Don't forget we sent hate mail to ourselves.
For reasons unknown, I no longer get the superb bathroom wifi that I am used to getting, so I am currently sitting outside at 1:06 am while drunken people scream on the roof next to me. What is it with people and roofs? So, I'm sitting outside with an extension cord running from the door to my laptop. This isn't illegal looking at all. I can't listen to music because it makes everything run slow-which never started to happen until Cody said it one day, so fuck him for cursing me. I'm still wearing headphones because huge moths are out and abundant and I'm afraid that one is going to fly into my ear. I had to move off of the bench because there were weird long looking bugs crawling on it and I was afraid that one would crawl up my shorts and lay eggs in my butt or something. I ran/walked tonight from 9:30 till 11:00. I listened to Through Being Cool and Ups & Downs. Each time a song would play with a certain memory attached to it, I teared up. Sweat and crying doesn't mix. Shit hurts. A lot. Between tear-filled sobs and staring at the sky and down the alley to make sure no one was coming up it to stab me and looking across the street to make sure that no one was running across to stab me and looking at at surrounding building windows to ensure that no one was hanging out out one with a gun, I started to think about whether or not I have dreams or ambitions. It seems the only thing that I'm dreaming or am ambitious about is what shows are coming up and which ones I'm going to have enough money to go to next. I don't think that counts for anything. I never knew what i wanted to do with my life, and I still don't and someone is definately smoking weed, holy shit. Anyway, I thought that I'd have this figured out by now. Actually, I thought I'd have it figure out by 20. 23. 25. Nothing.
I was complaining last night because it's been a while since I've gone grocery shopping and I've run our of spaghetti sauce, which is pretty much what I live off of anymore (with whole wheat noodles, not just sauce. However, I would live off of sauce. Or gravy.) My shoes have been slowly dying over the past year and yesterday my belt broke at work. All of these things on top of losing my work keys which had my Format keychain that I've had for years on them, caused me to lose it more than I've been this whole week. Side note: it seems like the day since my Saves The Day Anniversary, everything has gone down the shitter. So naturally I was bitching about everything in the kitchen and my mom butted in. It is true that I wouldn't be able to afford anything if I lived on my own right now. My work barely gives me hours and if I had expensive rent to pay, I'd never have money for tickets or traveling or London or hotels or a life. She went into her usual "It's ridiculous blah blah blah. Why do you have to see the same bands every month? You don't have to see them every time they come around. You need to pick and choose which concerts are the most important for you to go to. 2 years ago you never went to this many. You go to at least one show a month" Okay, shows are the only thing that have ever been right in my life. I've fucked up everything I ever possibly could, except attending a show of my favorite band which is also the only thing that has ever been a constant in my life. Not only did I look up to Chris when I was younger, but he was the only person who never let me down and he was always there, even when he wasn't. When I go to shows, especially Saves, I feel safe and alive, Nothing has ever provided me with those feelings. I've never had friends that cared about music and going to concerts like I do now. I am forever in debt to them. Sure, Alicia and I used to see bands when we were younger, but when she moved on, I felt abandoned and alone. I'd go by myself and mostly only to see Saves. I felt very out of place, even in the place where I felt I most belonged. So, to even think about sitting out on an east coast date for any future Saves tour now is the worst torture imaginable. Actually, I can't even picture that.
Anyway, where was I going with this....oh yeah. Hopes, dreams and aspirations. A friend texted me today and we got into conversing about whatnot and he told me that I was "one of the most amazing people he knows." Reading that made me cry. I don't believe that. I don't do anything notable whether for good or bad. Probably bad. I don't understand what would merit me an anything person.
A few days earlier I got into a fight with my brother about his wedding. Directly before our little event, he told me a story about how he tells the guys that he works with that I'm a lesbian and am "nothing special" when they ask about his family. Nice. So anyway, he said that he is forcing my dad to wear a suit to his wedding because it's his wedding and he wants to see his dad in nice clothes for once in his life. (His life meaning my brother's life. He obviously disregards my father's feelings.) This doesn't seem like a big deal on the surface, but it is. My dad has severe OCD and possibly other mental health issues. He's not a complete headcase, he's very functional, but he has set backs. He used to be on meds when we were younger for his problems. He is no longer on them, I'm not sure if it's for the better. My dad pretty much wears the same clothes every day. He takes showers, but puts back on what the wore yesterday. he did this to a degree when we were younger, but I didn't notice it as much as I do now. I guess in his mind he thinks that if he wears something different it might be "unlucky." He used to do laundry at one point in time but I'm not sure if he does anymore. So, pretty much he's wearing the same unwashed clothes day and night. He's very particular also when purchasing new clothing. He always finds problems. Stitching and seams need to be in exact right places in order for him to feel comfortable wearing the clothing. With all of this in mind, I tried to nicely and calmly explain to my brother how my dad probably won't feel comfortable wearing a suit and that he's going to be uptihght and anxious all day. My brother said that he didn't care. He's had to put up with my dad's problems for 24 years and it's his wedding. He called me a dick. I told him that my dad's had to put up with his mental state for 56 years. How does my brother think he feels? i got really pissed off and called me a slew of assinine names before he stormed out. He only takes in how things affect him. I just wanted him to see what my dad goes through and to understand why things are the way that they are. Whatever. He's always been this way. My mom then started getting on my shit about going to his wedding. I really don't want to go. I told her that if I'm in another country because I have a $400 voucher, then to forgive me. I can tell that she's proud of him. He didn't really do much. He mooched off of everyone for as long as possible, stole someone's girlfriend, ot her pregnant, had a child, got an apartment, and he is now whatever. I'm not bitter, I'm glad I never birthed anything and I like parts of my life, but I can't help but feel like my feelings about being a disappointment are backed up by how much my mom supports him. I know he looks down on me. I'm sure that he and his fiance' talk shit on me all of the time. He made a comment before leaving that night that he wants to actually be something and not have a piece of shit marriage like everyone else in our family. He constantly makes references to how shitty we all are. I get it. I just hate feeling inferior.
All of this, plus losing my work keys, my mind, allergy attacks, stressing out about money and upcoming shows, everything, made me feel awful. I also thought about underlying untrust issues that I have and questions about whether or not people actually like me. Then I wondered why the people who do like me, like me. I still have the feeling toward some people secretly hating me, or laughing about my misfortunes. I don't trust anyone anymore.
I had 4 days off in a row and I did nothing. Day 3 was spent entirely in bed, with no hope of doing anything ever. The day before was my anniversary and I ended up feeling pointless. I thought and wrote a lot. Then my wifi became unreachable. That was the tipping point of my whateverness. Not being able to numb myself with the distraction of the internet, I laid around and had more time to think. Why whenever I like someone they never feel the same way? Why do I look the way I do? Will I ever lose weight? Why can't I get over people or situations? Why do I spent so much time making up fake scenarios in my head of things that will never happen? What keeps me going?
All of this lead up to today and here I sit. Outside. Online. My brother just dropped my sister off who watched his kid today so he could sleep. He came out here to show me videos on youtube, like nothing ever happened 2 days ago. This is how it always is and always has been.
Also, I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday this year. Either way, it's always insanely awkward and I feel stupid. I don't feel like I deserve any kind of attention for anything. I wanted to do some blink shows that are around my birthday, or have a Yeltsin private show, but none of these seem reasonable because my work kind of hates me. So....yeah.
Two times today I was making up pretend scenarios in my head and both times alarms went off. Once was from the truck driver ringing the bell and the other was for the manager to help whoever was working. I took them as a wake up call to stop imagining bullshit things. I live too much in my head.
This entire post I think started out as maybe having a point which totally dissolved into oblivion. Haha. I can only expect so much of myself right now-I'm under attack by giant fucking moths and I've just eaten 10 chicken nuggets which completely offset anything I tried to lose today. Ugh.
I'm not sure what keeps me going anymore. I don't even really know what I want to do or be. When I wake up in the morning, I always make myself feel better by thinking that there's someone out there for me who is amazing and better than whatever assholes who've made me sad in the past. I guess love is the thing that's been keeping me going. It's sad that I rarely feel it.