(no subject)
My life is changing, Its hard to explain, I have all of these emotions going through me. I am turning 20 kinda soon and what in hell have I accomplished? I dont know what I want to do with the rest of my life hell I dont even have a job. I feel like I should be doing something with my life. But I spend my life in front of the computer or bitching all of the time. I just wish I could be like I was, just carefree. I do want to be a somewhat emotional person, but I cant with others, I sit down and all of these thoughts run through my head, but I cant speak. I wish I had a best friend that I could just tell everything to,but I dont. Yes I know I have friends who are there for me and I love them dearly for that, but I need someone who is willing to dig to find out stuff about me, my life, my thoughts. It is very hard for me to bring up seriously discussions. I am struggling each and every day to just not break down. I feel like being selfish, which I am not normally. I just wanna scream 'its about me!!' which I know it sounds really bad, but I cant help it. I personally dont think I am a selfish person at all I am always there for everyone, even people that I dont know very well, and for once I just wish someone was really there for me. I just wonder sometimes if people actually think about me. I just need some sort of release for awhile, I just need to cry and scream and get all of my frustrations out. I usually keep to myself about stuff that is buggin me, hell this is about as open as I get usually. But I am soo sick of being this girl who gives so much, and never receives anything in return. and i'm so sick of myself for letting me get this way. It seriously makes me sick, I cant sleep, I have headaches all of the time caz Im the one who let me get like it, I cant blame anyone. I fucked myself up, I am the one who makes myself sick, I am the one who doesnt know how to express myself. I did all of this to myself and I'm the only one who can fix it, and I dont know how.