crossed tightly over his chest. "Do you still want to be with me?"
Yuuri closed his eyes. "Of course I do."
"Even if I can't--"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
Yuuri's eyes snapped open. "Yes." There was a bite of frustration in his voice-- almost irritation. He was gripping the covers tightly in his fists. "It's you I want. Not your-- your body or..." He swallowed. "Nothing else is important."
But his eyes were too intent on Wolfram's face, and Wolfram got the feeling that he was trying very hard not to look down at his husband's bare legs.
That was alright. Wolfram could deal with Yuuri's lust. As long as Yuuri was still there.
Wolfram smirked.
Yuuri swallowed again.
Wolfram moved forward, kneeling on the bed, and took Yuuri's face in his hands.
He'd forgotten how this felt-- having the power to make Yuuri shake with need. He kissed him, softly at first but growing slowly more insistent.
Yuuri was resisting. He allowed Wolfram's tongue in his mouth, his teeth on his lips, but was holding himself still, utterly unresponsive.
So Wolfram moved his attention to Yuuri's neck, finally making him gasp at a bite on his shoulder.
"Wolfram--"
The wimp was about to protest. Wolfram lost no time in moving his hand down--
But Yuuri caught him by the wrist. "Wolfram, please..." The desperation in his voice only made Wolfram more determined to reach his goal, but the other boy kept his grip and Wolfram wasn't going to do anything Yuuri truly didn't want.
That didn't mean he was going to give up, though. He kissed Yuuri's neck again.
"Please don't do this," Yuuri said, more firmly this time. And, when Wolfram didn't stop, "I'm serious." He pushed Wolfram away and glared, though his eyes were still dark with arousal. "You know this isn't what I want."
Wolfram sat back. But he couldn't let this go. He wanted more. There was a deep pit in his chest that could only be filled by watching Yuuri want him. He suddenly felt he would never get enough of seeing how difficult it was for Yuuri to fight himself just to keep from touching him.
"Alright," said Wolfram after a moment. "But do this for me..." He leaned forward again, not enough to make Yuuri back away, but just enough to be closer to his ear. "Think of me. When you touch yourself, think about me."
"Oh, god," Yuuri groaned, shutting his eyes tight and making Wolfram grin with satisfaction.
More.
He moved closer and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Remember what it felt like." Wolfram almost shuddered with disgust at the memory of that night, but kept his voice steady. "Remember me moving inside you..."
Yuuri's every muscle was tensed, but he was still listening.
"Imagine being inside me," Wolfram went on. "Think about how good it would feel..."
Then he suddenly realized who he sounded like-- who had taught him to talk like this.
He stopped. Yuuri made a strange noise and opened his eyes. As soon as he saw Wolfram's face, his expression turned from desperate to frightened.
"Wolfram," he said shakily, "what's going on?"
Wolfram shook his head. This was all wrong. Everything was so wrong. "That's him... I sound like him..." He choked, shock turning to panic. "And I was doing it to you! Yuuri! I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't-- I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!"
"Shh," Yuuri hushed him. His voice was unsteady but still comforting as he took Wolfram's face in his hands. "It's okay, Wolfram. It's okay. I know you don't..." He sighed. "Your brother raped you and you--"
"He didn't rape me!" Wolfram shouted automatically, and shook his head free from Yuuri's hands. "I wasn't raped-- I wasn't--"
"Yes, you were." Yuuri's voice was thick with tears. "I'm sorry, but Conrad raped you."
"No..." said Wolfram faintly. "He loved me..."
Yuuri hugged him. Squeezed so tightly that Wolfram could barely breathe. Almost squeezed out the pain in Wolfram's chest.
"I'm sorry," Yuuri said again.
It wasn't true. It couldn't be. Yuuri just didn't know what happened. Conrad had only--
I never had a chance to fight.
Oh, God.
Suddenly it seemed incredible that Wolfram had ever managed to convince himself that he'd had a choice, that his brother would never do that, or that Wolfram would never let that happen to him.
Then he was angry. Angry at himself for letting it happen-- being a victim-- and at Conrad for doing it, but most of all at Yuuri for taking away the only comfort Wolfram had. Why couldn't he just leave it alone? What was his obsession with honesty?
Why did he have to tear down everything Wolfram had built to protect himself?
With Yuuri's arms still around him, though, Wolfram couldn't maintain his anger for longer than a moment. And when Yuuri kissed his face, the thought that Wolfram had been afraid of crept in:
Maybe he didn't need to protect himself from Yuuri.
Wolfram hid his face in Yuuri's neck. It was so tempting to feel safe. But how could he know what was safe anymore?
But Yuuri stroked his hair and said comforting things and how much he loved Wolfram and Wolfram didn't have the strength to keep holding back. He let himself cry. Unrestrainedly-- which he couldn't remember ever doing before, even when he was alone, even as a child. But Yuuri said it was alright so Wolfram didn't even try to stop.
"You have to breathe, though," said Yuuri, just as Wolfram felt he was breaking apart. Wolfram laughed and tried to take a gulp of air and choked and sobbed again.
But it got better. Slowly, Wolfram grew tired and his lungs insisted on breathing normally and then there was nothing but him and Yuuri.
Finally, Wolfram lifted his head. Found Yuuri still looking worried, eyes searching Wolfram's face, lower lip tucked between his teeth.
"Will you still kiss me?" asked Wolfram quietly. "I know you think I don't want--" He stopped. "But I always want to kiss you."
Yuuri smiled, and it was so beautiful that Wolfram was almost sorry when that mouth met his instead.
Almost.
* * *
Yuuri kissed Wolfram carefully, trying to keep himself from shaking out of fear he would do something wrong. Wolfram let him have control, so Yuuri was soft and slow. He wanted so badly to be whatever Wolfram needed right now.
And maybe he was. That was the other reason he was shaking. Hope. Hope that maybe this was it, that maybe this was Wolfram finally trusting him, Wolfram facing what had happened, Wolfram starting to get better.
So Yuuri was careful, and he stopped himself long before he wanted to. Broke away from Wolfram's hot, sweet mouth before he could begin to get carried away.
Wolfram didn't protest, for which Yuuri was grateful. Even though he now felt he was strong enough for anything. Anything, if only it might help Wolfram feel a little better.
Wolfram was looking at him in a way Yuuri hadn't seen in a long time. Heat and determination and hunger beyond anything physical. It made Yuuri blush, as it always had, even before he'd recognized it for what it was. It was the look Wolfram gave him when he said that maybe Yuuri wasn't such a wimp after all. A look he saw sometimes when he woke up after using his magic. It was desire and... admiration. Like Wolfram trusted Yuuri. Maybe didn't even need to protect him.
Even though it made Yuuri's stomach flip giddily, it was too much and Yuuri had to break eye contact before he died of blushing and suppressed excitement about what it might mean.
As he shifted his gaze, Yuuri's eyes fell on the mark he'd noticed yesterday on the side of Wolfram's face, now darkening into a bruise. He raised his hand and ran his fingers lightly over it. Wolfram didn't flinch.
"Are you ready to tell me where this came from?"
"It doesn't matter," said Wolfram.
Yuuri frowned. "Can't you just tell me?"
After a moment, Wolfram sighed, and said, "Alright. Your brother hit me."
"What?" Yuuri didn't know what he had expected to hear, but he felt a familiar rage building up inside him. He couldn't believe it... "When? Why?"
"Well, I guess he didn't think my face was too pretty for a closed fist--"
"Wolfram!"
"Well how am I supposed to know why? I don't understand anything he does!" Wolfram huffed, crossing his arms. "I told him we'd slept together-- which shouldn't have been a surprise, seeing as how we're married-- and he hit me for it." He paused, his jaw working, before adding, "Which I thought was a bit of an overreaction." Another pause. Wolfram's expression darkened further and he avoided Yuuri's eye. "That's when I said... what I said."
There was silence for a moment.
"I'm going to kill him," said Yuuri. He started to get up, so angry he could hardly see, but Wolfram grabbed his arm.
Yuuri looked at him in surprise.
"Can you..." Wolfram started. Swallowed visibly. "Can you do that later?"
Wolfram still wouldn't meet Yuuri's eyes, but Yuuri felt how tightly he was gripping his arm, so he pushed his anger away. Anything for Wolfram. "... Okay," he said. Leaned forward to kiss Wolfram's blushing cheek. "I'm sorry. I'll stay."
His husband nodded slowly. Yuuri waited for him to relax his hold on his arm, but instead Wolfram was still for a moment, then suddenly used it to jerk Yuuri forward and kiss him, hard.
It took Yuuri a few seconds to decide it was safe to kiss him back. To allow Wolfram's hands in his hair and on his shoulder, drawing him closer.
Then Wolfram made a noise. Moaned into Yuuri's mouth. And that sound was so inviting that Yuuri couldn't help himself.
He couldn't help the wild hope making him lightheaded and so hard--
He had to know. So Yuuri tugged Wolfram's hips forward, eliciting a small squeak of surprise.
But nothing had changed. Wolfram still didn't want him.
It was impossible to say who broke the kiss, but suddenly they were hardly touching. Only Wolfram's hands on his neck.
"Sorry," said Yuuri quietly, ashamed at how the disappointment was almost overwhelming. "I just thought... maybe..."
"It's okay." Wolfram kissed his cheek. "But... Yuuri, if it happens-- believe me-- You'll know." He gave Yuuri a smile. A flicker of teasing amusement in his eyes was gone in a second.
Yuuri flushed again and managed to return the smile.
Wolfram was here. More than that-- Wolfram was possibly letting Yuuri help him, and that was enough of a miracle in itself.
* * *
Greta's fathers had long since missed breakfast, and she was tired of waiting. She wanted to see Wolfram and she wanted to go home!
She knocked on the door to the bedroom which she supposed was not actually hers anymore-- even last night she'd spent on a futon in the living room next to Anissina. It was difficult, because she was carrying all the clothes Jennifer had just washed for her.
After a moment, Yuuri opened the door, smiling when he saw her. "Greta!" He took the pile from her arms immediately, causing a skirt to fall in the transfer. Greta picked it up as she entered the room and looked around for Wolfram. He, like his husband, was still in his sleep clothes. He was smiling at her.
Her face burned. She was pretty sure Wolfram didn't smile at anyone else quite the way he did her. "How are you doing?" she asked him.
"Better," he said, though softly, still smiling. "You?"
"Oh, I'm fine." She nodded as if to emphasize the point. "Glad to be going home." Gave him a smile full of the relief she felt. Though it really wasn't as bad as it had been before. Now that she already had Anissina back, the urge to return to her own world no longer seemed as great. She didn't feel as if it would kill her to stay here one more day.
Still, she was glad to see that Yuuri was putting her clean laundry in her trunk. As he straightened up, he said, "I'll go tell my parents we're going." He turned to Greta. "I'm assuming you want to leave right away?"
She nodded, and clutched the fallen skirt to her chest. It would be nice to be back where everything was familiar. Back in a world she understood.
"It looks like you might need another trunk," said Wolfram, as Yuuri left. He picked up a few of the things strewn on the floor.
"Jennifer wouldn't stop buying me things." Nearly all of it was clothes, most of which she had hardly worn because they made her feel so... exposed.
He smiled again. "Of course. Should have expected that."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Greta asked suddenly, surprising herself.
Wolfram looked at her quickly, his face blank with surprise. "Tell you?"
"About Conrad," she said, confidence growing as she remembered her indignation, "and what he did to you. Why didn't you tell me that it happened to you too?"
He still looked confused. It took him a long time to answer. "I never thought about it. I mean-- I didn't think it was the same thing-- and it isn't, really, even though you were right, what you said yesterday--"
"It's near enough!" she interrupted. "It would have helped! Do you know... how lonely I've been--" And then she was crying. Again.
"Oh, God," he said. "Greta-- I had no idea-- I'm so sorry..." He rushed to embrace her. "But you're not alone," he added, squeezing her tightly. "You have so many people who love you... You shouldn't feel-- Please don't be lonely. Don't. You don't need to do anything by yourself."
She cried harder. "Neither do you," she choked out.
Wolfram didn't answer.
* * *
When Yuuri was coming back up the stairs, he was faced with his brother. He'd forgotten, just for a little bit-- But now he remembered.
Yuuri growled. Had to keep himself from hitting Shouri right back.
It was strange to be so angry and yet not feel the power rising along with it... and he couldn't even shout, because their parents were in the next room.
Shouri looked at him in shock. "Yuuri, what--"
"You hit Wolfram," Yuuri hissed.
He'd half expected his brother to deny it, but instead Shouri hung his head. "Yes," he said. "I lost my temper. I'm sorry. But, Yuuri... I couldn't let him say those things about you--"
"Things like what?" Yuuri's fists were still shaking at his sides. There was no way Shouri could be sorry enough. "Like that I was gay? That I slept with my husband?"
"He doesn't respect you, Yuuri! He--"
"Stop it." Yuuri took a deep breath. "You keep telling me I shouldn't trust him, but obviously it's you I can't trust."
And he stepped past his brother, using all his will not to shove him out of the way. But Shouri caught his arm before he could go far.
"Yuuri--"
"Let me go," said Yuuri through gritted teeth.
Shouri only tightened his grip. "Just promise me you'll remember what I said last night. Keep an eye on him."
"I will," Yuuri answered. He was so angry... "I'll make sure you never come near him again." He tore himself away from Shouri's slackening grip and left his brother scowling after him.
* * *
Yuuri was sleeping, Greta had hurried off to settle in and see all the people she had missed, and Wolfram was sitting on the bed and watching his husband sleep, thinking hard.
As they were leaving Earth, Anissina had pulled Wolfram aside to say that if he didn't tell Gwendal, she would. There had been no mistaking what she meant. But before Wolfram could get angry about it, they were on their way home, and she had gone with Greta once they arrived.
It really wasn't fair. It was Wolfram's secret, Wolfram's past. No one else had the right to even know about it, much less tell anyone else.
Wolfram couldn't imagine telling Gwendal what Conrad had done. For so many reasons. It was just... unthinkable.
But wouldn't it be worse if he heard it from Anissina? She would probably exaggerate. She wouldn't be able to explain it properly. She didn't even know what she was talking about.
Hardly satisfying, I know, but it's what I have.
Thanks for being so patient and loyal and supportive. I'm sorry I couldn't deliver in the end.
I am currently learning to deal with my own trauma history and I don't think it's healthy (at least for the time being, possibly ever) for me to be exploring such similar things in my writing. I thought it was cathartic, but looking back it seems never to have helped things.
So I must leave you with what I have written so far for the next chapter and an assurance that it all works out in the end.
Chapter XI
Wolfram was woken in the middle of the night by his own sobs. He bit his tongue and tried to stop trembling until he got himself under control.
Yuuri was still sleeping soundly at his side. This was comforting.
They had fallen asleep right there on Greta's bed. Wolfram had a dim memory of half-waking to Yuuri trying to help him out of his uncomfortable pants. Remembered confusion and the beginning of a struggle-- just some squirming and a hand on the other boy's arm and a weak protest that came out as a sigh. Yuuri hadn't even noticed, as sleepy and disoriented as Wolfram was.
And of course Wolfram quickly realized that there was no need to fight or do anything at all. So he kissed Yuuri clumsily and was going to thank him but then Yuuri was tucking blankets over him as well and he was pulled back fully into sleep.
And then, sometime later, Anissina's tea must have worn off and now the pain of the nightmare had woken him.
In his dream Yuuri had been a child and crying, and Wolfram knew it was because his brother had hurt him and left him and Wolfram wanted to make it go away but there was nothing he could do because he didn't seem to exist in the dream. There was only Yuuri's tears, Yuuri's hurt-- only pain.
Now, wolfram shivered and shifted closer to his husband. Yuuri responded and tightened his arms around Wolfram's waist even in his sleep. Wolfram closed his eyes and focused on how good this felt.
He remembered the day before (or earlier that same day; Wolfram had no idea what time it was) as a haze of pain and relief. A strange kind of relief in which everything was far away and seemed so simple. With that tea warming his blood he'd felt no need or desire to examine his own thoughts or feelings, or even his words. He'd forgotten to hide things from Yuuri.
He'd forgotten not to be honest.
Wolfram almost laughed remembering some of the things he'd said. What Yuuri must have thought!
And what of the things he'd said earlier? The way he'd reacted to Yuuri's older brother and his hold on Yuuri...
When had Wolfram become this? So out of control that he forgot where he was or who was watching or what he must look like. So out of control that he had to be subdued with a powerful herb.
And despite how much he'd loved the way that herb had made him feel, it scared him now, not just because of the way he'd acted and the things he'd revealed, but because that same unconcern for censoring himself had kept him from paying much attention to-- or perhaps from being able to recognize-- Yuuri's reaction to it all.
He wouldn't find out until morning.
Yuuri had cried. Yuuri had said he didn't Wolfram if Wolfram didn't want him.
And Wolfram didn't know yet if that was true. Or what it meant, or if he wanted it to be true.
Why hadn't he asked?
It hadn't occurred to Wolfram to really doubt Yuuri. He remembered taking it for granted that Yuuri wanted him.
Wolfram didn't know how long he lay there wondering and thinking about how determined he'd been never to let Yuuri know...
There were so many things he'd never wanted Yuuri to know. Did he even have anything left to himself? Any part of him that wasn't laid open and raw for Yuuri?
At last, restless with too many thoughts-- all the kinds of thoughts he'd been so blessedly rid of yesterday-- Wolfram slipped from Yuuri's arms and went to the window, drawing back the curtains to see if it was anywhere near dawn.
The sky wasn't even turning grey yet. It was hard to tell here, though. It was never really dark in this world.
He looked back at Yuuri. The faint, endless light from outside fell across his face from where Wolfram had opened the curtain. He realized he wanted Yuuri to wake up, was even hoping to disturb his sleep. Was disappointed that his husband could fail even to stir at the loss of Wolfram from the small bed.
But Yuuri was so deeply asleep that Wolfram soon felt sorry for thinking of waking him. He must be tired, after all, from the journey between the worlds. And from everything Wolfram had put him through the day before...
Somehow, though, Wolfram didn't close the curtain. Instead, he sat on the floor, leaning against the wall by the window and guiltily waiting for Yuuri to realize he'd left his side.
Yuuri didn't wake until the rising sun had been shining on his face for some time. When he sat up, blinking, and saw Wolfram on the floor, his face fell into an expression of such disappointment that Wolfram almost felt it. "Are you okay?" Yuuri asked quietly.
Wolfram stood and walked over to the bed, arms crossed tightly over his chest. "Do you still want to be with me?"
Yuuri closed his eyes. "Of course I do."
"Even if I can't--"
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
Yuuri's eyes snapped open. "Yes." There was a bite of frustration in his voice-- almost irritation. He was gripping the covers tightly in his fists. "It's you I want. Not your-- your body or..." He swallowed. "Nothing else is important."
But his eyes were too intent on Wolfram's face, and Wolfram got the feeling that he was trying very hard not to look down at his husband's bare legs.
That was alright. Wolfram could deal with Yuuri's lust. As long as Yuuri was still there.
Wolfram smirked.
Yuuri swallowed again.
Wolfram moved forward, kneeling on the bed, and took Yuuri's face in his hands.
He'd forgotten how this felt-- having the power to make Yuuri shake with need. He kissed him, softly at first but growing slowly more insistent.
Yuuri was resisting. He allowed Wolfram's tongue in his mouth, his teeth on his lips, but was holding himself still, utterly unresponsive.
So Wolfram moved his attention to Yuuri's neck, finally making him gasp at a bite on his shoulder.
"Wolfram--"
The wimp was about to protest. Wolfram lost no time in moving his hand down--
But Yuuri caught him by the wrist. "Wolfram, please..." The desperation in his voice only made Wolfram more determined to reach his goal, but the other boy kept his grip and Wolfram wasn't going to do anything Yuuri truly didn't want.
That didn't mean he was going to give up, though. He kissed Yuuri's neck again.
"Please don't do this," Yuuri said, more firmly this time. And, when Wolfram didn't stop, "I'm serious." He pushed Wolfram away and glared, though his eyes were still dark with arousal. "You know this isn't what I want."
Wolfram sat back. But he couldn't let this go. He wanted more. There was a deep pit in his chest that could only be filled by watching Yuuri want him. He suddenly felt he would never get enough of seeing how difficult it was for Yuuri to fight himself just to keep from touching him.
"Alright," said Wolfram after a moment. "But do this for me..." He leaned forward again, not enough to make Yuuri back away, but just enough to be closer to his ear. "Think of me. When you touch yourself, think about me."
"Oh, god," Yuuri groaned, shutting his eyes tight and making Wolfram grin with satisfaction.
More.
He moved closer and lowered his voice to a whisper. "Remember what it felt like." Wolfram almost shuddered with disgust at the memory of that night, but kept his voice steady. "Remember me moving inside you..."
Yuuri's every muscle was tensed, but he was still listening.
"Imagine being inside me," Wolfram went on. "Think about how good it would feel..."
Then he suddenly realized who he sounded like-- who had taught him to talk like this.
He stopped. Yuuri made a strange noise and opened his eyes. As soon as he saw Wolfram's face, his expression turned from desperate to frightened.
"Wolfram," he said shakily, "what's going on?"
Wolfram shook his head. This was all wrong. Everything was so wrong. "That's him... I sound like him..." He choked, shock turning to panic. "And I was doing it to you! Yuuri! I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't-- I'm so sorry! I'm sorry!"
"Shh," Yuuri hushed him. His voice was unsteady but still comforting as he took Wolfram's face in his hands. "It's okay, Wolfram. It's okay. I know you don't..." He sighed. "Your brother raped you and you--"
"He didn't rape me!" Wolfram shouted automatically, and shook his head free from Yuuri's hands. "I wasn't raped-- I wasn't--"
"Yes, you were." Yuuri's voice was thick with tears. "I'm sorry, but Conrad raped you."
"No..." said Wolfram faintly. "He loved me..."
Yuuri hugged him. Squeezed so tightly that Wolfram could barely breathe. Almost squeezed out the pain in Wolfram's chest.
"I'm sorry," Yuuri said again.
It wasn't true. It couldn't be. Yuuri just didn't know what happened. Conrad had only--
I never had a chance to fight.
Oh, God.
Suddenly it seemed incredible that Wolfram had ever managed to convince himself that he'd had a choice, that his brother would never do that, or that Wolfram would never let that happen to him.
Then he was angry. Angry at himself for letting it happen-- being a victim-- and at Conrad for doing it, but most of all at Yuuri for taking away the only comfort Wolfram had. Why couldn't he just leave it alone? What was his obsession with honesty?
Why did he have to tear down everything Wolfram had built to protect himself?
With Yuuri's arms still around him, though, Wolfram couldn't maintain his anger for longer than a moment. And when Yuuri kissed his face, the thought that Wolfram had been afraid of crept in:
Maybe he didn't need to protect himself from Yuuri.
Wolfram hid his face in Yuuri's neck. It was so tempting to feel safe. But how could he know what was safe anymore?
But Yuuri stroked his hair and said comforting things and how much he loved Wolfram and Wolfram didn't have the strength to keep holding back. He let himself cry. Unrestrainedly-- which he couldn't remember ever doing before, even when he was alone, even as a child. But Yuuri said it was alright so Wolfram didn't even try to stop.
"You have to breathe, though," said Yuuri, just as Wolfram felt he was breaking apart. Wolfram laughed and tried to take a gulp of air and choked and sobbed again.
But it got better. Slowly, Wolfram grew tired and his lungs insisted on breathing normally and then there was nothing but him and Yuuri.
Finally, Wolfram lifted his head. Found Yuuri still looking worried, eyes searching Wolfram's face, lower lip tucked between his teeth.
"Will you still kiss me?" asked Wolfram quietly. "I know you think I don't want--" He stopped. "But I always want to kiss you."
Yuuri smiled, and it was so beautiful that Wolfram was almost sorry when that mouth met his instead.
Almost.
* * *
Yuuri kissed Wolfram carefully, trying to keep himself from shaking out of fear he would do something wrong. Wolfram let him have control, so Yuuri was soft and slow. He wanted so badly to be whatever Wolfram needed right now.
And maybe he was. That was the other reason he was shaking. Hope. Hope that maybe this was it, that maybe this was Wolfram finally trusting him, Wolfram facing what had happened, Wolfram starting to get better.
So Yuuri was careful, and he stopped himself long before he wanted to. Broke away from Wolfram's hot, sweet mouth before he could begin to get carried away.
Wolfram didn't protest, for which Yuuri was grateful. Even though he now felt he was strong enough for anything. Anything, if only it might help Wolfram feel a little better.
Wolfram was looking at him in a way Yuuri hadn't seen in a long time. Heat and determination and hunger beyond anything physical. It made Yuuri blush, as it always had, even before he'd recognized it for what it was. It was the look Wolfram gave him when he said that maybe Yuuri wasn't such a wimp after all. A look he saw sometimes when he woke up after using his magic. It was desire and... admiration. Like Wolfram trusted Yuuri. Maybe didn't even need to protect him.
Even though it made Yuuri's stomach flip giddily, it was too much and Yuuri had to break eye contact before he died of blushing and suppressed excitement about what it might mean.
As he shifted his gaze, Yuuri's eyes fell on the mark he'd noticed yesterday on the side of Wolfram's face, now darkening into a bruise. He raised his hand and ran his fingers lightly over it. Wolfram didn't flinch.
"Are you ready to tell me where this came from?"
"It doesn't matter," said Wolfram.
Yuuri frowned. "Can't you just tell me?"
After a moment, Wolfram sighed, and said, "Alright. Your brother hit me."
"What?" Yuuri didn't know what he had expected to hear, but he felt a familiar rage building up inside him. He couldn't believe it... "When? Why?"
"Well, I guess he didn't think my face was too pretty for a closed fist--"
"Wolfram!"
"Well how am I supposed to know why? I don't understand anything he does!" Wolfram huffed, crossing his arms. "I told him we'd slept together-- which shouldn't have been a surprise, seeing as how we're married-- and he hit me for it." He paused, his jaw working, before adding, "Which I thought was a bit of an overreaction." Another pause. Wolfram's expression darkened further and he avoided Yuuri's eye. "That's when I said... what I said."
There was silence for a moment.
"I'm going to kill him," said Yuuri. He started to get up, so angry he could hardly see, but Wolfram grabbed his arm.
Yuuri looked at him in surprise.
"Can you..." Wolfram started. Swallowed visibly. "Can you do that later?"
Wolfram still wouldn't meet Yuuri's eyes, but Yuuri felt how tightly he was gripping his arm, so he pushed his anger away. Anything for Wolfram. "... Okay," he said. Leaned forward to kiss Wolfram's blushing cheek. "I'm sorry. I'll stay."
His husband nodded slowly. Yuuri waited for him to relax his hold on his arm, but instead Wolfram was still for a moment, then suddenly used it to jerk Yuuri forward and kiss him, hard.
It took Yuuri a few seconds to decide it was safe to kiss him back. To allow Wolfram's hands in his hair and on his shoulder, drawing him closer.
Then Wolfram made a noise. Moaned into Yuuri's mouth. And that sound was so inviting that Yuuri couldn't help himself.
He couldn't help the wild hope making him lightheaded and so hard--
He had to know. So Yuuri tugged Wolfram's hips forward, eliciting a small squeak of surprise.
But nothing had changed. Wolfram still didn't want him.
It was impossible to say who broke the kiss, but suddenly they were hardly touching. Only Wolfram's hands on his neck.
"Sorry," said Yuuri quietly, ashamed at how the disappointment was almost overwhelming. "I just thought... maybe..."
"It's okay." Wolfram kissed his cheek. "But... Yuuri, if it happens-- believe me-- You'll know." He gave Yuuri a smile. A flicker of teasing amusement in his eyes was gone in a second.
Yuuri flushed again and managed to return the smile.
Wolfram was here. More than that-- Wolfram was possibly letting Yuuri help him, and that was enough of a miracle in itself.
* * *
Greta's fathers had long since missed breakfast, and she was tired of waiting. She wanted to see Wolfram and she wanted to go home!
She knocked on the door to the bedroom which she supposed was not actually hers anymore-- even last night she'd spent on a futon in the living room next to Anissina. It was difficult, because she was carrying all the clothes Jennifer had just washed for her.
After a moment, Yuuri opened the door, smiling when he saw her. "Greta!" He took the pile from her arms immediately, causing a skirt to fall in the transfer. Greta picked it up as she entered the room and looked around for Wolfram. He, like his husband, was still in his sleep clothes. He was smiling at her.
Her face burned. She was pretty sure Wolfram didn't smile at anyone else quite the way he did her. "How are you doing?" she asked him.
"Better," he said, though softly, still smiling. "You?"
"Oh, I'm fine." She nodded as if to emphasize the point. "Glad to be going home." Gave him a smile full of the relief she felt. Though it really wasn't as bad as it had been before. Now that she already had Anissina back, the urge to return to her own world no longer seemed as great. She didn't feel as if it would kill her to stay here one more day.
Still, she was glad to see that Yuuri was putting her clean laundry in her trunk. As he straightened up, he said, "I'll go tell my parents we're going." He turned to Greta. "I'm assuming you want to leave right away?"
She nodded, and clutched the fallen skirt to her chest. It would be nice to be back where everything was familiar. Back in a world she understood.
"It looks like you might need another trunk," said Wolfram, as Yuuri left. He picked up a few of the things strewn on the floor.
"Jennifer wouldn't stop buying me things." Nearly all of it was clothes, most of which she had hardly worn because they made her feel so... exposed.
He smiled again. "Of course. Should have expected that."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Greta asked suddenly, surprising herself.
Wolfram looked at her quickly, his face blank with surprise. "Tell you?"
"About Conrad," she said, confidence growing as she remembered her indignation, "and what he did to you. Why didn't you tell me that it happened to you too?"
He still looked confused. It took him a long time to answer. "I never thought about it. I mean-- I didn't think it was the same thing-- and it isn't, really, even though you were right, what you said yesterday--"
"It's near enough!" she interrupted. "It would have helped! Do you know... how lonely I've been--" And then she was crying. Again.
"Oh, God," he said. "Greta-- I had no idea-- I'm so sorry..." He rushed to embrace her. "But you're not alone," he added, squeezing her tightly. "You have so many people who love you... You shouldn't feel-- Please don't be lonely. Don't. You don't need to do anything by yourself."
She cried harder. "Neither do you," she choked out.
Wolfram didn't answer.
* * *
When Yuuri was coming back up the stairs, he was faced with his brother. He'd forgotten, just for a little bit-- But now he remembered.
Yuuri growled. Had to keep himself from hitting Shouri right back.
It was strange to be so angry and yet not feel the power rising along with it... and he couldn't even shout, because their parents were in the next room.
Shouri looked at him in shock. "Yuuri, what--"
"You hit Wolfram," Yuuri hissed.
He'd half expected his brother to deny it, but instead Shouri hung his head. "Yes," he said. "I lost my temper. I'm sorry. But, Yuuri... I couldn't let him say those things about you--"
"Things like what?" Yuuri's fists were still shaking at his sides. There was no way Shouri could be sorry enough. "Like that I was gay? That I slept with my husband?"
"He doesn't respect you, Yuuri! He--"
"Stop it." Yuuri took a deep breath. "You keep telling me I shouldn't trust him, but obviously it's you I can't trust."
And he stepped past his brother, using all his will not to shove him out of the way. But Shouri caught his arm before he could go far.
"Yuuri--"
"Let me go," said Yuuri through gritted teeth.
Shouri only tightened his grip. "Just promise me you'll remember what I said last night. Keep an eye on him."
"I will," Yuuri answered. He was so angry... "I'll make sure you never come near him again." He tore himself away from Shouri's slackening grip and left his brother scowling after him.
* * *
Yuuri was sleeping, Greta had hurried off to settle in and see all the people she had missed, and Wolfram was sitting on the bed and watching his husband sleep, thinking hard.
As they were leaving Earth, Anissina had pulled Wolfram aside to say that if he didn't tell Gwendal, she would. There had been no mistaking what she meant. But before Wolfram could get angry about it, they were on their way home, and she had gone with Greta once they arrived.
It really wasn't fair. It was Wolfram's secret, Wolfram's past. No one else had the right to even know about it, much less tell anyone else.
Wolfram couldn't imagine telling Gwendal what Conrad had done. For so many reasons. It was just... unthinkable.
But wouldn't it be worse if he heard it from Anissina? She would probably exaggerate. She wouldn't be able to explain it properly. She didn't even know what she was talking about.
Hardly satisfying, I know, but it's what I have.
Thanks for being so patient and loyal and supportive. I'm sorry I couldn't deliver in the end.