Warning: not a particularly happy post
Take me home.
I'm sitting in a hotel and I just don't feel comfortable with my family right now.
Overexposure.
I'm rubbed raw. We all are, somewhat.
I feel a bit like I'm rotting away inside, in this visually perfect clone of a hotel, just like last night's across the river. Rotting away in places nobody will notice, areas nobody can see, waiting for one final push that forces my facade to fall and shock those who think they're closest to me as I crumble away...
I'm lost. Again. Perpetually.
I don't like being snapped at. It's unavoidable here. Then again, it always has been; my parents have always been sure to keep me close whenever it's time for bad news of some sort. Good times, good times. Except not.
My father snaps at me for losing my purse. I figure I deserve that one, so I apologize. He complains that I apologize too much and subsequently is too harsh with the hotel worker who did nothing. He wanders off, takes a call on his cellphone, makes another, comes back. Glares at the lady behind the front desk. I try to shoot her a somewhat apologetic look, but I don't know if I'm up to even faking that anymore.
I'm burnt out.
I'm in pain. My head, my fingers, my knees, my hips...
I feel old, inside and out. Aged. And what cause do I have to feel old? My life has been fucking perfect, sheltered to the best of my parents' ability. I've lived the perfect jewish suburban life.
Hell, I have a potential perfect life in front of me too, if I haven't fucked that up too much already. It's about damn time I stopped fooling myself into feeling old.
That's not exactly how it works, though. I've been through pain, i've been through bliss, i've been through excitement... all these, and more, though that's not what gets old. Okay, I lie -- the pain. The pain gets really fucking old.
I don't like taking medication. That's not to say I enjoy the problems it dulls, the symptoms it removese -- I abhor them, in most cases.
I'm also used to it not fixing my problems. (My inner cynic loves when I talk like this, all weary pessimism in a stretched-out way, throwing phrases around and not caring who reads what, really.) Meds don't agree with me. Granted, they don't affect me in a bad way, they just don't tend to get rid of what they're supposed to anyhow.
I don't like recieving help -- rather stubborn about it in some ways -- and I wonder how related that is to my medical incomprehensibility. I don't have a resistance to antibiotics or sedatives or anything, i just have a strong psychological tendency to evade them. My body as of late seems to have acquired a similar way of having i-can't-deal-with-this-on-my-own-but-i'll-make-damn-sure-you-can't-help-me-with-it problems. In addition to a few of the mysteryvirus symptoms coming back, I now have enflamed sinuses, but no infection. It probably could be allergies, but it would be my first flare-up since the removal of my tonsils and adenoids back in eighth grade. Also, I've had a HUGE change in environment -- plant life, food, clothing, everything -- that it has lasted through, with substantial amounts of discomfort both in israel and here. (Note to all reading this: avoid plane rides while you have sinus pain. Really.)
...
I'm so frustrated. trapped. angsty. INEEDTOGETAWAYFROMMYFUCKINGFAMILYIHATECARTRIPS.
I.
Need.
I need to interact with someone beyond the extremely superficial level besides my mom, dad, or brother.
I need to not be bound to those three constantly.
I need to move.
I need to hug someone.
But what I think I really need?
THIRTY SECONDS OF PEACE AND FUCKING QUIET. Maybe some alone time. Maybe some time alone with a friend. Not-completely-alone time, I suppose you could call it.
But I think that's a long enough bitchpost for now.
Also, just for curiosity's sake, i'd love it if you could leave a comment if you read this. Or skimmed it, even. Pardon my attention-whoring, but I need to know that people are at least curious about what's going on with me... I feel somewhat dead and secluded, and it'd help to hear from someone.
Sorry for taking up so much of your time.