Unforgivable-- Chapter X, part 1
Title: Unforgivable
Author: Melusine
Beta: toshimalfoy
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: WolfYuu/Yuuram, Greta
Warnings this part: Issues of rape
Overall warnings: Angst, violence, incest, dubious consent, statutory rape, issues of rape
Spoilers: Through season 2.
Disclaimer: Kyou Kara Maou! and related characters, situations, etc. belong to Tomo Takabayashi and various other people/companies, none of whom are me. This is a fan work; no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: It's been seven years since Yuuri became the Demon King, proposed to Wolfram, and adopted Greta. When the relationship between Yuuri and Wolfram begins to shift, and Greta is attacked, everything changes and old wounds are exposed.
Part: 10/?
Chapter X
The road was hard-- wet-- and Wolfram arrived later than he'd wanted to. It was almost midnight when he crept into the royal bedchamber, splattered with mud and hoping to take a quick bath and slip into bed without waking Yuuri. But as he closed the door, something stirred in a far corner of the room. In an instant, he'd lit all the lamps in the room with his magic.
It was Yuuri. Sitting up and blinking at him. "Wolfram?"
"Yuuri!" Wolfram all but ran over to him. "Are you alright?" He knelt down before his husband. Yuuri was wearing his pajamas and a robe, his hair mussed like he'd been sleeping and his eyes wide.
He shook his head.
Wolfram's heart rate doubled for the second time in the space of a minute. He took Yuuri's face in his hands, cursing himself for leaving-- "What happened? Yuuri! What's wrong?"
Yuuri didn't answer for a moment, and Wolfram was ready to start shaking him before he said, "Are you really back?"
Wolfram gave him a small smile. "Of course I am, Wimp. Now tell me what happened. What are you doing on the floor?"
"Um," said Yuuri. "I was... sleeping here."
"What? Why?" Wolfram couldn't read Yuuri's face; he was avoiding his eyes.
"I don't like that bed..." Yuuri mumbled. "Without you..." He was on the verge of tears.
Wolfram kissed his cheek. "Alright," he said softly. "I'm here now."
Yuuri let out a sigh and let himself fall forward against him. "I missed you," he whispered. "And I can't-- I can't deal with... any of it-- Wolfram, you have to..." He trailed off.
He was so warm in Wolfram's arms. Warm and soft and smelling of Yuuri. "I have to what?"
"I don't know. Make it better. Tell me-- Tell me the truth."
Wolfram dropped his arms, letting go of Yuuri. "What do you mean?"
"I mean--" Yuuri's voice was shaking. "--I want you to tell me the truth! Stop lying and-- and keeping secrets!" He suddenly brought his hands up to push Wolfram away.
Wolfram stood up. "Look," he said. "I'm sorry if you're hurt that I didn't tell you before about.... But it's really none of your business."
"None of my business? Wolfram! You and Conrad are two of the most important people in my life! And you hid from me this-- this thing between you two and it's huge and I don't see how you can stand there and tell me it's none of my business when you slept with someone else and lied about it--" Yuuri seemed to stop for breath, but then looked up at Wolfram and shut his mouth at once.
"You think I slept with him?" said Wolfram quietly.
Yuuri bit his lip for a moment. "Didn't you?"
"No."
Yuuri's cheeks darkened. "Then why would Conrad say you did?"
Wolfram stared at him for a moment. "Conrad told you I slept with him," he repeated. Yuuri nodded. Wolfram fell to his knees once more to be on eye-level with Yuuri. "That's what he said? He didn't tell you what happened? He just said-- Yuuri, what were his exact words?"
"Uh," said Yuuri, looking a little alarmed. "He said, 'I had sex with him'." He looked away.
It took a moment for this to sink in. Wolfram stood again, turning away and shaking his head. "No. That's not what happened." He started pacing. "He didn't do anything with me. He did it to me. I didn't do anything." He'd done nothing-- let it happen-- "I didn't do anything except... lie there."
Yuuri's voice, small and frightened. "But he--"
"Yes." Wolfram couldn't look at his husband. "Yes, he fucked me."
"God, I'm sorry," said Yuuri, voice growing thick, and for a few moments neither of them spoke.
Wolfram kept pacing. Kept his head down. "What else did he tell you?" he said finally. "Did he tell you what made him stop?"
"Yeah," said Yuuri. "That was it. That was his answer, that he-- that he'd gone too far when he did that."
"And what made him think it was 'too far'? Did he tell you that?"
"I dunno... I guess he just sort of realized that what he'd done was really wrong."
"What he realized," said Wolfram quietly, "was that I was bleeding too much."
He could feel Yuuri's horrified stare. "You mean because he--"
Wolfram cut him off. Words like bile. "Because it wasn't what you think it was. He would never take the time to do everything I did for you, Yuuri. He just took what he wanted. And then, after he was finished, he bothered to pay attention to me and--" He had to pause to breathe. "I think he was afraid I was dying. I thought I was dying." Another pause, another breath. "He left me there--" bleeding and crying alone in his own bed trying not to feel or see or think or be-- "He came back with Julia."
"Julia knew?" Yuuri gasped.
"Why do you think he's so obsessed with her-- with you? It's because she knew the worst thing he'd ever done and she forgave him and loved him anyways."
"Did... Did she know all along?"
Wolfram shook his head quickly. "No. But he brought her in to heal me and he admitted everything. --Well, not everything. He still said it wasn't his fault because I had never said anything. He said I should have stopped him."
After a short pause, Yuuri asked, voice shaking with fear and emotion, "Why didn't you?"
Wolfram stared at him. Because that was The question, wasn't it? The question he'd asked himself a million times but was too afraid to answer.
Of course, the simple answer was that he didn't know he could. It had never occurred to him that he might have any control over what happened to him. He'd never thought of "no" as an option.
But it was more than that, Wolfram knew, and he didn't want to explore it. That part of him was gone. He wasn't the same person anymore, so it didn't matter.
He turned away from his husband. "We shouldn't have this conversation now. If you wear yourself out, it'll be Greta who pays for it."
"No!" Yuuri finally stood up. "Wolfram, you can't keep putting this off! The more you do, the worse things get, can't you see that? If you would just tell me-- I know it can't be easy for you, but if you'd just try-- we wouldn't keep having all these misunderstandings and I wouldn't have to go to Conrad just for some answers and I wouldn't have to wonder all the time whether you're still in love with him--"
"What?" Wolfram interrupted him. "What did you just say? Did you say 'in love with him'?"
"See! If you would just tell me--"
"I shouldn't have to tell you something like that!" Wolfram screamed. "How can you think I could love anyone but you? And he's my brother! It wasn't-- God, Yuuri, it wasn't like some sort of romance! It's not like we kissed and held hands and gazed into each others eyes! He touched me and I let him and I sucked his cock because he told me to and he fucked me and I didn't stop him. That's what happened, Yuuri." He was breathing hard-- could barely think for the fire inside his head-- "And it's over. It's been over for so many years. So why can't you just... leave it alone." Suddenly he was sitting on the floor, head in his hands, eyes squeezed shut.
There was silence for a moment. Then Yuuri said, his voice surprisingly close, "He never kissed you?"
"No." Conrad's mouth had been too busy calling Wolfram names... at the same time telling him he was too good and Conrad couldn't stop himself...
Now Yuuri was kneeling in front of him, warm breath in Wolfram's hair. "Am I the only person you've ever kissed?"
"Of course you are, you stupid wimp." Another pause. "You were jealous."
Yuuri hesitated. "Yeah."
"Idiot. Are you still jealous?"
More hesitation, this time longer... "I'm not envious. But I am..." His hands went, tentatively, to Wolfram's knees. "I do feel..." His grip tightened. "... possessive." Loosened. "... Is that okay?"
Wolfram looked up. Yuuri was biting his lip attractively, watching him with anxious dark eyes. Wolfram nodded.
Yuuri relaxed a little, but then drew back slightly and looked away. "There's something else I have to tell you," he said. He took a deep breath. "When I went to visit Conrad..." He paused. "He was drunk. He told me... some things. And... And he tried to kiss me." He swallowed. "And I almost let him."
"He what?"
"I'm sorry!" said Yuuri quickly. "And I don't know why I almost- I think I'm going crazy- but I didn't really want it, Wolfram, believe me-"
"He tried to kiss you," Wolfram repeated.
"I swear I didn't- I wouldn't-"
"I know you wouldn't, Wimp." Wolfram stood up. "And he should know that, too." He headed for the door.
Yuuri followed him. "Where are you going?" He still sounded slightly panicked.
"Where do you think I'm going? I can't let him get away with that."
"But he didn't."
Wolfram huffed as he stalked down the corridor. "So you didn't let him do it. That doesn't mean--"
"No, I mean Murata already punished him."
Wolfram paused, surprised. "How?"
"Well, Conrad's not allowed to be my personal protector anymore."
Wolfram started walking again. "That's a precaution, not a punishment."
"So what are you going to do?" Yuuri was still close behind.
Wolfram didn't answer.
"He already feels bad enough," said Yuuri. "He even asked to be stationed somewhere else."
Again, Wolfram stopped. Turned around. "He wanted to leave?"
"Um," said Yuuri. "I mean, I don't think he wanted to..."
Wolfram turned away from Yuuri and started running.
When he came to Conrad's door, he was surprised to find that Yuuri was still just a step behind.
"Yuuri, go away."
"No. I'm not going to let you--"
"I'm trying to protect you," Wolfram cut him off.
"Well, you don't need to protect me from Conrad."
Wolfram turned to face him again. Suddenly aware his cheeks were damp. "You don't know him."
"I do," said Yuuri. "I know how he is now. I know he cares about me." He was looking sadly at Wolfram. "And he cares about you, too."
Wolfram's mouth twisted. "So why did he try to take you away from me?"
"I think he thought you weren't coming back."
"That's ridiculous. Why wouldn't I come back?"
"Because... of what happened. And... and maybe you think you'd be better off without me."
Wolfram stared at him for a moment, then stepped closer. "You thought I wasn't coming back."
Yuuri bit his lip.
"But I said I would," said Wolfram.
His husband nodded. "I was just scared."
Another step, and Wolfram touched Yuuri's hot cheek. "Well, you shouldn't have been." He kissed him softly. "I could never leave you." He started to draw away, but Yuuri's hands were in his hair, keeping him close.
"Never?" Yuuri whispered. He sounded so scared.
Wolfram kissed him again. He couldn't think of anything else he could say to reassure his husband, so he kissed him until Yuuri broke away.
"What if I really messed up?" Yuuri asked quietly. "What happened... before you left... I didn't mean it-- I really didn't mean what you thought--"
Wolfram went for his mouth once more, this time to stop him from talking, but Yuuri avoided him. "Wolfram, I keep messing up. What if something like that happened again? Or something worse?"
Wolfram looked away. "How could it be worse?"
"I don't know," said Yuuri. "And obviously I'm not saying-- But I didn't expect any of this to happen, either, and I can never tell when I'm hurting you and I'm so scared I'll do something really bad and then I'll lose you like Conrad did--"
"He didn't lose me," Wolfram interrupted. "I'm not the one who left. He threw me away." He pulled free of Yuuri, remembering why they were here. "And now he's doing the same thing to you."
"What? No, he left because he was sorry for what he'd done--"
"He left because he couldn't fuck me anymore because Julia knew and so I was worthless to him."
"Even if that's true," said Yuuri slowly, "he wouldn't do something like that now."
"You don't know him!" Wolfram turned away, angry, ready to knock on his brother's door-- and do what, he didn't know-- but Yuuri caught his arm.
"Wolfram, please don't."
"Didn't I tell you to go away?"
"Just wait until tomorrow. Please? When you're more calm..."
"I'm calm enough--"
"You're crying."
Wolfram wiped his eyes. "Go away," he said again, though it sounded childish and pathetic.
"Not without you. Please, let's just go to bed."
Wolfram looked at him. He couldn't leave now. Not when the urge to protect Yuuri was so strong… Conrad had hurt Wolfram so much. He couldn't stand the thought of Yuuri feeling like that.
"I'm not just going to let him hurt you," he said.
"But, Wolfram…" Yuuri moved a little closer, both hands now on Wolfram's arm. "He can't. Not really. I mean… I have you. Right? And you… you make everything better."
Even if Wolfram had had something to say, he couldn't open his mouth to speak.
Yuuri smiled, and pulled gently on Wolfram's arm. "Come on."
So he followed dumbly after Yuuri, a hot feeling growing in his chest.
* * *
Yuuri had joined Wolfram in the bath because he didn't want to leave Wolfram alone-- and because Yuuri didn't want to be alone, either. But he was beginning to wonder if it had been a mistake, because it was very, very difficult not to get too excited about Wolfram naked next to him. But he had to control himself-- for a lot of reasons, but mostly because Wolfram didn't seem to be having any trouble at all.
Probably Yuuri disgusted him now.
But Yuuri couldn't think like that. Wolfram had come back. And he didn't seem to want to leave again, so Yuuri should be satisfied.
"Are you alright?"
Yuuri looked up quickly, then half-regretted it because Wolfram was so beautiful-- wet and flushed with the heat of the bath and looking at Yuuri like he was the only thing in the world that mattered... "Yeah," he managed, blushing furiously. "Sorry. I just..."
Wolfram kissed him. And that was it. Yuuri instantly lost the battle with his own body.
He should have known Wolfram would be able to tell what he was feeling. But Wolfram had made the first move. Surely that meant it was okay.
Then again, Wolfram had also made the first move back on Earth.
Yuuri couldn't bring himself to break the kiss, but swore silently that it would go no further. Like in the weeks before their wedding... Maybe that was what they needed. Back to the beginning. When they were happy.
Maybe Wolfram was thinking along the same lines, because after a few minutes he drew away.
"Bed?" said Yuuri, then blushed when he realized what it sounded like. "I mean, you must be tired."
Wolfram laughed a little and nodded. It was so good to see him-- well, maybe not completely happy, but at least not completely miserable.
And Wolfram was indeed tired, apparently, because he fell asleep almost immediately in Yuuri's arms and Yuuri got to watch him sleep...
It took a moment for Yuuri to remember that part of the reason the bed felt so comfortable-- aside from having Wolfram in it-- was that Yuuri had been sleeping on the floor. And then he remembered why he'd been sleeping on the floor.
He felt guilty for being relieved that Wolfram hadn't lied to him after all, that Yuuri was really his first everything in every way that mattered. But he couldn't help wanting to focus on that fact rather than thinking about what he now knew had happened... How it was worse than Yuuri had imagined... How Conrad had actually physically hurt Wolfram-- so badly that it was worth being exposed.
Yuuri held on to Wolfram more tightly and buried his face in soft hair.
... How obsessed Conrad must have been to go so far without noticing what it was doing to Wolfram, without even thinking...
How much he must have wanted Wolfram. How he might still want him.
Yes, Yuuri believed that people could change and that Conrad had changed. But Conrad had said himself that he still remembered... And Yuuri couldn't stand the thought of Conrad thinking about Wolfram that way. He didn't want anyone thinking about Wolfram that way. Only Yuuri was allowed to remember what Wolfram looked like when he was being touched... what he felt like... Only Yuuri was allowed to imagine--
He had to stop. Remind himself that he probably wasn't actually allowed to think about those things right now. He didn't want to take liberties with Wolfram, even in his own mind.
He thought instead about how he was going to stop Wolfram from going to see Conrad tomorrow. It was selfish, but then again he wasn't sure it would be a good idea for Wolfram to talk to his brother right now anyway. Surely there would be a better time, once Wolfram was more... What, stable? That wasn't quite right. It wasn't like Wolfram was crazy. If anything, it was remarkable that he was as okay as he was. Really the only time he seemed... damaged was when Yuuri accidentally did something terrible.
Then again, Yuuri had to remind himself, he didn't know what went on inside Wolfram's head. He was beginning to accept that Wolfram might never completely open up to him.
And that, Yuuri decided, was reason enough to wait before letting Wolfram face Conrad. Because Wolfram might well still be on the verge of falling apart. And usually Yuuri believed that two people with a bad history should try to talk it out, but not this time. Not right now. He was too afraid.
That was his excuse, anyway.
Wolfram made some strange attempt at his usual flailing in his sleep, but Yuuri was holding on too tightly and after a moment he settled down again.
Yuuri could insist they go to Earth right away. Visiting Greta would probably be distracting enough. And on Earth there was no Conrad. Nothing to remind Wolfram of his childhood.
Yuuri woke, as he usually did, before his husband, but delayed leaving for breakfast even after he was dressed. He didn't want to be apart from Wolfram, even for a little while. He also didn't want Wolfram to go rushing off to yell at Conrad before Yuuri had a chance to stop him.
But when the better part of the morning had passed, he decided Wolfram had slept long enough, and opened the curtains, causing Wolfram to stir and rub his eyes in the most adorable way.
"Good morning," said Yuuri, smiling his Wolfram-is-here smile, as Wolfram sat up, still yawning. Which was also incredibly cute.
It was so good to have him back. Yuuri never wanted to let him leave again.
Wolfram grunted sleepily in acknowledgement.
"Do you want to go see Greta today?" Yuuri asked.
It worked. Wolfram looked up immediately, suddenly fully awake. "Of course," he said, almost breathlessly. "When can we go?"
"As soon as you're ready," said Yuuri.
Wolfram practically jumped out of bed.
"Oh," said Yuuri, remembering. "Anissina wants to come, too."
Wolfram nodded, already fetching his clothes. "I know. Did you say yes?"
"Yeah. I mean, it might be good for Greta to have a friend."
There was silence for a few minutes, while Wolfram got dressed, before he replied, "It would also be good for her to come home."
Yuuri didn't answer. He didn't want to have this fight again.
But Wolfram seemed determined. "Don't you worry about her?"
"No," said Yuuri, not looking at him. "I can't worry whether she's okay because I know she's not."
"But what if she's worse than you think?" asked Wolfram quietly.
Yuuri crossed his arms and concentrated harder on looking away.
"Did Anissina tell you about the letter?"
Yuuri nodded shortly, not trusting himself to speak.
After a moment, Wolfram went on. "She hates it there. She... Yuuri, she needs us."
"We'll stay longer this time," Yuuri promised.
"But then we'll come back and leave her there again!"
"There's no choice," said Yuuri, for what felt like the millionth time. "It's the only way to make sure she's safe."
"She's not safe! Yuuri!" He grabbed Yuuri's face, forcing him to look at him. "She needs to be with people who know her-- who would know if she--" Wolfram swallowed. "If it's worse."
"What do you mean?" Yuuri whispered, suddenly scared. "How could it be worse?"
"She could try to hurt herself," said Wolfram quietly.
Yuuri shut his eyes. Tried to breathe through the panic.
"We can't leave her there," said Wolfram.
Slowly, Yuuri nodded. Then buried his face in Wolfram's shoulder.
There was so much. So much he didn't know how to deal with.
* * *
----------------
A/N-- RETCON: Thirty Is the New Forty
Based on feedback, some rethinking, and a sudden burst of common sense, I've decided to change the time line in the back-story. It's now approximately FORTY years ago that Conrad and Wolfram had their "history", rather than thirty. I think I originally wanted it to be about a decade before the war, but when I first did the math I failed to factor in the seven years that have passed since season 1 (when the war was twenty years ago). Anyways, Conrad and Wolfram's approximate and relative "ages" at that time are the SAME; I'm just trying to make those ages make more sense.
Um, I hope all that rambling wasn't too confusing. Basically, if you see a reference to "forty years ago", know that it's referring to the time I've been talking about with Conrad and Wolfram.
(Soon I will overcome my laziness and go back to change it in previous chapters.)
-----------------
Chapter X, part 2
Back to chapter IX
Back to chapter I
Author: Melusine
Beta: toshimalfoy
Rating: NC-17
Characters/Pairings: WolfYuu/Yuuram, Greta
Warnings this part: Issues of rape
Overall warnings: Angst, violence, incest, dubious consent, statutory rape, issues of rape
Spoilers: Through season 2.
Disclaimer: Kyou Kara Maou! and related characters, situations, etc. belong to Tomo Takabayashi and various other people/companies, none of whom are me. This is a fan work; no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: It's been seven years since Yuuri became the Demon King, proposed to Wolfram, and adopted Greta. When the relationship between Yuuri and Wolfram begins to shift, and Greta is attacked, everything changes and old wounds are exposed.
Part: 10/?
Chapter X
The road was hard-- wet-- and Wolfram arrived later than he'd wanted to. It was almost midnight when he crept into the royal bedchamber, splattered with mud and hoping to take a quick bath and slip into bed without waking Yuuri. But as he closed the door, something stirred in a far corner of the room. In an instant, he'd lit all the lamps in the room with his magic.
It was Yuuri. Sitting up and blinking at him. "Wolfram?"
"Yuuri!" Wolfram all but ran over to him. "Are you alright?" He knelt down before his husband. Yuuri was wearing his pajamas and a robe, his hair mussed like he'd been sleeping and his eyes wide.
He shook his head.
Wolfram's heart rate doubled for the second time in the space of a minute. He took Yuuri's face in his hands, cursing himself for leaving-- "What happened? Yuuri! What's wrong?"
Yuuri didn't answer for a moment, and Wolfram was ready to start shaking him before he said, "Are you really back?"
Wolfram gave him a small smile. "Of course I am, Wimp. Now tell me what happened. What are you doing on the floor?"
"Um," said Yuuri. "I was... sleeping here."
"What? Why?" Wolfram couldn't read Yuuri's face; he was avoiding his eyes.
"I don't like that bed..." Yuuri mumbled. "Without you..." He was on the verge of tears.
Wolfram kissed his cheek. "Alright," he said softly. "I'm here now."
Yuuri let out a sigh and let himself fall forward against him. "I missed you," he whispered. "And I can't-- I can't deal with... any of it-- Wolfram, you have to..." He trailed off.
He was so warm in Wolfram's arms. Warm and soft and smelling of Yuuri. "I have to what?"
"I don't know. Make it better. Tell me-- Tell me the truth."
Wolfram dropped his arms, letting go of Yuuri. "What do you mean?"
"I mean--" Yuuri's voice was shaking. "--I want you to tell me the truth! Stop lying and-- and keeping secrets!" He suddenly brought his hands up to push Wolfram away.
Wolfram stood up. "Look," he said. "I'm sorry if you're hurt that I didn't tell you before about.... But it's really none of your business."
"None of my business? Wolfram! You and Conrad are two of the most important people in my life! And you hid from me this-- this thing between you two and it's huge and I don't see how you can stand there and tell me it's none of my business when you slept with someone else and lied about it--" Yuuri seemed to stop for breath, but then looked up at Wolfram and shut his mouth at once.
"You think I slept with him?" said Wolfram quietly.
Yuuri bit his lip for a moment. "Didn't you?"
"No."
Yuuri's cheeks darkened. "Then why would Conrad say you did?"
Wolfram stared at him for a moment. "Conrad told you I slept with him," he repeated. Yuuri nodded. Wolfram fell to his knees once more to be on eye-level with Yuuri. "That's what he said? He didn't tell you what happened? He just said-- Yuuri, what were his exact words?"
"Uh," said Yuuri, looking a little alarmed. "He said, 'I had sex with him'." He looked away.
It took a moment for this to sink in. Wolfram stood again, turning away and shaking his head. "No. That's not what happened." He started pacing. "He didn't do anything with me. He did it to me. I didn't do anything." He'd done nothing-- let it happen-- "I didn't do anything except... lie there."
Yuuri's voice, small and frightened. "But he--"
"Yes." Wolfram couldn't look at his husband. "Yes, he fucked me."
"God, I'm sorry," said Yuuri, voice growing thick, and for a few moments neither of them spoke.
Wolfram kept pacing. Kept his head down. "What else did he tell you?" he said finally. "Did he tell you what made him stop?"
"Yeah," said Yuuri. "That was it. That was his answer, that he-- that he'd gone too far when he did that."
"And what made him think it was 'too far'? Did he tell you that?"
"I dunno... I guess he just sort of realized that what he'd done was really wrong."
"What he realized," said Wolfram quietly, "was that I was bleeding too much."
He could feel Yuuri's horrified stare. "You mean because he--"
Wolfram cut him off. Words like bile. "Because it wasn't what you think it was. He would never take the time to do everything I did for you, Yuuri. He just took what he wanted. And then, after he was finished, he bothered to pay attention to me and--" He had to pause to breathe. "I think he was afraid I was dying. I thought I was dying." Another pause, another breath. "He left me there--" bleeding and crying alone in his own bed trying not to feel or see or think or be-- "He came back with Julia."
"Julia knew?" Yuuri gasped.
"Why do you think he's so obsessed with her-- with you? It's because she knew the worst thing he'd ever done and she forgave him and loved him anyways."
"Did... Did she know all along?"
Wolfram shook his head quickly. "No. But he brought her in to heal me and he admitted everything. --Well, not everything. He still said it wasn't his fault because I had never said anything. He said I should have stopped him."
After a short pause, Yuuri asked, voice shaking with fear and emotion, "Why didn't you?"
Wolfram stared at him. Because that was The question, wasn't it? The question he'd asked himself a million times but was too afraid to answer.
Of course, the simple answer was that he didn't know he could. It had never occurred to him that he might have any control over what happened to him. He'd never thought of "no" as an option.
But it was more than that, Wolfram knew, and he didn't want to explore it. That part of him was gone. He wasn't the same person anymore, so it didn't matter.
He turned away from his husband. "We shouldn't have this conversation now. If you wear yourself out, it'll be Greta who pays for it."
"No!" Yuuri finally stood up. "Wolfram, you can't keep putting this off! The more you do, the worse things get, can't you see that? If you would just tell me-- I know it can't be easy for you, but if you'd just try-- we wouldn't keep having all these misunderstandings and I wouldn't have to go to Conrad just for some answers and I wouldn't have to wonder all the time whether you're still in love with him--"
"What?" Wolfram interrupted him. "What did you just say? Did you say 'in love with him'?"
"See! If you would just tell me--"
"I shouldn't have to tell you something like that!" Wolfram screamed. "How can you think I could love anyone but you? And he's my brother! It wasn't-- God, Yuuri, it wasn't like some sort of romance! It's not like we kissed and held hands and gazed into each others eyes! He touched me and I let him and I sucked his cock because he told me to and he fucked me and I didn't stop him. That's what happened, Yuuri." He was breathing hard-- could barely think for the fire inside his head-- "And it's over. It's been over for so many years. So why can't you just... leave it alone." Suddenly he was sitting on the floor, head in his hands, eyes squeezed shut.
There was silence for a moment. Then Yuuri said, his voice surprisingly close, "He never kissed you?"
"No." Conrad's mouth had been too busy calling Wolfram names... at the same time telling him he was too good and Conrad couldn't stop himself...
Now Yuuri was kneeling in front of him, warm breath in Wolfram's hair. "Am I the only person you've ever kissed?"
"Of course you are, you stupid wimp." Another pause. "You were jealous."
Yuuri hesitated. "Yeah."
"Idiot. Are you still jealous?"
More hesitation, this time longer... "I'm not envious. But I am..." His hands went, tentatively, to Wolfram's knees. "I do feel..." His grip tightened. "... possessive." Loosened. "... Is that okay?"
Wolfram looked up. Yuuri was biting his lip attractively, watching him with anxious dark eyes. Wolfram nodded.
Yuuri relaxed a little, but then drew back slightly and looked away. "There's something else I have to tell you," he said. He took a deep breath. "When I went to visit Conrad..." He paused. "He was drunk. He told me... some things. And... And he tried to kiss me." He swallowed. "And I almost let him."
"He what?"
"I'm sorry!" said Yuuri quickly. "And I don't know why I almost- I think I'm going crazy- but I didn't really want it, Wolfram, believe me-"
"He tried to kiss you," Wolfram repeated.
"I swear I didn't- I wouldn't-"
"I know you wouldn't, Wimp." Wolfram stood up. "And he should know that, too." He headed for the door.
Yuuri followed him. "Where are you going?" He still sounded slightly panicked.
"Where do you think I'm going? I can't let him get away with that."
"But he didn't."
Wolfram huffed as he stalked down the corridor. "So you didn't let him do it. That doesn't mean--"
"No, I mean Murata already punished him."
Wolfram paused, surprised. "How?"
"Well, Conrad's not allowed to be my personal protector anymore."
Wolfram started walking again. "That's a precaution, not a punishment."
"So what are you going to do?" Yuuri was still close behind.
Wolfram didn't answer.
"He already feels bad enough," said Yuuri. "He even asked to be stationed somewhere else."
Again, Wolfram stopped. Turned around. "He wanted to leave?"
"Um," said Yuuri. "I mean, I don't think he wanted to..."
Wolfram turned away from Yuuri and started running.
When he came to Conrad's door, he was surprised to find that Yuuri was still just a step behind.
"Yuuri, go away."
"No. I'm not going to let you--"
"I'm trying to protect you," Wolfram cut him off.
"Well, you don't need to protect me from Conrad."
Wolfram turned to face him again. Suddenly aware his cheeks were damp. "You don't know him."
"I do," said Yuuri. "I know how he is now. I know he cares about me." He was looking sadly at Wolfram. "And he cares about you, too."
Wolfram's mouth twisted. "So why did he try to take you away from me?"
"I think he thought you weren't coming back."
"That's ridiculous. Why wouldn't I come back?"
"Because... of what happened. And... and maybe you think you'd be better off without me."
Wolfram stared at him for a moment, then stepped closer. "You thought I wasn't coming back."
Yuuri bit his lip.
"But I said I would," said Wolfram.
His husband nodded. "I was just scared."
Another step, and Wolfram touched Yuuri's hot cheek. "Well, you shouldn't have been." He kissed him softly. "I could never leave you." He started to draw away, but Yuuri's hands were in his hair, keeping him close.
"Never?" Yuuri whispered. He sounded so scared.
Wolfram kissed him again. He couldn't think of anything else he could say to reassure his husband, so he kissed him until Yuuri broke away.
"What if I really messed up?" Yuuri asked quietly. "What happened... before you left... I didn't mean it-- I really didn't mean what you thought--"
Wolfram went for his mouth once more, this time to stop him from talking, but Yuuri avoided him. "Wolfram, I keep messing up. What if something like that happened again? Or something worse?"
Wolfram looked away. "How could it be worse?"
"I don't know," said Yuuri. "And obviously I'm not saying-- But I didn't expect any of this to happen, either, and I can never tell when I'm hurting you and I'm so scared I'll do something really bad and then I'll lose you like Conrad did--"
"He didn't lose me," Wolfram interrupted. "I'm not the one who left. He threw me away." He pulled free of Yuuri, remembering why they were here. "And now he's doing the same thing to you."
"What? No, he left because he was sorry for what he'd done--"
"He left because he couldn't fuck me anymore because Julia knew and so I was worthless to him."
"Even if that's true," said Yuuri slowly, "he wouldn't do something like that now."
"You don't know him!" Wolfram turned away, angry, ready to knock on his brother's door-- and do what, he didn't know-- but Yuuri caught his arm.
"Wolfram, please don't."
"Didn't I tell you to go away?"
"Just wait until tomorrow. Please? When you're more calm..."
"I'm calm enough--"
"You're crying."
Wolfram wiped his eyes. "Go away," he said again, though it sounded childish and pathetic.
"Not without you. Please, let's just go to bed."
Wolfram looked at him. He couldn't leave now. Not when the urge to protect Yuuri was so strong… Conrad had hurt Wolfram so much. He couldn't stand the thought of Yuuri feeling like that.
"I'm not just going to let him hurt you," he said.
"But, Wolfram…" Yuuri moved a little closer, both hands now on Wolfram's arm. "He can't. Not really. I mean… I have you. Right? And you… you make everything better."
Even if Wolfram had had something to say, he couldn't open his mouth to speak.
Yuuri smiled, and pulled gently on Wolfram's arm. "Come on."
So he followed dumbly after Yuuri, a hot feeling growing in his chest.
* * *
Yuuri had joined Wolfram in the bath because he didn't want to leave Wolfram alone-- and because Yuuri didn't want to be alone, either. But he was beginning to wonder if it had been a mistake, because it was very, very difficult not to get too excited about Wolfram naked next to him. But he had to control himself-- for a lot of reasons, but mostly because Wolfram didn't seem to be having any trouble at all.
Probably Yuuri disgusted him now.
But Yuuri couldn't think like that. Wolfram had come back. And he didn't seem to want to leave again, so Yuuri should be satisfied.
"Are you alright?"
Yuuri looked up quickly, then half-regretted it because Wolfram was so beautiful-- wet and flushed with the heat of the bath and looking at Yuuri like he was the only thing in the world that mattered... "Yeah," he managed, blushing furiously. "Sorry. I just..."
Wolfram kissed him. And that was it. Yuuri instantly lost the battle with his own body.
He should have known Wolfram would be able to tell what he was feeling. But Wolfram had made the first move. Surely that meant it was okay.
Then again, Wolfram had also made the first move back on Earth.
Yuuri couldn't bring himself to break the kiss, but swore silently that it would go no further. Like in the weeks before their wedding... Maybe that was what they needed. Back to the beginning. When they were happy.
Maybe Wolfram was thinking along the same lines, because after a few minutes he drew away.
"Bed?" said Yuuri, then blushed when he realized what it sounded like. "I mean, you must be tired."
Wolfram laughed a little and nodded. It was so good to see him-- well, maybe not completely happy, but at least not completely miserable.
And Wolfram was indeed tired, apparently, because he fell asleep almost immediately in Yuuri's arms and Yuuri got to watch him sleep...
It took a moment for Yuuri to remember that part of the reason the bed felt so comfortable-- aside from having Wolfram in it-- was that Yuuri had been sleeping on the floor. And then he remembered why he'd been sleeping on the floor.
He felt guilty for being relieved that Wolfram hadn't lied to him after all, that Yuuri was really his first everything in every way that mattered. But he couldn't help wanting to focus on that fact rather than thinking about what he now knew had happened... How it was worse than Yuuri had imagined... How Conrad had actually physically hurt Wolfram-- so badly that it was worth being exposed.
Yuuri held on to Wolfram more tightly and buried his face in soft hair.
... How obsessed Conrad must have been to go so far without noticing what it was doing to Wolfram, without even thinking...
How much he must have wanted Wolfram. How he might still want him.
Yes, Yuuri believed that people could change and that Conrad had changed. But Conrad had said himself that he still remembered... And Yuuri couldn't stand the thought of Conrad thinking about Wolfram that way. He didn't want anyone thinking about Wolfram that way. Only Yuuri was allowed to remember what Wolfram looked like when he was being touched... what he felt like... Only Yuuri was allowed to imagine--
He had to stop. Remind himself that he probably wasn't actually allowed to think about those things right now. He didn't want to take liberties with Wolfram, even in his own mind.
He thought instead about how he was going to stop Wolfram from going to see Conrad tomorrow. It was selfish, but then again he wasn't sure it would be a good idea for Wolfram to talk to his brother right now anyway. Surely there would be a better time, once Wolfram was more... What, stable? That wasn't quite right. It wasn't like Wolfram was crazy. If anything, it was remarkable that he was as okay as he was. Really the only time he seemed... damaged was when Yuuri accidentally did something terrible.
Then again, Yuuri had to remind himself, he didn't know what went on inside Wolfram's head. He was beginning to accept that Wolfram might never completely open up to him.
And that, Yuuri decided, was reason enough to wait before letting Wolfram face Conrad. Because Wolfram might well still be on the verge of falling apart. And usually Yuuri believed that two people with a bad history should try to talk it out, but not this time. Not right now. He was too afraid.
That was his excuse, anyway.
Wolfram made some strange attempt at his usual flailing in his sleep, but Yuuri was holding on too tightly and after a moment he settled down again.
Yuuri could insist they go to Earth right away. Visiting Greta would probably be distracting enough. And on Earth there was no Conrad. Nothing to remind Wolfram of his childhood.
Yuuri woke, as he usually did, before his husband, but delayed leaving for breakfast even after he was dressed. He didn't want to be apart from Wolfram, even for a little while. He also didn't want Wolfram to go rushing off to yell at Conrad before Yuuri had a chance to stop him.
But when the better part of the morning had passed, he decided Wolfram had slept long enough, and opened the curtains, causing Wolfram to stir and rub his eyes in the most adorable way.
"Good morning," said Yuuri, smiling his Wolfram-is-here smile, as Wolfram sat up, still yawning. Which was also incredibly cute.
It was so good to have him back. Yuuri never wanted to let him leave again.
Wolfram grunted sleepily in acknowledgement.
"Do you want to go see Greta today?" Yuuri asked.
It worked. Wolfram looked up immediately, suddenly fully awake. "Of course," he said, almost breathlessly. "When can we go?"
"As soon as you're ready," said Yuuri.
Wolfram practically jumped out of bed.
"Oh," said Yuuri, remembering. "Anissina wants to come, too."
Wolfram nodded, already fetching his clothes. "I know. Did you say yes?"
"Yeah. I mean, it might be good for Greta to have a friend."
There was silence for a few minutes, while Wolfram got dressed, before he replied, "It would also be good for her to come home."
Yuuri didn't answer. He didn't want to have this fight again.
But Wolfram seemed determined. "Don't you worry about her?"
"No," said Yuuri, not looking at him. "I can't worry whether she's okay because I know she's not."
"But what if she's worse than you think?" asked Wolfram quietly.
Yuuri crossed his arms and concentrated harder on looking away.
"Did Anissina tell you about the letter?"
Yuuri nodded shortly, not trusting himself to speak.
After a moment, Wolfram went on. "She hates it there. She... Yuuri, she needs us."
"We'll stay longer this time," Yuuri promised.
"But then we'll come back and leave her there again!"
"There's no choice," said Yuuri, for what felt like the millionth time. "It's the only way to make sure she's safe."
"She's not safe! Yuuri!" He grabbed Yuuri's face, forcing him to look at him. "She needs to be with people who know her-- who would know if she--" Wolfram swallowed. "If it's worse."
"What do you mean?" Yuuri whispered, suddenly scared. "How could it be worse?"
"She could try to hurt herself," said Wolfram quietly.
Yuuri shut his eyes. Tried to breathe through the panic.
"We can't leave her there," said Wolfram.
Slowly, Yuuri nodded. Then buried his face in Wolfram's shoulder.
There was so much. So much he didn't know how to deal with.
* * *
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A/N-- RETCON: Thirty Is the New Forty
Based on feedback, some rethinking, and a sudden burst of common sense, I've decided to change the time line in the back-story. It's now approximately FORTY years ago that Conrad and Wolfram had their "history", rather than thirty. I think I originally wanted it to be about a decade before the war, but when I first did the math I failed to factor in the seven years that have passed since season 1 (when the war was twenty years ago). Anyways, Conrad and Wolfram's approximate and relative "ages" at that time are the SAME; I'm just trying to make those ages make more sense.
Um, I hope all that rambling wasn't too confusing. Basically, if you see a reference to "forty years ago", know that it's referring to the time I've been talking about with Conrad and Wolfram.
(Soon I will overcome my laziness and go back to change it in previous chapters.)
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Chapter X, part 2
Back to chapter IX
Back to chapter I