why do i feel like im getting ripped off
people are totally selfish creatures. everyone just stumbles around life looking out for themselves. i know i do too but at least i try to be up front about it. and most of the time i cant be selfish because i genuinely am not happy unless everybody else is too. which if you think about it, is really fucking stupid because what makes most people happy often makes me want to kill myself. however, that's the way i have always been so its going to be really hard to change... but i have to because im not being fair to myself. certain aspects of my social life is on repeat... make a friend i think is super rad, spend ridiculous amounts of time with them, train myself to know how to act around them so that there is never any confrontation or disagreements because id rather be getting along. well its gotten to the point where i have to put a stop to this because its hurting me in ways that are completely unecessary. and now, i think i need to figure out what and how i need to change to make this happen. im tired of selfish people. im tired of illogical people. im tired of pessimistic, rude, egotistical people. and im tired of putting up with them just because i dont want them to turn around and talk shit about me and hate me. i have such a hard time sticking up for myself because i can't bear the thought of people thinking negative thoughts about me. its such a ridiculous thing to hold me back because no matter what, someone somewhere will always think i suck. its statistically impossible for anybody to have a 100% approval rating. not only that, why do i care if people who treat me like shit actually like me?
so basically ive done the only thing i could really think of. i've started speaking up. any time i feel disrespected, or that im being treated unfairly, i say something. it's made for some pretty uncomfortable moments, but in the end i dont really give a shit if i'm going overboard because i have 22 years of being a doormat to make up for. its still hard and i feel like im probably not choosing my battles well, nor am i fighting them in the logical, practical way i wish i could. but i really dont what the best way to go about asserting oneself is, so i dont give a fuck. i'd rather say something and have it be misunderstood than go on as if nothing is wrong. im tired of people thinking that nothing is wrong...
but really... honestly now. is it really a lot to ask from people to be true to who they are... to be honest and trustworthy and respectful? and maybe even polite and optimistic? i understand that everybody is different but there are too many things in life that we cannot control, why not be responsible and positive about what we can? the only way one can learn and grow from any experience is to want to get something positive out of it. and i know this is just the way i see it, and every day of my life people prove to me that i'm very much alone in this aspect.
my whole life i have been guilty of acting just as fake as the people i am complaining about are. so guess its most upsetting right now since ive realized that im a hypocrite and that i want to change because i dont understand how that lightbulb isn't going off in other people's heads. i guess everybody has their own reality, and this is mine, and it just so happens to not coincide with anyone elses realities as much as i used to think.
becoming more honest with myself and other people has made me isolate myself. its so hard to be alone with my thoughts all of the time, but after dealing with bullshit for so long it is worth the peace and quiet. only sometimes i dont know where to go and i dont know what to do to make these ideas and thoughts stop spinning round my head and all i have is this. isnt it strange that talking to folks doesnt make me feel better digitally vomiting thoughts in my lj for anyone to read does? but these days its really all i have anyway. and its also reassuring to realize that realistically, less than 5 people take the time to even read half of this. but that's never been the point. so ill be okay.
so basically ive done the only thing i could really think of. i've started speaking up. any time i feel disrespected, or that im being treated unfairly, i say something. it's made for some pretty uncomfortable moments, but in the end i dont really give a shit if i'm going overboard because i have 22 years of being a doormat to make up for. its still hard and i feel like im probably not choosing my battles well, nor am i fighting them in the logical, practical way i wish i could. but i really dont what the best way to go about asserting oneself is, so i dont give a fuck. i'd rather say something and have it be misunderstood than go on as if nothing is wrong. im tired of people thinking that nothing is wrong...
but really... honestly now. is it really a lot to ask from people to be true to who they are... to be honest and trustworthy and respectful? and maybe even polite and optimistic? i understand that everybody is different but there are too many things in life that we cannot control, why not be responsible and positive about what we can? the only way one can learn and grow from any experience is to want to get something positive out of it. and i know this is just the way i see it, and every day of my life people prove to me that i'm very much alone in this aspect.
my whole life i have been guilty of acting just as fake as the people i am complaining about are. so guess its most upsetting right now since ive realized that im a hypocrite and that i want to change because i dont understand how that lightbulb isn't going off in other people's heads. i guess everybody has their own reality, and this is mine, and it just so happens to not coincide with anyone elses realities as much as i used to think.
becoming more honest with myself and other people has made me isolate myself. its so hard to be alone with my thoughts all of the time, but after dealing with bullshit for so long it is worth the peace and quiet. only sometimes i dont know where to go and i dont know what to do to make these ideas and thoughts stop spinning round my head and all i have is this. isnt it strange that talking to folks doesnt make me feel better digitally vomiting thoughts in my lj for anyone to read does? but these days its really all i have anyway. and its also reassuring to realize that realistically, less than 5 people take the time to even read half of this. but that's never been the point. so ill be okay.