one week more.
well. i survived another awful christmas. barely. but i made it.
but first lets backtrack a bit.
end of the year was whatever. that friend of mine. no idea whats up with her. a few months apart will probably be good for both of us. the whole situation confuses me really.
rest of the semester was whatever i suppose. was busy and running around and finals and juries and projects and whatnot. lost terribly at the concerto compeition. i think i am the only person to laugh that i had not made it to round two. it was inevitable.
did ok on my finals. some meetings when i return from my trip to discuss some grade changes, but that is to be expected. teachers are stupid. they just don't learn really.
anyway. not much else really happened, beyond the usual that is.
then we reach vacation. i am probably the only person on the planet who has dread when it comes to it. esp since i was forced to be at home for it.
so. i got home, and it was manageable...i spent as much time out of the house as possible. then everyone else came home and i was really out of the house. and at work and whatnot. home is dealable when i am out with friends. or even at work. thats how i survived most of the summer. not being home when anyone else was awake.
apparently, this is equivalent to "not doing anything" but whatever.
friday i had the interview with the philharmonic, should be hearing about that soon enough. friday night was fun. more fun times hanging with the peaches. and darth. and pirate gear.
ahh to go back to friday night....
i have spent some time debating if i should just forget about this weekend or write it down or just write it on paper and then burn it. but i decided to place it here. i don't really know why. convience i suppose.
so. saturday. christmas eve. its already a hard enough day when everyone you know is gone and going out is about as smart as standing on the race track at the indy 500.
so. i am home the entire day. this is a bad bad bad idea. my sister is asking, literally every 2 minutes if she can open something yet. this results in a constant series of no. we then advance. to later that night. i finally manage to kill the battery and recharge my ipod. but of course, it still doesn't want to work. it still manages to yell at me and say it cannot update or reformat in order to reload my music.
this means i have to go to omms. so i do. and this results from what could have been a rational conversation to an all out blow out of how i am "almost 20 years old and should act like an adult and that i should stop acting like such a bitch. and why don't i go back to my room so that no one bothers me and i don't disgust him" and that is the pleasent version.
in the end. i am once again locked into my room...and miserable.
we now advance to sunday. christmas day.
i wake up at 8:16...and i cannot talk, i don't feel well, and i am still annoyed by the night before. however, due to lack of voice i don't say anything to anyone and just go and sit in my spot in the living room. it is now 8:18...and the stero isn't working. this results in omms shoving my mom, she shoving back, and the throwing of the stockings. some yelling also insued.
we finally move past all of this and begin the ritual of opening gifts. by that i mean one person at a time. now its time for the final gifts. now, i open last. its an unspoken rule. but no. my sister cannot have this. and this becomes another 20 minute argument. i end up being forced to open first. this seems stupid, but it is bigger than it seems.
my grandparents are over so we go and have some breakfast. i still feel miserable and sick so i have hardly anything and get yelled at for it. and then resent into my room where i take some motrin and proceed to zone out to the tv and try to not think about anything.
my aunt and uncle then call and decide to come over. the doorbell woke me up. and now if i am somewhat sleeping during the day, we know something is wrong. but i didn't really register it all that well at the time. so omms comes barging screaming into my room that i need to get out and talk to people. now i must look awful at this point. becuase people keep asking me if i feel ok. however, omms just says that i am being a moody teenager and that no one should pay attention. i go out and sit on the chair and attempt to talk.
then the mug incident.
my aunt is the best gift giver ever. however, she brought a joint gift-popcorn and mugs. one is blue and one is red. i wanted the blue one. so did my sister. i now have the red one.
they leave and i am sent back into the abyss of my room. eventually we have to get ready to go to the movie. more yelling and screaming and whatever. same when we come back home.
now we are back and its "find food" this results in me not having dinner. and sneaking a pudding cup and mini muffins at 11 at night.
after the so called dinner. its hanukah disaster time. now. my mother miscounted. and i will be home the entire time. so instead of doing the odd nights, i get to do the even nights. since i missed it last year and i will be missing if for at least two more years.
my sister won't have this.
my mom was the one who told her she had to switch. and then omms decided that no, she doesn't have to and that i need to grow up. and realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and to stop being so selfish and self centered. and that i need to grow up. this "growing up" comment resulted when i swear i was calm, asked him why must i always compromise? why does my sister throw a fit and always manage to get what she wants, no matter what it is? he refused to answer and so i waited. he told me to grow up and start acting like an adult. and i told him fine. i am sitting here, calmly, like an adult, and waiting for an answer to my question.
this did not go over well.
my mother declared she was doing all the nights and my sister ran off into her room. i was eventually sent into mine. under strict orders to not leave it. and no one was allowed in the same corner of the house.
about a half hour later my sister opened the door shouted sorry and slamed it again.
more yelling.
she eventually came back and walked into the room and said sorry walked out and slamed the door.
more yelling.
and then this morning it was "back to how it was supposed to be" me doing odds and my sister doing the even.
and this furthur proves why i hate christmas and the whole season. everyone is fasly pleasent to one another. if you are going to be nice to someone, you do it all year long. its not like i am going to stop being nice to my friends just because its no longer "the season to be jolly"
christmas and easter. two worst weekends of the year. anyone who enjoys them, which is most of the known world, props to you. anyone who believes in the religious side of it, go right ahead. the two weekends end up with me being trapped and no where to go because the world shuts down.
my sister is nearly eleven and she acts as if she is about three. and this results in me being treated as if i was eleven. and not the "adult" they want me to be. if i speak i am in trouble. if i don't speak i am in trouble. if i walk away i am in trouble.
all i know is that i am going to have to find a way to go away for spring break. i am not staying home for a week when no one is home and those who are home have class all day. it just is not going to happen. it can't happen. i can't handle it.
but i will get stuck here i know it.
even today. i have been locked in my room the whole day. not allowed to leave. the moment i do, someone decides to be mad at me again because i am still breathing and i left my room.
people are mad because i have to go to work later. gah.
i did get some nice stuff for the holidays. however, i really cannot handle this house anymore. something has to change. i tried to change. it didn't work.
i mean. perhaps i am being selfish and concieted and acting like a child. i don't even know anymore. its all just a lot of yelling these days about stupid stupid things.
i really am ready to lose it and flip out and start screaming and cursing at people.
which will inevitably result in my death.
i did nearly get cut off this weekend. and by cut off i mean. having to find a way to pay my tutition.
i don't know. perhaps i just need to be an adult and learn to deal with it and find a way to not die this week.
ugh
writing didn't make it any better.
but first lets backtrack a bit.
end of the year was whatever. that friend of mine. no idea whats up with her. a few months apart will probably be good for both of us. the whole situation confuses me really.
rest of the semester was whatever i suppose. was busy and running around and finals and juries and projects and whatnot. lost terribly at the concerto compeition. i think i am the only person to laugh that i had not made it to round two. it was inevitable.
did ok on my finals. some meetings when i return from my trip to discuss some grade changes, but that is to be expected. teachers are stupid. they just don't learn really.
anyway. not much else really happened, beyond the usual that is.
then we reach vacation. i am probably the only person on the planet who has dread when it comes to it. esp since i was forced to be at home for it.
so. i got home, and it was manageable...i spent as much time out of the house as possible. then everyone else came home and i was really out of the house. and at work and whatnot. home is dealable when i am out with friends. or even at work. thats how i survived most of the summer. not being home when anyone else was awake.
apparently, this is equivalent to "not doing anything" but whatever.
friday i had the interview with the philharmonic, should be hearing about that soon enough. friday night was fun. more fun times hanging with the peaches. and darth. and pirate gear.
ahh to go back to friday night....
i have spent some time debating if i should just forget about this weekend or write it down or just write it on paper and then burn it. but i decided to place it here. i don't really know why. convience i suppose.
so. saturday. christmas eve. its already a hard enough day when everyone you know is gone and going out is about as smart as standing on the race track at the indy 500.
so. i am home the entire day. this is a bad bad bad idea. my sister is asking, literally every 2 minutes if she can open something yet. this results in a constant series of no. we then advance. to later that night. i finally manage to kill the battery and recharge my ipod. but of course, it still doesn't want to work. it still manages to yell at me and say it cannot update or reformat in order to reload my music.
this means i have to go to omms. so i do. and this results from what could have been a rational conversation to an all out blow out of how i am "almost 20 years old and should act like an adult and that i should stop acting like such a bitch. and why don't i go back to my room so that no one bothers me and i don't disgust him" and that is the pleasent version.
in the end. i am once again locked into my room...and miserable.
we now advance to sunday. christmas day.
i wake up at 8:16...and i cannot talk, i don't feel well, and i am still annoyed by the night before. however, due to lack of voice i don't say anything to anyone and just go and sit in my spot in the living room. it is now 8:18...and the stero isn't working. this results in omms shoving my mom, she shoving back, and the throwing of the stockings. some yelling also insued.
we finally move past all of this and begin the ritual of opening gifts. by that i mean one person at a time. now its time for the final gifts. now, i open last. its an unspoken rule. but no. my sister cannot have this. and this becomes another 20 minute argument. i end up being forced to open first. this seems stupid, but it is bigger than it seems.
my grandparents are over so we go and have some breakfast. i still feel miserable and sick so i have hardly anything and get yelled at for it. and then resent into my room where i take some motrin and proceed to zone out to the tv and try to not think about anything.
my aunt and uncle then call and decide to come over. the doorbell woke me up. and now if i am somewhat sleeping during the day, we know something is wrong. but i didn't really register it all that well at the time. so omms comes barging screaming into my room that i need to get out and talk to people. now i must look awful at this point. becuase people keep asking me if i feel ok. however, omms just says that i am being a moody teenager and that no one should pay attention. i go out and sit on the chair and attempt to talk.
then the mug incident.
my aunt is the best gift giver ever. however, she brought a joint gift-popcorn and mugs. one is blue and one is red. i wanted the blue one. so did my sister. i now have the red one.
they leave and i am sent back into the abyss of my room. eventually we have to get ready to go to the movie. more yelling and screaming and whatever. same when we come back home.
now we are back and its "find food" this results in me not having dinner. and sneaking a pudding cup and mini muffins at 11 at night.
after the so called dinner. its hanukah disaster time. now. my mother miscounted. and i will be home the entire time. so instead of doing the odd nights, i get to do the even nights. since i missed it last year and i will be missing if for at least two more years.
my sister won't have this.
my mom was the one who told her she had to switch. and then omms decided that no, she doesn't have to and that i need to grow up. and realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and to stop being so selfish and self centered. and that i need to grow up. this "growing up" comment resulted when i swear i was calm, asked him why must i always compromise? why does my sister throw a fit and always manage to get what she wants, no matter what it is? he refused to answer and so i waited. he told me to grow up and start acting like an adult. and i told him fine. i am sitting here, calmly, like an adult, and waiting for an answer to my question.
this did not go over well.
my mother declared she was doing all the nights and my sister ran off into her room. i was eventually sent into mine. under strict orders to not leave it. and no one was allowed in the same corner of the house.
about a half hour later my sister opened the door shouted sorry and slamed it again.
more yelling.
she eventually came back and walked into the room and said sorry walked out and slamed the door.
more yelling.
and then this morning it was "back to how it was supposed to be" me doing odds and my sister doing the even.
and this furthur proves why i hate christmas and the whole season. everyone is fasly pleasent to one another. if you are going to be nice to someone, you do it all year long. its not like i am going to stop being nice to my friends just because its no longer "the season to be jolly"
christmas and easter. two worst weekends of the year. anyone who enjoys them, which is most of the known world, props to you. anyone who believes in the religious side of it, go right ahead. the two weekends end up with me being trapped and no where to go because the world shuts down.
my sister is nearly eleven and she acts as if she is about three. and this results in me being treated as if i was eleven. and not the "adult" they want me to be. if i speak i am in trouble. if i don't speak i am in trouble. if i walk away i am in trouble.
all i know is that i am going to have to find a way to go away for spring break. i am not staying home for a week when no one is home and those who are home have class all day. it just is not going to happen. it can't happen. i can't handle it.
but i will get stuck here i know it.
even today. i have been locked in my room the whole day. not allowed to leave. the moment i do, someone decides to be mad at me again because i am still breathing and i left my room.
people are mad because i have to go to work later. gah.
i did get some nice stuff for the holidays. however, i really cannot handle this house anymore. something has to change. i tried to change. it didn't work.
i mean. perhaps i am being selfish and concieted and acting like a child. i don't even know anymore. its all just a lot of yelling these days about stupid stupid things.
i really am ready to lose it and flip out and start screaming and cursing at people.
which will inevitably result in my death.
i did nearly get cut off this weekend. and by cut off i mean. having to find a way to pay my tutition.
i don't know. perhaps i just need to be an adult and learn to deal with it and find a way to not die this week.
ugh
writing didn't make it any better.