The other woman
I haven't posted on this subject in a long time because it really hasn't been on my mind.
Trigger: Last week I was on a date in a random middle-of-the-road restaurant in Santa Monica. I was late and my date was already at the table when I came. It took a few minutes for me to settle in. But when I did I saw that at the next table was my ex's ex, a very pretty petite thing who happens to be the star of a big CBS TV show. She was close enough I could have poked out her eye. We ignored each other all night. Didn't speak or make eye contact. We never liked each other.
Payoff: I had this dream last night that this ex's ex and I ran into each other randomly and we were still annoyed and mistrustful. In the dream we were standing next to each other and pretending not to see each other, like in the restaurant. But then a monster approached. A genuine dream monster with fur and fangs. And we had to speak. We were cornered. I was like, "What are we going to do? I'm scared." She looked at me with scorn, all 5 foot tall, 100 pounds of powder puff barbie and she said to me contemptuously, "You know, Anne. It's just basic physics that power is a function of size and speed. We're both pretty small, so we're going to have to run at it as fast as we can and try to knock it down." I was all "Fuck that. I'm waiting right here and hoping it goes away." She handed me her purse and took off running, jumped in the air and landed on the monster shoulder height, knocking it to the ground. Then she kicked the life out of it with her stilletto heals.
She and I had a long antagonistic history. Briefly, I was dating him, not at all seriously for about a year and he dumped me for her. Casting couch situation, those were giddy days. For two years they were together. He and I barely spoke. Then we did start speaking, and flirting, and he dumped her and we were back together, not seriously at first and always mistrustfully. He wanted to keep our relationship secret at first because he didn't want to hurt her. She was very "fragile" and "depressed" and by all accounts still in love with him. She had this rule whereby if ever the 3 of us were going to the same place she had to go with him and I had to go alone, and he and I would meet up afterwards. Because she was a southern "lady" who couldn't attend an event without a man and she would be devastated and lonely if he wouldn't escort her. And besides, he said, everybody, including her, knew that he was really with me. She was the pathetic one, always on the arm of somebody else's date. Eventually, way too late I put my foot down and said no more of that. He goes with me, or I don't go at all and it's over. This worked for one party. Then the very next party to come around, his friend's birthday, he comes with her. I didn't even know she would come because this friend hated her anyway. But there they were and he was sheepishly avoiding the issue and complaining of back pain and wanting to leave early. I left the party before him. Called him in the morning and said we were over, I'm quitting couples counseling, and I thought he should continuing counseling on his own because he needs it.
He didn't ask and probably doesn't know (or care) to this day why I broke up with him.
I didn't know at the time that he had a girlfriend in NY. Or about any of the other lies he had been telling me, including the very high likelihood that the actress had never been "fragile" or "depressed" and had in fact had no idea whatsoever of our relationship at any point and everything was always his idea. He just liked being seen with the trophy babe. And he liked manipulating the both of us to gratify his own ego.
I've always felt a little guilty over the years for believing all the things he said to make me feel ill about her. Maybe she never deserved it. We never got along and were always very catty to each other. All because of lies he whipped up about each of us to the other, which prevented our being able to treat each other with respect. I think culturally, there's a big problem with women fighting with each other over problems for which men are to blame. And I hate that I fell for that old trick. The problem is almost never "the other woman." It's the monster.
Trigger: Last week I was on a date in a random middle-of-the-road restaurant in Santa Monica. I was late and my date was already at the table when I came. It took a few minutes for me to settle in. But when I did I saw that at the next table was my ex's ex, a very pretty petite thing who happens to be the star of a big CBS TV show. She was close enough I could have poked out her eye. We ignored each other all night. Didn't speak or make eye contact. We never liked each other.
Payoff: I had this dream last night that this ex's ex and I ran into each other randomly and we were still annoyed and mistrustful. In the dream we were standing next to each other and pretending not to see each other, like in the restaurant. But then a monster approached. A genuine dream monster with fur and fangs. And we had to speak. We were cornered. I was like, "What are we going to do? I'm scared." She looked at me with scorn, all 5 foot tall, 100 pounds of powder puff barbie and she said to me contemptuously, "You know, Anne. It's just basic physics that power is a function of size and speed. We're both pretty small, so we're going to have to run at it as fast as we can and try to knock it down." I was all "Fuck that. I'm waiting right here and hoping it goes away." She handed me her purse and took off running, jumped in the air and landed on the monster shoulder height, knocking it to the ground. Then she kicked the life out of it with her stilletto heals.
She and I had a long antagonistic history. Briefly, I was dating him, not at all seriously for about a year and he dumped me for her. Casting couch situation, those were giddy days. For two years they were together. He and I barely spoke. Then we did start speaking, and flirting, and he dumped her and we were back together, not seriously at first and always mistrustfully. He wanted to keep our relationship secret at first because he didn't want to hurt her. She was very "fragile" and "depressed" and by all accounts still in love with him. She had this rule whereby if ever the 3 of us were going to the same place she had to go with him and I had to go alone, and he and I would meet up afterwards. Because she was a southern "lady" who couldn't attend an event without a man and she would be devastated and lonely if he wouldn't escort her. And besides, he said, everybody, including her, knew that he was really with me. She was the pathetic one, always on the arm of somebody else's date. Eventually, way too late I put my foot down and said no more of that. He goes with me, or I don't go at all and it's over. This worked for one party. Then the very next party to come around, his friend's birthday, he comes with her. I didn't even know she would come because this friend hated her anyway. But there they were and he was sheepishly avoiding the issue and complaining of back pain and wanting to leave early. I left the party before him. Called him in the morning and said we were over, I'm quitting couples counseling, and I thought he should continuing counseling on his own because he needs it.
He didn't ask and probably doesn't know (or care) to this day why I broke up with him.
I didn't know at the time that he had a girlfriend in NY. Or about any of the other lies he had been telling me, including the very high likelihood that the actress had never been "fragile" or "depressed" and had in fact had no idea whatsoever of our relationship at any point and everything was always his idea. He just liked being seen with the trophy babe. And he liked manipulating the both of us to gratify his own ego.
I've always felt a little guilty over the years for believing all the things he said to make me feel ill about her. Maybe she never deserved it. We never got along and were always very catty to each other. All because of lies he whipped up about each of us to the other, which prevented our being able to treat each other with respect. I think culturally, there's a big problem with women fighting with each other over problems for which men are to blame. And I hate that I fell for that old trick. The problem is almost never "the other woman." It's the monster.