(no subject)
longing...
This life feels heavier with every step.
I hate that we feel the need to say "sorry" for our emo entries. I hate that there are disclaimers. From now on, fuck it. If I'm writing something down, it's because I *NEED* to get it off my chest, or out of my mind, or into words. If it's public, friends-only, whatever... then I don't care, and neither should whoever is reading it. This is me at that moment. It does NOT mean I am always that way, that I want to talk about it, or that I want sympathy. It's just the... deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened... excuse me for stealing that.
So yes... life is heavy. I feel like there are a million and one things "to do" and no desire or will power to do any of it. I feel like with every minutes *he* is slipping through my fingers, but I don't know if being together or being apart makes it better or worse? I feel like I use the phrase "I feel" way too often, or at least have in the last week. I feel like I *am* okay when it comes to Theatre Management regardless to whatever scale the department wants to judge me on, and that maybe, just maybe, Sharla could be okay with that.
I am constantly looking forward and wanting so much for our vacation to Florida, if only because for me, it WILL be a vacation to. I was going to be a trip home... but the more I look at it, it will be me, discovering the home I wish I could enjoy, the small details and beautiful days. And even if it isn't everything I want from it, I am SOOOO thankful that my friends here are opening my mind to enjoy and look forward and *find* those little details. There's a reason I am so very much in love with my home... and it's the best thing ever to be able to enjoy and vacation in your own home. I think it'll be very soothing and therapuetic (which I am spelling wrong I bet) for me... if only to catch a glimpse of who I am, and the small building blocks that made me this way.
I HATE what he is doing to her. It makes me long for Vidak. It also makes me want to ask him what the truth is. But I like him as an interesting input to society.... so I don't want to confront him either. Again, it makes me long.
What does one write in a Prayer journal? I miss God. I haven't been able to go to Bible-Study for the last two weeks and I miss it. I NEED it.... It's the structure in my journey of faith, and lord knows (literally), I need structure in any endevor I try.
I want to get in touch with me. Maybe that's why I'm writing now. I feel like little by little I'm finding my body, and maybe once I do, I'll have the will power to change it. I also feel like saying "I feel" is helping me get in touch with my mind, who I am, what not... my EMOTIONS!
I miss those I've already let slip through.... I miss people like Kerry, who used to make me smile each and every day, even if I would only fall asleep ten minutes later.
I will.... -stop/break for visitors-
Correction: he has... people are only encouraging pointless hopes. i think it hurts a little more... the jury is out on whether or not it's heavier or lighter this way
This life feels heavier with every step.
I hate that we feel the need to say "sorry" for our emo entries. I hate that there are disclaimers. From now on, fuck it. If I'm writing something down, it's because I *NEED* to get it off my chest, or out of my mind, or into words. If it's public, friends-only, whatever... then I don't care, and neither should whoever is reading it. This is me at that moment. It does NOT mean I am always that way, that I want to talk about it, or that I want sympathy. It's just the... deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened... excuse me for stealing that.
So yes... life is heavy. I feel like there are a million and one things "to do" and no desire or will power to do any of it. I feel like with every minutes *he* is slipping through my fingers, but I don't know if being together or being apart makes it better or worse? I feel like I use the phrase "I feel" way too often, or at least have in the last week. I feel like I *am* okay when it comes to Theatre Management regardless to whatever scale the department wants to judge me on, and that maybe, just maybe, Sharla could be okay with that.
I am constantly looking forward and wanting so much for our vacation to Florida, if only because for me, it WILL be a vacation to. I was going to be a trip home... but the more I look at it, it will be me, discovering the home I wish I could enjoy, the small details and beautiful days. And even if it isn't everything I want from it, I am SOOOO thankful that my friends here are opening my mind to enjoy and look forward and *find* those little details. There's a reason I am so very much in love with my home... and it's the best thing ever to be able to enjoy and vacation in your own home. I think it'll be very soothing and therapuetic (which I am spelling wrong I bet) for me... if only to catch a glimpse of who I am, and the small building blocks that made me this way.
I HATE what he is doing to her. It makes me long for Vidak. It also makes me want to ask him what the truth is. But I like him as an interesting input to society.... so I don't want to confront him either. Again, it makes me long.
What does one write in a Prayer journal? I miss God. I haven't been able to go to Bible-Study for the last two weeks and I miss it. I NEED it.... It's the structure in my journey of faith, and lord knows (literally), I need structure in any endevor I try.
I want to get in touch with me. Maybe that's why I'm writing now. I feel like little by little I'm finding my body, and maybe once I do, I'll have the will power to change it. I also feel like saying "I feel" is helping me get in touch with my mind, who I am, what not... my EMOTIONS!
I miss those I've already let slip through.... I miss people like Kerry, who used to make me smile each and every day, even if I would only fall asleep ten minutes later.
I will.... -stop/break for visitors-
Correction: he has... people are only encouraging pointless hopes. i think it hurts a little more... the jury is out on whether or not it's heavier or lighter this way