too much
Some days, I just get really tired, and I have to try really hard to remember all the good things about life. Sometimes the bad stuff just feels so totally overwhelming, and I want to give in for a little bit, if only to get a rest. Why is so much of the good stuff a fight and a struggle? I'm sure I don't usually feel like that, but right now it seems like such an impossible uphill climb to get anywhere good.
I haven't cried like I did today for a long time. Well, a long time for me -- months. Since last year, maybe, when things were so awful. I had a terrible, hopeless cry today, and nothing has quite felt right since. I can't really explain it, but everything is so wrong. So draining. So completely off. Nothing feels like it's supposed to, least of all me.
I'm so wrong, so off right now and I just don't know what to do with myself. I think this may be how I used to feel most of the time, but I'm not used to it anymore, I'm not swimming in it, so I just don't know what to do with myself. It's all terrifying. I don't know what to do. I can't feel this way anymore, I just can't because what if it doesn't go away?
I need everything to be okay. I need everything to work out, because all I can think about is this being it again. Everything is so wrong and I need it all handled because I'm going a little out of my mind.
I've been doing so much better though, and I can say better what I need. I can't always get it, but at least I know now. I just... can't. I can't can't won't. If it could just be handled, if I could just look after myself. I can take the tired that comes from me, that comes from me working hard and late, those tears are okay, those are good, normal tears.
I can't take in other people's tired though, the tired from things that should have worked out, but didn't and now I have to deal with them even though I can't because it's hollowing me out. It's not my fault, but I have to keep pushing it along at break-neck speeds, and all I can think is that it's not going to happen and what am I supposed to do then?
Don't I get to be tired too? Everyone else gets to be tired, and sick, but things will stop without me so I have to go on. Everyone goes on without other people, why can't they go on without me. I wish I could hide here until it all blows over, because it's not going to be an easy finish. That's all I want, things to go smoothly in the end -- why doesn't that ever happen? Not ever? Someone always screws up and then it's a scramble that hollows me out bit by bit.
I think it comes back eventually, but I don't know. I'm always so tired these days and I wonder if it's because there's less of me left.
Why can't I just let this stuff go like everybody else? Why does ig eat at my stomache and weigh down my eyelids without letting me sleep? It's always there for me and will be until it's done, which will be late in the night after things get even more screwed up and I empty out my eyes again.
Why can't it go smoothly, just this once? I'd give anything for it to be easy. Can't you just do your part and let me know when it's done? Why do I have to watch and worry and chew my fingernails down to nothing? Please let me have faith in you, please let it be founded, and come to me with good news when you're done and I can do what should be my small part of just passing your good work along. Please don't make me own the whole of it. There isn't enough of me left right now to do that.
I'm so tired. So tired of talking myself in circles. I feel better for a moment, my stomache less tight so I follow that line but it ends with a tight stomache and a frown again. Where can I end it that I'll feel okay, that I'll be okay? When will I learn how to find thaf? What do I need to do?
I can't even read this over again. I wonder what my clumsy thumbs have done this time. I just can't deal with this right now. Tomorrow I'll be able to. Tomorrow I'll get up, and I'll be the better me again. I can do that. I can do that, and finish it all, and come home and sleep without the knots in my stomache. It'll all get sorted and we'll do the best we can. We'll make them happy, and then I'll let myself be happy. Tomorrow will be okay.
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