(no subject)
slowly starting to learn lessons that i thought i already knew. or thought i wouldn't need.
its hard to take care of people. i have trouble remembering to water my plants. let alone the care and feeding of a human being. i think i want a dog right now so that all of the effort i put into raising it will have some sort of reward...loyalty & love, maybe. i realize that's selfish. and that what i really want is for someone to take care of me right now...so that i don't have to take care of others.
some people are just caring people. you walk into their home and you feel welcome. things are put together for you to look at, food is made for you to eat, conversation is had and you get to steer it. i've always wanted to be this sort of person. i'm not though. things are messy with me, out of order. i think either you have to have everything about yourself togother to really actually take care of someone else or you have to make some sort of self-sacrifice and care only for others. i'm not really prepared for either...but i've been doing a lot of sacrificing lately...and not really in the right vein. there's a balance to it. some people have it. i'm trying to find it.
for some reason, when i'm lonely or don't know how to help someone, i wander around chain stores. i'm not sure why. usually i don't even buy anything. i think its because you can look at things there. hold things in your hand that aren't yours. reject something and put it back on the shelf. blockbuster. staples. walgreens. all on the same parking lot. i think it was so i wouldn't have to explore elsewhere. i had the thought of walking further on but then i stopped myself.
then i drank a glass of wine and felt better.
its hard to take care of people. i have trouble remembering to water my plants. let alone the care and feeding of a human being. i think i want a dog right now so that all of the effort i put into raising it will have some sort of reward...loyalty & love, maybe. i realize that's selfish. and that what i really want is for someone to take care of me right now...so that i don't have to take care of others.
some people are just caring people. you walk into their home and you feel welcome. things are put together for you to look at, food is made for you to eat, conversation is had and you get to steer it. i've always wanted to be this sort of person. i'm not though. things are messy with me, out of order. i think either you have to have everything about yourself togother to really actually take care of someone else or you have to make some sort of self-sacrifice and care only for others. i'm not really prepared for either...but i've been doing a lot of sacrificing lately...and not really in the right vein. there's a balance to it. some people have it. i'm trying to find it.
for some reason, when i'm lonely or don't know how to help someone, i wander around chain stores. i'm not sure why. usually i don't even buy anything. i think its because you can look at things there. hold things in your hand that aren't yours. reject something and put it back on the shelf. blockbuster. staples. walgreens. all on the same parking lot. i think it was so i wouldn't have to explore elsewhere. i had the thought of walking further on but then i stopped myself.
then i drank a glass of wine and felt better.