Fic: The Memoirs of Jack Harkness - Part I
Title: The Memoirs of Jack Harkness
Author: meloenijs
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, brief Jack/John, past Ianto/Lisa
Prompt: Bridget Jones' Diary
Rating: R
Word Count: 9.600
Disclaimer: None of the characters are mine, I’m merely borrowing them. Torchwood owned by the BBC.
A/N: The format is vaguely based on that of the books. Since it's been ages since I've read them it's probably not very accurate.
Also, for everyone who doesn't know (like I did), 14 stone is around 88 kg or 196 pounds. One stone is around 6,3 kg or 14 pounds.
(Ao3 link)
Summary: Throughout the entire interview he sat next to me, distracting me every time he moved, a waft of vanilla reaching my nostrils. Several times I zoned out, wondering if it was his shampoo or his shower gel. Not even once did I try to hit on either one of the interviewees.
Or, the one where Jack has a diary and channels his inner twelve year old with a crush.
24/12/2006
Weight: 14 st 1
Shots: 15
08:45 pm
I had to make appearances at the Torchwood Christmas party today. I can’t even remember the last time I went, but Alex told me it was to show the employees from One how much more fun we at Three can have; I think he just wanted to parade me around to everyone. At least, that’s how it felt like to me. Looking back, the fact that he gave critique on how I was dressed - trousers and a blue shirt - before we left, doubly convinces me so.
Immediately when we entered the party room, he was pulling me around, introducing me to random people.
Being a freelancer at Torchwood Three doesn’t give you a lot of free time, and I certainly wasn’t going to waste the bit I had by chatting with the mindless drones at One. But Alex is a good guy and he means the best for everyone. I didn’t object to him pulling me around, but when he started pointing out everyone who was single, I really had to bite my tongue.
I must confess, when he started dragging me towards single guy #104 - recently divorced, made a quick rise through the ranks - I was momentarily stunned. We were steadily approaching a man in his early twenties, dressed in a finely cut suit, with the most gorgeous blue eyes. Alex introduced him as Ianto Jones and promptly left me.
“Hi. Captain Jack Harkness.” I offered him my biggest grin-and-wink combination.
Ianto frowned, but nodded at me in recognition. He extended a hand towards me.
“Pleased to meet you.”
I grasped his hand and added a small stroke of my thumb, just to test the water. Still no favourable reaction.
“So, are you staying here in Bristol for the week?” I asked. The party was being held in Bristol so it would be on “neutral grounds”. Ridiculous, if you ask me.
“No.”
If he wasn’t Mr. Chatty. “I’m staying. Probably going to be too hung-over to drive, anyway, so it’s for the best.”
Ianto nodded and looked over my shoulder. “Maybe I should get something to eat. I’ll see you later.”
At least he gave me a nice view of his arse as he walked away to the buffet. I felt vaguely disappointed about failing to pick up this hot guy, but he didn’t seem like my type personality-wise anyway. Of course, normally when I’m looking for someone you could be the whiniest bitch alive and I wouldn’t care. Lately though I’d been looking for more. Maybe I’d finally sowed all my wild oats. I sighed and went to get a shot of hypervodka.
I was contemplating whether or not to take a second shot - these things are nasty - when I heard the bane of existence, Yvonne Hartman, talk.
“He has his looks, you’ve got to admit that.”
“Looks without substance isn’t what I’m looking for. And that cheesy grin he gave me - like he just expected me to roll over and let him have his way with me.”
Yvonne snorted. “You’ve got him pegged down minutely, Ianto. I never liked the cocky bastard.”
I stared after them as they trailed off. Was that really how I came across? A brainless cocky bastard, luring innocent young men in my bed?
I decided against the second shot after all and took the whole bottle up to my room.
5/01/2007
Weight: 14 st
Shots: 0
03:23 pm
I was lounging about in the Hub, attempting to look busy, when my phone rang. I isolated myself in the archives before answering. Tosh, one of my closest friends, was making her daily call in despair. She was in a relationship with Vile Mary, and constantly needed reassurance she was not in the wrong. After I calmed her down - try understanding a sobbing person over the phone - we agreed to meet up later tonight.
While I was in the archives anyway I thought to do some work. One look around me quickly cured me of that thought. The only areas free of dust were those where I frequently answered Tosh’s calls. Stacked piles of unfiled reports were looming over me, and I decided to turn a blind eye towards the archives once more.
I came up out of the archives to go home early, since I was covered in a few decades worth of dust coating and would need the time to get cleaned up. One of the other freelancers, John Hart, winked at me when I grabbed my coat. We had history - and not in the good sense. We’d made a mutual agreement to never bring it up again. It involved a very unpleasant two weeks.
That didn’t keep us from flirting whenever we came across one another though. We weren’t placed on enough missions together to actually do something about it.
05:53 pm
I rushed through the door of the pub we’d agreed to meet up at. Tosh was already waiting for me, as were Owen and Gwen. We were an odd group, with opposite personalities, but working at Torchwood created strong bonds.
Tosh used to be the technical genius at Three until she was hijacked by UNIT, claiming they needed her more to bring order in their database. She often complained working at UNIT felt like being in a heavily guarded prison, the security so strict.
Owen worked as a medical counsellor, and a part time field medic. For a while, Tosh had had the biggest crush on him, until he gently let her down. Shortly after that she met Mary.
Gwen operated as the police liaison. She was the newest recruit, and ended up in our little group by her brief fling with Owen.
The others were already plying Tosh with enough alcohol to cause permanent liver damage. Deciding to act as the responsible person I am, I went to get a glass of water. Taking a seat next to Owen, I joined in the friendly teasing that was going on.
17/01/2007
Weight: 14 st 2
Shots: 2
07:11 pm
Hart and I had been chosen to represent Torchwood Three at an intergalactic party. I still think Alex was getting me to socialise, but I wasn’t going to complain about an easy day. This being an important event, I’d have to keep an eye on John to make sure he didn’t start a war.
I was mingling with the other guests when I got distracted by someone’s very nice backside. My eyes trailed up just in time to see the person turn around and catch my line of sight. Of course it would have to be Ianto Jones, the prick. Now I couldn’t even deny to myself I didn’t feel at the very least a bit attracted to him.
To my surprise, he walked over and greeted me politely. Keeping in mind his previous comments to Yvonne, I offered him a subdued smile in return. “I didn’t know One would send a representative here.”
“Yvonne thought it wise, and since I already was in the neighbourhood…” he trailed off, making me wonder what had possessed him to come over to me in the first place. Not knowing how to reply, I looked around for a way out of this conversation.
With an unintentional display of brilliant timing, John entered - and he certainly knew how to make an entrance. He strode through the doors with all the confidence of the truly batshit insane, dressed in something that looked like he stole it from the orchestra boy he’d slept with the day before. As soon as he saw me, he strode over and kissed me soundly.
“Jackie-boy! What do you say you and I go out later tonight?” I contemplated his offer. He looked sober enough now, but that could soon change. Still, a night out could be fun.
“You got it, Hart.”
Smiling smugly in Ianto’s direction, he took off again to annoy other innocents. When I turned back to face Ianto, I found his usually polite mask cracked with anger. Before I could get a word out to ask what was wrong, he sent me a glare of doom and stalked off. I saw him join the company of a tall, beautiful woman.
10:47 pm
Most of the guests were going off to their own private parties, or who knows, maybe even home, and we’d survived the evening unscathed. No casualties had been made, no peace-threatening activities had occurred, and no pacts were broken. Since this party had been held in the middle of civilian territory - more commonly known as the convention room of a hotel - most of the aliens were at the very least bipeds. Some of them walked out on four limbs, but that could’ve been because of all the alcohol. Not every species has the same alcohol tolerance.
I was waiting for an employee to return with my coat when the woman Ianto had joined earlier came to stand next to me. She handed over the chip with her jacket number before being spotted by another guest.
”Suzie! There you are. I heard you work with Mr. Jones now?” When she nodded, he immediately went on. “I can’t imagine how wonderful it must be. From what I’ve heard, the man’s brilliant. How are you liking it so far?”
“It’s certainly a great joy to work with him. And I’ve offered to help him forget about what happened with Lisa, but no luck there yet.”
Naturally this was when both our coats were brought. I left the building, ignoring the annoyance I had felt at Suzie’s words.
11:52 pm
After a surprisingly enjoyable dinner, John and I sat simply chatting and enjoying the evening. Steering clear of the unmentionable two weeks - which was a mission gone wrong - we talked about missions we’d had ever since. It’d been a while since they’d last teamed us up - probably for the best. When the party this night came up, John got a strange look in his eyes. “How do you know Eye-candy?”
“Who?” There’d been many at that party who I’d consider eye-candy.
“Mister Ianto Jones,” John drawled. “We worked a mission together once. Was supposed to hold my back but he was otherwise occupied with his wife.”
Ianto hadn’t seemed like the type to lose focus during a mission, but then again, it was difficult to get a read on him.
I scoffed, “Bastard. Serves him right she left him.” Distractions on the job were not allowed.
John grinned and held up his glass in a toast. “Here’s to Ianto Jones’ lovely ex-wife.”
We clinked glasses and I took a gulp of my water.
“Anyway, don’t let him ruin our night. Why don’t you tell me some more about those acrobats you knew?”
18/01/2007
Weight: 14 st 3
Shots: 0
01:12 am
My phone rang. John urged me not to answer, for good reasons, but being too curious for my own good, I pulled him with me so I could grab my mobile. I flipped it open without looking. “Hello?” I gasped out.
It was Alex. He had a problem with one of our guests in the cells I had to talk him through. All the while John was slowly pounding into me. Years of practice made sure I could keep my voice under control. Maybe I let escape a gasp or two; Alex was distracted enough not to notice.
02/02/2007
Weight: 14 st 3
Shots: 1
09:59 am
Alex was moping. Because I’m a great friend and employee, I let him know he would always be my true love, despite what John and I did. After I skilfully dodged a paperweight I prodded him some to spill his sorrows to Auntie Jack. He seemed to really take offence to my cheerful mood, though, and promptly ordered me to go clean the cells.
I took the hint and disappeared out of sight into the Archives. The cells were rarely used, and Alex always gave romantic orders like that when he got rejected. At least now I knew what lay at the heart of the problem. The plan was to let him over-think everything, and that was when I’d swoop in and save the day. I’d briefly considered getting a second job as an agony aunt before Tosh had pointed out all the paperwork involved in setting up an independent business.
01:25 pm
I’d called Tosh earlier, I’d had an extended lunch break, and it had stopped raining. It was the perfect moment to confront Alex. I countered him in his office and closed the door behind me. I didn’t leer because Alex wore his serious face, and that means business. I used everything I have in me to pull the tale out. I won’t go into details - it isn’t pretty.
To hear Hartman was the base of all Alex’ problems didn’t surprise me. What did surprise me was that they’d had an affair and she’d just dumped Alex for Archie, the weirdo from Two. It took a moment to progress all that - not only hadn’t I known of Alex’ affair, but Archie’s existence had been confirmed. Since no one had ever seen him, it was widely assumed Archie was just the acronym for an A.I.
This felt a bit too far out of my league. Alex’ heart was shattered because of that cold-hearted bitch Hartman, and I had no idea how to fix it. John entering the Hub and making lewd comments at me through the glass of the office also didn’t help. I left with the terrible advice of ‘hang in there’.
13/03/2007
Weight: 13 st 8
Shots: 1
12:36 pm
John and I kept seeing each other when we had some free time. This weekend we’d decided to take a day off to spend it in the countryside. We’d found a resort in a little village in the Becon Breacons to spent a nice few almost-alien-free days.
We had another little party to attend the day after, but that wasn’t a hardship. It was supposed to be a ‘welcome, now please be docile or you’ll be destroyed’ kind of party. After decades of living hidden, the Night Travellers had decided to ask for asylum at Torchwood. To show our goodwill, we’d been asked to dress up according to their culture.
But that was not for today. Now, John pulled up in front of the only hotel in the village and frowned at the lack of a valet to flirt with. We entered the lobby, dragging in our own suitcases. John arranged our rooms at the lobby while I looked around. It was a nice building, sturdy built yet visually pleasing.
I returned to John’s side, who was just stalling to flirt with the owner. Behind us I could hear a couple coming down the stairs. Their words were unintelligible because of the strange acoustic, but they didn’t sound too happy with each other. As we turned around, the couple reached the bottom of the stairs. I don’t know why I was even surprised when I saw Ianto Jones trailing behind Suzie.
They promptly shut up when they saw us standing there. John grabbed the keys off the counter and went past them up the stairs, calling out over his shoulder, “I’ll go warm the bed, shall I?”
Suzie also seemed to have magically disappeared, leaving me alone with Ianto. He stared at me oddly, but having nothing to say to him, I merely nodded before following John up the stairs.
15:02 pm
John was singing. Had I been one to think romantically, I would say he was serenading me. I knew what we had wasn’t something that warranted overly romantic gestures, and neither of us wanted anything like that anyway. Sometimes though, before we got together, I would go out on the pull and leave early, and alone, because it seemed so senseless to me. Now, I like human contact, I’m a tactile person, don’t get me wrong, but some days, it just isn’t enough.
Because of my generous loving, most people would never consider me as good relationship-material. And, okay, I like to flirt. But it brightens the day, and I would never do something my partner didn’t agree with.
I knew John had the same ideas about this as I did. Flirt around a lot, spread the love, but when in a relationship, make sure you have your partner’s consent.
Anyway. We’d discovered a tiny lake behind our hotel, so we’d borrowed a boat - or two - to row about a bit. We were rowing towards each other at a surprisingly slow speed. I’m pretty sure the water had been replaced by an alien jelly of some sort. I could hear John was rowing in my direction; his singing still hadn’t diminished.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could spot Ianto and Suzie gently rowing in a boat. It seemed like Suzie had some official documents with her and was asking Ianto’s opinion about them. I felt sorry for him - we were here for another party and then Suzie brings out the work.
It also amazed me just how many times we’d ran into one another since we’d been introduced, especially since One’s headquarters were in London. Just as it got me thinking about how this could be another ploy from One to keep an eye on the ‘rogue Three’, John’s boat bashed into mine, making both of our boats topple over.
Apparently, it was indeed an alien jelly. I burst dramatically from beneath the surface of the jelly, laughing at John, who had managed to remain into his boat and was currently laughing his arse off. I started wiggling at the side of John’s boat, trying to pull him into the jelly with me. Since John had always had a penchant for the dramatic, he refused to get pulled into the lake by me, instead standing up in the waggling boat and diving into the jelly.
I looked up from where John dove in to find Ianto staring at me. As soon as I caught his eye, he looked away, blushing.
14/03/2007
Weight: 13 st 8
Shots: 0
08:30 am
I love cuddling. Drop someone in my bed, and within minutes they’ll be in my arms. It was something I really missed, since John didn’t like it. Of course, during the night I always crept up behind him and snaked my arms around him, but by morning I woke up empty-handed again. This morning wasn’t any different.
I wondered absentmindedly if Ianto Jones would be a cuddly kind of person. Banishing that pointless thought, I opened my eyes to watch John dress himself.
“Why are you getting dressed? Get back into bed and have some fun.”
“Can’t. I just had a call, they need me for a job nearby. I’ll send a cab to pick you up after the party.”
I sighed and burrowed deeper into the blankets. “Must you go?”
I was aware I came across as a whiny child, but mornings never were my favourite time of the day. John bent over to give me a harsh kiss. He straightened and slapped my arse firmly. “Have fun at the party.”
10:00 am
Since we’d been asked to dress accordingly, I’d brought my old circus outfit with me. It was a leftover from another mission, but I’d been pulled off the case before there was a breakthrough.
The gathering was in some park a couple of streets away. I wasn’t overly fond of walking outside in this get-up, not because it would look silly - I knew I looked good - but because I had no place to properly hide my Webley.
I arrived at the park, seeing suspiciously little other people in circus clothes. Alex called out to me, waving me over. “Jack! Didn’t we send John the note? The night travellers decided to stay independent from Torchwood and are back into hiding. You were with John, right?”
“It must have slipped his mind.”
“Where is he anyway? You see, we decided to make it into a garden party, to not let the supplies go to waste.”
Alex could really ramble on if you let him. I let him talk a bit, knowing I’d pick up on it should I miss something important. Alex’ earlier question had me thinking; why didn’t he know where John was? And if they’d send a message to John, why hadn’t he relayed it to me? It didn’t matter that much eventually, but it still made me wonder.
After Alex noticed he was rambling, he pushed a paper plate into my hands and gave me a shove in the direction of the table. I splashed some purple sustenance on my plate and watched as it tried to crawl back into the bowl it came from. Someone came to stand next to me and said, “If you’re not careful that will become entirely sentient. Better eat it immediately.”
I looked up into Ianto’s eyes and back down to my plate. “You want to share?” I leered. I expected to be rebuffed immediately, only to be surprised when I got a gentle smile in reply. “No thanks. I’m allergic.”
I spoke through a mouthful of purple blob, “That’s a shame. It’s really good.”
Ianto frowned at my, according to him probably non-existent, table manners. “I’m sure it is.” He opened his mouth as if he wanted to say more but suddenly Suzie appeared at his side as if out of nothing. “Ianto, I need your help with something.” She started pulling on his arm, ignoring me completely. Ianto shot me an apologetic glance and allowed Suzie to manhandle him away.
I wondered why he let Suzie handle him like that. It didn’t look like a healthy work relationship to me. But what did I know of those office types? I much preferred going out in the field, laughing in the face of danger. Even freelancers had to do their paperwork, but I’d charmed Alex into excusing me from doing it most of the time - Alex said he allowed it because I managed to screw it up most of the time anyway. I resent that statement - I just didn’t think paperwork that important. Unless I had a solo mission, I stayed as far away as possible from anything even remotely official looking.
04:45 pm
The cab pulled over at John’s flat. I refused to let a bit of rain get to me and stepped out with my bag to ring the bell. No matter how fond I am of my greatcoat, at that moment I cursed it for its lack of a hood. I also cursed John for not opening his door sooner. There are all kinds of chemicals in the rain you just do not want to think about, and all of those were soaking into my skin. After I got completely drenched he finally deigned to open the door. Needless to say, I was not in the best mood.
Pushing my way in past John, I dropped my bag into the hallway, indifferent about the wet spot it would undoubtedly leave behind on the wooden floor. John diverted me from my course to the bathroom and steered me towards the living room. “I’d really prefer to dry myself off before I do anything else, John.”
“Fine, I’ll bring you a towel.” He rolled his eyes as if my request was outlandish.
I wandered around the flat, taking in the stray pieces of alien tech just lying around. Most members of Torchwood borrowed some tech and then ‘forgot’ to return it. Since everything I could see was harmless, it didn’t really bother me. There were even the physic bracelets I remembered from several very passionate nights. Couldn’t complain about that.
Just as John returned and threw me a towel, I heard a clank coming from the room he just emerged from. I looked at him suspiciously and he just grinned back at me. “You got anyone else here?” I asked.
“Want to join in?” he wiggled his eyebrows.
I kept my voice level, “I’ll pass this time.”
The towel had only briefly touched my hair when I threw it back. John seemed genuinely surprised when I turned around and went back to the door and grabbed my bag. I marvelled at the enormous wet spot it left behind; no doubt it would create a permanent mark with all those acids in the rain.
“Where are you going? Just stay and join us,” John called out behind me. This was as close as he was ever going to get to beg me to stay. I didn’t react and just pulled the door shut behind me.
I wandered around town a few hours. When the rain finally let up, I went up the highest rooftop I could access. Not to brood, as some have mockingly called it, but to clear my head.
15/03/2007
Weight: 13 st 8
Shots: 0
07:11 am
“I think I always knew it wouldn’t work out between us. We’re too alike in some areas. The sex was good, but that doesn’t built solid relationships. Who would have thought I’d ever complain about relationships? Or rather, the lack of.
“I can count everyone who’s ever tried to get to the man behind the grin on one hand. And I can’t complain, I guess, because I do it consciously; the flirting, smooth talking to everyone. Boasting about my conquests.
“What I need, is a man, woman, or alien - I’m not picky - who wants to know me. Not Captain Jack Harkness, but just Jack,” I sighed.
All I got in reply was a loud groan.
“Thanks Janet. I wish more people were understanding like you.” I tipped my bottle of water towards her in a toast and took a sip. I threw some extra meat in Janet’s cage before I left the vaults.
Feeding the residents in the vaults is a rotation job, and this week I had the honour. I didn’t mind doing it this time, because Janet was the perfect victim to have a heart-to-heart with. It was rather one-sided, but still.
Alex had warned me about not getting attached to her, saying we’d release her back to the sewers once we got the necessary data about Weevils. Since Owen was the one collecting data, I knew for a fact testing had been over for a good couple of weeks all ready. She had charmed her way into Torchwood Three’s hearts, earning herself a life-time of easy meals and a dungy cell. I’m not sure who got the better half of the deal.
Part II